[Sighs] I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes. Jim jim I'm sure it's fine. it's a blue shirt. Pam pam Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness? Jim jim I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking. Jim jim Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever. Dwight dwight So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word "Philadelphia"? Jim jim Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning "Love," and adelph, meaning "Adolf." "the city that loves Adolf." Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle. Dwight dwight [Pam looks at Jim and nods her head in agreement] None none Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas everyone! Erin erin No. Angela angela Is It? Nellie nellie I mean, it says "X-Mas party," but I think we all know what that's code for. Erin erin So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us? Kevin kevin Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee. Angela angela Well, you are the one in charge of it. Kevin kevin Don't blame me for something we all forgot. Angela angela Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot. Oscar oscar I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points. Oscar oscar I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works. Phyllis phyllis [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party! Meredith meredith Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes? Nellie nellie Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people? Kevin kevin What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel. Dwight dwight Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement? Jim jim No. Kevin kevin No! Angela angela Done, right? Jim jim No. Angela angela No. I want Tropical Christmas. Stanley stanley Topless Christmas. Meredith meredith Tapas swiss miss. Creed creed Spanish tapas, and swiss miss hot cocoa-What's so hard to understand? Creed creed Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular. Dwight dwight We already said no. Phyllis phyllis No, no, no. Angela angela Too weird. Nellie nellie [Holds up a picture] This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style. Dwight dwight I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy? Jim jim [Blows a weak whistle] Party planning cimmittee, emgergency meeting. Now. Angela angela I'm on it. Pam pam Right. Jim jim I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses. Pete pete Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think-I think you mean John McCain. Erin erin Die hard reference. Pete pete I haven't seen it. Erin erin You haven't seen die hard? Pete pete Mm-Mmm. Erin erin Why haven't you seen die hard? Pete pete I don't know, I just haven't. Erin erin Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it. Kevin kevin No. Erin erin "now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho." Kevin kevin "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs." Pete pete None of this makes any sense to me! Erin erin Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother-" Kevin kevin Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans. Pete pete Yes, you are right. Forgive me. Kevin kevin Oh, that's okay, bud. Pete pete Nope. [Kevin walks out the door into the kitchen] Kevin kevin Common mistake. Pete pete No, it's not. Kevin kevin [Points and Pete] Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie? Erin erin My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it. Pete pete Okay, let's hear it. Erin erin Hear what? Pete pete Die hard. Every line. Go. Erin erin "You don't like flying, do you?" Pete pete Don't change the subject. Erin erin No, that's the- Pete pete Movie is starting. Erin erin [In Kitchen] We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work. Jim jim I love Philly. Dirty town. Stanley stanley [Comes up behind Jim and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders] Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man. Darryl darryl Whoo! Jim jim So you sure you remembered everything for your trip? Darryl darryl Yeah, I think so. Jim jim Think that through for a sec. Darryl darryl Yeah, Jim's going to philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right? Darryl darryl What else could you possibly be forgetting? Darryl darryl Uh- Jim jim Things? People? Darryl darryl [Jim chuckles nervously] None none You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison [Jim and Daryl walk out of the kitchen] for something he may not have done. Toby toby I'm sorry, the-Uh, the Scranton who? Nellie nellie The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago? Toby toby [Gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand. Nellie nellie [Stanley gets up and leaves] None none I-I could-I could talk about it. Toby toby [Pats Nellie on the shoulder as he's walking by her] See you next Christmas. Stanley stanley I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back. Toby toby We're the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great...I think we all know what that would mean to us. Pam pam Let's do it! Phyllis phyllis Yes! Phyllis! Pam pam No. I don't want my name attached to this party. Angela angela What does that even mean? Where would your name appear? Pam pam Please just take my name off of everything. Angela angela Just take her name off of everything. Oscar oscar [Party Planning Committee walks out of The Conference Room] None none [Clears her throat] The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas. Pam pam Yes! Yeah! [High Fives Jim] Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! [High Fives Pam] Yeah! Whoo-Hoo! Dwight dwight Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously. Pam pam Uh-huh. Dwight dwight And that is... Pam pam Uh, Oh. Dwight dwight That there are no rules. Pam pam You have never been cooler. Dwight dwight Best Christmas ever. Jim jim You're welcome. Pam pam Thank you. Jim jim [Plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun. Dwight dwight Ugh. What is this stuff, lava? Meredith meredith That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy. Dwight dwight What is it? [Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork] Don't