Oh, sorry, mate. David Brent david-brent [English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate. Michael michael [laughing] What you doing? David Wallace david-wallace English? Michael michael You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that. David Wallace david-wallace Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct? Michael michael Yeah big time, yeah. David Wallace david-wallace I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah. Michael michael Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you? David Wallace david-wallace Michael Scott. Michael michael Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li [bleep]. That's what it sounds like. David Wallace david-wallace [laughing] Michael michael Herrow! Herrow! David Wallace david-wallace I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping! Michael michael You can't do that these days. You can't. David Wallace david-wallace No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality. Michael michael No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh. David Wallace david-wallace That's good. Pleasure to meet you. Michael michael Where are you working? David Wallace david-wallace Dunder Mifflin. Michael michael Any jobs now? David Wallace david-wallace No, not right now. Michael michael Just let me know. David Wallace david-wallace All right. See you around. Michael michael All right. David Wallace david-wallace Bye-bye. What a nice guy. Michael michael Your first student is here, Mister Bernard. Erin erin That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard. Andy andy Last year, I went to a seminar called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients. Andy andy Oh it's... [points to conference room] Erin erin [enters] [in a gruff voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar. Michael michael Michael? Erin erin Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos. Michael michael Ooh. Wait, Michael? Erin erin Okay. Michael michael I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies. Michael michael Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best. Andy andy Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win. Jim jim Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous. Andy andy Wow. [sees guy at Erin's desk] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar. Jim jim No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy, Andy andy I know. Jim jim If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night. Andy andy I'm really sorry. I can't do it. Jim jim You can't. You can't. Andy andy I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at. Andy andy Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over? Jim jim What's going on? Do you know that guy? Pam pam I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office. Jim jim Hey. Dwight dwight Hey. Jim jim [to Erin] How are the marks? Dwight dwight What are some of your small business ideas? Dwight dwight I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts. Older guy older-guy Oooh! {Phyllis}, {Stanley}, {Dwight} phyllis stanley dwight That's great. There's a big, big future in that. Dwight dwight A lot of mines in Scranton. Phyllis phyllis Um, what about you? Dwight dwight Uh, credit cards. Younger Guy younger-guy Uh-huh. Dwight dwight My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction. Younger Guy younger-guy Wow! Dwight dwight Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents. Younger Guy younger-guy Right. Okay? Great. Dwight dwight Great. Stanley stanley You promised us whales. These are worms. Dwight dwight They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter. Andy andy I'm out. Stanley stanley Stanley, you're suppose to close. Andy andy I'm out too. Phyllis phyllis What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team. Andy andy We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team. Dwight dwight You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and... Michael michael Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that. Holly holly Okay. Michael michael Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it. Michael michael [as Mikanos] If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos? Michael michael Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian. Holly holly Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today. Michael michael Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus. Holly holly Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that. Michael michael [muttering] Down... there. [to Pam] Is "jlp" a word? Erin erin "Jelp?" J-e-l-p? Pam pam No, j-l-p. Like, "I jlp... I jlp you!" Erin erin I don't think that's a word. Pam pam I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game. Erin erin The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining", "Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything. Erin erin You want some help? Pam pam Really? Erin erin Mm-hmm. Pam pam Yes. Erin erin K-a. "Ka"? What does "ka" mean? Pam pam It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play "moo"? Oscar oscar Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes. Erin erin Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a... Oscar oscar Uh... Erin erin A triple word. Oscar oscar Like the cow mood yesterday. God. Erin erin Or moon. Oscar oscar The cow jumped over the moon. Erin erin She's stuck on that one thing. Oscar oscar No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right? Pam pam Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy. Andy andy Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam. Kevin kevin Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great. Andy andy Then I won't let you down. Kevin kevin Cake. Kelly kelly In you go. Ryan ryan Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right? Andy andy Yup. Ryan ryan I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business. Andy andy And? Ryan ryan Can you do it? Andy andy Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that. Ryan ryan So no? Andy andy No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment. Ryan ryan Oh, baby. Kelly kelly What do I put you down for, bro hombre? Andy andy Yes. Ryan ryan All right! Andy andy Yes, I'll do it. Ryan ryan Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome. Andy andy And if I flake, I flake. Ryan ryan What? Andy andy Kevin, you open it up. Andy andy Yep. Kevin kevin Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: Andy andy Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog. Andy andy Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem. Older Woman older-woman Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. [plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train] Andy andy [running laps around the conference room] Yes! Kevin kevin There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type. Kevin kevin [out of breath] Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. [coughing] And then double it! [coughing]. Kevin kevin Are you okay? Andy andy No. Yes! Kevin kevin Here... Andy andy No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. [coughing] [vomiting]. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! [runs out of room] Kevin kevin I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last... Andy andy But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend. Kelly kelly What are you... Andy andy Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch. Kelly kelly It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. "The Business Bitch", "The Diet Bitch", "The Shopping Bitch", "The Etiquette Bitch." Kelly kelly I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing. Kelly kelly Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise. Professor Powell professor-powell Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone. Kelly kelly Uh, why? Professor Powell professor-powell Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business? Kelly kelly Um, there aren't really ten secrets. Professor Powell professor-powell Come on Scott, please? It's me. Kelly kelly Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline. Professor Powell professor-powell Mm-hmm. Kelly kelly That brilliant little bitch. Andy andy A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there. Oscar oscar Wait. Why? Erin erin Put the "q" there, sweetie. Oscar oscar I think there's better... Pam pam Put the "q" there! [phone rings] Sorry I yelled. Oscar oscar You could have just told us what you were thinking. Pam pam There's no theater in that. Oscar oscar There's no yelling in that, either. Pam pam Well... Oscar oscar What do you do in your free time? Holly holly [as Mikanos] Practice Olympics. Michael michael Mmm. Do you like movies? Holly holly [as Mikanos] I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, "home". Michael michael We have to try this out on somebody. Holly holly [as Mikanos] Hello. Michael michael Look, you want to order something? Hank hank She will have a greekaccino. Michael michael I don't know what that is. Hank hank It... Michael michael [with accent] It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat. Holly holly [laughs] I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk! Michael michael No more brain damage. Holly holly No more brain damage! Michael michael Ahh! Holly holly I don't know. Holly holly Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause] Andy andy Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Creed creed I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down. Gabe gabe When I win... Erin erin Ooh. Gabe gabe We're gonna watch "Wall-e", where all the boundaries of color are pushed. Erin erin It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible. Gabe gabe So what's your crazy business pipe dream? Dwight dwight Well, I started my own golf supply company. Guy guy [unimpressed] Really? Dwight dwight It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth. Guy guy [quietly] Phyllis? Dwight dwight Hmm? Phyllis phyllis Some of these people are for real. Dwight dwight Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you. Dwight dwight Thank you. Andy andy Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh? Dwight dwight Really? Andy andy Ahem! Darryl darryl Excuse me. Andy andy I got it. I got it. Dwight dwight [turning towards Darryl] Hey, do you need a lozenge? Andy andy [whispering] They're a bunch of jackals. Darryl darryl What? Andy andy They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home. Darryl darryl [to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis]: Andy andy Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. [to Michael and Holly] Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on? Andy andy [whispering] You're gonna blow it. Dwight dwight Maybe. Only maybe. Andy andy We got it! Wow! We got it! Oscar oscar Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself. Pam pam Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes. Oscar oscar Yes. Erin erin [pulls phone back] Ah. No! [laughing] [hands phone back]. Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have. Oscar oscar Apoplexy. Erin erin Yes. Oscar oscar Got it. [plays word] Oh, Oscar. Oscar? Erin erin I played "ape." Erin erin [on phone] I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season. Jim jim Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so... Andy andy [as Mikanos] Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. [exits conference room] [normal voice] All, you have to close right now. Michael michael Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it. Andy andy No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it. Michael michael Yeah, yeah. Andy andy Andy, what's the problem? Michael michael This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy. Andy andy You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. [entering conference room] [as Mikanos] What is taking that guy so long? Michael michael Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer? Jim jim I don't know. They're still in there. Pam pam Ohh! Good-bye. Jim jim Stop. Out with it. Pam pam Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom. Pam pam Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually. Jim jim And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group. Pam pam I was blue group, so it was second from the top. Jim jim And Tom... Pam pam Was in the green group. Jim jim And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence. Pam pam And that's what I told him. Jim jim Right. But how'd you say it? Pam pam "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with." Jim jim Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now? Andy andy I'll take one. Older Woman older-woman Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? [younger guy raises hand] Sold! Anybody else? [older guy raises hand] Yes! All right! Andy andy Yeah bitch. Kelly kelly Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life. Andy andy [quietly] No, no, no. Michael michael But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime. Andy andy Whoo! Kelly kelly Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda? Tom tom Yeah, woah. [deeper voice] Yep, absolutely, go ahead. Jim jim Hey. Tom tom Hey. Jim jim How's it goin'? Tom tom Pretty good. Jim jim It's been a while. Tom tom It has been, yeah. Jim jim So you work here, huh? Tom tom Sales. Jim jim Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. [laughs] Tom tom [laughs] Jim jim 'Cause you're so smart. Tom tom Oh, man. You remember that, huh? Jim jim Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius. Tom tom All right, good catch-up. Jim jim Yeah. Tom tom See ya. Jim jim Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg? Tom tom Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya. Dwight dwight Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em. Andy andy [with accent] Wonderful seminar! Holly holly [as Mikanos] Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on. Michael michael Michael, I should get back to work. Holly holly What? Come on. It's time for grapes. [regular voice] Real fun day. Michael michael So, I won. Gabe gabe I know. You get to pick. Erin erin Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch "Wall-e". Gabe gabe Yes? Erin erin So I got us a compromise. This movie's called "Hardware". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married... Gabe gabe Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it. Andy andy There's a "Shrek" two?! Erin erin Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow. Andy andy Nice guy. Gabe gabe Ohh. [laughs] Erin erin