We could get Deangelo flowers. Pam pam No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up. Dwight dwight That's true. Phyllis phyllis All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and balloons? [all but Dwight raise their hands] Jim jim Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse? [Dwight raises his hand] Dwight dwight Nope. Baskets have it. Jim jim So as it turns out, unless you're a young child or a prison inmate, you don't need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that - people like us allowed to sell paper. Unsupervised. [Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, and Oscar are working while Andy and Ryan play on a foosball table] And yet, somehow it works. It must be because the stakes are so high. Jim jim [on phone] Well, I really appreciate the offer, but I'm just happy the way things are. Okay. Thank you. [to Pam] That was Jo, asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus, people are happy. Jim jim [on phone] Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. [hangs up] Jordan, gather my things from my desk. [Dwight walks to the manager's office, rubs the door frame, sits at the desk reverently] Dwight dwight Wait... Jim jim What have you done? Pam pam Mose... you'll never guess where I am right now. Dwight dwight Aaaaahhhhh! Mose mose Can't stay there all day. Pam pam I'm coming. Jim jim Do I at least get to go with you in this fantasy? Pam pam You'd slow me down. Jim jim Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No. A week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. [Jim puts a pencil into the time clock and pulls it out broken in half] We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now Junior Employee. Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours. Jim jim Stop stalling! Come on. Pam pam I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation... All all ...under God... All but Oscar all-but-oscar ...indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. [Kevin finishes behind the rest of the group] All all Amen. Angela angela Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. [Kevin looks exasperated] Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself. Dwight dwight Ooh, about what? Erin erin That's on a need-to-know basis. Dwight dwight I thought I needed to know for your calendar. Erin erin [quietly] General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection. Dwight dwight Question, if we already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in? Jim jim Define foment. Dwight dwight You define foment. Jim jim [clears throat] Please take note of the new color-coding system. Dwight dwight [surprising Kelly] Aha! Dwight dwight Oh my God, what is wrong with you? Kelly kelly Gotcha! Why are you late? Dwight dwight It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal. Kelly kelly All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area. [Dwight points to her legs and slowly moves his finger up, stopping at her mid-section] Dwight dwight In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so... Andy andy Oh! Darryl's funny. Erin erin I know, right? Andy andy Hey, Andy? Gabe gabe Yeah? Andy andy Can I talk to you a second about these client memos? Gabe gabe Sure. What's going on? [in room with Gabe] Andy andy Are you still in love with Erin? Gabe gabe What? Andy andy Because I am. I need to get her back. [crying] I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now? Gabe gabe No, this is horrifying. Andy andy No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back. Are you still gonna date her? Gabe gabe We're just friends, okay? Andy andy Do you promise that? Gabe gabe Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now? Andy andy No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying. Gabe gabe [seeing the Join the Fist flyers that Jim is hanging] Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist? Dwight dwight Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French Revolution, or the Black Panthers, or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking, you know. Jim jim You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion? Dwight dwight Nope. Social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. [Darryl enters and brandishes his fist, Jim returns the gesture] Jim jim Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist. Dwight dwight And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything, but I have noted it. [Dwight tears the sign down, Jim hangs two signs in its place] Jim jim [inputting numbers into the copier and holding up the line] One... Kevin kevin [refills his coffee near a sign that reads "Honor System: Stanley stanley Pam, I have to show you this video. You're gonna love it. It's Beyonce falling with a fart mixed in. [buzzer to indicate a blocked web site] Andy andy I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager. Dwight dwight [looking at empty vending machine] No food now? Someone has to do something about Dwight! Kevin kevin He put some snacks in the freezer for us. Creed creed You mean the frozen mice for the piranha? Pam pam No. The blueberry Slurpee pouch. Creed creed He means the ice pack. Phyllis phyllis [on phone] 2:00 should probably be okay. I can either take your number or - [Gabe ends the call] Erin erin I'm sorry. This can't wait. Gabe gabe He's just gonna call back. Erin erin Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. Uh, uh, I sure as hell don't believe in God. [Erin and Angela both look taken aback] Gabe gabe [quietly] What? Erin erin Or maybe there's a God. I don't know. I mean, it's just not a guy with a long white beard. [Erin looks shocked] Or it could be. I mean, it's possible that that is exactly