To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops. Kevin kevin I think they're going to the conference finals. Jim jim No. Kevin kevin Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip] Jim jim I bit my lip at lunch today. Jim jim Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough. Darryl darryl Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip] Kevin kevin Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it. Jim jim The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible. Kevin kevin Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table] Jim jim Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home! Jim jim Good morning, Meredith. Erin erin What? Pam pam Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes. Erin erin Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family. Pam pam I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos. Jim jim [talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok? Jim jim Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting? Pam pam Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right? Jim jim Jim, limo's here. Worker worker Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting. Jim jim Oh, call me later! Pam pam Ok Jim jim Good luck! Pam pam Thanks! Jim jim Love you. Pam pam Love you too. Bye. Jim jim How you doing? Val val Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so... Darryl darryl It's how it has to be. Val val I know, I know. It's just hard. Darryl darryl Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight. Darryl darryl I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it. Darryl darryl Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back] Val val Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today. Pam pam Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you. Meredith meredith He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please? Pam pam Yes. Meredith meredith I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens. Pam pam Hurry up already. Meredith meredith [checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times. Erin erin Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice! Erin erin Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower? Angela angela What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine. Dwight dwight Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly. Pam pam Just lice Pam? Dwight dwight Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7. Dwight dwight Make way, nope, inspect me. Dwight dwight Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear. Erin erin Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant] Dwight dwight Stop that! Pam pam Dwight! Angela angela Next! Erin erin [getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies. Angela angela Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault. Pam pam Pam, really? Come on. Oscar oscar Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen. Meredith meredith Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice. Erin erin Ew! Oh. Angela angela [checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice! Erin erin [checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice. Erin erin No! How? I'm so clean! Pam pam [checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice. Erin erin I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith. Oscar oscar What are you wearing? Phyllis phyllis It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits? Dwight dwight No. Nellie nellie No. Kevin kevin Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch. Dwight dwight Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up. Darryl darryl You got dumped? Phyllis phyllis Yeah, she ended things. Darryl darryl Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink. Nellie nellie Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me. Kevin kevin Thanks, man. Darryl darryl Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek] Kevin kevin Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her. Pam pam Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame. Angela angela That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day. Stanley stanley No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back] Erin erin Get off me! Stanley stanley I'm trying to save you from yourself! Erin erin Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls. Stanley stanley Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me. Pam pam Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary? Jim jim Yeah, take some home if you want. Limo Driver limo-driver Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center? Jim jim No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court. Limo Driver limo-driver You gotta be kidding me. Jim jim Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something. Pam pam [shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want? Meredith meredith Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!? Pam pam Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice. Meredith meredith Oh stop! I am so sorry! Pam pam Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying? Meredith meredith Nothing. Pam pam I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this. Pam pam Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed! Dwight dwight No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats... Erin erin To be burned! Dwight dwight To be washed. Erin erin What do we do about our heads? Angela angela I'm not gonna lie. Lye! Dwight dwight No, all we need is mayonnaise. Erin erin Excuse me? Angela angela She's right, it works. I would imagine. Pam pam Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos. Erin erin I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce. Oscar oscar [walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!? Meredith meredith Oh. Angela angela Wow. Oscar oscar Take a picture. It will last longer. Meredith meredith We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible. Angela angela Bald people make me sick. Creed creed Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss. Meredith meredith Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now. Erin erin Oh! Uh, uh I'll go. Pam pam Okay. Oh, thank you. Angela angela You're a saint, Pam. Oscar oscar No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans? Pam pam Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools. Meredith meredith Okay. Pam pam Let's talk pubes, people. Dwight dwight Hey, Darryl. Val val Oh, hey Val. Darryl darryl Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other. Nellie nellie Yeah. Darryl darryl What's gonna make you feel better, big guy? Phyllis phyllis When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head. Darryl darryl Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this. Nellie nellie I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake. Kevin kevin Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake. Phyllis phyllis Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most. Nellie nellie An Escalade. Kevin kevin Or what's her name. Nellie nellie Val. Phyllis phyllis Let's get Darryl Val. Nellie nellie I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk. Julius Irving julius-irving Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this. Jim jim Well, do you think you can sink one from deep? Julius julius Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball. Jim jim Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game. Julius julius Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this? Jim jim It's your wife? You better take it. Julius julius Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok? Jim jim Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went. Pam pam It's still happening right now actually, so uh... Jim jim He's really making you work for it, huh? Pam pam Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay? Jim jim Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go. Pam pam Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that. Jim jim No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think? Julius julius I love it. Jim jim [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away. Erin erin Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors] Dwight dwight Put those away before you hurt yourself. Stanley stanley [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No! Dwight dwight Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up. Erin erin Oscar, do you want to be my partner? Angela angela Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to.. Oscar oscar Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay? Creed creed Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete? Erin erin Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man. Pete pete Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy? Pam pam Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo. Creed creed [Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela. Oscar oscar You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up? Angela angela [putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more. Meredith meredith [putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn. Pam pam I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy. Creed creed Well, wait. Pam pam [putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that? Pete pete I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower! Erin erin Can I help you? Val val Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, that's true. Val val We think you made a big, big mistake. Phyllis phyllis Big mistake. Kevin kevin Quite enormous. Nellie nellie He's a real catch and you should take him back. Phyllis phyllis Ok, thank you. Is that all? Val val No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you? Nellie nellie Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? Val val So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back? Kevin kevin No. Val val Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever. Kevin kevin Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out. Val val [phone rings] Hello? Pam pam [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice. Helene helene What, no. That can't...I don't... Pam pam Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone] Helene helene Oh my God. Angela angela Shave her head. Shave her head! Meredith meredith [everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that... Pam pam Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall. Meredith meredith [talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam. Dwight dwight Is there a volume knob on that thing? Pam pam Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing. Dwight dwight Meredith, I am so sorry. Pam pam Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster. Angela angela I meant to say something earlier. I just... Pam pam Just? Just what? Just forgot? Meredith meredith Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam. Meredith meredith Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office] Dwight dwight Dwight, are you okay!? Erin erin Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses] Dwight dwight Wow. He got to purple. Erin erin [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow! Oscar oscar Sorry. Angela angela You're waterboarding me! Oscar oscar Oops. Angela angela [shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay. Kevin kevin You're up. Erin erin Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go. Pete pete You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out. Erin erin Okay. Pete pete Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold? Erin erin No, it actually feels kinda nice. Pete pete I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises] Kevin kevin Okay. Val val Huh? Darryl darryl Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work. Val val Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. Darryl darryl You're not. I believe in us. Val val But... [Val kisses Darryl] Darryl darryl I'm back together with Val. Yay... Darryl darryl I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off] Dwight dwight Hey, did Erin already take off? Pete pete I guess so. Oscar oscar Okay. Pete pete You're Kareem, coming to help. Julius julius Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud. Jim jim And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing] Julius julius And that's all? Jim jim That's it. Julius julius No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done. Jim jim Yeah, you show me how. Julius julius [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message. Jim jim Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you. Pam pam Hey, what you doing right now? Meredith meredith I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day. Pam pam Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer. Meredith meredith Really? A beer sounds incredible right now. Pam pam No duh. Let's go. You're buying. Meredith meredith Meredith, I am so sorry about today. Pam pam Forget about it. Meredith meredith I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it. Pam pam Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over. Meredith meredith Get it, girl! Pam pam [Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there. Pam pam [starts singing] I come... Meredith meredith Not yet. Pam pam [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun. Both both