....back orders and you never called them. Dwight dwight Can you believe this? Oscar oscar There's a dog in the car. Erin erin You can't leave a dog in a parked car. [points to "I'd rather be snowboarding" bumper sticker] Snowboarder, it figures. Oscar oscar Do Snowboarders hate animals? Jim jim I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous. Oscar oscar Oscar, it's not that hot out. Andy andy A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven. Darryl darryl Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight. Andy andy So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag? Kelly kelly Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog. Kevin kevin OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. [Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car] Come on. Dwight dwight Dwight! At least aim it. Jim jim There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on. Dwight dwight We're losing cloud cover. Andy andy Oh don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick. Kelly kelly Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time. Darryl darryl This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window. [Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron] Oscar oscar Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Jim jim Come on buddy, get back. Oscar oscar Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! [Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers] Dwight dwight Alright! Nice job, Oscar! Jim jim And one for good measure! [Busts out taillight, group applauds] Oscar oscar So...ah, who's gonna take the dog? Jim jim Why would we take the dog? Oscar oscar What if he jumps out the window and runs away? Jim jim Jim, he's not gonna star- [Dog lunges for open window and barks] Oscar oscar Whoa! Meredith meredith Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay. Oscar oscar Nein. Sits. [snaps as dog calms] Goot. Dwight dwight Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog? Jim jim [Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window] There we go. That should do it. Oscar oscar Yeah, that's pretty good. Jim jim Yeah, that'll work. Dwight dwight That'll work. Kelly kelly Nice job. Jim jim Bye poochie! Dwight dwight Bye. [Andy barks] Kelly kelly Bye! [Kevin's horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.] Meredith meredith What's that come to? Like, what did they each win? Pam pam Oh man, it's gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars. Jim jim Awesome. Pam pam Before taxes. Dwight dwight That's still a lot of money! Phyllis phyllis The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things. Andy andy [On phone] Hello?....Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?....Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-...what?...Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won....Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-...What?....Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops. Darryl darryl When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won ... playing my birthday. Darryl darryl What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right? Oscar oscar Yeah. Phyllis phyllis We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing. Meredith meredith At least. Oscar oscar I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money. Jim jim I know what you'd do with all that money. [imitating Jim] "Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug." Dwight dwight No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop. Jim jim And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids? Pam pam Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine? Jim jim I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo... Pam pam SoHo's mostly lofts but OK. Ryan ryan And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting... Pam pam Oh, god. Kelly kelly And then my handsome husband... Pam pam Which ideally would be me.... Jim jim Would bring me a flavored coffee. Pam pam Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy? Jim jim Well in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters. Pam pam I don't know about Stephen King, I mean... Jim jim [under her breath] get a divorce...get a divorce... Meredith meredith I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year....I mean obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean I'm getting paid a dollar a year, OK? You can chill. Kelly kelly Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. [lowers voice] To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. [normal voice] Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys? Andy andy I don't know. Darryl darryl What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what? Andy andy No. Darryl darryl Are they on their way over? Andy andy I haven't hired anyone. Darryl darryl What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it. Phyllis phyllis I'm not checkin' email till lunch. Four hour work week. Darryl darryl This is kinda time sensitive. Andy andy I got it. I'm doin' it. Darryl darryl Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client. Phyllis phyllis Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in? [Erin raises hand] Andy andy As long as you guys don't need me up here. Erin erin No..we don't Phyllis phyllis I think we'll be fine. [group murmurs in agreement] Dwight dwight Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead? Oscar oscar Are you volunteering? Andy andy Of course. I would. But my hip....I would kill to be at a hundred percent. [Angela rolls eyes] Oscar oscar Jim! How 'bout you? Andy andy Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you... Jim jim Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. [grunts] False. Andy, I will volunteer. Dwight dwight Great. And Kevin. Andy andy Good old Kevin. He'll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job. Kevin kevin Oh, thank you. Pam pam Sure. Angela angela Wait, wait. What's this? [holds up clipboard] Pam pam Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool. Angela angela It says "Lotto Pool", right on top. [points to obvious title] Pam pam Yeah. And I said sorry. Angela angela Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby? Pam pam When did I get so fat? Darryl darryl You look awesome. Andy andy I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here. Darryl darryl Where are we in the process? Andy andy I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process. Darryl darryl Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night? Andy andy The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Darryl darryl You do have a fantastic basement. Andy andy I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point. Darryl darryl Right. Um, well how 'bout we take a look at some applications? ...This guy wrote his in green ink, that's pretty cool. Check it out. [attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it]Hey! There ya go...there he is. Andy andy That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl. Andy andy OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. That's seventy-five boxes per person, so that's not so bad. Jim jim Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it! [climbs into forklift] Dwight dwight Nice. [Dwight runs forklift into wall of warehouse] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh! Jim jim Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins lifting boxes by hand.] Kevin kevin Yup. Dwight dwight Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.