[at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David! Michael michael [confused] Oh, Michael? David Wallace david-wallace Are we all set? Michael michael Isn't our interview tomorrow? David Wallace david-wallace Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello. Michael michael You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan? David Wallace david-wallace Thought I'd catch a show. Michael michael In the middle of a work day? David Wallace david-wallace Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job. Michael michael Okay. David Wallace david-wallace Um, how many people are you interviewing? Michael michael We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people. David Wallace david-wallace Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people? Michael michael I don't think so. David Wallace david-wallace Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge? Michael michael I believe we put you in charge. David Wallace david-wallace Ah, great. No further questions. Michael michael Okay, Michael. David Wallace david-wallace Okay. Michael michael I'm really looking forward to our interview. David Wallace david-wallace And I'm really looking forward to working with you. Michael michael I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late. Michael michael [Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut] Hey. Kevin kevin Hey, Kev. Jim jim What's different about you? You look worse. Kevin kevin Thank you. Jim jim You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot. Meredith meredith Ohhh... Jim jim Turn around. Meredith meredith No. Jim jim Yes. Meredith meredith No way. Jim jim Do it! Meredith meredith Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut. Andy andy [exhales loudly] Andy... Jim jim What is it, Big Haircut? Andy andy Nothing. Jim jim Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut. Andy andy Yup. Jim jim What? Andy andy Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless. Jim jim Hey. I think it looks great. Pam pam Thanks, Pam. Jim jim After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so [quietly, and mock bowing] thank you. Pam pam [knock on door] Yeah. Michael michael You wanted to see me? Dwight dwight Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute. Michael michael But that's my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you. Dwight dwight Okay. Uh... Michael michael [cries harder] Thank you, Michael. Dwight dwight Uh, okay. Michael michael [sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much. Dwight dwight Stop crying. Michael michael [sobbing] Thank you. Dwight dwight Ohhhhh... Michael michael Hey. Pam pam Hey. Karen karen Um, about the beach... Pam pam It's okay, we all say things without thinking. Karen karen Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird. Pam pam [confused] Oh. Okay. Karen karen Pam is... kind of a bitch. Karen karen Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit. Karen karen Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it. Jim jim So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city. Jim jim Why so you can do it? Michael michael [looks annoyed] Karen karen Whoops. Jim jim No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Michael michael Hmmm. Jim jim Heh. Karen karen Moon each other. Michael michael Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right? Jim jim All right. Michael michael All right. Jim jim Your loss. Michael michael Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving? Karen karen Cruise control. Michael michael Oh. Karen karen So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen? Kevin kevin Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now. Jim jim Pam is taller. Kevin kevin You sure? Jim jim Yes. She has bigger breasts, too. Kevin kevin Wow. Jim jim I think Karen has a prettier face. Kevin kevin Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else? Jim jim Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call. Kevin kevin Hm. Really tough call. Jim jim Yeah. Kevin kevin You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got. Jim jim Will do. Kevin kevin All right. [smiles] Jim jim Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs] Oscar oscar Wow, very funny. Pam pam I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly. Stanley stanley Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam. Kelly kelly [smiles] Pam pam You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said. Meredith meredith I remember. I blogged the whole thing. Creed creed www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out. Creed creed Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking. Ryan ryan There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks. Michael michael Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York? Kevin kevin No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me. Michael michael Maybe you should talk to her? Before... Oscar oscar No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo. Michael michael Michael... Oscar oscar What? Kevin kevin Why? Angela angela I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense. Oscar oscar Yes, I... Michael michael Wha? Who gave you that advice? Angela angela Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo... Kevin kevin I have to buy another place. Michael michael But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk] Angela angela You're not sure that you have the job. Oscar oscar I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time. Michael michael How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton? Dwight dwight No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome. Angela angela No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I'm taking his job. Dwight dwight [smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor. Angela angela [squeezing hand grips] Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Dwight dwight Oh hey, Dwight. Jim jim I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never. Dwight dwight Does my room have cable? Jim jim No. And the sheets are made of fire. Dwight dwight Can I change rooms? Jim jim Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town. Dwight dwight Can I have a late checkout? Jim jim I'll have to talk to the manager. Dwight dwight You're not the manager even in your own fantasy? Jim jim I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan! Dwight dwight Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil? Jim jim Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet. Dwight dwight Go. Jim jim Eighty thousand dollars a year. Dwight dwight Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. Dwight dwight [signing interview sheet] I will see you at the inter-view. Andy andy Yes you will. Dwight dwight Who is D. Abramson? Michael michael He's from that company in Pitts... Pam pam [walks through front door] Michael. Jan jan Why... are you here? Michael michael Uh, how are you? Jan jan I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you. Michael michael I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute? Jan jan Why privately? Michael michael I just, [quietly] I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things. Jan jan Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of. Michael michael Okay. Jan jan Okay. Michael michael Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem. Michael michael What do you want me to do? Pam pam Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen. Michael michael What about Meredith? Pam pam No. She's an alternate. Michael michael So, how you been? Michael michael Been good. Jan jan Good. Michael michael Good. Jan jan Yeah. Michael michael Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail. Jan jan Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages. Michael michael So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room. Pam pam 'Cause of Jan again? Karen karen Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow? Karen karen Uh, sure. Pam pam Thanks. Karen karen I really hope you get the job. Pam pam Thanks. [looks suspicious] Karen karen After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation. Jan jan Hmm. Michael michael To kinda clear my mind. Jan jan Sound good. Sounds fun. Michael michael It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time. Jan jan Hmm.. Michael michael I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together. Jan jan Would you excuse me for a second? Michael michael Ohh... [Michael leaves and walks into conference room] Jan jan Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together. Michael michael What are you gonna do? Phyllis phyllis I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please... Michael michael Do you want to get back together with her? Karen karen No, no. What do I do? Michael michael Just don't get back together with her. Pam pam What if she makes me? Michael michael How can she make you get back together with her? Angela angela She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do. Michael michael This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her. Pam pam I wasn't. Michael michael You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong. Pam pam You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together. Michael michael Right. Pam pam Wow. Michael michael Do it. Karen karen I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you. Michael michael [walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged] Michael michael Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out. Michael michael Oh my God. [mouths to Jim] Huge! Pam pam Yeah, bigger actually. Jim jim [whispers] That's crazy! Pam pam Mm-hm. Jim jim [mouths] Wow! Pam pam [moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that? Karen karen Unbelievable. Jim jim Wow! Karen karen She could put the cup right there. Jim jim I know! Karen karen No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time. Pam pam I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front. Meredith meredith I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers. Kevin kevin I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots. Creed creed So... [exhales] there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently. Jan jan Yeah. Michael michael I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities. Jan jan First got priorities. Michael michael And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation... Jan jan Let's get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs] Michael michael No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent. Michael michael Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name] Andrew Bernard. Dwight dwight Saving the best for first! Andy andy All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck! Karen karen No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael. Dwight dwight Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck] Oscar oscar What did I say!? Dwight dwight [to Jim] Good luck. Pam pam Thanks. Jim jim I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. [thinks] That's Popeye. Pam pam I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color? Dwight dwight White, because it contains all other colors. Andy andy Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table? Dwight dwight You make a chair, but you don't sit on it. Andy andy What is the capital of Maine? Dwight dwight The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell. Andy andy Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company. Dwight dwight Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended. Andy andy You're not off to a very good start, Bernard. Dwight dwight I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say? Andy andy I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous. Andy andy [Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Time! No, you failed. Dwight dwight Damn it! Andy andy This interview is over. I'll let you know. Dwight dwight [Driving to New York] Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview. Karen karen Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or... Jim jim Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house. Karen karen Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish? Jim jim No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me. Karen karen Oh... Jim jim 'Cause I'm going to get the job. Karen karen [holding Jan's breasts] Remarkable. Michael michael Thanks. Jan jan Wait, wait. Check one more time. Michael michael Oh, okay. Jan jan Very good [Jan nods] Michael michael Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right? Jan jan Yes, indeed. Michael