touch it. Pam pam [Comes running up at startles Pam] Somebody's found the hog maw. Dwight dwight Oh! Pam pam What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it. Dwight dwight Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat. Stanley stanley It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib. Dwight dwight Can't wait. Jim jim Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine? Meredith meredith This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces. Dwight dwight How would anyone even know- Oscar oscar Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook? Dwight dwight I don't know. Is it what you expected? Jim jim I feel like [Pam look's out the window and camera pans out in The Office]-Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem. Pam pam So happy right now. Jim jim [Jim and Pam get up and run out into The Office] None none [Speaking German] Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. [Blows out the candle] Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump. Dwight dwight I wish my car had a bathroom. Kevin kevin "Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that-" Pete pete [On a computer, checking the script] Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete. Erin erin That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes. Pete pete I don't know. This looks pretty legit. [Erin's cell phone chimes] Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land. Erin erin [Reading the email from Andy] "What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates." Erin erin [Erin walks back to Pete and sits down at the computer] None none Hey. Everything okay? Pete pete So what comes next? Erin erin Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, [Pete stands up] "After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate-" Pete pete We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense. Erin erin Or we can just sit and talk, though. Pete pete No. No more talking. It's movie time. Erin erin I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car. Pete pete Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan. Erin erin Okay. Pete pete [To Nellie in the kitchen] Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight. Toby toby [With his mouth full] I love this hog mama. Kevin kevin Dwight said it's "Hog maw." Phyllis phyllis [Chokes and spits it out] What is maw?! Kevin kevin [Dwight walks in as Belsnickel] None none It's the lining of the stomach of- Phyllis phyllis [Cackling] Ohh...[In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I! Dwight dwight Yes, he is finally nigh. Jim jim I am nigh! Dwight dwight Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel. Dwight dwight Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! [Runs over to Stanley and points at his stomach with a stick] Ohh...Too much strudel. Dwight dwight So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse. Jim jim No, much better-No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel. Dwight dwight Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority. Jim jim And the fear. Pam pam Yes, exactly! Dwight dwight Come on, Dwight, you're making this up. Phyllis phyllis No. Dwight dwight [Reading from his phone] This is a real thing. "Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany." Oscar oscar Huh. Angela angela Wow. Pam pam Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia? Dwight dwight [Continues reading] "His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface." Oscar oscar Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No. Stanley stanley Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. [Texts warehouse worker, Nate, to forget showing up as zwarte piet] Dwight dwight [Nate starts walking towards the door, gets the text, and walks back to his car] None none [Pete and Erin watching die hard on a computer] None none Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy? Pete pete Mm. [Chuckles] Erin erin [Daryl drinking the gluhwein in his office, with some alcohol mixed in] None none [Talks drunk angry] Jim, that guy. [Scoffs] You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? [Sighs] It's awful. Darryl darryl Take a bowl and pass it down. Dwight dwight Thank you, Dwight. These are nice. Phyllis phyllis No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable. Dwight dwight Oh, it's like naughty or nice. Jim jim No, impish or admirable. Dwight dwight Quick question-Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list? Jim jim I decided earlier. Dwight dwight Oh, nice. Did you check that list? Jim jim Of course I checked it. Dwight dwight But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake. Jim jim I checked it more than once. Dwight dwight Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's- Jim jim Impish or admirable. Dwight dwight Damn. Jim jim Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. [Jim claps] There you are. Dwight dwight [Takes here gift out of her bowl] Oh. What are these? Phyllis phyllis It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars. Dwight dwight I'd rather have the bowl. Phyllis phyllis You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela, then back to Oscar]...as impish! [Smacks Oscar with a stick] Dwight dwight [Angela smiles smugly] None none Ow! You hit people with that thing? Oscar oscar No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder [puts a mouse trap in Pam's bowl] Dwight dwight Ooh. Jim jim [Holds the mouse trap up] Mouse trap. Pam pam [While Dwight is decided on others, he puts canning jars in Angela's bowl, and a twig in Stanley's, then a normal talking head] None none In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel. Dwight dwight [Kevin giggles as Dwight is poking him with a stick for being impish] None none Oh, you know what? I gotta go. Jim jim Stop giggling. Dwight dwight Oh, really? Already? Pam pam Yeah, it's all right. Jim jim It's a punishment. [Turns to Jim] Hey, where are you going? Dwight dwight I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay. Jim jim But you work tomorrow. Dwight dwight Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep. Jim jim But we were gonna break the pig rib. Dwight dwight Ooh. Jim