And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination. Michael michael There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it. Jim jim I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it! Pam pam We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall] Michael michael Dah! Come on! Andy andy Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland. Michael michael It's never gonna happen. Oscar oscar Dude, you gotta believe. Kevin kevin Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle? Michael michael [to Pam] Wait for it. Jim jim Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a "Where's Waldo." [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen] Michael michael Oh! Yes! Everyone everyone [everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead. Michael michael That was so awesome. Kevin kevin That was awesome. Thank you. Michael michael Some days I am just on fire. What can I say? Michael michael Hey... there he is. Meredith meredith Hey Meredith, how you feelin'? Jim jim I never thanked you for coming to the hospital. Meredith meredith Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so... Jim jim Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut. Meredith meredith Haha... Jim jim Anyway, I have this Sharpie... Meredith meredith Uh-huh. Jim jim And I was wondering if you could sign my cast? Meredith meredith MmmHmm... Jim jim [lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis] Can you write where I can read it? Meredith meredith Oh yeah. Jim jim [whispers] I'll read this when I get home. Meredith meredith Alright... Jim jim Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone. Pam pam Oh, does he? Michael michael He does. Pam pam Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you. Michael michael Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us? Jim jim And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches. Michael michael Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen... Michael michael The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight. Michael michael That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website. Dwight dwight Actually it sounds like you are. Jim jim Really? 'Cause Ryan says so? Dwight dwight If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody? Kelly kelly No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight. Michael michael Yes, please let us know. Stanley stanley I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today. Dwight dwight Waste of time. Angela angela What's that, pipsqueak? Michael michael Waste of time. The website's going to win. Angela angela You believe a computer can beat me? Dwight dwight I don't care, but yes. Angela angela Well I will prove you wrong. Dwight dwight I don't care, and you won't. Angela angela We'll see. Dwight dwight I won't be watching, and I won't. Angela angela Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness. Pam pam Stanley, you're dancing! Phyllis phyllis No I'm not. Stanley stanley Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest. Ryan ryan I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall. Voice of {Thomas Dean} thomas-dean Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun. Ryan ryan And this is where I will record your sales. Andy andy Hmm. Very nice. Very nice. Dwight dwight And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done. Andy andy Or zipadeedoodaah. Jim jim I can't tell if he's mocking me. Andy andy Just ignore him. Dwight dwight Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go. Andy andy I was... mocking. Jim jim Thank you. Andy andy I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale. Dwight dwight Yes like a chime or a bell... Andy andy Or a gong. Jim jim Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me. Dwight dwight Yes! Andy andy Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party? Kevin kevin Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you? Angela angela Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. [whispering] So we're gonna try out some new things today. Phyllis phyllis So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch? Phyllis phyllis I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid. Angela angela I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful. Phyllis phyllis It is awful. You've made this day awful! Angela angela Maybe you could just change the U into an A. Kevin kevin Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party? Angela angela Ohh, lunch party. Michael michael It's supposed to say launch! Angela angela Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway. Michael michael I care! Angela angela Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead. Angela angela Twenty seconds to go time. Andy andy Got it. Carb up. Dwight dwight Really? Power gel? Jim jim Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner. Dwight dwight Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go! Andy andy Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working? Jim jim Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices. Dwight dwight What? Jim jim He's going through a break-up. Pam pam Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person. Jim jim [blowing air horn] Yeah! Andy andy Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines. Dwight dwight What kind of prank are you thinking? Pam pam What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold. Dwight dwight [on monitor] Who am I? DunMiff/sys dunmiff-sys [on monitor] You tell me. DwightKSchrute dwight [dictating to Pam] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. Jim jim [on monitor] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. DunMiff/sys dunmiff-sys [on monitor] How do I know this isn't Jim? DwightKSchrute dwight [on monitor] What is a Jim? DunMiff/sys dunmiff-sys It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael Yes it's too tight. Pam pam Waaay too tight. Kelly kelly Really? Michael michael This is why I'm here? Oscar oscar Why is it so tight? Kelly kelly It's the European cut. Michael michael Is just looks bad. Angela angela Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging? Michael michael Setting up the web-cam for the