Ryan [entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie. Jim No. They're in the conference room. Ryan Good. Pam Wait, are those Michael's Levis? Ryan Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans? Pam Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays. Pam [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk] Jan This is a projection of the county's needs... Michael Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today. Jan Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals... Jim So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years. Jan So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um- Michael I changed it. To Chili's. Jan Excuse me? Michael Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So. Jan You had no right to do that, Michael. Michael Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine. Jan It said that. Michael It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor. Jan Alright. But you will let me run this meeting. Michael Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip. Jan What? Oscar She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out. Jim No... Oscar Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner. Toby That is unbelievable. Pam What is going on? Jim We are doing worst first dates. Pam Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me. Oscar Ok, that's a joke. Pam No, they had to come back for me. Jim Wait, when was this? Pam Umm... it was not that long ago. Kelly Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs] Jim I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting. Michael Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck. Dwight Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. Jan Thank you. Michael [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now. Jan Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour. Michael Well... Jan Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour? Michael No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios! Jan So which way is Chili's? Michael Uh, I'll drive. Jan Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there. Michael It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you? Jan I know Scranton. Michael At all! Jan Alright. Michael You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de- Jan If it's a couple blocks away- Michael Dar de dar. Jan Ok. Michael Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead. Michael We should come up with a signal of some sort. Jan Why would we need a signal? Michael Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal- Jan What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael? Michael Well, I... it could be either of us. Jan You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that. Michael Yeees. Michael Hello? Christian? Christian Yes. Michael Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan Just Jan Levinson. Michael No Gould? Jan No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long? Christian No, not long. Michael Uh, Jan, what happened? Jan Michael. Michael Is Gould dead? What uh- Jan Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Michael Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about? Jan Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please? Michael When did this happen? Jan We're in a meeting. Michael Ok. Hostess This way, please. Jan Christian. Michael Alright, after you. Christian Thank you. Michael [mouths "Wow" to the camera] Jan I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county. Christian Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction- Michael Awesome blossom. Jan What? Michael [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom? Christian Sure. Michael Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done. Jan So- Michael I heard a- Jan If you have a- Michael Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Jan Christian, you don't have to listen to this. Christian It's ok, I like jokes. Michael Ok. Jan Just the one. Michael Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo. Pam Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me. Pam [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em? Michael Yes. Pam Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him- Michael No. Pam When- Michael Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one. Pam Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship- Michael Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning? Pam Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse. Jim Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk] Pam It is a screenplay. Starring himself. Jim Agent Michael Scarn. Pam Of the FBI. Jim How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings. Pam What is that? Jim Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like. Michael First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe". Christian Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! Jan [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? Jim Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott? Everyone Yeah, yeah. Jim Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones. Phyllis That's the character's name? Jim Oh yeah- Dwight Ok, you guys should not be doing this. Jim Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. Dwight You took something that doesn't belong to you. Jim Dwight- Dwight Brought it in here- Jim Do you want to play- Dwight Made copies of it- Jim The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? Michael [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it! Jan We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match. Christian Well, we are out to save money. Jan What's the bottom line? Michael Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop. Michael That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault. Michael Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm? Jan I don't think Christian has time for that. Christian I have time. Michael [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs] Michael and Christian [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back- Michael [singing] Chili's baby back ribs... Jim [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters. Phyllis Sir, you have some messages. Dwight Not now! Phyllis They're important. Dwight Ok, what are they? Phyllis First message is: Dwight Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good. Dwight If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. Ryan Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. Dwight Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy] Pam Hey, uh, I have to work late. Roy [looks around conference room] You're joking right? Jim Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the- Dwight Pow! Pow! Pow! Ryan Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word. Kevin Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh. Jim A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface? Oscar Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet? Dwight Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. Ryan I forget it, brutha. Dwight Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt? Pam Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops. Dwight D-W-I-G-H-T. Dwight Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. Jim Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so- Dwight Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now. Jim That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry? Pam Yeah. Jim Yeah? Christian So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her. Michael Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh. Jan Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really. Michael Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing. Christian It's not fair. Michael She's not playing the game. Jan We'd been fighting for a while- Michael Check please. Jan He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine. Christian You didn't. Jan I was stupid. Michael and Christian No. Michael No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right? Christian That's right. Michael You know? Christian You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. Michael It's true. Christian You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!" Jim I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer. Jim [Pam lights a candle] Wow. Pam For the bugs. Jim Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich. Pam Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner. Christian Right down the street? Michael Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices. Christian I know. Michael It's bad. Christian It's terrible. Michael It, you know what, it really is. Jan Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh] Christian I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts. Michael Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan? Jim So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours. Pam What are you going to do with your time off? Jim Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself. Pam [points to Jim's iPod] You have new music? Jim Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely. Michael [waving to Christian] See ya. Jan Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes! Michael We did it! Jan We got it! Michael Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here. Jan I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go. Michael What!? Jan Let's go. Michael Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok. Dwight [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan? Michael Morning, Pam. Hey. Michael No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So. Michael Hello, Dwight. Dwight Did you do her? Michael Who. Dwight Jan Levinson-Gould. Michael Uh, no, no, no Gould. Dwight Did you do her? Michael This is none of your affair because she is your boss- Dwight And she is your boss. Michael And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all? Jim Jan didn't come back for her car last night. Pam What!? Jim Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta? Pam Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell. Jim No way. Pam Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: Jim Some might even say that we had our first date last night. Pam Oh, really? Jim Really. Pam Why might some say that? Jim Cause there was dinner, by candlelight. Pam Uh hmm. Jim Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date. Pam We didn't dance. Jim You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic. Pam Swaying isn't dancing. Jim Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game. Pam I have some faxes to get out. Jim Oh, come on, Pam. I- Jim Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right? Michael Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly? Pam Hmm... Michael Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea. Kevin Most of that is good. Michael [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs? Jan I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation. Michael Uh huh. Jan And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m. Michael Conflict! Jan What? Michael I have a conflict with that. Jan What do you mean? Michael Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies. Jan Michael. I need you to take this seriously. Michael I can't get out of it! Jan Michael- Michael Ok, alright. Jan Are you hearing me? Michael I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed. Jan This is a very important- Michael Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once. Jan [sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes. Michael 42897. Ok. Michael What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. "Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads." "No way, they're just for closers." "Do you know who you're talking to?" "I'm Michael Scott." "Really? Well, take any lead you want." "No thanks, I don't need 'em." Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that. Jim Hey. Pam Hi. Jim What are you doing? Pam I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk. Jim Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go. Pam Yeah, do you mind leaving? Jim No, not at all. Pam It's very important. Jim Uh hmm. Pam Thank you. Jim Sure. Phyllis Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me? Stanley I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account. Jim [reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop. Dwight A kick and a chop are two totally different things. Jim Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt. Dwight It doesn't make any sense. Oscar Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense. Ryan Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes! Jim Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head. Pam Oh! So close to retirement. Jim Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. Ryan Is that it? Jim Yup, I guess so. Phyllis Does he die? Pam I sincerely doubt it. Angela I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie. Jim What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough.