[Andy, Angela, Phyllis, Ryan, Kelly, and Oscar are gathered around Oscar's computer lauging at a video of Cookie Monster] None none [Kevin's voice] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them. [all laugh] Cookie Monster cookie-monster This is awesome! Andy andy Thank you. It didn't even take that long. Oscar oscar [Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga, [Kevin arrives behind the group] a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent. Cookie Monster cookie-monster This isn't funny. I don't talk like that. [all continue laughing] Kevin kevin Say "Me eat cookie." Phyllis phyllis No. I won't say it. Kevin kevin Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique. Dwight dwight It's Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street. Ryan ryan [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio? Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Phyllis phyllis I love that show. Dwight dwight [Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin. Cookie Monster cookie-monster Good work, buddy. Ryan ryan Thank you. Oscar oscar That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please. Dwight dwight Yes. Oscar oscar Me, too Oscar. Kelly kelly C.C. me Ryan ryan Angela, this is inappropriate. Kevin kevin This is my favorite day. Angela angela It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. [Andy unfurling a giant "Happy Secretary's Day" banner by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin's chair]. Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin. Andy andy Here you go. Meredith meredith Oh, thank you. Erin erin I do. Andy andy [hands Erin a basket of beets] Dwight dwight Thank you. Erin erin If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom. Andy andy [as Halperts arrive] Welcome back! Erin erin Hey, thanks. Pam pam It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off. Pam pam [at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim] Oh. You couldn't have watered it? Pam pam I literally did not know that existed until this moment. Jim jim Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die. Dwight dwight It's nice to see you again, Dwight. Pam pam Hello, Pam. Dwight dwight [arrives at Michael's office and sits] I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day. Andy andy I'm going to give Erin $15. Michael michael I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch. Erin erin A one-on-one lunch with Erin? Michael michael Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael]. Andy andy She's kind of a rube. Michael michael [slams his hand on Michael's desk] That's my girlfriend you're talking about. Andy andy Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch. Michael michael [taping desk] She's gonna be so psyched. Andy andy [walks over to Erin's desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day. Michael michael Well, happy Boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss. Erin erin I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...[Erin snaps a picture of Michael] lunch. Michael michael I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's. Erin erin Ugh. Michael michael Just the two of us. Erin erin Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm... Michael michael Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth's, but... Erin erin Okay, well, we'll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office] Michael michael Oh. Erin erin [looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around] Okay, let's go to Hayworth's. Michael michael [cheerfully] Okay. Erin erin All right. Michael michael [sitting at kitchen table with Darryl] Have a cookie, Kev. Meredith meredith Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that. Kevin kevin I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there. Darryl darryl Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. [pats Darryl's back] Happy Birthday. Kevin kevin Thank you. [Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it] Darryl darryl [as Cookie Monster] Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum. Darryl darryl They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me. Kevin kevin [again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video] Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level... Kevin kevin This is violent and offensive. Gabe gabe Thank you. [computer continues] It really makes me self-conscious about my voice. Kevin kevin It's awful. [reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin] Gabe gabe I'm not crying. Kevin kevin You have some food on your face. Gabe gabe [on computer as Cookie Monster] Do my hands feel sweaty to you? [Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth] Kevin kevin The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure. Gabe gabe Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around. Gabe gabe Yeah. Kevin kevin And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao. Gabe gabe [in his car with Erin driving to lunch] Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. Michael michael I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager? Erin erin [shakes head, annoyed] I don't know. Michael michael I would have chosen the 1490's. Erin erin Ahhh. Michael michael 'Cause America was discovered. Erin erin Right. [sighs] Michael michael [at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month? Erin erin An age or month? Michael michael Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven. Erin erin I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird. Michael michael How many pillows do you sleep on at night? Erin erin So how are things going with Andy? Michael michael He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him. Erin erin Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo. Michael michael Yeah I love that. Erin erin Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser. Michael michael What? Erin erin I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter. Michael michael Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela? Erin erin Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh. Michael michael Here we go. Hot plate. Hayworth's Waiter hayworths-waiter Okay. Michael michael And your salad, miss. Hayworth's Waiter hayworths-waiter Why wouldn't he tell me that? Erin erin I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else. Michael michael They had sex? Erin erin They were engaged, so... [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir? Michael michael Yes? Hayworth's Waiter hayworths-waiter Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles? Michael michael Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles. Hayworth's Waiter hayworths-waiter Thank you. Michael michael Uhhhh, they were engaged? Erin erin Mm-hmm. Yeah. Michael michael [face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably] Uh-oh... Erin erin Well... Michael michael [moans, pulls hair over her face] Erin erin What are you doing? What are you doing? Michael michael In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming] Erin erin Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now. Michael michael [breathes heavily, groans] Erin erin [turns to other restaurant patrons] I'll have what she's having! Michael michael [in Michael's car] Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch. Michael michael [feels a pain in her breast] Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha. Pam pam What's up? Jim jim Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable. Dwight dwight Dwight, don't be gross. Jim jim No, no, he's right. Pam pam Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy. Dwight dwight That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump? Pam pam [removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer] All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me. Dwight dwight You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay? Pam pam Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you. Dwight dwight Mm. [walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump] Meredith! Pam pam I just like the way it feels. Meredith meredith