[on computer screen] Ah, what else? I've seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know? Andy andy Whoa! Everyone everyone Andy. Pam pam That Swayze sure can dance dirty. Andy andy Don't you have any sunblock? Phyllis phyllis No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull. Andy andy Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song -- No, woman. No cry. Erin erin [on computer] Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That's what I call the sun now. Andy andy Andy, it's Darryl. Take your drawers off your head. Darryl darryl What else can I show you? Oh, damn it! Andy andy Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water? Erin erin Yeah, it was. That's okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow! Andy andy Oh! Everyone everyone Ah! That's not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? [laughs crazily] Andy andy He's been sailing for two days. Darryl darryl [on computer] I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains. Andy andy [laughing] Yeah. Erin erin No. No! Nooo! [computer falls into ocean] Andy andy Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh. Erin erin [answering phone] Dwight Schrute. [turns on speakerphone] Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town? Dwight dwight [on speakerphone] Well, I have some very exciting news. David Wallace david-wallace And you didn't call Jim - that seems significant. Dwight dwight Hi, David. Jim jim Jim, good! You should hear this too. David Wallace david-wallace No, he shouldn't. Dwight dwight [taking away Dwight's handset] Go ahead David, I'm listening. Jim jim Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don't know where I'd put you. Dwight dwight Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office the day before yesterday. They've apparently just dropped the supplier they've been with for the last ten years. . David Wallace david-wallace The White Pages. Dwight dwight The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There's a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing "the White Whale". Look at all that sweet blubber. Dwight dwight Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and Dwight, that is you. David Wallace david-wallace I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second. [presses hold button] Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where's Stanley? Dwight dwight He's in the bathroom. Erin erin Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it? Dwight dwight Of course. Erin erin Yeah! Okay. [presses button again] Hey David, I'm back. Dwight dwight [from the kitchen] Eat it Stanley! Erin erin So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account? Dwight dwight No, I spoke with the receptionist over there. It's someone new but she didn't catch her name. David Wallace david-wallace Her name? Dwight dwight No, hey, Dwight shouldn't... Phyllis phyllis Shhh! [clears throat] Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me! Dwight dwight Good luck! David Wallace david-wallace Good luck to you. [disconnects call] Dwight dwight Dwight, you can't go. You have a problem with women. You can't sell to them. Phyllis phyllis That is a damnable lie. I love women. Dwight dwight Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her 'gy-na' for your entire meeting. Phyllis phyllis Ew. That's not good. Nellie nellie Yeah, she said she corrected him five times. Phyllis phyllis 'Gy-na' said that? Dwight dwight Guys, we can't let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back. Phyllis phyllis Hey remember that week in the 90's when we got bagels? Meredith meredith I miss Clinton. Creed creed Can you go instead? Pam pam I can't. I have the thing. Jim jim I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I'm helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I've ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong. Jim jim Okay, call down. It's just me, not Tom Selleck. Pete pete [laughter] Guys in breakroom guys-in-breakroom Nice! Kevin kevin Toby got us all to participate in Movember. It's a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November. Pete pete So, this is how we look now. I hope you like being turned on all the time. Clark clark Daaaaamn! It just keeps on coming, huh? Darryl darryl I have very fertile hair glands. Toby toby I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex. Toby toby God! Clark clark We even go to lunch, pick up babes. Toby toby [to passing female pedestrian] Smile if you love men's prostates. Toby toby Hi. Angela angela Hi. Oscar oscar Spring cleaning? Angela angela More like fall cleaning. [chuckles] Oscar oscar [whispering] I think the senator is having an affair. Angela angela [dropping desk drawer] This doesn't... I'm sorry. Wha... what? Oscar oscar I think the senator is having an affair. Angela angela I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens. I wake up in a sweat. And then I make Angela's husband spoon me back to bed. Oscar oscar When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile. Angela angela Oh, I'm sure ...that's nothing. Oscar oscar And he's always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - it's Hot Yoga with Blake. Angela angela Angela, Blake's also a guy's name so he... may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about. Huh. Blake. Who is Blake? Oscar oscar I don't know. Angela angela I just never heard about the senator and yoga... Oscar oscar Right. Angela angela From you. I'm sure it's probably nothing. But what's with the yoga already? Oscar oscar Right? Angela angela And Blake! All right Angela, calm down! We need to go check this out. Oscar oscar What? Angela angela Angela, I'll go with you. Oscar oscar So, uh, show us how you'd normally sell to a female client. Phyllis phyllis Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog. Dwight dwight You've got this Schrute. Pam pam Okay, you just walked into her office and begin. Phyllis phyllis Hello. Dwight dwight Hello. Erin erin May I please speak to your boss? Dwight dwight No, she is the boss. Phyllis phyllis I am? Hmm.. [deep voice] Hi, I'm Mr. Hannon. How can I help you? Erin erin Okay, this isn't working for me, 'cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss. Dwight