Dwight Where is my desk? Jim That is weird. Dwight This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. Jim Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk. Dwight I didn't lose my desk. Jim Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? Dwight Okay, who moved my desk? Jim I think you should retrace your steps. Dwight Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished! Jim Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot. Dwight [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Jim [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model. Dwight Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times. Jim I know. Dwight It's by the ream? Jim Uh, yeah, ream. Dwight ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%. Jim Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work. Dwight Wash your hands, Kevin. Jim [On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second... Dwight [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai... Jim Umm... Dwight Dwight... Jim You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks. Dwight Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai. Jim Was that your mom? Dwight No, that was my Sensei. Jim Oh, I thought it was your mom. Dwight I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei. Jim Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool. Dwight Assistant Sensei. Jim Ok. Dwight I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei. Stanley I don't want to stay until seven again this year. Pam I don't really have any control over that Stanley. Pam Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm. Michael [singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day. Ryan Did you ask me here for any specific reason? Michael Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information. Ryan Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office] Michael [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin. Pam Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign. Michael Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. Pam It's just last year you... Michael Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam? Pam Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier. Michael Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is. Ryan Updating emergency contacts. Pam Well, is that really a priority? Michael Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you. Ryan Catch-22. Michael Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell? Jim Uh, Larissa Halpert. Ryan What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings] Jim 117 Mount Bergin St. Ryan Hello? Michael [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland. Ryan Do you mean Neverland? Michael This is Tito. Ryan What? Michael Calling from... [Ryan hangs up] Pam [Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks. Jim You making this up as you go along, aren't you? Pam I am just following the website. Jim Well, at least I don't have cavities. Pam Yes, you have very nice teeth. Jim Thanks. Ryan Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings] Kevin Stacy. Ryan [looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up] Michael [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up. Ryan Hello? Michael [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson. Jim Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist? Dwight Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me. Jim No I'm not. Dwight Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you. Jim Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: Michael And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man. Pam Could you practice on the forms? Dwight No women or children, unless provoked. Jim Ok, Roy? Dwight Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Jim Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael? Michael Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen. Dwight Because we're friends. Michael Because I would kick his ass. Jim Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so... Michael So? I've beaten up black belts. Jim Uh, how did you know they were black belts? Michael They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out. Ryan Is your wife still your contact? Toby Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now. Ryan 'Kay. Toby You don't need to write 'ex'. Michael And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again. Jim Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right? Michael You were a Jet? Angela Have you signed the expense reports yet? Michael Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link. Dwight Argggg! Michael I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up. Michael Just hit me. You'll see. Jim I can't. I just got a manicure. Michael Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it. Jim Just have Dwight punch you. Michael Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass. Jim You know a ton of fourteen year old girls? Dwight What belt are they? Michael Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'... Dwight No! Michael ... he cried at the end of it. He did. Dwight Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight. Michael Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid? Dwight Ok, I'll punch you. Michael Ok, here we go. Alright, come on. Dwight Kiyah! Michael Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh! Dwight Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not. Jim Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright? Michael Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you. Dwight I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. Jim Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael. Pam I don't know. Jim Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips. Pam French Onion? Jim Obviously. Pam Ok. Jim Yes. Dwight [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it. Michael [Pam knocks on his door] Go away. Pam I just have a quick question. Michael I haven't signed them, ok? Pam No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car? Michael Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. Pam He's a purple belt. That's really high. Michael Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him. Pam It's just out there, you... Michael Oh, so that's what they are saying? Pam Yeah. Michael Ok, alright, where is Dwight? Jim Uh, Kitchen. Michael Ok. Kelly Hi-yah! Dwight Good. Kelly Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight. Dwight Now watch, let me take you from behind. Kelly What? Michael Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you. Dwight I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. Michael No, Really? Dwight In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai. Michael Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22. Dwight Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go! Michael Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: Jim Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight... Michael I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll. Ira Uh, no, it's not. Michael I think it is. A guy told me about that. Ira Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. Michael Oh. Jim [Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting. Pam What? Jim Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything. Pam Well, look closer. Jim [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok. Pam Once point for me. Jim [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up. Pam Oh, you're dead. Jim What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now. Pam Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey... Ira Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright? Dwight Yes, Sensei! Michael Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner. Ira Shi mate! Dwight Hiii! [kicks Michael] Michael Hey! Ira Alright, break. Michael What the hell was that? Dwight Yes! Ira Dwight - awarded a point. Michael No. Dwight Eat it! Michael Alright, that's the way you want it. Dwight Two more. Michael Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man. Kevin Sweep the leg. Michael I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him. Dwight No. Michael I got his pants. Dwight It was my pants. Ira No points for pants. Michael Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight] Ira Clean single kick, gentlemen. Michael Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya. Ira Ok, break. Break. Dwight No holding. Michael You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie] Dwight No, stop it! Come on! Michael. Michael Open your mouth. Dwight No, Michael! Michael You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag. Ryan's Voicemail Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] "Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein." Next new message. "Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!" Michael My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for? Ryan Fudge? Michael [knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya? Dwight I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott. Ryan Ok, to what? Dwight Just put "The Hospital." Contact number: Kevin Later Jim. Jim Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend. Pam Yeah, you too. Michael [Knock at the door] Yeah. Ryan I have the emergency contacts. Michael Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend? Ryan Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably. Michael If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout. Ryan Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday. Michael Alright, bye. Michael Dwight? Angela Michael, did you finish yet? Michael This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute? Dwight I'm busy. Michael Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time. Stanley Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday. Toby We want to go home. Michael Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby. Pam The shipping place closes in a half hour. Michael I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight. Angela This is illegal. Stanley I don't care. Michael I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? Dwight Of course. Michael And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight Michael, I don't know... Michael I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it. Dwight I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office. Michael No, no, title change only. Dwight I'll have Pam send out a memo. Michael No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now. Dwight Just a formality. Michael Absolutely but not really. Dwight Michael, I have so much to learn from you. Michael Yes you do. Dwight Thank you, Sensei. Michael And, ditto. Michael I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo. Master [Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay. Dwight [Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second. Master Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you. Dwight Okay, I just... Master Dwight... Dwight It's a sales call. Master Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups! Dwight I can... Yes, sensei. Dwight Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people. Jim What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar? Dwight No problem. Jim I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy. Dwight Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight. Jim True. Meredith. Dwight No women or children. Unless provoked. Jim Okay. Roy. Dwight Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Jim Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael? Michael Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about. Stanley Excuse me? Michael I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die. Dwight You just said it. You just said it. Michael No, that's not how I meant it. Dwight Die. You just... You said it. Michael Shut up, Dwight. Angela Do you think he's signed them yet? Oscar Signed what? Angela Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl? Oscar Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl. Kevin Don't look at me. [smiles at camera] Angela I don't know why I write my name on things. Kelly Are you going to happy hour later? Meredith I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe. Master Sir, your shoes. Michael Yes. Master You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect. Michael Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming] Master Here's your gear. Please put this on. Michael Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black? Master Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up. Alyssa Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight. Master [to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals. Dwight Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does. Michael God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting] Michael Stan the man. Stanley Hi, Michael. Michael Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually. Stanley No. Are those purchase orders signed? Michael I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him. Stanley Huh? What? Michael I went medieval on his heinie. Stanley Are those purchase orders signed? Michael Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He... Stanley Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders... Michael Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay. Dwight For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive. Michael [door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one. Pam This is what you had Ryan do. Michael Yes, under my tutelage. Pam Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today? Michael If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.