what - what God is. But for all of the disbelief [phone rings] I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum [phone continues ringing] out... there... uh, do we not have voicemail? Gabe gabe Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages. Erin erin Well... it's just... [ringing] it messes up my rhythm. Gabe gabe I'm taking a break from dating. Gabe was a great guy with so many wonderful qualities, but it was a challenge being touched by him. Erin erin Wow, you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic. Jim jim Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue. Dwight dwight And the desk. Jim jim The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior. Dwight dwight I promise...d other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so... Jim jim Don't make me fire you. Dwight dwight You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers. Jim jim Don't make me pre-fire you. Dwight dwight You wouldn't dare. Jim jim Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired. Dwight dwight [quietly] If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then. Jim jim What? Dwight dwight If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, "Well that's pretty premature to think," but I always say, it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared. Jim jim How you doing, Jordan? Dwight dwight I'm good. Jordan jordan Everyone here thinks that you're a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks, which won't last long anyway. As your pale skin and severe bone structure imply, you'll age swiftly and poorly. Dwight dwight Why are you telling me this? Jordan jordan Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me, things they don't want me to know abou-[Dwight opens a box and sits down in shock] Ohh... it's a holster. Dwight dwight [walking around the office with the holster around his waist] Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Lookin' good. [grunts] Ohh... [stretching out his arms to better indicate the gun and holster] Oh, what a day. What a day. Dwight dwight Dwight, are you carrying a gun? Pam pam The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um, I don't know. I guess he's saying that he's proud of me. Dwight dwight Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable. Andy andy The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster. Dwight dwight Why do you need to wear the holster at all? Pam pam Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time? Dwight dwight Thank you. Angela angela You could put your cell phone in it instead. Phyllis phyllis Uh... hello! [indicates his phone clipped onto his belt] Dwight dwight You could put a banana in it. Kevin kevin Why would I put a banana in my holster? Dwight dwight In case you weren't hungry now, but you got hungry later. Kevin kevin Dwight, no gun, okay? Don't make us call Jo. Pam pam Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah! [Dwight goes to flip the gun and it fires near Andy's ear, making everyone jump] Dwight dwight Andy! Erin erin Aah! Aah! It's so loud! Andy andy My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that? Oscar oscar [trying to find a pitch] Eeeeeeee... There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't - eeeeeee... I can't find perfect C. Andy andy Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting- Meredith meredith Hey, what happened? Toby toby Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head. Kelly kelly No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun. Dwight dwight [scatting off-key] Something's definitely wrong. Andy andy I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms? Oscar oscar Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD. Angela angela [buzzer to indicate a blocked site] Firewall. Oscar oscar I can't reach Jo. She must already be on the plane. Gabe gabe Okay, why are you calling Jo? Dwight dwight I think I should go the hospital. Andy andy I'll go with you. Erin erin No! We really shouldn't be without a receptionist. Now more than ever. Gabe gabe I'll take him. Darryl darryl Thank you, Darryl. [Andy limps out of his chair and leans on Darryl for support] Andy andy What's wrong with you? Darryl darryl It's my ear. Andy andy Yeah. Darryl darryl Okay, sorry. Andy andy [excitedly] Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before. Toby toby I'm gonna keep trying Jo. Gabe gabe Okay, everyone! Conference room, right now! Dwight dwight [enters with a cowboy hat, speaking with a Western accent] Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! [imitates gunfire] Howdy, partners! It's me, Gun-Safety Dwight! And I'm the rootin'-est- [removes hat] I can't do this. Um, look. Obviously, a gun went off under my watch, and I'm launching a full investigation. Dwight dwight We all saw you do it. Stanley stanley Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like? Dwight dwight Navy blue. Little red anchors. Erin erin I have no way of knowing if that's true. Dwight dwight I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? [all raise their hands] Toby toby Okay, really? Dwight dwight Would you consider this a terrorist incident? Toby toby I felt terrorized. Ryan ryan Come on. Dwight dwight Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that. Toby toby I just really, really think we should handle this internally. Dwight dwight Dwight, why is it on us to protect you? Ryan ryan Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best. Dwight dwight Hey. [Erin gasps] We're back. Andy andy There he is! Our hero! [Both Dwight and Erin move to hug Andy] You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories. Dwight dwight Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal. Andy andy Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal. Dwight dwight Yeah. Andy andy How's your hearing? Phyllis phyllis Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room. Andy andy I was talking like this. [mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me. Darryl darryl Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition. Kelly kelly American Idol? What? No. Dwight dwight Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo? Kelly kelly No. Dwight dwight [singing] Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree? Kelly kelly Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition. Dwight dwight Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day. Phyllis phyllis Pet Day! I want Pet Day back - no dogs. Angela angela Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit. Kevin kevin I put everything back in the vending machine. Dwight dwight Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit. Kevin kevin You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish. Pam pam Okay. Dwight dwight Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good. Jim jim Thank God. Dwight dwight Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in "Shagadelic, baby," at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands? Jim jim What's jazz hands? Dwight dwight [quickly shakes his hands back and forth] Jim jim Fine. Dwight dwight [leaves the men's room with an empty fish tank after flushing the toilet] Dwight dwight [after entering the men's room] What the [bleep] is that? [runs out of the bathroom] Oh, my... Kevin kevin Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers. Jo jo Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin? Dwight dwight Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on. Jim Halpert - the only man that ever turned me down. Jo jo Well, I don't know about that. Just wasn't for me. But let me assure you, Dwight is firing on all cylinders. Right? Jim jim Well, some pretty big shoes to fill. I was sorry to hear about Deangelo. He was a good man. Tragic. [Jim coughs] Jo jo [does jazz hands, Jo notices and eyes him oddly] Well, what can you do? Life. Dwight dwight We have to clean this up now! Andy andy She had so much - Erin erin Hey, guys. Gabe gabe Hey. Erin erin Hope I'm not interrupting anything. Gabe gabe No! [Erin and Andy laugh] Andy andy Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again? Gabe gabe Uh... Andy andy I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that. Gabe gabe Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying... Andy andy No, I was not. Gabe gabe And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary. Andy andy Oscar, can you print out last year's sale statements? Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight, gimme a back massage. Kevin kevin No, Kevin, come on. Dwight dwight My back is sore, Dwight. Massage it. Kevin kevin Kevin, not now. Dwight dwight Hey, Jo! Kevin kevin Okay, okay. Shh! [Dwight begins rubbing his shoulders] Dwight dwight No, under the jacket. Kevin kevin You're kidding me. [reaches under Kevin's jacket] Oh God, what am I touching? It's moist. Dwight dwight I don't feel anything. Kevin kevin Oh, it's so wet. Dwight dwight Push harder, Dwight. Kevin kevin I can't. I can't push harder! Dwight dwight Go a little higher. There you go. Nope, higher. Higher. [Dwight has positioned his feet on the filing cabinet behind Kevin and is kneading his back horizontally] Kevin kevin Okay, how's that? Dwight dwight Knead it. Knead it like a pizza. Kevin kevin I'm kneading it! Dwight dwight Don't eat it. Kevin kevin Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel? Jo jo Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today. Dwight dwight What?! Jo jo I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse - Dwight dwight Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same - you shot a gun? What is wrong with you? Jo jo It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps. Dwight dwight Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid. Jo jo I take full responsibility. Dwight dwight Who else would be responsible? Jo jo Pam made me put a banana in my holster. Dwight dwight You shot a gun off - Pam pam Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes. Dwight dwight Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius. Jo jo Got it. Dwight dwight I love you, Dwight. But you don't fit this job. Jo jo [on the verge of tears] Jo, please... I will - Dwight dwight No, child. No. It's over. Now I gotta find a replacement for my replacement. Jo jo You three are my search committee. You're in charge of finding me my next manager. All righty? Jo jo Yep. Gabe gabe Yep. Jim jim Till then, we need a new acting manager. Now, who's got the most experience in this office? Jo jo Uh, well, we probably don't want to go just on seniority. Toby toby Who is it? Jo jo Hey, Dwight. What's up? Jim jim Shut up. Dwight dwight Well, you do know that Jo was right to take the job away from you, right? There's no debating that. But, I will say... in your one week, every single one of the orders went out on time. And I think that is shagadelic, baby. [Dwight sees Creed claiming the desk in the manager's office] Jim jim [giving Kevin numbers for the copier] Four, one, seven, one... Angela angela Another one? Kevin kevin Yes! {Darryl} and {Angela} darryl angela Seven, two... Angela angela Could you turn the volume down on the beeping? Oscar oscar Six, nine, shut up, Oscar. Eight... Angela angela Nine first. Darryl darryl Nine, eight, five... Angela angela Thank you. Kevin kevin Three, zero, zero. Again, zero. Four, six... Angela angela Nice. Kevin kevin Two, one... Angela angela Oh, I hit three. I hit three. Kevin kevin God! Angela angela