What are you doing?! Pam pam Just relax. Okay. Meredith meredith Relax?! Pam pam This is like the Cadillac of pumps. Meredith meredith Give it back to me now. Pam pam Okay, I was just warming it up. Meredith meredith It's disgusting! Pam pam It's not a big deal. Meredith meredith It's not sterile! Pam pam We're both girls. Who cares? Meredith meredith So... how was lunch? Andy andy Lunch was fine. Erin erin Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be? Andy andy I don't know. It was lunch, Andy. Erin erin Well, I know. [stammers] Just want... I mean... [chuckles] Andy andy Erin? I think we're out of fax cover sheets. Oscar oscar God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy. Erin erin [using a Cookie Monster voice] "My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant." See I did the voice. Kelly kelly That's a little derivative. Ryan ryan But parody is always derivative. Kelly kelly Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean? Ryan ryan Jim does a really good one. Do yours. Pam pam Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. "Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall." Jim jim Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV? Gabe gabe "Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies." Jim jim Ok. Gabe gabe Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself. Andy andy You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so.. Michael michael I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic. Andy andy No. No. No. Michael michael Specific shout-out.. Andy andy Stop talking. Michael michael Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote [starts to use a British accent] a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three.. Andy andy [throws a piece of cake at Andy's face] I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me. Erin erin Oh God. Michael michael Can we talk about this in private? Andy andy I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not? Erin erin Yes. Andy andy Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together? Erin erin No, no never. Pam pam Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know? Erin erin Yeah pretty much. Dwight dwight Who are you?! I don't know you! [pushes someone away to leave] Erin erin I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue. Gabe gabe Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you. Kevin kevin Thanks. Erin erin So if you need anything, I'm right over there. Kevin kevin [imitating Cookie Monster] "Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful." Pam pam Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days. Gabe gabe What? What do you mean, suspend me? Pam pam I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work. Jim jim Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too Jim. [Dwight starts to clap] Ok fine. You too Dwight. Gabe gabe Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making. Dwight dwight I don't want to hear it. Suspended. Gabe gabe "C" is for suspension. Kevin kevin Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day? Andy andy Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap. Michael michael I was going to tell her, just on my own time. Andy andy You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret. Michael michael Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things. Andy andy Psst. Hey. Erin. Angela angela You want to talk to me, come to my desk. Erin erin You embarrassed me earlier. Angela angela Oh. Take it up with the chief of police. Erin erin You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it. Angela angela I want to throw up just thinking about it. Erin erin You are throwing up for the wrong reasons! Angela angela [standing behind Erin] I don't think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again, you know. Toby toby Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim. Pam pam Really? Erin erin Yeah. And he worked here too. Pam pam It was Andy, wasn't it? Erin erin No, no it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants. Pam pam I hope you find what you're looking for. Erin erin Thank you. [kisses Jim on the cheek] Pam pam [talking on the phone] So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them. Oh I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough. Gabe gabe [answers phone] Hey Toby. Pam pam I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. That's not legal. Toby toby Very interesting. Pam pam Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure... Toby toby [Gabe walks in] Thanks Toby. Pam pam Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. [Pam hands Jim a note] It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension. Gabe gabe I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension. Pam pam And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that. Jim jim [gets up and walks towards Gabe] Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. [Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave] Gabriel, I apologize. Dwight dwight Great. Gabe gabe [gets on one knee] I kneel before you. Dwight dwight Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology. Gabe gabe Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition. Dwight dwight [following Jim and Pam to their car] Guys, to err is human. [trying to block their car] Gabe gabe Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein? Erin erin Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill. Andy andy How long were you guys together? Erin erin A year. Andy andy A year? You were together for a year? Erin erin Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else... Andy andy I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok? Erin erin I didn't see that movie. Andy andy [walking back into the office] That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that. Gabe gabe Do they still get paid? Kelly kelly It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened. Gabe gabe Sounds like they just got to go home with pay. Oscar oscar Pathetic. Meredith meredith Can I buy everyone coffees? [everyone shakes their heads] [in Cookie Monster voice] "Or cookies." Gabe gabe What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression? Dwight dwight Alright. Gabe gabe [imitating Gabe] Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person. Kevin kevin You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang. Gabe gabe "I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit." Dwight dwight "Ciao" Right? "Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee." Kevin kevin Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? [everyone says ciao] Gabe gabe [sitting on bench outside groaning] Erin erin Erin? Michael michael Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone. Erin erin No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down? Michael michael I can't trust Andy anymore. Erin erin Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing. Michael michael It's Andy's fault. Erin erin Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis. Michael michael Oh, I like his butt. Erin erin You said butt. Michael michael You tricked me! Erin erin Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: Michael michael Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day. Andy andy Hey Kevin it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can't seem to find the column for shipping cost. {Oscar}'s voice from the computer oscar I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It's awesome. Kevin kevin I don't get it. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice. Jim jim Yeah. "I vant to count to ten". Pam pam But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers. Kevin kevin But you're an accountant too. Kelly kelly Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch? Oscar oscar That would have been funny. Pam pam But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple. Kevin kevin [walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? "Oscar. I am the Count." Nailed him. Nailed him. [Gives Kevin a fist pump] Good work Cookie Monster. Michael michael Thank you. Kevin kevin