michael Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye. Jan jan So, I guess we're getting back together. Michael michael What happened? Pam pam Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger. Michael michael Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery. Michael michael So we have all night. Where do you want to go first? Karen karen Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.? Jim jim How often do you come here? Karen karen Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip. Jim jim I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim. Karen karen Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck. Michael michael [Dwight clicks off tape player] Who's ready to work? Dwight dwight [Karen punches buttons on an ATM] Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels. Jim jim That wasn't him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was] Karen karen So what's going to happen to us when I get this job? Karen karen Oh do you mean when I get the job? Jim jim Well, if you get the job then I'd move here with you. Would you move with me? I'm not stupid. I was at the beach. We won't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there. Karen karen You mean Kevin? Jim jim Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there. Karen karen Yeah, I do. C'mon. [they hold hands and cross street] Jim jim [exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything? Michael michael Uh, no, we're good. Thanks. Karen karen I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me. Michael michael [points at bearded man] Who's that? Jim jim That is Beardy. Michael michael Beardy? Jim jim Mm-hmm. Michael michael I'm gonna introduce myself. Jim jim No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so... Michael michael I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep. Michael michael Michael is gone. Dwight dwight Hail to the chief! Andy andy My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two. Dwight dwight My first order of business: accept. Andy andy As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug] Dwight dwight Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael's mug] Andy andy Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire. Michael michael Uh, administrative assistant. Hunter hunter Jan in yet? Michael michael I think she's comin' in... later. Hunter hunter Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in? Michael michael Sure. Hunter hunter Just say, "I want to squeeze them." It's code. She'll know what it means. Michael michael Okay. Hunter hunter Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the "motorboat" noise] "Brbrbrbrbr!" also? Michael michael You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession. Dwight dwight Thank you. Pam pam I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight Really? Pam pam Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position. Dwight dwight You will be your own assistant. Pam pam Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills. Dwight dwight Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager, and the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager. Pam pam Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Pam pam Do you accept? Dwight dwight Absolutely, I do. Pam pam I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, "Absolutely, I do." Pam pam [knocks on door] Hello, hello! Michael michael Michael, good to see you! David Wallace david-wallace Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for. Michael michael Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager? David Wallace david-wallace Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job. Michael michael Okay. And your strengths? David Wallace david-wallace Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths. Michael michael Oh. Yes. Very good. David Wallace david-wallace Thank you. Michael michael Very good. David Wallace david-wallace Dwight is our new boss. Phyllis phyllis Oh, Michael's not going anywhere. Oscar oscar Then who do you think will get the job? Pam pam Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits. Kevin kevin I think it's gonna be Michael. Phyllis phyllis Do you really think he's qualified for that job? Oscar oscar No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one. Phyllis phyllis [laughs] Mm. Yeah. Oscar oscar Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... [holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch. Dwight dwight [raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck? Pam pam Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent. Dwight dwight So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar? Oscar oscar Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings! Dwight dwight Amen. Stanley stanley Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper. Dwight dwight [raises hand] Do we have to? Kevin kevin Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is "me." Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you! Dwight dwight I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here. Pam pam What do you think we could be doing better? David Wallace david-wallace I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, "Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!" I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, "Super Duper Paper. It's super duper." I don't know, something like that. Michael michael Okay! David Wallace david-wallace Okay. Michael michael Thanks for comin' in, Michael. David Wallace david-wallace Thank you. Michael michael It is always a treat when our paths cross. David Wallace david-wallace It is always a treat when our paths cross. So, oh! Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So... I may need to fill out one of those love documents again. Michael michael You're back together. David Wallace david-wallace Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals. Michael michael Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job. David Wallace david-wallace I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it? Michael michael No, we're letting Jan go. David Wallace david-wallace Listen up. Let's start... from the ground up. Where does paper come from? Dwight dwight [at the same time as Dwight] Trees. Kevin kevin Trees! And where do trees grow? Dwight dwight [at the same time as Dwight] Forest. Kevin kevin Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head "no"] Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state? Dwight dwight Liquid. Stanley stanley Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck. Dwight dwight I don't want it. Stanley stanley Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks! Dwight dwight Make it 100. Stanley stanley We-- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks? Dwight dwight No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again. Stanley stanley What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks? Dwight dwight The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns. Stanley stanley Okay-- Dwight dwight That's it! Andy andy What-- Dwight dwight Class is canceled, everybody out! Andy andy No wait, what are you doing?! Dwight dwight I'm punishing them. Andy andy No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled. Dwight dwight [grumbling, getting loud] Everyone everyone HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam] Pam pam What-- What are you winking for? Oscar oscar Zip your lid! Dwight dwight So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows? Karen karen Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but... David Wallace david-wallace Yeah? Karen karen ...what do you think about Michael Scott? David Wallace david-wallace He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now. Karen karen This is off the record. David Wallace david-wallace He would be disaster. Karen karen Hey you! Jan jan Hey. Michael michael How was your interview? Jan jan Pretty good. Michael michael Yeah? Jan jan Could have gone better I guess. Michael michael Oh. [they kiss] I'll put in a good word for you. Jan jan Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later. Michael michael What? Jan jan Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun. Michael michael What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there? Jan jan I can't tell you. Michael michael Tell me what? Jan jan You son of a bitch! Jan jan Jan, this isn't the time, we're in an interview-- David Wallace david-wallace You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off? Jan jan Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic. David Wallace david-wallace Erratic? Jan jan Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to-- David Wallace david-wallace [opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these? Jan jan Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan-- Michael michael No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court! Jan jan It's not. David Wallace david-wallace No? Jan jan It's not. David Wallace david-wallace 'Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about. Jan jan The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable. David Wallace david-wallace Hey! You're unstable! Michael michael Yeah! Jan jan No-- We're all unstable. Michael michael Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving. Jan jan David, I did not tell her. Michael michael It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall. Andy andy It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black. [laughs] Dwight dwight This is gonna look so awesome! Andy andy It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here! Dwight dwight [laughs] Totally! Andy andy [giving a hug] Bye Hunter. Jan jan Bye. Hunter hunter Good luck with your band. Jan jan Oh, thank-- Hunter hunter Don't let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] So long, [censored]. Jan jan So, I am gonna... give her a ride home. Let me know about the job. Michael michael Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction. David Wallace david-wallace Good, I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions. Michael michael No, we're not giving you the job. David Wallace david-wallace You know what? That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal? Michael michael I do. David Wallace david-wallace Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though. Michael michael Yes. David Wallace david-wallace Good. That's all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them... excellent candidates. Michael michael Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction. Karen karen Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though. Jim jim Don't! She's nuts! [they laugh] Karen karen Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don't have to stay, if you don't want. Jim jim Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so... Karen karen Okay. Jim jim Just call me when you're done. Karen karen Sure. Jim jim Good luck, Halpert. Karen karen Thank you. Jim jim [phone rings, picks up] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure. Receptionist receptionist Oh, God! I mean, I just don't understand! It's just so rude, you know? I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy! Jan jan I know. I know, I'm sorry about that. That was terrible. Michael michael Oh, just... No, actually I think it's good, you know? It's fine, actually, I do. I really think it's great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so... [laughs] Jan jan Well, it's... [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK. Michael michael [sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It's just... I'm sorry. It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do? Jan jan [whispers] I don't know. [normal volume] Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile. Michael michael Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really! Jan jan [in the office, imitating the terminator] I'll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack! Michael michael How'd it go? Pam pam No. No, Pam. I'm baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon. Michael michael Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. "Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in." Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black? Michael michael To intimidate my subordinates. Dwight dwight That's stupid. Michael michael It was Andy's idea. Dwight dwight You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I'm baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee. Michael michael I don't do that stuff anymore. Ryan ryan No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids. Michael michael So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones. Michael michael Did... Karen get the job? Pam pam [to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin' on that coffee. Michael michael Pam, hello. Dwight dwight Dwight, hello. Pam pam I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute] Dwight dwight No, I don't know what the future holds, but... I'm optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I... are just... too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But-- you-- that is, a, um, you know, not-- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay. Pam pam I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan. David Wallace david-wallace I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they laugh] Jim jim Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You're clearly a very bright guy. David Wallace david-wallace Thanks. Jim jim Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet-- David Wallace david-wallace I'm sorry, wait, so is the question "How'd I get to be so awesome?" [laughs] Because, I don't have an answer for you. [laughs] Jim jim Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers? David Wallace david-wallace Yes, absolutely. Jim jim And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out... David Wallace david-wallace Oh, no, absolutely. Jim jim ...that's a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he's probably the only person you're not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads "Jim, Don't forget us when you're famous! Pam" It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.] Kendall. Ugh. So, first up... David Wallace david-wallace [hands David his papers] There you go. Jim jim How do you think you function here in New York? David Wallace david-wallace [not thinking clearly because of Pam's note] What's that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there's just a [sic] energy... New York has, uh... Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So that's a... bonus. Jim jim You've been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam's note] What have you liked most about that place? David Wallace david-wallace [thinks] The friendships. Jim jim Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So... long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years? David Wallace david-wallace [flashback to Beach Games] How are your feet? Jim jim Medium rare. Thanks. [they laugh] Pam pam The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here. Jim jim I know. Pam pam And even though... I came back, I just, I feel like I've never really... come back. Jim jim Well, I wish you would. Pam pam [phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I'll transfer you. Pam pam I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him... and, if he never comes back again... that's OK. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and... But you know what? It's OK. I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally-- [Jim walks in] Pam pam Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight? Jim jim Yes. Pam pam All right. Then... it's a date. Jim jim [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I'm sorry, what was the question? Pam pam [on phone] So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great! I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here. David Wallace david-wallace [on phone, smiling] I'm excited too. Okay. Bye. Ryan ryan Who was that? Kelly kelly [still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done. Ryan ryan What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera] Kelly kelly Where do you see yourself in ten years? David Wallace david-wallace Well, [clears throat] I've actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it's the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day. Michael michael A... multivitamin? David Wallace david-wallace Well, I don't know what it's gonna be called, but... my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future... is me. Michael michael Michael, what happened? Phyllis phyllis Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that... I couldn't take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is... my home. And home is where the hardest. Michael michael Home is where the heart is. Oscar oscar Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they'd help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not! Michael michael Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset, because Dwight used to have a crush on me, so if he's boss, it'll be really awkward. Kelly kelly Mmm-hmm. [nods] Pam pam But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn't feel the same way, and then he'll be gone. Kelly kelly Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam's shoulder] Oh. Pam pam Pam, he's just not that into you. Kelly kelly Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me. Pam pam No, seriously Pam, wake up. Kelly kelly Okay. Pam pam Kelly made me realize something. She and I have... nothing in common. And I need more friends. Pam pam Define scorched earth policy. Dwight dwight When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi... Andy andy Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative? Dwight dwight It is the source of all energy on this planet. Andy andy Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens. Dwight dwight I'm a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is... my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent... [long pause] and quick on my feet. Andy andy Who was the second man on the moon? Dwight dwight Trick question. There was no second man on the moon. Andy andy Inventor of the cotton gin. Dwight dwight Eli Edison. Andy andy Talk me through an appendectomy. Dwight dwight Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn't burst and spread toxic...icity everywhere. Andy andy Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] ...the wound. Dwight dwight Re-suture. Sutures, yes. Andy andy When is the Paleolithic Age? Dwight dwight 17 B.C. Andy andy What is a scented candle? Dwight dwight How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back. Dwight dwight New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he's a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so... free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win. Michael michael