Hey, sport. Michael michael I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael's shoulder] Dwight dwight Ow! God! Michael michael Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love! Dwight dwight I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay. Darryl darryl Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly. Andy andy No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam. Michael michael Yeah, we'd never do that. Jim jim Yeah, so there you go. Michael michael [enters Michael's office] Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress. Kelly kelly Oh, wow, so quickly. Michael michael Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white. Kelly kelly Michael, did you tell your mom yet? Kevin kevin Nope. Nope. Not yet. Michael michael You wouldn't tell your mom? Jim jim You love your mom. Kevin kevin Call your mom, Michael. [everyone talking] Kelly kelly I'll call her later. Michael michael [chanting and clapping] Call her! Call her! Group group I don't want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out! Michael michael [punches button] Speakerphone! Andy andy That's -- thanks. Michael michael [on speakerphone] Hello? Mother mother Mom, I'm getting married. Michael michael No, you're not. Mother mother Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me. Michael michael Well, are you getting married? Mother mother No. [laughs] Michael michael Are you- [Michael ends call] Mother mother I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... [laughs] Psych. Michael michael So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100. Kelly kelly And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys? Michael michael Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and -- oh. Oh, it's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael] Kelly kelly I'll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks. Michael michael Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. "Schindler's List" parody. ... That's not appropriate, no. Michael michael Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn't know it from looking at her, but Pam's a gold-digger. Jim jim [on Bluetooth speaker] Hey, New York ain't free. Get back to work. Pam pam Aww. Jim jim It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something. Pam pam [on Bluetooth] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody. Jim jim We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone. Pam pam Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee? Alex alex Sprinkle of cinnamon. {Jim} and {Pam} jim pam I should go. Pam pam Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did. Michael michael Bring it on. [starts to put foot up on Michael's desk] Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Sorry. Dwight dwight Wow. Michael michael What does it say? Dwight dwight Dwight, your feedback is horrible. Michael michael That's impossible. Dwight dwight A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful. Michael michael I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file] Dwight dwight No, no, no, no, no. Michael michael Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes. Dwight dwight Do I look like I am joking? Michael michael No, but that's sometimes part of it. Dwight dwight If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing? Michael michael Impossible to say. I can't see myself. Dwight dwight You're not. Michael michael Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet? Andy andy Nope. Jim jim I got mine. They were really good. Andy andy [listening in New York] I miss him. Pam pam You must be really proud. Jim jim Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That's my mug. Andy andy Oh, sorry. It was just -- it was right here. Jim jim Right, well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one. Andy andy OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here and you could use [finds a mug] uh, oh -- Snoopy. Jim jim Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine. Pam pam [smiles] It is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back. Andy andy How can you even be sure? Jim jim It has my face on it. Andy andy [holds mug next to Andy's head] Make the face. [Andy smiles] Yeah, I don't see it. Jim jim Dude, that is my face! Andy andy [Dwight slams something on desk] What was that? Pam pam Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something. Jim jim Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon? Pam pam It is... more of a spicy brown, actually. Jim jim What are you mumbling about? Dwight dwight How was your meeting with Michael? Jim jim None of your business. Dwight dwight Was it your scores? Jim jim Those can't be my scores, Jim. For your information -- Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Jim jim I'm being sabotaged. Dwight dwight Of course. Jim jim And I'm going to find that person and punish them. Dwight dwight Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers. Jim jim You're an idiot. Dwight dwight There's the charm. Jim jim Jimbo, let's do this thang. Michael michael That is me. Wish me luck. Jim jim No way. Dwight dwight [whispers on bluetooth] Good luck. Pam pam Thanks. Jim jim I didn't say anything Dwight dwight I love you. Pam pam I love you, too. Jim jim What do you think I am saying to you?! Dwight dwight I'm not talking to you. Jim jim I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser. Dwight dwight [on phone] Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. It's really gorgeous. You guys do great work. Andy andy I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him. [shakes fist] I got him! Andy andy [on phone] Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray? And a top that's gray too? Fabulous. Andy andy Oh, come on. Michael michael What? Jim jim You too? Michael michael Did my scores drop a little? Jim jim Jim, they are a poopy. [Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth] Michael michael [touches ear] Jim? Jim? Pam pam Are we even sure that's my file? Jim jim No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It -- Michael michael Well, there's got to be an explanation. Jim jim I agree. Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim So let's see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant. Michael michael I think you mean smug Jim jim [points at Jim] Arrogance. Michael michael Michael, I'm just trying to -- Jim jim And there's our smudgeness. Michael michael I need a decent bonus, because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford. Pam doesn't know about the house, so it's... a fun surprise. [taps Bluetooth earpiece] Pam, sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year. Jim jim Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist. Pam pam A little bit. ... Worth it. Jim jim Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called? Michael michael Microgement. Jim jim Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go. Michael michael All right, fine. [picks up phone] Brrring. Dwight dwight [picks up phone] Hello? Jim jim Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. Dwight dwight Wow, that's great, because I need paper. Jim jim Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything. Dwight dwight Wow, this is my lucky day. Jim jim [whispers] Ask him his name. Michael michael What is your name, sir? Dwight dwight I am Bill Buttlicker. Jim jim Really, that's your real name? Dwight dwight How dare you? My family built this country, by the way. Jim jim Be respectful, Dwight. Michael michael Yes, Michael. Dwight dwight Would you hold on one second? That's my other line. Jim jim What? No, but I -- Dwight dwight Hello? [laughs] No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. [punches button on phone] Jim jim It's up to you to change his mind. Michael michael Sorry. That was a family emergency. Jim jim Oh, no. What's wrong? Dwight dwight You know what? That's private. Jim jim Boundaries, Dwight. Come on! Michael michael Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we're having a limited- Dwight dwight Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing. Jim jim He's hard of -- he's an old man. Let's go. Michael michael OK, as I was saying, right now we are having -- Dwight dwight You're gonna have to talk louder. Jim jim OK, our prices have never been lower. Dwight dwight Son, you have to talk louder. Jim jim ...never been lower! Dwight dwight Louder, son! Jim jim [shouting] Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower! Dwight dwight Stop it! Stop it! Michael michael He -- Dwight dwight That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client. Michael michael Now, you listen to me, sir. Jim jim Here we go. Michael michael The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult. Jim jim Give me the phone. Michael michael Please, Mr. Buttlicker -- Dwight dwight I'm irate right now. Jim jim Give me the phone. Michael michael Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker. Dwight dwight Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Michael michael I have to put you on with my boss. Dwight dwight Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this? Jim jim Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager. Michael michael Well, this is William M. Buttlicker. Jim jim Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you? Michael michael Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today. Jim jim [shakes fist, whispers] Yeah! Dwight dwight [covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it's done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did? Michael michael You are the master. Dwight dwight There is one condition, Michael. Jim jim Yes. Michael michael You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly. Jim jim Don't do it, Michael. Dwight dwight ... [whispers] It's a million-dollar sale. Michael michael So it's called the Shangri-La Tent. It's two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple, really tasteful. Andy andy I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo Angela angela Hobos live in trains. Andy andy Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long. Angela angela Well, Nana Mim -- Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now. Andy andy OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field Angela angela Done and done-er. Andy andy There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over. Angela angela Do you have a specific place in mind? Andy andy No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable. Angela angela On it! Andy andy Dwight. Dwight. [Dwight's car comes screeching into view] Jim jim Get in! Dwight dwight Are you serious? Jim jim Get in! [he peels off into parking space] Dwight dwight OK, what are you -- Jim jim Shh. [turns radio up loud, playing "Centerfold."] They might be listening to us. Dwight dwight What's that? Jim jim They might be listening to us Dwight dwight Who's they? Jim jim Customer service might be monitoring this conversation. Dwight dwight In this car? Jim jim You never know. Better safe than sorry. Dwight dwight [turns radio down] What are you thinking? Jim jim Who stands to benefit from our downfall? Dwight dwight The mob, maybe NASA. Jim jim Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that. Dwight dwight Is there some evidence? Jim jim [on Bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online. Pam pam How many shoes do you need? Jim jim I don't know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need? Dwight dwight I'm not talking to you. Jim jim Who are you talking to? Dwight dwight Pam. Jim jim She's not here, Jim. Dwight dwight No, she's not. Jim jim [in New York, humming to herself to the tune of "Centerfold"] Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na. Pam pam [at computer, spins chair around and makes triumphant gesture] Yes! Andy andy I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms. Andy andy [on phone] So I'd like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um -- Customer customer Wait, shut up. Dwight dwight I'm sorry? Customer customer Shh. Do you hear that? Dwight dwight Hear what? Customer customer Breathing. Is that you? Dwight dwight Well, I am breathing, yes. Customer customer Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. [puts down phone and runs away] Dwight dwight I need paper. Customer customer [jumps into Kelly's area] Ha! [Kelly screams in surprise] Dwight dwight Oh, my God. You scared me. Kelly kelly Hear anything interesting? Dwight dwight What are you talking about? Kelly kelly [laughs] I think you know. Dwight dwight You always say that, and I almost never know. Kelly kelly What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you? Dwight dwight Are you accusing me of something? Kelly kelly Of course I am. I know you're the mastermind, but you're too stupid to do it by yourself. Dwight dwight [behind Dwight]: Jim jim [enters breakroom] Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way. Jim jim Yeah, he's weird. Kelly kelly Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but... Jim jim OK. Kelly kelly Hey, how are you and Darryl? Jim jim Um, we're cool. [gets up to leave] Bye. Kelly kelly Bye. Jim jim [on Bluetooth] That was weird. Pam pam What was? Jim jim Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath? Pam pam No, actually. Jim jim Did you do something to her? Pam pam I don't think so. Jim jim Well, something's off. Pam pam Hey, how's things? Jim jim All right. Ryan ryan Yeah? Jim jim Living in the moment. Ryan ryan Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me? Jim jim I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. [takes sip of coffee] Can I tell you what else I learned? Ryan ryan Wait, that's pretty weird. Jim jim What? Ryan ryan Well, Andy has a mug just like that. Jim jim Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one. Ryan ryan No. What party? Jim jim Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. [Jim makes face] That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there. Ryan ryan I wasn't. But thank you. [to Pam] Do you know anything about this party? Jim jim Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead. Pam pam Well, I can't be the only one who didn't -- [sees mugs on Angela's and Meredith's desks] Jim jim [walks quickly to break room, opens cabinet and finds mugs of Oscar, Creed and Phyllis] Jim jim Dwight, let me see your coffee cup. Jim jim No. [holds Sheriff's Department mug protectively] Dwight dwight Is that it? Jim jim No. Why? No. [puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut] Dwight dwight OK, I'm gonna assume that was it. Here's the thing: Jim jim [in New York] Right Dwight is loud. Pam pam I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! [kicks near Phyllis' head; she ducks] Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her. Dwight dwight No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let's talk about this. Jim jim What's going on? Kelly kelly Why don't you tell us? Michael michael Nothing's going on. Kelly kelly Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit. Dwight dwight Dwight. [to Kelly] I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate. Michael michael What? I -- I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this. Kelly kelly Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake. Dwight dwight We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks. Jim jim What's going on? Michael michael I love your tie, Michael. Kelly kelly [looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly. Michael michael I was raped. Kelly kelly You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened. Michael michael OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends. Kelly kelly We have our confession. I'm calling security. [reaches for phone] Dwight dwight Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people. Michael michael See? I wasn't lying. Kelly kelly You were lying. Michael michael I was lying. Kelly kelly Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us. Michael michael I want to be here when you fire her ass. Dwight dwight I will call you when it is time. [Jim and Dwight leave] Michael michael I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry? Michael michael No problem. Kelly kelly I think you should do that. [Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh] Michael michael Pam Beesley? Alex alex Hey, what are you doing here? Pam pam Who's that? Jim jim It's Alex. Pam pam It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go. Alex alex Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close? Jim jim Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work. Pam pam Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it? Alex alex OK. Pam pam That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear. Jim jim [in private office] Um. Alex alex What's up? Pam pam I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton. Alex alex Wow. Pam pam I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you. Jim