dwight He's absolutely right. I'm really struggling. Erin erin Oh, I'll be the buyer. Pam pam [sighing] Dwight dwight Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat. Pam pam I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes Dwight dwight No actually, she likes to take her time discussing her needs. Phyllis phyllis I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over. Dwight dwight Okay, let's stop here. Anyone have any thoughts? Pam pam I thought it went great. Dwight dwight I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? Two, how many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me? Nellie nellie [on phone] Okay lets get started. Business partner business-partner Yeah, I'm here. Are we all on? Jim jim Uh,, well you're the only one 'on' - we're all here. Business partner business-partner [nervous laughter] Right. Okay, uh, over the next three months... Jim jim That's the winter season., three months. Kevin kevin I uh, I have some ideas, actually... Jim jim Are you at your office right now? Business partner business-partner [hushed voice] Uh yeah. Trust me, I'd rather be with you guys. Jim jim [laughing] Uh, yeah, that sounded kinda spooky-sexy, over here Halpert. Business partner business-partner Oh, [clearing throat, deeper voice] Sorry, I uh... was just saying that we should uh... Jim jim Whoa. [laughing] I think there's been a bit of a mistake. We're trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman. Business partner business-partner [laughing] Um, you know what? I.. should have just had... I should have just had you call me on my cell. Jim jim Uh, yeah... Business partner business-partner I'm gonna try a different spot. Okay? Jim jim Okay, yeah. Business partner business-partner Okay, I'll call you right back. Jim jim What's happening in three months? Kevin kevin Okay, when you're selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now? Pam pam Yes. Dwight dwight Okay, well you have to show us. Pam pam That's impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all. Dwight dwight Huh. [nodding] Uh huh. Pam pam What are you doing? Dwight dwight A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it? Pam pam Kind of. Dwight dwight Nellie, why don't you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you're listening. Pam pam Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I've commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way. Nellie nellie It's just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person. Erin erin I am a person. Dwight dwight Yes. Erin erin And then we thought we'd ... I can't. I just can't carry on with that face. Look at it. I'm gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he's laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh. Nellie nellie That's a bit extreme. Dwight dwight No, I'm sorry but that is true. Nellie nellie He's screwed. They're meeting in less than an hour. Meredith meredith Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It's all garbage okay? You're the woman, I'm the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn. Phyllis phyllis Okay, I'm a woman. [high voice] I'm a woman. Good? Dwight dwight Ms. Thomas, so good to see you. Phyllis phyllis Hello. Dwight dwight Oh, are those your kids? They're so cute! They could be models. Phyllis phyllis Thank you. I'm so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina. Dwight dwight Booo! Weird. Meredith meredith No. Nellie nellie Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. It's hopeless. Phyllis phyllis Ten years ago, I didn't care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I'm like, that poor gimp is somebody's child. Pam pam You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women. Pam pam Look, I have no problem with women. It's businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don't lie about your shoulders! Dwight dwight Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience? Pam pam I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently. Dwight dwight Okay, so, when you're selling to this woman, just imagine that she's that nice, reasonable barber. Pam pam Okay, I can do that. Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps. Pam pam He used to fight dogs. Dwight dwight Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs? Pam pam Little of this, little of that. Dwight dwight Which one is the instructor? There all fatties. Angela angela Angela! [whispering] Angela. There. Oscar oscar Where? Angela angela [whispering] On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh, so wait. Blake is a her. Oscar oscar Oh my God! She's so stunningly tiny! She's like a petite double zero, for sure. For sure! Holy cow! Look at what they're doing. Angela angela She's repositioning his hips for downward facing dog. Oscar oscar [gasps] I've heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar, Thumbelina has a boyfriend! And he has a ponytail - ew. I'd like to see that run for office. Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let's go. Angela angela Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Oscar oscar Ow. Angela angela Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut up, hold on. Shh. Hold on. Sorry. Look. Oscar oscar [sound effect of throwing ball] Pete pete This is fun. You know? I mean, this is fun. Toby toby What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in -- Jim jim [on phone] It was in what? Jim, we're having a lot of trouble hearing you. Business partner business-partner The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...[car alarm blaring] was in the... Jim jim Hey! Are those skateboarders back? Hank hank [on phone] Jim? Jim, are you there? Business partner business-partner Where are they? Hank hank It was, uh in the authentic design, right? So I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan was wearing these shoes, so ... Jim jim Who was messing with my van? Meredith meredith Nobody! Jim jim [on phone] Jordan wore them for nobody? We're not following you, Halpert. Business partner business-partner No, no, no. Jim jim This ends now! Hank hank Have a seat. Um, she will be right in. Secretary secretary Oh, great. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don't have it. Pam pam Uh... um she'll be right in. Secretary secretary Okay, great. Pam pam [to himself] Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it. Dwight dwight Oh my God. It's Jan. Pam pam Oh, dear God in heaven. Dwight dwight Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met. Pam pam [scene from Dinner Party, Season 4 and The Job Season 3] None none You son of a bitch. You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off? Jan jan Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that? Pam pam Forget everything we taught you. Hey, Jan! It's so great to see you. Pam pam Where's Wallace? Jan jan What? Pam pam I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct? Jan jan Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off. [laughs] Dwight dwight Sorry. Um, David is in Vermont. Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead. Pam pam Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont. Jan jan Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing 'cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, those bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them... Molly molly Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan. Jan jan I'm so sorry Jan. Molly molly I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh, David Wallace after all these years. Oh, well. What are you doing? Jan jan Listening. Dwight dwight Stop. Jan jan Sorry. Dwight dwight Stop that. Jan jan Okay. Dwight dwight So this was all just a trick. You don't really have any business to give? Pam pam No, I do. Jan jan But not to us. Pam pam Insightful, Pam. Jan jan You did good, Dwight. It's okay. I mean, seriously, Jan's not normal. Let's just go. She's not going to sell to us. Pam pam Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I'll be right back. Dwight dwight What? Pam pam Pam? Jan jan Yeah. Pam pam I'm a very busy woman, so... Jan jan Yeah. Um, do you have any other pictures of Astrid? Pam pam Fine. I will show you one... slide show. Jan jan Erin, did this call... Pete pete Uh! Erin erin What? Pete pete Sorry, I uh, just saw your face. Erin erin Oh, I'm sorry. It's for the thing. Pete pete I know. That's great. It just - it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face. Erin erin Wow. Pete pete A handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket... which isn't bad. Erin erin Uh-huh. Pete pete But um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... Which is great. It's such a great cause. Erin erin Yeah. Pete pete [chuckles] Erin erin Mommy, you're a princess. Mommy, you're a superstar. Mommy you're the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es? Jan jan Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever. Pam pam Aw. Jan jan And it is so cute how she signs her name. Pam pam [chuckles] Well, that -- that was -- that was me too. Jan jan Oh, okay. It's just that's how Cece does it with the backwards 'E's. Pam pam Cece can't spell her name. Jan jan Oh, actually she can. Pam pam Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, "Cece" is two letters and "Astrid" is... I mean, there's even some adults who -- who -- who can't spell it. Jan jan Of course. Pam pam Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam. Jan jan Um... "A"... "X"? I don't -- you got me. Pam pam Don't patronize me. Jan jan [whispering] I'm so sorry. I hate this. You're better. Pam pam [whispering] Okay, we should go now. Let's go. Angela angela [stammering wildly] Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch. [scoffs] Oscar oscar Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can't get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire -- Angela angela [whispering] Please. It's Robert who's enjoying it. Oscar oscar What? Angela angela This could be the affair that you're scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. [pause] But uh, he's probably not gay. He's straight. He's straight, so... Oscar oscar Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water? Pam pam No. Jan jan Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I've got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes. Dwight dwight Oh, my God. Pam pam Where's the Quizno's? Clark clark You're the Quizno's. [chuckles] Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs -- nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name? Dwight dwight I -- I -- Jan jan Hmm? Dwight dwight I don't recall. And yes, Molly is crap. Jan jan Okay, you do not have to do this. Pam pam Do what? Get into sales? That's what I want. Clark clark He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young. Dwight dwight Will you uh, [clicks tongue] you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business. Jan jan Very good. Dwight dwight [to Clark] Do you have a valid passport? Jan jan Jim Halpert. Jim jim [on phone] Hey, it's Colin. Colin colin Hey man. I am so sorry about that. Jim jim I know. Don't worry about it. Colin colin [laughs] Jim jim It's just... it's not totally working. Colin colin Yeah. No, I know. This whole telecommuting thing -- not ideal. But don't worry. I'll figure it out. Jim jim Yeah, well, it's not just not ideal. I mean, with you there, I don't know how we're gonna do this. Colin colin Uh, what does -- what does that mean? Jim jim Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the senator might be gay? Angela angela I don't know, Angela. I'm dehydrated. Maybe... You heard me wrong. We should just go. Oscar oscar Look, look, look. Here he comes. Here he comes. What is he doing? Angela angela He's making a phone call. Oscar oscar [ducking under table with Oscar] Oh. Oh. Angela angela [phone vibrates, rings] Oscar oscar Oh, hey, Molly. You should just quit. Pam pam Thanks. Okay. Molly molly Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can't be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings. Dwight dwight Dwight, that was really nice. You should ask for her number. Pam pam Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL. Dwight dwight That's a license number? Pam pam That's all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know. Dwight dwight Oh. Why me? Pam pam Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It's like air to you people. Ugh, God. [retching] Dwight dwight