party. Tech Guy tech-guy Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7? Michael michael Depends... how much have you eaten already today? Kelly kelly I had um, one of those danishes. Michael michael Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Pam pam You had carbs? That's awful. Kelly kelly Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan. Pam pam Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun. Michael michael [on phone] My friends? Michael, I was terminated. Jan jan Just... Michael michael Is it really that important to you? Jan jan Yeah. Michael michael Alright. Jan jan Thank you. Michael michael Go by yourself. Jan jan Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser. Michael michael Well... Jan jan Do I have your permission to invite Carol? Michael michael What? No Michael! Jan jan I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with. Michael michael Ohhhhhh! Dwight dwight Website check please. Andy andy Three hundred and five. Meredith meredith Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely. Andy andy Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty. Meredith meredith You my friend are in a very close second. Andy andy Four-oh-two. Meredith meredith Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady? Andy andy What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve. Meredith meredith So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins. Michael michael Sure we'll go. Jim jim Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good. Michael michael Oh I'm sorry. What? Jim jim One of the tickets is for him. Pam pam Just let me know who the winner is. Michael michael Not it. {Pam} and {Jim} pam jim Nope. Jim jim I won. Pam pam Definitely not. If anything it was a tie. Jim jim Tie goes to the girlfriend. Pam pam No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. [hangs up phone] Dwight dwight How's it going? Jim jim Fine. Good. Dwight dwight Yeah? Jim jim Yeah. Dwight dwight You look a little worried. Jim jim I do not look worried. Dwight dwight [on monitor] You do look worried. DunMiff/sys dunmiff-sys [on monitor] Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read... DwightKSchrute dwight Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one. Pam pam Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper. Jim jim I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless. Angela angela I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now? Angela angela Yes. Phyllis phyllis Goodie. Angela angela Hey man. Jim jim What's up man? Darryl darryl What's going on? Jim jim Make a delivery. Darryl darryl Oh yeah? Jim jim Kelly ordered this online. Darryl darryl What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts. Dwight dwight But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin." Kelly kelly Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did! Dwight dwight Who knows? Darryl darryl Return it! Return it now! Dwight dwight Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man. Darryl darryl Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible. Dwight dwight Who's it? Darryl darryl Here you go. Darryl darryl Thanks. Kelly kelly So you still missing Ryan? Darryl darryl Not so much anymore. Kelly kelly Mmmmm. Darryl darryl I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them. Dwight dwight Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good. Dwight dwight Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun. Michael michael I'm driving? Jim jim Yes. Thank you. Michael michael Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam. Jim jim Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. [kissing noise, kissing noise] I love ya Pam... okay. [singing] I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight? Michael michael Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks. Angela angela If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow. Michael michael Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm. Dwight dwight [on monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples. DunMiff/sys dunmiff-sys I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that? Dwight dwight Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter? Dwight dwight No ! [blows air horn and dances] Andy andy Huh?! Dwight dwight Stop it! Gimme that! Give it! Angela angela Did you see the board? Dwight dwight There's still an hour. Angela angela You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham] Michael michael Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it. Jim jim Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured... Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim Same sort of stuff in here. Michael michael It's not. It's different. But it's a good book. Jim jim Mmwa. Mmwa. Michael michael What was that? Jim jim Leaving Pennsylvania. Michael michael Oh. Two kisses. Jim jim One for me one for Jan. Michael michael Gotcha. Jim jim You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday? Michael michael That would be fun. Jim jim Wanna come over Friday? Michael michael Uhhh. Can't. Jim jim After work you guys... Michael michael Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right? Jim jim Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So... Michael michael Mmmkay... Jim jim What are you doing? Michael michael Uh, that is an invitation to an online party. Jim jim No. Michael michael Yep. Jim jim No, I'm sure that's not. Na... Michael michael Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael Yep. Jim jim Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan. Michael michael You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go. Michael michael Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us? Michael michael Oh actually I withdrew from consideration. Jim jim Yeah. I withdrew too. Michael michael Four! Three! Two! One! Andy andy Yes! Dwight dwight Woo! Andy andy Woo! Dwight dwight After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams. Andy andy Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again. Dwight dwight Fifty-two reams! Andy andy No no no the first part. Dwight dwight Dwight has defeated the computer. Andy andy Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you. Dwight