jim Remember? Dwight dwight That's right. Jim jim No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this-off with you! Dwight dwight Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody. Jim jim Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present? Dwight dwight You know what? Yeah. Have at it. Jim jim Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! [Jim holds his hands like a bowl] I judge your year as impish. [Hits Jim with stick] Dwight dwight Ooh! Are you nuts? Jim jim [Hits Jim three more times] I judge you impish! Dwight dwight Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard. Jim jim They're not abandoning the party. [Hit's Jim again] Dwight dwight Just-Just-Hey! Jim jim [Dwight hits him again] None none [As he's walking out] That's enough, I'm done! Okay? Agh! Jim jim [Hits Jim some more] Impish! [Chases Jim out] Dwight dwight Aah! Ow! Jim jim Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too. [Leans up against the wall as Dwight comes back in] Meredith meredith [Everyone groans. And in his office, Daryl continues to drink the gluhwein] None none [In the parking lot, holding his side, walking to the taxi, Pam follows] Oh...what was that? Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work. God. [To taxi driver] One second. Oh... Jim jim Well...this is it. Pam pam I'm probably never gonna see you again. Jim jim Shut up. I'm trying to be serious. Pam pam Okay, sorry, sorry. Jim jim I can't believe this is actually happening. Pam pam Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck. Jim jim Okay. [Jim and Pam hug] Good luck. You're gonna be great. Pam pam I'll call you when I get in. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam All right. Jim jim Love you. Pam pam Love you. Jim jim [Jim gets in taxi and it drives away] None none What's going on? Pam pam Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. [To camera] And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight! [Takes off hat and beard] Dwight dwight [Everyone putting up normal Christmas decorations as Phyllis has a talking head] None none We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all thos people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero. Phyllis phyllis [Kevin dressed up as Santa, helps Angela down from hanging lights] None none Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it! Angela angela Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there. Nellie nellie Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting. Toby toby Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing. Darryl darryl [Daryl comes out of the conference room and starts dancing. Meredith joins him] None none [At Meredtith] Boo! Darryl darryl For what it's worth, I liked your party better. Pam pam Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak. Dwight dwight I don't think anyone thought that. Pam pam Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party. Dwight dwight Well, that didn't have anything to do with you. Pam pam I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten. Dwight dwight Zero. Pam pam Damn It! Dwight dwight I'm gonna tell Jim to go [Bleep] himself. Darryl darryl Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me? Erin erin Yeah. Definitely. [Erin starts to cry] Hey, what's-Oh, no, come here. [Starts to put his arm around Erin] Hey, hey. Come on, huh? Pete pete [Sliding away from Pete] I'm still Andy's girlfriend. Erin erin Oh, yeah, of course. I know. Pete pete But you can leave your arm. Erin erin [Pete puts his arm back around Erin as she slides closer to him] None none [Back at the party, Angela sits on Kevin's lap, everyone talking and enjoying the party] None none Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog? Pam pam No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt. Dwight dwight [Walks back into The Office] Yep, I did say that. Jim jim Jim! Pam pam What's going on? Where's the belsnickel? Jim jim Oh-Oh my god! Pam pam [Pam goes to hug Jim, but Dwight runs and hugs Jim first] None none What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building. Jim jim [Holds his finger to Jim's lips] Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! [High fives Jim] Dwight dwight What happened? Did you miss your bus? Pam pam No. I just missed my wife.[Gives Pam a hug and a kiss] Jim jim [Comes back in, holding up the pig rib] I found it! Dwight dwight And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m. Jim jim [All cheering and chanting as Jim and Dwight try and break the pig rib] None none Oh! [Pig rib breaks and Jim wins, and stuff splatters people. Everyone groans] Damn It! Jim got the bigger half. Dwight dwight [Jim fist bumps Kevin and holds up the pig rib. Daryl sits in his office] None none [To himself] Back for more, huh? [Gets up and walks towards Jim] Darryl darryl Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog. [Everyone talking Phyllis pours Jim some eggnog, as Daryl walks in] Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy? Jim jim You! Darryl darryl Oh, hey, man. [Daryl walks over to Jim, angrily and stares at Jim] Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview. Jim jim [Looking at Jim confused] That's great. Darryl darryl Right? Jim jim Thanks, man. Darryl darryl Hey, of course. Jim jim I shall come by at your convenience. Darryl darryl Thank you, sir. [Tips his glass to Daryl] Jim jim [Claps his hands once, spins around] Whoo! Darryl darryl Go get 'em. Jim jim [Falls backwards onto the food table] Oh! Whoa! Darryl darryl [Everyone shouts alarmidly] None none Very impish. Dwight dwight [Nellie and Toby back in the kitchen, Nellie looks bored and standing against the fridge. Toby walking around] None none Two dimes, seven nickels-Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and- Toby toby Shh. [Puts her finger to Toby's lips] Nellie nellie What? I was just explaining- Toby toby Shh. Nellie nellie Why wouldn't it- Toby toby [Put her finger to his lips again] Shh. Nellie nellie But why? Toby toby No...more...talking. Nellie nellie Are you gonna kiss me? Toby toby Yes. [Kisses Toby] Nellie nellie [Toby takes his glasses off and him and Nellie go against fridge and start to make out] None none