jim Why did you come to New York in the first place? Alex alex Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too. Pam pam Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you -- really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has -- all the opportunity is here. All the -- the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it. Alex alex Jim's in Scranton. Pam pam I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow. Alex alex I'll see you tomorrow. Pam pam OK. [Pam and Jim look worried] Alex alex Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth? [reaches toward Jim's ear] May I? Dwight dwight Don't. Jim jim Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding. Dwight dwight We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers. Andy andy Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials? [opens album] Dwight dwight Oh. Hmm. Andy andy [looking at Angela] While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. [Angela smiles] I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. [Andy moves his head into Dwight's view] Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night. Dwight dwight That's very generous. Andy andy While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands. Dwight dwight Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! [shakes Dwight's hand] Andy andy OK. Dwight dwight Um, what are we talking price wise? Andy andy You already said deal. Dwight dwight Pay him whatever he wants. Angela angela Can't argue with that. Dwight ... [takes Angela's hand] You are going to make us so happy. [Dwight and Angela grin at each other] Andy andy Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted? Meredith meredith How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger. Michael michael Ooooh. {Kevin} & {Andy} kevin andy And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich. Michael michael Perfect. Jim jim The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming "Opa!" Which means "congratulations," so... Michael michael Oh, man! Andy andy [in Jim's ear] Ask how he's doing since the breakup. Pam pam So, how you holdin' up? Jim jim I'm pretty much devastated. Michael michael Ask if there's anything you can do. Pam pam You know what you should do? Take a vacation. Jim jim Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself. Michael michael Tell him you'd like to go with him. Pam pam We should take a look at those surveys. Jim jim Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: Michael michael Great marks, Phyllis. [Phyllis walks out of Michael's office smiling] Michael michael [to Stanley] Hey, I did good too! Phyllis phyllis I knew it. Haha! [they high five] Stanley stanley [hand up, seeking a high five] Up! Don't leave me hangin'! [they do] Andy andy What do I do with my bonus check? [scoffs] Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs. Dwight dwight I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them. Michael michael Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute... Michael michael [raises hand] Here. Dwight dwight Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all. Michael michael I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! [Andy gestures excitedly, knocking over his coffee mug] Ow! Dammit! Andy andy Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I'm just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It's just... different styles. Jim jim My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? [sighs heavily, nearly starts to cry] Excuse me, I've got work to do. Dwight dwight [laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis] Stanley stanley [laughing] It's good! Phyllis phyllis Hey, what are you laughing at? Dwight dwight [continue to laugh] {Stanley} & {Phyllis} stanley phyllis Are you laughing at me? Dwight dwight We're laughing at this cartoon! [passes newspaper to Dwight] Phyllis phyllis Perfect, isn't it? Stanley stanley [looks at cartoon] How is that funny? What are you really laughing at? Huh? Dwight dwight Haven't you been following the news? Ther university is using its non-profit status to fund its private real estate investments. Phyllis phyllis [laughing louder] And he really nailed them on it. Somebody's finally holding them accountable! Stanley stanley [looking at cartoon] There's no way you're laughing at this. Dwight dwight [peering nervously through conference room window] Oh, I don't have anything to say. I'm just hiding from Dwight. Jim jim [is seen taking apart his phone receiver to check for listening devices] Dwight dwight It's good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three gunmen. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! [pretends to kiss, then shoot imaginary person to his left] Then I shoot myself, so I don't change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, [contorts head sideways] I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year. Dwight dwight So, as it turns out, Dwight is right. How bizarre. Jim jim [in Jim's ear] I wonder what else Dwight's been right about.... Pam pam Major pharmaceuticals do not want you to know that beet juice has medicinal value both as an aphrodisiac and a laxative. Dwight dwight The Scranton Zoning Board has a strong bias against beet farmers. The mayor is in the pocket of Big Lettuce. Dwight dwight Battlestar Galactica isn't a documentary exactly. Dwight dwight The book All The President's Men is about a conspiracy, just not the one people think. Dwight dwight Jesus had a daughter, and she was the Mona Lisa. Dwight dwight What we have come to know as fake crab meat is in fact real crab meat, and real crab meat is lobster. Dwight dwight