[no one laughs] What? No Newhart fans? OK...Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off? Andy andy You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery? Darryl darryl Your old crew won the lottery? Female Applicant female-applicant Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system? Andy andy Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit? Male Applicant #1 male-applicant Oh yeah. Darryl darryl Well- Andy andy One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. [Andy laughs awkwardly] Darryl darryl Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you're all doing great. [group begins leaving] maybe grab a coffee..or if there's any donuts out you can split one. You know they're for everybody so people get fussy....You know what? Just have a donut. [shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.] Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing? Andy andy I don't Darryl darryl You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so... Andy andy Nope. I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers. Darryl darryl Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about. Andy andy OK. Darryl darryl We need you, OK? Andy andy OK. Darryl darryl OK? Andy andy Yeah. Darryl darryl Alright. Andy andy [Grunts while lifting box into truck] What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband. [Erin grunts loudly and tosses box toward truck but misses] Dwight dwight I didn't feel anything. Erin erin Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor. Andy andy Why do you wanna work here? Darryl darryl I need a job. Male Applicant #1 male-applicant That's not a good reason. Darryl darryl Good. Keepin' 'em honest. Andy andy Don't just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you're still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change. Darryl darryl Are we scaring them straight....? Andy andy I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one. Darryl darryl I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything? Darryl darryl Nice. Right back where I like you. [Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin] Can you make ten copies of this for me? Ryan ryan No. Pam pam Why not? What are you doing? Ryan ryan Uh, buying lottery tickets online. [Ryan laughs] Pam pam Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it. Ryan ryan You came in at 10:30 today, right? Pam pam OK, (we'll just dismiss it.)?????? Ryan ryan Is everyone licensed? Andy andy Like a driver's license? Male Applicant #2 male-applicant No. Warehouse license....Masters in warehouse sciences?...I, I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind. Andy andy Is this a joke? Female Applicant female-applicant No. Not joking. This is real....painfully real, what is happening right now. Andy andy [On all fours with a box on his back] OK, I'm not gonna make it. I'm turning back. Kevin kevin There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids. Jim jim Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday. Dwight dwight Yeah [laughs and then notices camera] Not that they're not smart people. Jim jim [Noticing camera] No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence. Dwight dwight I'd go with that. Jim jim Like baboons or elephants. Dwight dwight Not that, don't... Jim jim Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh. Kevin kevin It's a great idea Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just- Jim jim Yeah we move stuff and it was fun. Kevin kevin Kevin! Doesn't apply. Dwight dwight Right. My mom- Kevin kevin [grabbing Kevin's arm] You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! [Kevin tears up] Erin erin Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? [raises hand and laughs] You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um... Andy andy How much longer is this gonna take? Male Applicant #1 male-applicant Did you hire 'em? Darryl darryl No. Because they all left. Andy andy What do you mean "they left"? Darryl darryl I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn't help. Andy andy Then I think you should fire me. Darryl darryl What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you. Andy andy Yeah. Just put me out of my misery. Darryl darryl .....OK, this is weird. I don't, I don't get the joke. Andy andy No? OK. I don't wanna be here anymore. Fire me. Darryl darryl So Darryl says to me "fire me". But what he really means is "I'm gonna say something really weird, try and figure out what it means." So I say "No, you're not fired." But what I really mean is "I have no idea what your talking about, but I'm gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better."........I really hope that's what he and I mean. Andy andy Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy. Andy andy Bulk or definition? Oscar oscar Definition. Andy andy Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness. Oscar oscar Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong? Andy andy Oh, he's plenty strong. Oscar oscar It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell. Oscar oscar So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings.... Pam pam Our fake winnings Jim jim And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France. Pam pam It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it's Maine and you love it. Jim jim Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy. Pam pam Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. [Pam sighs] Jim jim Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again? Dwight dwight A...hot chocolate tea Jim jim Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce? Andy andy North America...and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That's the headline version. Gideon gideon Great....Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse. Andy andy FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule. Gideon gideon Eh, cool. We'll figure that out. Andy andy Also, FYI, ah, I don't techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing. Nate nate Got it. Dually noted. You! [points to Bruce] Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that? Andy andy Made it. Bruce bruce So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to. Andy andy Message in a Bottle, The Postman... Dwight dwight Kevin Costner. Jim jim Kevin Costner. Dwight dwight Yeah. [Shot shows Kevin and Erin greasing floor of warehouse] Jim jim So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea. Kevin kevin You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it! Erin erin So, it's not the dumbest idea. Jim jim It's not the greatest one either... Dwight dwight But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes. Jim jim And it's clear we're not going to carry them. [Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor] Dwight dwight So sadly, it's the best idea on the table. Jim jim Exactly. Dwight dwight I think we're ready to give thi- [Kevin slips on grease and falls] Jim? Kevin kevin Is he OK? Jim jim Yep. He'll be fine. Dwight dwight Surprise! Your new crew. Andy andy Would you just fire me, man? Darryl darryl Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy? Andy andy You wanna make me happy? Huh? Darryl darryl Yeah. Andy andy Give me your job. Darryl darryl Haha, what? Andy andy I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me. Darryl darryl I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that. Andy andy Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises... Nate nate Nate! Please....thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D'Angelo, what happened to that? Andy andy He died. Darryl darryl He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it? Andy andy What wa-, what was the last...I'm havin' a- Nate nate None, no part of this has anything to do with you. Andy andy I didn't have time because of my daughter. Darryl darryl Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class. Andy andy Hey I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face. Darryl darryl Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause] Andy andy OK. Darryl darryl OK what? Andy andy OK, don't fire me. Darryl darryl Ah, OK. Andy andy My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do. Darryl darryl I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it's gonna be mostly my bunch. Darryl darryl Yeah. [laughs] That makes sense. OK. Good, alright. Andy andy Here... Kevin kevin What is goin' on?! [shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes] Andy andy Oh hey guys. Kevin kevin Why is the forklift in the wall? Darryl darryl Why is the truck empty? Andy andy Uh, it's not totally empty. Dwight dwight Is that grease on my floor? Darryl darryl OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this. Dwight dwight And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease? Darryl darryl OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them. Kevin kevin OK, alright, that's...look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things. Jim jim And? Darryl darryl And we did. Erin erin I don't know. Dwight dwight Jim? Tell them what it's called. Erin erin That's alright. Jim jim No Jim, tell 'em what a name is. Kevin kevin Doesn't matter what the name is. Seņor Loadenstein, that's stupid. Jim jim [laughing] Seņor Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim. Kevin kevin That's OK, we're good. Jim jim Jim... Erin erin No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Seņor Loadenstein. Andy andy Porque es muy rapido. Jim jim OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away. Dwight dwight Let me see it. Darryl darryl It's uh, it's in beta testing. Dwight dwight Let me see it! Darryl darryl Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping. Dwight dwight Uno! Dos! Tres! [Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts] {Dwight}, {Erin}, {Jim} & {Kevin} dwight erin jim kevin Yeah, I lost my client. Phyllis phyllis I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport. Creed creed I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum bum buh. [whispers] Flenderson files. Toby toby We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain. Pam pam Right. It's city and country combined. Jim jim Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world. Pam pam And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want. Jim jim Just like now. Pam pam [laughs] Just like now....too bad the schools are terrible. Jim jim Oh.. Pam pam But what are you gonna do about that? Jim jim What are you gonna do? Pam pam If I won the lottery, I don't know. I don't think I'd make any changes to my life. Quit my job, move, meet someone.... Toby toby I'd give 35% to AIDS related charities. 25%. If they can't cure AIDS with 25%, the extra ten's not gonna make a difference. At some point, you're just throwing good money after bad. Ryan ryan The first thing I'd buy is new boobs. For my mom. She has the worst boobs. It- It's embarrassing. Phyllis phyllis Ok, ok. We are so close. All we have to do is figure out that corner and we're basically there. Jim jim I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right? Dwight dwight Egons. Kevin kevin So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield- Dwight dwight Ok, Dwight! Come on. Here, I think I have an idea. Jim jim I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I? Dwight dwight No. Kevin kevin Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er... Dwight dwight Dammit Dwight! Jim jim However it's normally done. Kevin kevin Ok, I have a question. Why is the truck so far away? Jim jim Yeah Jim, why's it so far? Kevin kevin Why's it so far away? Erin erin Ok, I just asked that ques-, I don't know. I mean it seems like the door is huge, right? So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper. Jim jim Yeah, why is it so far away Jim? Dwight dwight So this warehouse has been around for what? Like a thousand years? And they never thought to back the truck up into it? I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes. Alright! [knocks on side of truck] Jim jim Back... Kevin kevin Yeah. Erin erin That looks good. Back. Whoa whoa whoa! Kevin kevin Whoa whoa whoa! Jim jim You're doing great! A little farther away from the wall! Erin erin No no no! Kevin kevin Good... Erin erin No! Stop! Stop stop stop stop! You're way over! Ok, you gotta cut it! Cut it hard! (bleep!) Stop stop stop stop! Stop, stop! Dammit Dwight. Great. Jim jim Come on! Dwight dwight Good. Jim jim