Michael Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great! Pam Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called. Michael Ohh... OK. Michael I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay. Sherri [on phone] Jan Levinson's office. Michael Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning. Sherri Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go. Michael Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day. Sherri I just need the name of who you're planning to let go. Michael I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back. Sherri I know she wanted the name. Michael Okay... Sherri? Sherri Yeah? Michael If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you? Sherri Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael. Michael Thanks. Sherri Mm-Hmm. Michael I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri. Sherri Hey, I'm still here. Michael Okay! I'm sorry. Sherri Yeah. Michael No? Sherri OK. Michael Bye. Sherri Hanging up now. Michael I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about. Pam [entering] You wanted me? Michael Yes. Pam [notices Michael's costume] Papier-mache? Michael Yes. Pam Hmm. Michael Yeeesh. Pam Mm-hmm. Michael Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Pam Why did you put it off until Halloween? Michael Because it's very scary stuff. Pam I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little. Michael You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here. Pam So it's a man? Michael No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be? Pam I just answer the phone. Michael And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail. Pam You're costume is fantastic! [laughs] Michael I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around] Pam Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay... Michael Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody. Dwight [eyeing Jim's costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be? Jim I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch. Phyllis That's great! Jim Oh, yeah. Dwight Yeah, well look... [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me? Phyllis What are you? A monk? Dwight I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars. Phyllis Ass. Michael Hey. Oscar Michael. Michael You guys excited about the party? Angela Yeah. Michael It's gonna be fun. Kevin Yeah. Angela Yes. Michael [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day. Oscar What are you implying? Michael All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such? Angela You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night. Michael Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good? Angela Yeah. Michael Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. Angela But we don't keep two sets of books. Michael Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it. Michael Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats. Kelly Why is that? Michael "Bend It Like Beckham." Kelly Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer? Michael [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect. Kelly Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything. Michael Well, I don't really have two heads. So... Dwight Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing] Pam Okay, greatest strength. Jim Okay, okay... Pam A dog-like obedience to authority Jim Nice. Pam But that doesn't sound good. Jim Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types] Jim Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India. Pam He's a gun nut. Jim Um. He sticks to his guns. Angela Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department... Oscar Yes? Angela ... that has three people... Oscar Yeah? Angela ... doing the work that could be done by two. Oscar This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh. Kevin Yeah. Oh. Michael Who do you think it should be? Dwight Jim. Definitely. Michael No, Jim brings in money. Dwight Phyllis. Michael Eh. Dwight Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela. Michael It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. Dwight One of the warehouse guys. Michael [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who? Dwight Who is he saying? Michael You're right, I didn't even think of him. Dwight No, Michael. Michael Yeah, that's actually a really good idea. Dwight No, not me. Michael Yeah... I could. Dwight Not Dwight. Michael I'm not saying that's what he said. Dwight I know that's what he said. Michael [listening to his head] What? Dwight Tell him, not Dwight. Michael That is not a very nice thing to say about him. Dwight Tell him to stop. Michael Are you kidding? Dwight Quiet, you. Michael I agree. He'd land on his feet. Dwight Make him be quiet. Angela Those aren't chips and dip. Pam No, I made brownies. Angela Uh! Pam ... What? Angela I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things. Pam I made brownies. Angela And I made cookies. Same category. Pam I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts. Pam [on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott. Jim Um... Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay. Dwight Stanley, could you come with me, please. Stanley No. Dwight As Assistant Regional Manager... Stanley To the. Dwight Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry. Stanley [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone. Michael So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it? Dwight He wouldn't listen to me Michael Ahh, come on. Dwight If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself. Michael I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away] Dwight [whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number? Dwight Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most. Oscar Oh... hey. Ryan Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just... Oscar Oh. [fixes his dress] Dwight [on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.] Pam Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real. Pam Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job. Jim Um... it's in Maryland. Pam Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge. Jim Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [starts walking away] Pam Jim... Dwight This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael's office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment? Michael Oh, God. Dwight I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills. Michael Fantastic! Dwight And I turned it down. Michael What?! That would've solved all my problems. Dwight Out of loyalty to this company... Michael Oh, you idiot. Dwight ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially. Michael If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody. Dwight But then you wouldn't have me here. Michael Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back? Dwight It's in Maryland. Michael You can call. Can you call 'em? Dwight I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway. Michael Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God. Jim Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma. Michael [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute? Jim Um... yes. Jim Michael, I really didn't mean to... Michael Help. Me. Jim I'm sorry? Michael I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it. Jim Oh, you want me to be you? Michael Yes. Jim Okay. Michael I want you to be me, and I will be Creed. Jim Oh, are you firing Creed? Michael No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head. Jim We should switch seats in order to... Michael Yes, that's a good idea. Jim Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal... Michael Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself! Jim