Dwight [bouncing on an exercise ball] You should get one of these. Jim No. Thank you. Dwight Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts. Jim Done. Dwight This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [knocks things around Jim's desk] Sorry. Jim S'ok. Dwight Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex. Jim You're not having sex. Dwight Plus, improves your reflexes [knocks over more stuff] see, I would have caught that. Jim Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that? Dwight It's only twenty-five bucks. Jim Wow. Um, ok. [pops Dwight's orb with scissors] Michael Pam, could I see you in my office? Pam It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect. Michael Pam, you're trustworthy- Pam Thank you. Michael And a woman- Pam Oh, no. Michael And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon." First impressions? Pam Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon. Michael My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual. Michael [playing Jan's message] "I guess I missed you." I guess I missed you. So, she misses me? Pam She missed you. Michael But then she goes on to say "that will be our only topic of discussion". That doesn't mean anything, those are just words. Pam I have one idea of what it means. Michael Ok. Yeah, what, what? Pam Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this. Michael Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review- Pam Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you. Michael Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that? Pam Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward. Michael Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you". Dwight Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review. Jim Ok. Dwight Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders. Jim We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders. Dwight Oh, yes, we do. Jim No, we don't. Dwight Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise. Jim Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease. Dwight Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you? Jim I win. Dwight Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid. Jim Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right? Dwight Uh, duh. Jim Duh. Jim Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon. Stanley Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words. Michael Really? Stanley Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses. Michael God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry. Stanley Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact. Michael No kidding. Stanley It's all about my bonus. Pam Michael and Jan definitely made out. Jim Ohh... Pam Maybe more. Jim Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'. Pam Oh, yea! Michael Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn. Angela I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny. Pam Michael? Michael Yeah? Pam Jan's on the phone for you. Michael Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year. Michael Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah? Jan Michael. Michael Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure? Jan I am returning your many calls. Michael Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's. Jan No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch. Michael Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's. Jan Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael. Michael Oh. Jan I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior. Michael Been thinking about you. Jan Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior. Michael Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just- Jan Michael. Michael Yep. Jan Are the cameras with you... Michael No. Jan ...in your office? Michael They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend. Kevin I heard they made out and had sex. Oscar No, they just made out. That's it. Kevin Well, I heard they made out and had sex. Angela Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved. Kevin Romances? Michael Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A "Michael-idea" folder? Pam Sorry. Michael That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there. Pam What suggestion box? Michael The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes? Pam Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started. Michael Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p. Ryan Don't you mean constructive criticism? Michael What did I say? Kelly You said "constructive complements"; that doesn't make any sense. Michael Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K? Jim [on phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a... Dwight Saturday. Jim [pumps fist] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon. Jan [on phone] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. [to Pam] Could you please tell Michael that I'm here? Pam Sure. Michael Hi, Jan. How are you? Jan I'm good; how are you? Michael Good to see you. Jan Nice to see you. Michael Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here. Jan Can we please go in your office? Michael Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls. Kevin Oooo. Michael Alright [takes Jan's coat]. Jan Thank you. Michael It's nice to see you. Jan Nice to see you too, Michael. Michael Really? Jan Not like that. Michael Oh, well. Jan You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business. Michael Alright. Jan Period. Michael Yep. Jan Do we understand each other. Michael Absolutely. Michael I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because "Oh, I regret that." But, "Wait, I'm still gonna call you." But, but, "We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business. Jan So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then? Michael No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. [cold Jan stare] We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question? Jan No. Michael This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise. Jan Fine. Michael Are you wearing a new perfume today? Jan How is that a business question? Michael Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy. Jan Please don't smell me, Michael. Pam Hey, Jim. Jim Hey, how's it goin'? Pam Oh my God, did you see "The Apprentice" last night? Jim Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it? Pam Can you believe who Trump fired? Jim No, that was unbelievable. Dwight Who? Who was it? Who did he fire? Pam You didn't see it? Dwight No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking? Michael I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on. Sorry. [answers] Yes, Pam. Pam Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting. Michael I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt. Pam You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here. Michael I did not, not, not use those words. Jan Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now? Michael No, it's in like ten minutes. Pam Everyone's waiting in the conference room. Jan Great. Very good. Michael Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: Jan I can't, I can't- Michael I don't understand why you're so upset. Jan Please sit down. Michael Let me ask you- Jan You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there. Michael Ok, let me ask you this. Jan Please, sit yourself down. Michael Let me ask you something. Jan What, Michael. Michael Where did you get your outfit? Dwight [loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! [plays air