Michael Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So... Jim So, you ready for the... the Dundies? Pam Ugh... Pam You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. Michael [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert. Jim What? Michael [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert. Michael So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera? Jim Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky. Michael Oh, that's a good idea. Dwight Mine are at home in a display case above my bed. Michael Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. Michael T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame. Michael And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling. Stanley I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out. Michael Oh, no you di-int. Stanley I think I did. Michael W-why did you... Stanley Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember? Michael Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them. Michael [in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah! Pam Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights. Oscar [in video] That's supposed to be confidential. Michael [in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight! None [Dwight starts playing the tune of "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega on his recorder] Michael [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing... None [Somebody sits in front of the camera on the video, so even though nothing can be seen, Michael can still be heard] Michael [in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere... Pam Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great. Michael [on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of... Kelly It was you. Phyllis Live and learn. Pam [quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear. Kelly Yeah, it was. Dwight So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either. Pam We're not laughing at you, Dwight. Dwight So who are we laughing at? Pam Um, just something somebody wrote. Dwight Who? Dave Barry? Kelly [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall. Dwight What is it? Who wrote it? Pam Um, it's kind of private. Phyllis [whispering] It's about Michael. Dwight That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less. Pam Okay, now I'm laughing at you. Michael [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton? Jan [on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael. Michael Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home. Jan No. Michael Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So... Jan No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this. Michael Um... None [Michael looks at the camera and motions for the camera to leave the office] Michael [to camera] Could you...? Jan Are you there Michael? Michael Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that. None [Michael closes the blinds] None [The camera tries to find a crack in the blinds] Michael Um, what, ah, what is, I mean... None [The camera pans around to reception, Pam is listening] Michael ...come on, Jan! None [The camera goes to a side of Michael's office where the blinds are still partially open] Michael You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here. Jan Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you? Michael Well, yeah, I mean, what is... Jan You already had a party on May 5th for no reason. Michael No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party... Jan And you had a luau.... Michael ...it happens once every billion years. Jan And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money. Michael Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N. Jan Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense. Michael Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage. Michael This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk. None [Phyllis catches Dwight trying to sneak into the girls bathroom] Phyllis Dwight, get out of here!! None [The door swings open and Dwight is being pushed out by Phyllis] Dwight No, no, no, no... Phyllis What were you doing in the ladies room?! Dwight ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think. Phyllis Why were you peering over the stalls?! Dwight No, why were you in there?! Phyllis You are a pervert! Dwight What were you doing in there? Phyllis You, are, a pervert! Dwight I am not. Michael [in video] The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley. Michael Pam, everybody! [starts clapping] None [Pam just sits there stirring her drink, rolls her eyes and glances over at Jim] None [Jim, at the adjacent table, crosses his arms and glances over at Pam, both look annoyed] Michael Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting. Roy [on video] Yes. Michael [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf? Roy [on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year. Michael [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God! Michael I'm not changing that, it's the best one. Jim No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know? Michael That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier. Jim Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy. Michael Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh. Dwight Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom. Pam You're taking away our bathroom? Dwight We are going to have two men's rooms. Phyllis But where would we...go? Dwight Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to... Pam Michael... Michael Yes. Pam ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom. Michael Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now. Dwight Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions... Michael Just don't, don't talk- Dwight ...for people's behavior. Michael Don't talk- Dwight And it's- Michael Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!! Michael Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us. Dwight [with a small fist pump] Yes! Michael Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever. Dwight [clapping] Best Dundies ever. Dwight Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards. None [Quick cut to everybody talking and ignoring Dwight] Dwight Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon! Michael "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." [to Ryan] Card! Oscar The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like. Michael "You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-" None [The music stops, Michael looks back at Dwight] Dwight The waitress tripped on the cord. Michael Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink! Kevin [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab. Michael Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks. Stanley You said, we could bring our families. Michael I did. And why didn't ya Stanley? Stanley I did, my wife's name is Terri. Michael Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri. Stanley It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael. None [Michael is dumbfounded, Dwight pushes a button on his keyboard that says, "OHHH, YEAHHHH."] Michael [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight. Dwight Really? We don't have any girls from HR. Michael No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy. Dwight Yeah? Michael And I was about to take her bra off... Dwight Yeah! Michael ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork- Dwight Like an AIDS test? Michael No! [under his breath] God. Michael [clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted. Darryl Hey let's go to Poor Richard's. Roy Yeah, let's get out of here. Pam Um... Michael Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started. Pam Sorry. Ryan You staying? Jim Yeah, gotta eat somewhere. Michael And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts... Michael ...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin. None [Everybody starts clapping, Phyllis gets out of her booth and makes her way to Michael, she gives Jim a high five along the way] Michael Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual. Phyllis This says "Bushiest Beaver". Michael What? I told them busiest...idiots. Phyllis It's, it's fine. Michael Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that. None [Pam and Roy are at the truck, arguing.] Pam ...because that's what happens every time! Roy ...talking about? He's a jackass every year. Pam No. Roy [Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's. Pam [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to. Roy Pam. Go. Pam If you would have asked me that, then you would know. None [Michael has false teeth in and glasses with squinted eyes on them] Michael [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould. Jim Hey! How are ya? I thought you left? Pam Oh no, I just, I decided to stay. Jim Oh! Pam I'll just get a ride home from Angela. Jim Oh. Pam Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping. Jim Yeah. Michael [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny. None [The camera zooms to an Asian customer behind Michael, she is looking at Michael in disbelief] Michael Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout. Pam [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink? Michael This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office. None [Cut to Pam still drinking the beer] Michael Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp! Michael Yeah. [singing to music] "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go. Ryan What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now. Michael And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down. Angela No. Jim [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty. Pam No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs] Jim Second drink? Michael The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go. Kelly "Spicy Curry", what's that mean? Michael Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke. Kelly Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? Michael I don't know, it's just... Kelly This is a bowler- Michael I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So... Kelly Yeah, but everyone else- Michael Just sit down Kelly. Michael [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go. Michael [Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John] "You have won a tiny Dundie." Guy at bar Sing it Elton. Michael Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from? Other Guy at Bar We just came from yo' mama's house. Michael Oh, alright, yeah. Guy At Bar Sing 'em a song dude. Michael Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh... Michael [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really- None [The guy at the bar throws another object, looks like a wad of wet napkins, this time it hits Michael on the shoulder] Guy At Bar You suck man! Michael Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off] Michael [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So... Michael [give Kevin his award]There you go. Pam Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom. Jim [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev. None [More people start clapping] Pam Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet! Jim Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going. Pam More Dundies! Pam and Jim [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Everybody Dundies! Dundies! Michael [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year. Pam Fine work! Fine work Stanley! Michael You know you did. Pam Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in] Stanley Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't... None [Pam starts laughing her cute drunk laugh] Stanley So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling] Michael And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley... None [Cut to Pam, her face goes from drunken elation to sober realization] Michael ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year. None [Cut to Jim's reaction of scared expectation] Michael It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on! Michael Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go. Pam I have so many people to thank for this award. None [Quick cut to Jim laughing and staring at Pam with amused wonder] Pam Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too. None [Dwight stands up, but nobody claps] Pam Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. None [Quick cut to Jim, he's doesn't know whether to laugh or take her seriously, so he gives her an amused/appreciative grin] Pam And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! Michael Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you. Jim What a great year for the Dundies. Jim We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding] None [Jim looks at the camera, then back at Pam, who is still nodding] Jim What? Pam Nothing. Jim Okay. Pam What? Jim I don't know, what? None [Pam starts laughing, then suddenly falls off the bar stool] Jim Oh my God! You are so drunk! Jim Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on. Dwight Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy. Jim He's a volunteer. Dwight Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush- Jim Dwight come on, come- Dwight It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt. None [Dwight starts taking off his shirt, but gets stuck] Pam Dwight, get off me! None [A Chili's employee comes over, Jim helps Pam up, Dwight is stuck in his shirt] Employee I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat. Dwight [struggling] Ahh! I can't- Michael Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. Pam Oh my God! Jim Whoa. Pam I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!! Jim Whoa. Jim Whoa, careful, careful. None [We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again. Michael Great work tonight. Dwight Watch your step. Michael Excellent. Dwight Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion. Michael Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work. Pam I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. Jim No you don't. Jim Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there. Pam Hey, um, can I ask you a question? Jim Shoot. None [Pam stares at Jim for a little while, then glances at the camera, realizes she's on camera] Pam Um, I just wanted to say thanks. Jim Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk. None [Jim opens the door for her] Jim Alright. Pam Bye. Jim Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela. Michael TMI. Too much information. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that is so lame now. Or, "You go, girl." Or... Um, when did "Where's the beef?" That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, "Too much information" probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years. Toby Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that. Kelly I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid. Angela Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive. Dwight [scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly] Michael All right, we need something for Kevin. Jim Mmm-hmmm. Michael What do we know about him? He's an accountant. Jim He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler. Michael [talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award. Jim Well, you seem to have this under control. Jim The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized. Michael I am the fat accountant. Dwight Michael, I need to talk to you. Michael Here he is. Dwight I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall. Michael Really? What did they say? "For a good time, call Michael Scott"? Jim Good one. Dwight Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe. Michael Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why... Dwight Michael. Michael I mean, you just come in and you're just negative... Dwight Michael. Michael ...and you just walk negatively. Michael Do you want me to find out what it says? Michael Yes. Dwight By any means necessary? Michael What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about? Dwight It's the ladies' room. Michael Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy. Michael Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael. Jim What award would you like to give Dwight? Michael I hadn't planned on including him. Jim Okay. Michael Kevin. Dwight It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married. Dwight Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says. Angela I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom. Dwight I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael. Angela I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate. Dwight Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener? Kevin I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping. Michael Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies? Kelly No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time. Michael Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character. Oscar I think many people find that character slightly racist. Michael Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me. Oscar Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits. Michael [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care? Phyllis Dwight, get out of here! Dwight No, no, no. Phyllis You can't be in here! Dwight It's not what you think. Phyllis Shut up. You're a freak! Dwight I'm on official business. Phyllis You are... Dwight This is Dunder Mifflin... Phyllis I'm telling Michael. Dwight No. Phyllis, you're not... Phyllis I'm telling Michael. Dwight Phyllis, no. No. Phyllis Michael, Michael. Dwight Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind. Phyllis Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me. Michael What? Dwight That is not true. Phyllis He was looking at me in the ladies' room. Dwight That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy. Michael Dwight, you've hit a new low here. Phyllis That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room. Dwight What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, "Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down." I'm not even attracted to you. Michael That is a good point. Phyllis Write him up or I'll take it to Jan. Michael Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely. Phyllis When? Michael Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good. Phyllis All right. Dwight All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll. Michael Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing? Michael [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight Yeah, you know me. Michael [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight The Dundies! Michael [singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies Dwight You know me. Michael [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight Yeah, you know me. Michael [singing] Yeah, all the homies Michael I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head] Kevin So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get "longest engagement" this year. Roy Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up. Kevin I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance. Michael All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight. Toby I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award. Michael He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it? Toby Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on. Michael [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby. Toby It wasn't a vote. You decided. Michael Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it. Toby Okay, that is not true. Michael Yes, it is true. Toby 'Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you. Michael Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade... Dwight Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes. Waitress We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino... Dwight No, no. No margarita. Hot sake. Waitress [shakes head 'no'] Dwight Fosters in the big can. Waitress [shakes head 'no' again] Dwight Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles. Dwight Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still. Pam I am fine. Jim Dwight, this is crazy. Pam Okay. Dwight Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move. Jim Dwight, Dwight. Dwight I'm sorry. Pam [laughing] I am fine. Dwight Jim, don't interfere. Manager You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat. Pam Oh, my God. Dwight Can you give me a second, sir. Manager No! Pam Dwight, let me up. Manager Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now. Dwight I am a Sheriff's Deputy. Manager That's fine. Dwight I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested. Jim The other volunteers. Dwight Pam, are you all right? Pam I'm fine. Manager Sir, sir. Dwight How many fingers am I holding up? Pam You're holding up three fingers. Dwight All right. Are you okay? Manager Put your clothes on, right now. Dwight I will. I will. You need to calm down. Manager Right now. Michael Don't wanna forget that. Manager You and your party really need to leave right now. Michael Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's? Manager You know what? Don't worry about it. Michael Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year. Manager That's fine.