dwight I didn't ask you to do it for me. Angela angela You didn't have to. Dwight dwight How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary? Angela angela Hello, Pam. Angela angela Hello. Pam pam Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man. Angela angela Um... uh... I'll get back to you. Pam pam Let me know. Angela angela [on monitor] You beat me. You are the superior being. DunMiff/sys dunmiff-sys Alright who wants to party? Michael michael Why aren't you in New York? Oscar oscar Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out. Michael michael You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early. Stanley stanley I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton. Michael michael Thank you. Angela angela Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight? Michael michael He beat the computer. Andy andy Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good. Michael michael This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home. Michael michael How we doing on time? Michael michael The party starts in an hour. Angela angela Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen. Michael michael Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting? Angela angela Mmmhmm. Michael michael Something made of ice? Angela angela Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel. Michael michael Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak? Angela angela I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important... Michael michael Chocolates? Someone famous? Angela angela Yes Michael michael Cool music. Angela angela Uh... Michael michael Confetti. Angela angela I want it... Michael michael Go-Go dancers? Angela angela I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, "Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?" Michael michael I can't do this. Angela angela Yes you can. Michael michael I can't do it. Angela angela Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this? Michael michael Okay. Okay. Angela angela No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza! Michael michael What do you think of Angela? Andy andy I think she's efficient. Dwight dwight No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N. Andy andy I hadn't noticed. Dwight dwight You hadn't noticed she's a woman? Andy andy [impatient sigh] Dwight dwight I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right? Andy andy I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with. Dwight dwight Isn't that part of the fun? Andy andy No. I think you should date Kelly. Dwight dwight She works here too, how is that any different? Andy andy Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby. Dwight dwight [raised eyebrows] Okay. Andy andy Good news. Michael michael We get to go home? Stanley stanley Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo? Michael michael [murmurs of approval] All all Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo? Kevin kevin Same thing. Michael michael No, no. Kevin kevin [disagreeing with Michael] All all You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time. Michael michael Oscar, talk to him. Kevin kevin Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from? Oscar oscar Pizza by Alfredo. Michael michael [shouts of disapproval] All all Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza? Michael michael Medium amount of good pizza. All all [sighs, walks back into office] Michael michael Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage. Kevin kevin You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this. Phyllis phyllis It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do. Angela angela [Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face] Phyllis phyllis Ow! Angela angela That seemed to shut her up. Phyllis phyllis Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. [Camera pans to Kevin giving an "are you kidding me?" look] Andy andy Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box. Andy andy Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying? Andy andy What? Angela angela Hello. Andy andy I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again. Angela angela They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates. Andy andy Yup. Michael michael The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here. Pam pam You don't have to say it like that. Michael michael I said it normal. Pam pam Hey Michael michael Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Pizza guy pizza-guy Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty. Michael michael The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas. Pizza guy pizza-guy Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas. Michael michael I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy. Pizza guy pizza-guy You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza? Michael michael It's not pizza. Oscar oscar Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon. Michael michael [shrugs] Pizza guy pizza-guy [sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um? Michael michael Not my problem. Pizza guy pizza-guy It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story. Michael michael Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Pizza guy pizza-guy I'm not giving that to you. Michael michael Well then you're not getting you're pizzas. Pizza guy pizza-guy No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out. Michael michael What? Pizza guy pizza-guy You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room. Michael michael I'm not going in there. Pizza guy pizza-guy Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you. Michael michael This is stupid. Pizza guy pizza-guy No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here. Michael michael You find anything? Stanley stanley We think it's a straight forward kidnapping. Kevin kevin Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"? Oscar oscar Why can't you guys do it? Stanley stanley Because we're looking up jail time. Oscar oscar Fine. Stanley stanley I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp. Dwight dwight Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed. Pizza guy pizza-guy You