[pacing back and forth.] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no. Ryan ryan Okay fine. Ryan, something the matter? Pam pam Smokey's dead. Ryan ryan Smokey, the bear? Pam pam Smokey Robinson Pam. He died like an hour ago, I guess I'm the first to know. Ryan ryan Wow That's terrible, I really liked him. Jim jim Oh you liked him? That's nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that tracks of my tears is maybe the last true love song ever written? I'm glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now. Ryan ryan Well, I second that emotion. Jim jim Huh? Ryan ryan I know a few of his songs, but what were his big ones? Nellie nellie Oh God, Nellie! What wasn't his? I mean, um, "Tracks of my Tears"? Ryan ryan Yeah Nellie nellie Um... God, so many, Nellie! Ryan ryan No, no, no, "Tracks of My Tears" and what else? What are some more? What's one more? Pam pam Okay, I'm not... I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today. Ryan ryan I don't think you love Smokey Robinson. I think you're just doing all of this to prove how deep you are about music Pam pam Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles. Ryan ryan You don't like the Beatles? Dwight dwight That's... That's not the point! Ryan ryan Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer? Dwight dwight Okay, you know, you always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing? Ryan ryan It says here this Smokey Robinson dead thing was a hoax. It's on CNN as of two minutes ago. Oscar oscar Okay well, that's a relief! Ryan ryan Wow! Look at that! It says he's actually playing State College. That's only three hours away! Jim jim Oh my God, Ryan! That's perfect! You have to go! Pam pam Tickets are 250 bucks. Jim jim 250 dollars is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan. Pam pam Yeah... Who's opening? Ryan ryan Paul Anka. Jim jim Paul Anka?! How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that? I don't think I can see this. Ryan ryan Okay, you could just show up late though. Jim jim How much is parking, like 30 bucks? That's not what Smokey would have wanted. Does want. Ryan ryan Tears of a clown! Pam pam Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that! Ryan ryan Looking good, RC! Darryl darryl Ugh, I hate ties! I feel like I'm being strangled like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84. The red room say? Or Dominick's? Robert robert Robert! The senator was going to wear dark brown tonight... I'm sure it will be fine. Angela angela My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district! Angela angela I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance that we are all about to be killed Dwight dwight Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people... Jim jim What's going on? Oscar oscar There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot. Dwight dwight Oh that's Andy. He's just hanging out Erin erin That's how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male "hanging out". Call the cops! Dwight dwight Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody. Pam pam How do you? I mean, why do you think he's there? Phyllis phyllis I don't even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel. I'm going up to the roof. [Grabs bag.] And I'm gonna bring my gym bag just in case. Dwight dwight I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America, I'd be murdered. Nellie nellie Hey! Andy andy Hey, just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything is normal. Maybe video tape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see. Erin erin We think you might kill Robert. Angela angela What? Andy andy because he fired you which means apparently you're living in your car now. Kevin kevin guys, everything is fine! I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the Fundraiser. Andy andy Oh, great! That sounds good! Pam pam Wait, what? You're going to the fundraiser tonight? That's going to be weird. Kevin kevin Why would that be weird? Andy andy It's going to be super weird, he just fired you last week. Kevin kevin Andy's just coming as my date. Erin erin Hey, I hear you! I hope you're right. It just seems like it's going to be really, really weird. Kevin kevin [hears knocks on door.] Come in! Nellie nellie You really re-did Andy's office, huh? Darryl darryl Yes, cut out the clutter. Very simple, very minimal. Nellie nellie I need you to sign these, we got a shipment going out. Darryl darryl How are things in the warehouse? Nellie nellie You could go downstairs and ask them? Darryl darryl The warehouse isn't downstairs? [laughs.] Is it? Is it? Nellie nellie Who knew, right? Darryl darryl [speechless.] I... Nellie nellie Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me. Nellie nellie Robert, the senator and I wanted to stop by and say hello. Angela angela Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past, with a side order of sexy? Andy andy Oh man, this is weird! Kevin kevin Andrew. [Robert extends his hand.] Robert robert Oh, Wanna shake my hand, huh? Cause I want to shake your body! [hugs Robert and laughs.] I had you, I had you! Andy andy [points back and forth at the multiple cameras] Where do I look? It's been so long since I did one of these things? Okay, alright! What's the question? How am I doing? Umm... Great! Andy andy Creed, I just bid twenty dollars on six Jiu-Jitsu lessons. No one's raping this guy! Kevin kevin Well, I don't want to get raped [picks up clipboard] Twenty-Two! Creed creed No! It was my idea to not be raped! Kevin kevin [Dwight enters] Wait, you think Jiu-Jitsu classes cost $22 [grabs clipboard.] If you're going to guess the price, you might as well try to be halfway accurate. $180! Dwight dwight Whoa, Dwight, I don't think you understand. Kevin kevin You guess the price, you win the prize. Have you never been to a Quaker fair before? God! Dwight dwight So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one! Kevin kevin What haven't I been doing? Gosh, just today I was working on this rock opera that I'm writing, though it feels more like I'm receiving it than writing it. Andy andy Wow, that's exciting! But until you firm up the idea, you might want to keep it between us. Jim jim The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil. Andy andy Sounds like you're doing alright. Pam pam Ehh, a little better than alright, actually. Really good! Andy andy Oh, this guy is having a breakdown. Ryan ryan You know, Oscar, I really had no idea you were so passionate about animals. Senator Lipton senator-lipton my dog Gerald is my life. Oscar oscar really? Well, if you want to get involved, call me. This is my cell. I'm more likely to pick up night, say after 9... Excuse me. [Walks away.] Senator Lipton senator-lipton This confirms three things: I'm right about the senator, I still got it, and poor Angela. Oscar oscar [telling story to Nellie.] I stepped in right away and start- Robert robert Bobby! Bobbo! You're a rock opera guy, right? You like rock operas? Andy andy Well... Robert robert You gotta check out this thing I'm working on, it's really cool. There's this character Thomas Oregon, and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world because he realizes that music is the one thing he can't control. Andy andy So, Thomas Oregon is an evil figure? Robert robert Evil! [chuckles.] although he's humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants. Andy andy and the hero, who's that based on? Robert robert Me, I guess. [sings.] We're flying so high, we're crackin' the sky! Gonna fly out of this dome my girlfriend and I! Andy andy Hey jabroni. Show some class. Meredith meredith She's right, Andy. you're being a jabroni Stanley stanley You're being a Thomas Oregon! Andy andy Andrew, I think this may have been a bad idea. Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin to go out to a great romantic dinner tonight? Robert robert Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you. Why don't you quit harshing our mellow? Andy andy Andy you should leave. Now. Robert robert [to Waiter.] Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please. Andy andy I'm sorry, the tables are sold as complete units. Waiter waiter then I'll take a table! Andy andy Okay Waiter waiter And a high five! [Raises hand, misses high five with waiter.] Oh, let's do this again! Andy andy [waiter is cracking pepper into Andys salad] Oh, yes indeed... When! [Waiter begins walking away.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! You forgot a few salads! [waiter peppers another salad.] When! Andy andy I stumbled into a very dramatic situation. Angelas husband just hit on me! Oscar oscar Oh my god! Pam pam I know! Oscar oscar Wait, what? Come on! Jim jim We were talking about animals, he gives me his cell phone number. He was just dying for me to have it. Oscar oscar Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy, because you are, but isn't it possible that he was just schmoosing a voter? Jim jim Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me, he wanted to run more than just my vote. Oscar oscar Okay, what was this look? [Oscar does the look.] Jim jim Whoa! Pam pam What happened, did he do it? Jim jim Are you- Twice! For real? Pam pam Okay guys, not every glance means something, alright? Life isn't Downton Abbey. Jim jim Life is Downton Abbey. Pam pam Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to him and I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody. Jim jim [on phone.] How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you! Dwight dwight It's $475! Like candy from a baby! Dwight dwight Hey... David Wallace! Andy andy Andy Bernard! David Wallace david-wallace Hey, how are you? Andy andy How you doing, I'm great! How you doing, are you still with Dunder Mifflin? David Wallace david-wallace No, got canned last week. Andy andy Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. David Wallace david-wallace No, best thing that ever happened to me. Andy andy That's the attitude to have. You know what, when I got canned, I was lost, right? I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck-It. David Wallace david-wallace Yikes! Andy andy Yeah, exactly right? Then suddenly out of nowhere, the US military bought the patent from me for twenty million dollars! The point is, forget those guys, k? Move on! Good to see you, Andy! David Wallace david-wallace Call me a lame man, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers... Or Oreos... Or a pizza pie or, what's another food that we like? Nellie nellie Tacos. Darryl darryl What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos right now! Nellie nellie I can go get us some tacos. Darryl darryl Brilliant! Nellie nellie If you loan me some money. Darryl darryl Yes, I can do that. For, um, for two tacos, we'd probably need about what 20... $20? Or $25? $20? Nellie nellie $30. Darryl darryl $30, yes! Nellie nellie I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please god don't let them have eyes! Nellie nellie [Jim shakes Senators hand, returns to table.] So? Oscar oscar Boom! [hands Oscar a business card.] Jim jim This is interesting. Oscar oscar Hm-hmm. Pam pam what is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody. Jim jim Or you proved that he thinks you're gay. Pam pam He does not think Jim's gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes. Oscar oscar Well, a gay man would not leave the store wearing those shoes! Pam pam Oh, hey! you bought me those shoes! Jim jim Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight, we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist and a great guy. Robert California! Speaker speaker Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason! Robert robert can you believe this guy? Andy andy The state senator, Robert Lipton, loves dogs. he asked me if I loved dogs. you know what I said? Yes! [laughter.] Robert robert Not a joke. That was not even a joke. Andy andy Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people don't often adopt older dogs, so Bella and eleven heroes like her are being cared for by our generous volunteers because frankly nobody else will Robert robert I will! I will take all of those dogs! Andy andy Andy, that's very kind- Robert robert No, no, no. This guy can talk and talk all he wants, but it's not that complicated. Andy andy Andy why don't we discuss this at a- Robert robert No, no, no, it's about being there for someone after it's become inconvenient for them to be around. Hello everyone, I am Andy Bernard and I am going to take that bitch home! That is a female dog reference. [Points at himself] This bitch understands loyalty! Sassy human reference [grabs dog] thank you, I will take Bella and every single one of her friends! Andy andy Oh God! Erin erin Mr. Bernard, right this way. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Okay! Hope you all learned something! Andy andy Huey is going to need this medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up. So, other end is best. Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because daisy will start to, uh... I was going to say bark, but it's more of a scream. Vet vet I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already. Andy andy Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis. Vet vet Stupid dog. Andy andy Well, if you would like to talk about this some more, my office is always open! So here's my office number, and my cell number. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Thank you! Meredith meredith Well, looks like he really did just want to talk about the issues. i'm Sorry Oscar. Pam pam sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here. Oscar oscar No. I'm certainly not disappointed that Angelas husband was not hitting on me. I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster. Oscar oscar Tacos were on sale, eight for $3! Darryl darryl Oh, great! Okay, oh... Oh, these tacos! Nellie nellie Hmhmm. Darryl darryl Mmm! Uhh [Eats Taco incorrectly.] Mmmm... Oh! Hmmph! Nellie nellie She's trying. Darryl darryl The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute! Speaker speaker [applause] Yes! Thank you! Dwight dwight The yearlong membership to Scraton-Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute! Speaker speaker [applause] Oh yes! Yeah! Dwight dwight A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute! Speaker speaker [applause] Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Ha, ha! Dwight dwight Well, I think I can save us some time, Dwight Schrute has won every single item here! Speaker speaker Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices, idiots! Suck it! Dwight dwight Well, Dwight, yes! You certainly are a record breaker! Your donation is the largest we've ever received at over 34 thousand dollars! [applause] Speaker speaker Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Jim jim Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing... And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: when did it become all about the money. when did it become about the flower arrangements, and the white wine spritser, hmm? and all the dinner rolls. you people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight, two? Three maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! these tables tarted up like Victorian whores! lets' remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night! [throws microphone and runs away] Dwight dwight Oscar! Senator Lipton senator-lipton Nice to see you again, it was lovely! Oscar oscar It was lovely! And don't forget to call. Senator Lipton senator-lipton okay Oscar oscar thanks so much for coming Senator Lipton senator-lipton why does this always happen to me? Ahh! I just feel so bad for Angela Oscar oscar [applying diaper to dog.] so it just goes on under here like this? Andy andy that's right! Vet vet Ugh, oh god! Andy andy Yeah, you never get used to that. Vet vet Hey, just wanted to check in. See how you are doing. Jim jim I am so great! Andy andy He's great. we're all great. Twelve dogs. This my life now, I'm a dog nurse. Erin erin Look at that one though, he's smiling! Jim jim Yeah, he should be! It's his first day without a muzzle. Vet vet This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me Andy andy Absolutely, it's awesome- Pam pam Yes- Jim jim I'm sorry, are you guys nuts? He's not doing great! He was fired! This is terrible! This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you, not the best. Kevin kevin You're right. he's right, I am a mess. This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine. I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe- Andy andy Maybe you would think it too! [silence.] I'm sorry, it's just I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations. Vet vet Okay well, Andy, listen. It's okay if you don't feel totally settled. This is all very fresh. Jim jim Yeah, I mean, admitting you need help is the first step! Pam pam Yes! And also, focusing on the positive. Like I got a lot of good things going on! Andy andy Yeah! Like that rock opera! You could always do that right? Jim jim Yeah, I do. I have that. Andy andy Yeah Jim jim You're going to be alright Erin erin No. No he's not. Kevin kevin Yes, I am! Thank you, Kev! Andy andy You're welcome! Kevin kevin Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. and by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times! Kevin kevin So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs. It's been great! Erin erin Pepper's been getting me out of the house, going on runs. Darryl darryl My dog Ruby doesn't do anything, she just lays there all day! She's so chill. Kevin kevin What do you feed her? Pam pam Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty! Kevin kevin Is she sick? How are her poops? Darryl darryl Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up! She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it. Kevin kevin Does she smell? Pam pam She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown. Kevin kevin People seem awful interested in you Ruby. Guess they're just jealous, right! [dog licks Kevins face.] Yeah, that a girl, that a girl! Man that stinks! Kevin kevin