Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. [Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth] Spit... Okay, come on, let's go. Dwight dwight You look cute today, Dwight. Jim jim Thanks, girl. Dwight dwight So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs. Jim jim Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation. Dwight dwight [nods] Hey... Kevin kevin I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't. Dwight dwight [mimicking Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. Jim jim [laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can. Pam pam And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said "Is it okay if I sip it?" and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way. Kelly kelly Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night? Dwight dwight Six. Kelly kelly I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night. Dwight dwight I go to a lot of parties. Ryan ryan Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys. Dwight dwight I am not giving you my keys. Ryan ryan Don't make me do this the hard way. Dwight dwight What's the hard way? Ryan ryan I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him. Dwight dwight Yeah, let's do it that way. Ryan ryan Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow. Michael michael I can't stop this investigation. It is my job. Dwight dwight Whoa. You are a volunteer. Jim jim I volunteered for this job. Dwight dwight And that's not the same. Jim jim It is my duty... Dwight dwight [interrupting] Volunteer duty. Jim jim ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know. Dwight dwight [fake coughing] Narc! Michael michael [giggling] Kevin kevin If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job. Dwight dwight I wasn't attempting to compliment you. Michael michael Well, you have... Dwight dwight Uuf, well... Michael michael ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have... Dwight dwight [shakes head] Okay... Michael michael ...and I am very proud of being a narc. Dwight dwight Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where's my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest! Michael michael Well, your office is behind you. Jim jim Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies? Michael michael I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any. Ryan ryan Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule. Dwight dwight Have you ever taken any illegal drugs? Dwight dwight No, I have not. Oscar oscar Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it? Dwight dwight What are you implying? Oscar oscar Have you ever... pooped... a balloon? Dwight dwight Okay. I'm done with this. Oscar oscar He sure left in a hurry. Dwight dwight I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime. Dwight dwight Do you know what this is? [pushing a photo toward her] Dwight dwight Yes, it's marijuana. Phyllis phyllis How do you know that? Dwight dwight It's labeled. Phyllis phyllis [grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit. Dwight dwight That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. Creed creed No, it's marijuana. Dwight dwight I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you. Jim jim That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me. Dwight dwight Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember. Jim jim I would remember. Dwight dwight Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory? Jim jim That's not how it works. Dwight dwight Now how do you know how it works? Jim jim Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you. Dwight dwight No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? Jim jim [opens eyes wide in total surprise] Dwight dwight So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it. Oscar oscar Oh, um...[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly] Jim jim Is that supposed to be me? Stanley stanley Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression. Jim jim I do not think that is funny. Stanley stanley He does everyone in the office. Pam pam Hmmmpt. Stanley stanley [in unison] I do not think that is funny. {Pam} and {Jim} pam jim Jinx! Buy me a coke. Pam pam Oh... Jim jim No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out] Pam pam Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx. Pam pam [mouths] C'mon! Jim jim Sorry, that's not my problem. Pam pam [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face] Jim jim I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently. Dwight dwight I understand. Angela angela Where were you yesterday after work? Dwight dwight [smiles knowingly] Angela angela Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin? Michael michael That is so good, Michael Kevin kevin Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who's in trouble? Michael michael Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine. Dwight dwight Waa... what? What are you talking about? Michael michael Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours. Dwight dwight Is that true, Toby? Oscar oscar Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing. Toby toby Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it. Michael michael Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection. Michael michael No you can't do that. Dwight dwight I can do that, it is my office. Michael michael No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine. Dwight dwight Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great. Michael michael Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine? Dwight dwight I'm not taking Rogaine. Kevin kevin Angela, what about you? Dwight dwight I don't take any prescription drugs. Angela angela You're not on anything? Dwight dwight [Gives Dwight a knowing look] Angela angela Good. Dwight dwight So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! [Jim hunches his shoulders and grins] One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. [Jim shakes his head no in agreement] I mean not everything, Jim. [Jim shakes his head in agreement] I promise, I'm not that kind of... Kelly kelly Hey guys, what's going on? Pam pam We're having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no] Kelly kelly Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, "Gee, thanks, Pam."] Pam pam So, I was looking so hot... Kelly kelly It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about. Michael michael We don't feel that way. Phyllis phyllis No, not at all. Angela angela You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc. Oscar oscar No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs." Michael michael Thank you, Michael. Dwight dwight I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind. Michael michael Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children. Michael michael Where did you get these facts? Stanley stanley Are these facts scaring you, or are they not? Michael michael They are not. Stanley stanley Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool? Michael michael No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants. Stanley stanley Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with? Michael michael Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. Toby toby Yes it is. Michael michael No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors. Toby toby Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair. Michael michael You can't do that. Toby toby I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly. Michael michael That's not random. Toby toby Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam. Michael michael I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs. Pam pam Really? [Jim shakes his head no] Michael michael Uh, hmmm. Pam pam Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well. Michael michael Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that. Pam pam The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not. Michael michael No, you will be tested. Dwight dwight Yes, I will not be. Michael michael You will be. That is the law according to the rules. Dwight dwight Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you. Michael michael Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy. Dwight dwight We test a lot of urine. Linda linda Mine was green. Dwight dwight Oh, right. How are you? Linda linda I'm all better. Dwight dwight So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done. Michael michael What kind of filing? Dwight dwight Just forget it. Just the urine. Michael michael That goes directly to the tester. Dwight dwight Just. I need your urine. Michael michael Like in a cup? Dwight dwight Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight. Michael michael For what purpose? Dwight dwight It's none of your business. Michael michael Then I refuse. Dwight dwight Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring. Michael michael Are you serious? Dwight dwight I need clean urine for the lady. Michael michael But that's illegal. Dwight dwight Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes Michael michael Not my urine. Dwight dwight A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens. Michael michael Were you forced to do drugs at this concert? Dwight dwight No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup. Michael michael Do you want to give Michael your urine? Angela angela I want him to have all the urine he needs. Dwight dwight You're not going to get my permission on this. Angela angela I know that. Don't you think I know that? Dwight dwight Yeah, we do testing all over the country. Linda linda Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring? Ryan ryan You want to work at the urinalysis lab? Linda linda Yeah. Maybe. Ryan ryan My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out. Dwight dwight What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means] Pam pam I'd like a magazine. Kevin kevin We just need urine, sir. Linda linda I'd still like one. Kevin kevin Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much. Michael michael That's great. Dwight dwight What's wrong? Where's your costume? Michael michael It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation. Dwight dwight Why? Wha... Michael michael I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today. Dwight dwight [placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam] Pam pam Hi. Jim jim Hey. Pam pam How much time do you have left on your break? Jim jim Ten minutes. Pam pam Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch. Michael michael Really? Dwight dwight Yes, sir. Michael michael That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked . Dwight dwight So you wanna? Thanks. Michael michael Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security. Hank hank Okay. Michael michael Here's your badge. Hank hank Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun? Dwight dwight No, I don't have a gun. Hank hank Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff. Dwight dwight I don't think so. Hank hank Good. Michael michael [salutes] Thank you, Michael. Dwight dwight No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes] Michael michael I need to go over some details with you. Dwight dwight Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you. Michael michael First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have? Dwight dwight Two. Hank hank Oh, God. Dwight dwight Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship? Jim jim [growling] Nice. Jim jim Kevin. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Do someone else. Pam pam Um, [gives Pam a look] Jim jim Angela. Pam pam Whoa. Jim jim The eyebrow. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes. Dwight dwight Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course. Toby toby People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs. Dwight dwight He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately. Phyllis phyllis And what did you say? Stanley stanley I said no. Phyllis phyllis Hmm. Stanley stanley You're welcome. Phyllis phyllis Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you're up. Dwight dwight Last night? Let's see. Pam pam Go ahead. Don't lie. Dwight dwight I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that? Pam pam No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead. Dwight dwight I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy. Pam pam Oh. Dwight dwight And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp. Pam pam Oh. Dwight dwight Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? [Jim shakes head 'no'] Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. [Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no'] They're not taking away my kid. Oh. Meredith meredith Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold. Kelly kelly Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up. Dwight dwight Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon. Michael michael How? Oscar oscar Exactly. I know. It's amazing. Michael michael No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or... Oscar oscar I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong... Creed creed Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine. Michael michael Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! [Note pad reads, "Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive"] There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names. Dwight dwight One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar... Michael michael Excuse me? Stanley stanley No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me. Michael michael It's not me, either. Phyllis phyllis No? okay, fine. Michael michael [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting. Jan jan Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping] Michael michael Has she been on the phone the whole time? Pam pam Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel. Michael michael Make-up sex. Nice! Dwight dwight Nice. Kevin kevin Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we? Michael michael The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high. Dwight dwight Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out. Michael michael just drink a lot of water. Dwight dwight Well... Michael michael You have to relax your muscles around the bladder. Dwight dwight I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay? Michael michael [reading from Michael's flier] "Drugs: Pam pam You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. [Kelly laughs] You know? He couldn't do that. Toby toby But then we wouldn't have any meetings. Kelly kelly Yeah. Toby toby Okay. Bye, Toby. Kelly kelly Bye. Toby toby Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay. Kelly kelly I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim. Angela angela Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free. Meredith meredith [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. [to Jim] There's a Brenda on the phone for you. [to Brenda] Just one second, I'll transfer. Pam pam [telephone ringing] [shows note to camera "It's OK. She'll call back!"] Jim jim She's got it up now. Man man He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down. Sheriff sheriff Hey. Hey. Jerry. Dwight dwight Thanks. Sheriff sheriff Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge. Dwight dwight Where sis you get that? Sheriff sheriff I got it here. Dwight dwight No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this. Sheriff sheriff No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore. Dwight dwight You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit. Sheriff sheriff Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could. Dwight dwight Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out? Sheriff sheriff Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance... Dwight dwight Surveillance? Sheriff sheriff Crowd control, directing traffic... Dwight dwight Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace? Sheriff sheriff I've only had to use it once. Dwight dwight [tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 vance-refrigeration-worker I hate pizza. Vance Refrigeration Worker #2 vance-refrigeration-worker