guitar] Yes! [kicks] Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome! Michael I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened. Jan Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same Michael Look- Dwight Michael? Michael Oh my God... Dwight I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out? Jan No, Dwight; come in. Dwight Great. Michael What do you want Dwight? Dwight I am ready for my performance review. Michael Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye. Jan Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael? Michael You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave. Dwight Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise? Michael Why on earth would we give you a raise? Dwight That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: Jan Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light? Dwight And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of". Michael That's from Superman? Dwight Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise. Pam Do you think Michael and Jan actually... Jim I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam. Pam How do you come back from that? Jim Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together. Pam No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that? Jim Oh- Pam As a human being. Jim Yeah, no, I don't think you can. Jan I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow. Michael Wait. Jan 'K? Michael Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why? Jan Michael, now is not the time or the place. Michael Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place? Jan No, I am saying we are never having this conversation. Michael Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance? Jan Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.' Michael I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio? Jan Michael, it has nothing- Michael Am I too short? Jan With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate. Michael Really? Jan Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok? Michael I appreciate that, thank you. Jan And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that- Michael No, I wasn't, I didn't cry- Jan At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok? Michael So my looks have nothing to do with it? Jan Ohhh, God. Michael Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now. Michael Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight? Jim Ummm... no idea. Michael Never missed a day, my ass. Pam [Jim bows to Pam; she bows back] Thank you. Dwight [running through parking lot] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok! Michael Oscar, I'm ready for you. Oscar Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me. Michael So... Oscar Michael, I don't know what to say. Michael Um, you're in accounting... Oscar Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit. Michael So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more. Oscar Yes. Dwight You know what this is? Jim Yes. Dwight No, you don't. Jim Then why the question? Dwight This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. "Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight." Jim I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim. Dwight That's a total waste of your "M." Jim Really? Dwight Yeah. Jim You have a better idea? Dwight Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good. Jim I'll use that. Jan I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business. Michael All right. Jan Period. Michael Yup. Jan Do we understand each other? Michael Absolutely. Michael "I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period." Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask? Jim So, that's... It's great. Michael Yes, it is. Jim Yeah. You have fun? Michael Yes, I did. Jim Did you go to first base? Michael Hell, yeah. Jim Oh, yeah? Michael Yeah. Jim Did you go to second? Michael What? Jim Second. Michael Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but... Jim Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly? Michael Um, yup, wait, yes. Jim Pop-up? Michael No, there... Later there was. Jim Really? Michael Yes. Jim So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he? Michael I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing. Jim Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically. Michael Let's just push on, shall we? Dwight Pushing on. Michael It's next. Just keep it. "Look on the supply shelf." What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you? Ryan Yeah. It's another note. Michael Okay, yeah. Ryan "Look on the windshield." Michael Okay. Dwight Does it specify which windshield? Ryan I'll check them all. Dwight This ought to be good. Jim Which one? Dwight Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata. Pam He sees it. Dwight What does it say? Jim He can't hear you? Michael Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this? Dwight [clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this. Michael All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley? Stanley I'm back. Michael Christ Almighty. Ryan "Look under the sink in the men's room." Michael All right, next suggestion. Dwight Next suggestion. Michael "Don't..." Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just... Dwight "Don't sleep with your boss." Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan? Jan Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself. Michael Well... Jan The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that? Michael Crystal. Dwight There's one more suggestion. Michael How pleasant. You can... Dwight "Way to go man, Jan's really hot." Michael Okay, I think we're good. Pam Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday... Jim I know. Pam I almost lost it. That was too good. Jim Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk. Pam You mean yesterday's paper. Jim What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do. Pam Thank you. Dwight Hey, temp. Ryan Hey. Dwight Look, we're twins. Ryan Cool. Dwight Bet you I got mine for less than yours. Ryan I bet you did. Dwight Getting a little something that calm the nerves? Ryan What nerves? Dwight For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp. Ryan Actually, I had mine already. Dwight You're lying. Ryan Why would I lie about a performance review? Dwight Why would Michael give you one before me? Ryan I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping] Dwight How did it go? Ryan Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell. Dwight [Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans] Michael Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband. Michael Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get? Michael Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did. Michael Never... Jan Never for me always means never, ever, ever. Michael Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding. Jan What? Michael Nothing, I just... Jan What did you say, Michael? Michael Nothing. Jan Did you call my ex? Michael No, I did not. Jan Gould, you said, Gould. Michael Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know. Jan How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you. Michael I... Jan Okay, how dare you do that? Michael I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me. Jan Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you? Michael Ex-husband, you have to let it go. Jan I mean... Ryan "Look under the suggestion box." "I can't believe I kept this up all day." Signed, me. Michael What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot.