Michael [to Jim] Hey, you ready? Michael All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent. Dwight Michael! Michael Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun." And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together. Michael Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you. Dwight Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team. Michael No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior. Dwight Oh, please. Michael [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game... Dwight I apologized for that. Michael [to Dwight] I vouched for you. Dwight Michael, I... Michael I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar. Dwight I can handle that. Michael Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that. Dwight And that's why you have an assistant regional manager. Michael Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager. Dwight [to camera] Same thing. Michael No, it's not. It's lower, so... Dwight It's close. Dwight So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim. Jim God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this? Phyllis Keep me out of it. Pam My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding. Michael All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right. Ryan Fine, don't worry about that. Michael And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs. Lonny What's up? Michael And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs. Darryl It's not my real name. Michael No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs. Ryan Darryl Rogers? Darryl Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers. Michael [laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs. Ryan Yeah, yeah. Michael You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport! Pam [on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years. Jim Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago. Michael So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on. Darryl We're loading at one. Michael Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me. Darryl No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time. Michael Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken] Darryl All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock. Michael All right, see you at one. Michael Are we ready for the game? Everybody [half-heartedly] Yeah. Michael I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings. Dwight Gimli. Michael Nerd. That is why you're not on the team. Dwight Just trying to be helpful. Michael Uh, [in a nerdy voice] "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword." Jim That's him. Michael OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course. Stanley I'm sorry? Michael Um, what do you play? Center? Stanley Why "of course"? Michael Uh... Stanley What's that supposed to mean? Michael Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that. Jim Uh, I heard it. Michael Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time. Phyllis I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school. Michael [ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart. Ryan But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch? Michael Yes. Ryan OK. Michael Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else? Oscar I can help out, if you need me. Michael I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box. Kevin I have a hoop in my driveway. Michael No. Phyllis I have a sports bra. Michael No, no, ridiculous. Dwight Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can] Dwight Missed it... Michael Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight. Dwight Yes! Michael Sorry Phyllis. Dwight Can I be team captain? Michael No, I'm team captain. Dwight Can I be team manager? Michael No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager. Dwight Assistant team manager? Michael No. Dwight OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then. Michael Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now. Jim Oh my God. Michael Threat neutralized. Michael [hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard! Pam Please don't throw garbage at me. Michael Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once? Pam I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance. Jim I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and... Michael Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying. Pam Maybe Angela would cheerlead. Michael Oh, yeah right. Phyllis I'll do it. Michael Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good. Michael Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man? Darryl Just getting a tea bag. Michael Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face! Darryl Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's. Michael Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday. Darryl No, that's not as much fun. You know what? Michael What? Darryl You're on. Michael OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up. Michael [to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game. Angela Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you. Jim Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here. Jim You coming down? Pam Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones. Jim You gonna wish me luck? Pam Yeah, you're gonna need it. Jim Whoa. Jim Is that trash talk from Pam? Pam [laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive. Jim Oh. Pam And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so... Jim Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along. Pam Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake. Jim I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah. Michael Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it. Jim Have a good game man. Roy Yeah, you too. Should be fun. Michael All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch? Ryan I stretched before I came. Michael OK. Michael OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy. Jim Really? I thought I'd take Roy. Michael Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys. Dwight [taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins! Michael Aw, come on Dwight. Dwight What? Shirts on or off? Michael On. Just put it on. Dwight You sure? Michael Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK? Roy Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car. Michael Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him! Teammates Yeah! Roy That's what I'm talking about. Michael Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone! Dwight De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap] Michael and Dwight De-fense! De-fense! Warehouse Worker [Roy scores] Well done team. Michael Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket] Pam Woo! Michael [misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go. Michael [Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul. Roy OK. Michael OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK. Michael When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone. Michael [misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?! Michael Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually. Michael Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa! Jim My bad. Darryl [scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Lonny [dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there. Michael That is cool. Is that like the Robot? Michael [Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump] Ryan Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine. Darryl You have one more free throw shoot. Come on. Roy All right, let's go. Warehouse Worker Watch your back Madge. Madge Hey! Come on man! Michael Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight! Dwight [scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face! Madge Yeah, like that counts. Michael