Wow. Michael I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault! Jim That's an overreaction. Michael Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month. Jim Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you... Michael I... this is Creed. Jim Okay. Michael I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings] Jim Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought. Michael And I'm very angry, and I want... Jim [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here. Michael I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me. Jim Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth... Michael Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah. Pam What happened? Jim It wasn't me. Pam Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was... Jim Yeah, I know. Michael Uh, hey... Creed? Creed Huh? Michael Could I talk to you for a second? Michael You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop. Creed What are you telling me? Michael I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better. Creed No, I don't. I wanna stay right here. Michael No, you wanna leave. Creed No, I wanna stay here. Michael Why... why are you making this so hard? Creed Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael. Michael I think you're right. Creed Can I go? Michael No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye. Creed Let's fight it. Michael Hmm? Creed Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days. Michael What old days? What are you talking about? Creed Did you start the paperwork yet? Michael It's right here on the desk, yeah. Creed You don't have to do this, Michael. Michael I can't, I can't... Creed Undo it! Michael I can't change anything. This is the way... Creed No, you have the power to undo it. Michael I don't... okay, just listen. Creed Michael, undo it! Michael Don't... Michael Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask? Michael I have to fire someone today, okay? Creed Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon. Michael Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you. Creed No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man. Michael Don't... Creed Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good. Michael Devon, could I talk to you for a sec? Devon Creed's an idiot, you know that. Michael Well, he... Devon No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time. Michael Well, maybe I did. Devon Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man. Michael Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot. Devon That's why I'm being fired? Michael No. Devon So you might not look like an idiot? Michael No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and... Devon This is unbelievable! Michael I just hope that you and I can remain friends. Michael Devon, wait, please. Devon What! Michael Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings. Devon [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell! Angela [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party? Pam Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out. Jim [motions for her to follow him] Come on. Jim That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food. Michael I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year. Children [ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo] Trick or treat! Michael He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great. Kid I'm a bumble bee. Michael You look great! And you're a princess? Kid A fairy princess. Michael A fairy princess. You're very... . Kid I'm a lion. Michael You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these. Michael Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis? Phyllis Mmm-hmm. Michael Of course. You're always working hard. Phyllis Thanks. Michael Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do. Stanley Something wrong, Michael? Michael No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people. Toby Hey, Jim. Jim What's up, Hef? Toby Michael? Michael What? What? Toby Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement. Michael Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief. Toby I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York. Michael You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign? Toby They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative. Michael Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have. Toby I know, Michael. Michael I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please? Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office. Michael You know what? That's my foot. Vance Refrigeration Worker #2 Ass, ass, ass... Michael You guys... Vance Refrigeration Worker #2 ...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass... Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 Hi, Mom! Michael I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct? Hank Who is it? Michael I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building? Hank Building. Michael Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready. Hank You're on your own. Michael All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator. Michael I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah? Stanley Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision. Michael Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him] Toby Michael, it's almost 5:00. Michael Leave me alone, okay? Michael Do you want some coffee? Creed No, no. I had some, thanks. Michael [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed? Creed Fifteen years, I think. Michael Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement. Creed Oh, no. I need the money. Michael Why? Creed What do you mean, "Why?" Michael It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment. Creed I don't know. I got nephews. Michael Yeah. Creed Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this? Michael Just trying to be your friend. Creed Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all. Michael Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do. Creed Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about? Michael Are you pulling my leg or... Creed No. Michael You have no clue why I've asked you in here? Creed I do not. Michael Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal. Michael Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask? Jan [on the phone] This is Jan. Michael His name was Devon. Jan Excuse me? Michael The human being man's name was Devon. Jan Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you... Michael [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes. Jan The person that you fired, Michael? Michael Yes, it is. Jan Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset. Michael Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined. Jan Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was. Michael Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me. Jan Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael. Michael [talking over Jan] You're glad? Jan And so, good job. Good job. Michael Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good? Jan Yeah. Good job. Michael [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back. Jan [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes. Michael There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great. Dwight You're supposed to be a cat? Angela Yes. Creed You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions. Michael [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Dwight Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow. Michael You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved. Dwight I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do.