ready to give me my discount now? Michael michael No. Pizza guy pizza-guy Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time? Michael michael What kind of business is this? Pizza guy pizza-guy We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world. Dwight dwight Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man. Michael michael You better think about what you're doing. Pizza guy pizza-guy No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay? Michael michael Sales? Pizza guy pizza-guy Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales. Michael michael You're such a loser. Pizza guy pizza-guy What did you just call him? Dwight dwight A loser. Pizza guy pizza-guy What did you say? Dwight dwight A loser. Pizza guy pizza-guy Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse. Michael michael I can make him talk, Michael. Dwight dwight Michael, Michael All all Stop talking all at once! Michael michael You need to let him go. Jim jim Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson? Michael michael Yes. Jim jim You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions. Michael michael Yes, but not by kidnapping. Jim jim I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want. Michael michael As a hostage. Jim jim I think you're over-thinking it. Michael michael I think you're under-thinking it. Jim jim Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our... Michael michael Ransom. Jim jim Trouble. Okay, alright. Michael michael What did he say? Jim jim He said no. Michael michael So, we should let him go. Jim jim No, no. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim Listen up kid. [pops balloon with his hands] I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights. Dwight dwight I have to hang these. Angela angela Why are you looking at her like that? Pizza guy pizza-guy Hey! Dwight dwight What's going on? Kevin kevin Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands. Jim jim Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin? Michael michael We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end. Kevin kevin I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour. Angela angela I think it looks good. Meredith meredith That's why you're not in charge Meredith. Angela angela Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice. Andy andy How did you, um, where did you... Angela angela It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor. Dwight dwight Will you help me put it over there? Angela angela Yes I will. Andy andy Okay. Angela angela Excuse me. Andy andy I stole it! Andy andy Thank God. Oscar oscar Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself. Pam pam I'll just wave and introduce myself. Michael michael Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof? Jim jim I'm all over it. Pam pam Okay. Jim jim What have we got here? Jim jim Good pizza. Kevin kevin Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors? Jim jim Different stuff. Kevin kevin Which one's this? Perfect. Jim jim Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk? Jim jim Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight. Pam pam And that's when I knew. You? Jim jim You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired. Pam pam That was the moment that you knew you liked me? Jim jim Yep. Pam pam Wow, can we make it a different moment? Jim jim Nope. Pam pam Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start. Manager manager And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott. Ryan ryan Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole. Michael michael Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear. Ryan ryan If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor. Pizza guy pizza-guy Ow! What are you doing? Angela angela You said your upper back itched. Andy andy I didn't ask you to scratch it. Angela angela Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you. Andy andy I'm not dating you. Angela angela So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested. Andy andy [smiles] Dwight dwight But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down. Andy andy [kicks open bathroom door] If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds! Dwight dwight Hey, have you seen Jim? Michael michael I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out. Kevin kevin Ahh-chaa! Dwight dwight Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Michael michael I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him. Dwight dwight I can hear you, man. Pizza guy pizza-guy Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat! Dwight dwight Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid. Michael michael You had to, what other choice did you have? Dwight dwight I could have paid for the pizza. Michael michael Well, yeah. Dwight dwight Oh my God, oh my God. Michael michael This is Michael. Michael michael Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out. Ryan ryan You're breaking up. I can't hear you. Michael michael Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... [Michael hangs up on Ryan] Ryan ryan [to Dwight] Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent. Michael michael What will you do? Dwight dwight I will open the door. Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands. Michael michael So, I'm paying full price? Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more. Dwight dwight See ya, drive safely. Michael michael [pizza guy flips him off] Okay. Michael michael Now what? Dwight dwight Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens. Michael michael Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas. Dwight dwight Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time. Michael michael A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge. Jim jim Ah-ha. Pam pam [answers two ringing phones] Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on. Andy andy [Andy plus two voices on the phone singing] If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me. Andy andy Hey how'd it go? Voice #1 voice Yeah, what'd she say? Voice #2 on phone voice-on-phone I don't know yet, I have to call you back. Andy andy You have to give us something... Voice #1 voice I'll call you back. Andy andy I have to go clean up after the party. Angela angela What a horrible day. Michael michael Blah. Dwight dwight Bluh. Michael michael Uhh. Dwight dwight Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what? Michael michael What? Dwight dwight I'm going to get it. Michael michael Coopers has calamari. Dwight dwight Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi. Michael michael Tokyo? Dwight dwight New York. Wanna go? Michael michael Yes. Dwight dwight Alright, you drive. Michael michael Okay. Dwight dwight Nice. Dwight dwight Here we go. Michael michael Woo-hoo. Dwight dwight Mmm. Michael michael Yum. Dwight dwight I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave. Bartender bartender Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go. Michael michael Hey, you're the Scranton guy. Man man Guilty. Michael michael I liked your statement tonight. Man man Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer. Michael michael Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that. Man man Yeah. Michael michael See you later. Man man Later on. Dwight dwight [mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face. Michael michael And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper. Dwight dwight I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot. Michael michael I started a fire with my cheese pita. Dwight dwight I made it with my cheese pita. Michael michael I date Indian girls. Dwight dwight I started a fire, I started a fire. Michael michael Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss. Dwight dwight And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody... Michael michael I don't get that, I don't understand that. Dwight dwight Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh. Michael michael Wanna head back? Michael michael Yeah, let's go. Dwight dwight [steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks] Ryan ryan [Dwight come into office unshaven] What? Dwight dwight Well it's just that you had no hair on Friday. Jim jim It's called being a man. You should try it sometime. Dwight dwight How long have you been a man? Jim jim I was born a man, Halpert. Dwight dwight That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom. Jim jim I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain. Dwight dwight [to Dwight] What do you think of Angela? There's just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame. Andy andy No. I will not be playing it "cool" [makes air quotes] with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen, I was waitlisted at my number one school. Even though I was a legacy, and I had like a thousand extra-curriculars, mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club, I was waitlisted. Did I wait, on that list? No, I did not. I busted into the admissions office and I [singing] sang them all the reasons they should admit me to the school [end singing]. And guess what? I. Got. In. And here's the kicker. That school? Cornell. Andy andy What's wrong with me? Michael michael Excuse me? Pam pam I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods] Don't avoid this. I know you're dying to say it, so just say it. Michael michael Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence. Pam pam What, no. No. Okay, bags. I have bags under my eyes, Pam. I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light... Michael michael [interrupting] The city mirrors, or the...? Pam pam The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles? The big round things. Michael michael The ones for drivers to check their blind spots? Pam pam Yes. I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this! What do I do? What do I do? Michael michael Put cold tea bags on your eyes. Pam pam Really? Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam That's it? Michael michael Mmhmm. Pam pam All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin' it. Nn... no. Michael michael [tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do? Michael michael I'm a little mad, that I don't get to go to the party in New York. But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed for gas mileage. Kevin kevin I was going to be in New York tonight, to go to the Met, but I had to cancel. Because Angela's party is mandatory. Oscar oscar I go to New York all the time, to visit my buddy Frank. He's a mole person. Creed creed Angela, what kind of music? Meredith meredith Uh... something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet. Angela angela How am I supposed to know what that is? Meredith meredith I don't know, but standing here's not going to give you the answer. Go. Angela angela Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means, it will be compared to Denise Stimm's party in Buffalo. Any idiot can defrost a microwavable hors d'oeuvres platter. And Denise proves that with every party she throws. Oh, and Denise? Stop telling people your hair's naturally curly. We all know you get perms. Angela angela Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the person's will, so Michael asported him. [giggles] Have you ever been aspor... Kevin kevin Don't. Oscar oscar Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? [pizza guy stares] Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before. Dwight dwight I'm not scared of you. Pizza guy pizza-guy In every good hostage movie, during the part where it gets really tense, and you don't know whether the bad guys are going to let the hostages go free, the cops order pizza. Kevin kevin The lady cop acted like she'd never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10,000 watt smile. [smiles] It didn't work. Toby toby Damn it. Toby toby Is that traffic school? Kelly kelly Yeah. Toby toby Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work. Kelly kelly Yeah. Toby toby Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame, you said that was inappropriate. Kelly kelly I remember. Toby toby Just reiterating what you said to me. Kelly kelly Thanks Kelly. Toby toby You know the octagon sign means stop. Oscar oscar Colorblind. Toby toby An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you? Oscar oscar It's out of context. It's not the same as driving. Toby toby