You know what? Dwight, Dwight... Michael Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah... Michael [singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter... Roy [steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball. Michael All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on! Michael What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls. Jim You know what? Let me take Roy. Michael All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on. Michael Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up. Darryl Block, block, block! Madge He's afraid of you now. Michael [Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt? Michael [Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes! Roy What the hell man? Jim Take it easy. Roy No, you take it easy. Michael [Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys! Ryan [Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight. Michael Dwight! Dwight [scores] Yes! Michael [Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score? Angela You're ahead. Michael Yeah, baby, here we go! Michael [Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it! Worker I'm sorry. Michael Foul! Foul! Worker I'm sorry. You all right? Michael Oh, that hurts. Worker Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Michael What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason? Darryl Take your shot man! Michael No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there. Worker No it wasn't. Michael [mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair. Worker Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up... Michael Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly. Angela This is a cold pack... Dwight Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes] Michael Thanks Dwight. Lonny Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on? Michael Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won. Darryl That was you. Michael It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face. Roy No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday. Darryl Yeah, this isn't happening. Michael Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so... Lonny So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right? Michael Hey, hey... Lonny Monday? Michael [laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word. Jim [to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good. Pam Mmm-hmm. Jim I didn't sign anything. Roy Hey baby. Pam Hey. Roy [to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend. Pam Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub. Roy Yeah? Let's get you into a tub. Michael Hey, what a game, huh? What a game. Oscar What time do we have to come in? Michael Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend. Michael The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead. Michael [slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you. Pam New pants? Michael Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing. Pam Abercrombie & Fitch? Michael Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target. Dwight Michael, could I talk to you for a second, please? Michael Uh... Dwight In your office? [in Michael's office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager. Michael Yes, yes. Assistant to the regional manager. Dwight [to camera] Same thing. Michael No, it's not. It's lower. Dwight It's close. Michael What was that? Dwight What? Michael That look? Dwight What look? Michael Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God. Michael So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night? Darryl Yeah. Michael [howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on fire! Darryl Iverson. Yeah, always man. It's very important. Michael Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me beat by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth] Roy What? Iverson's not fat. Michael No, neither am I. We both look good. Michael Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes shooting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes shooting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister. Kevin I can't work Saturday. Dwight Please, have a seat. [Kevin sits down] Okay, why not? Kevin I'm in a band. Dwight Marching or garage? Kevin It's a Steve Miller Tribute Band. Dwight I tell you what. You give me a tape of your band and a tape of the Steve Miller Band and I'll get back to you. That is all. Todd Packer [on the phone] Mello. Michael Packer. Pac-man. Packer Whoa. Hey. Michael Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots] Todd Packer [on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael's laughing] Michael I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist. Todd Packer [on the phone] Bergerstein! Michael Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs] Todd Packer [on the phone] Bergerstein! Michael It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry. Todd Packer [on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein! Michael [clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game. Todd Packer [sounds sick on the phone] I can't make it. Michael Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard. Todd Packer [on the phone] I... I'm not coming. Michael No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man. Todd Packer [on the phone] Oh, God! Stop whining. You know, you only come to the pick up game once a year. You little bitch. [Michael picks up phone, takes it off speakerphone] All right, yup. Hey, okay. No problem, you know, best you can do. Hey, you know. Hey, nice talking to you too. All right take care. [sighs] Michael Scoot. That's funny. He's a good friend. Dwight [eating Tootsie Rolls from Angela's candy on her desk] Mmm. Good. Mmm. Angela They're one per person. [points to sign "Please take one!!] Dwight Would you like to have a vacation this year? That's what I thought. [continues eating Tootsie Rolls] Mmm, delicious. Pam Well, I though we were saving money for the wedding, but apparently Roy thought it was more important to buy two WaveRunners. I don't really ever get to use the other WaveRunner that's supposed to be mine because his brother uses it and they race. Dwight Jim, you're the new schedule guy, huh? Jim I'm trying, yup. Dwight Yeah, I hear that. You know what? This little baby might come in handy. Jim Great, thanks. Dwight On one condition. You... Jim Forget it. It's just a dry erase board. Dwight Oh, no it's not. Okay, check it out. Jim Okay, that's insanely complicated and the first thing I'm going to do is erase it. Dwight No, you're not because I spent hours on it. Jim Well, then keep it. Dwight Okay, I will. Okay, fine. You'll be back. Michael [misses a free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures. Angela [Dwight holds the first aid kit up] I'm the safety officer, not you. Dwight Isn't that crazy? I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Lackawanna County says that it's okay for me to perform CPR, but for Michael my lips aren't qualified enough for his perfect little face. It's nuts. Angela Is that really necessary? Dwight [wearing a face guard] I've almost had my nose broken a dozen times. Warehouse Worker [back to the basketball game] Let's go Lonny. Jim [Michael steals the ball] Yeah, Michael. Go Michael. [makes shot] Dwight Yes! Michael Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is. Michael [back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan! Stanley Oh, my ankle! Michael Stanley, gotta play hurt. Stanley Oh, actually no I don't Michael. Michael I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay. Stanley [in pain] Oh. Go away. Michael I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone! None [Kevin makes seven straight shots from the free throw line] Everybody [Michael hits a half court shot] Ah! [clapping] Michael Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!