Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue? Angela angela [with mouth full] Yes. Kevin kevin Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie. Dwight dwight So why did you come in here? Jim jim To socialize. And inform. Dwight dwight Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier. Michael michael You're taking two? Ryan ryan Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby. Kelly kelly Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica? Michael michael Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now. Kelly kelly Heh, okay, weirdo. Michael michael Why is that, why is that weird? Jim jim She said she was going to give it to him right now. [starts laughing] Michael michael [laughing] She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other. Jim jim Yeah, they used to. Michael michael Toby works here again. Jim jim Oh, can you imagine? Michael michael Oh no. Jim jim Uhhgh. Michael michael You don't know. Jim jim I don't know. What? Michael michael You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's, see if he's back. Jim jim Hmmm, dare I? [laughs] You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake. [walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle] Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. [turns around and sees Toby] Michael michael Hi, Micha- Toby toby NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO! Michael michael [watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds] Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No. Michael michael He looks great. Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Well rested. Dwight dwight He looks worse. Michael michael Michael, is everyone okay? David Wallace david-wallace Uh, well I'm afraid not. Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance. Michael michael I don't understand, is anyone hurt? David Wallace david-wallace Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David. Michael michael Michael, you texted me, 911 CALL ME. David Wallace david-wallace Yes. Michael michael All in caps. Do you know what 911 means? David Wallace david-wallace I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened. Michael michael Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there. David Wallace david-wallace I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved. Michael michael Also, it's icky back there. Dwight dwight That's true. People say it's icky. Michael michael Okay, I have to go. David Wallace david-wallace David, wait. Michael michael No. David Wallace david-wallace Is there no way we can get rid of him? Michael michael Not without cause, Michael. David Wallace david-wallace I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him. Michael michael You have to get along with Toby. David Wallace david-wallace No. Michael michael Yep. David Wallace david-wallace I don't. Michael michael Goodbye, Michael. [hangs up] David Wallace david-wallace [Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders] Don't do that. Michael michael [pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave, it is covered in exploded food] Oh, come on! [to the documentary crew] Do you see this? Disgusting. Pam pam So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place? Andy andy Yeah, I am. Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that. Jim jim Ehhh no, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some email. I got peepers of an eagle. Andy andy That's really not cool. Jim jim Kaaw! Andy andy So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in? Kevin kevin Yeah, I guess technically Kev, you're right. Jim jim Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. [tugs and pulls in vain at the clown painting] She's gonna love it. Right? Jim jim Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam? Jim jim Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets. Andy andy Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic. Phyllis phyllis Oh thanks, Phyllis. Jim jim Where's your place? Phyllis phyllis Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry? Jim jim Ohhh... Phyllis phyllis Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there. Creed creed Definitely we should. Jim jim [reading from a note on the microwave] "To whoever made the microwave mess: Oscar oscar You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. [walks to the annex] Hey Toby, great to have you back, man. Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again. Michael michael Well thanks Michael. Toby toby You're welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family. Michael michael Well that's sweet, I missed you guys too. Toby toby So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun. Michael michael Well, um, it was amazing. It really was, thanks for asking. Um the beaches were pristine... Toby toby Nice beaches, pristine beaches? Michael michael ...and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic. Toby toby Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay? Michael michael It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found. Toby toby I bet, for you. Michael michael And uh, yeah, plus it was hot. Toby toby [shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition-- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself. Michael michael Are you all right, Michael? Toby toby Yeah, I am. I am. Michael michael I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them. Michael michael Okay, just summarize. Michael michael Okay, fireable offenses include: Dwight dwight When it comes down to it, it's a health issue. I should have written that. Pam pam Mmhmm, yeah. Jim jim [looks up] Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me? Pam pam Oh totally. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still? Jim jim Are you inching away from me? Pam pam No. Jim jim Reach your arms out. Pam pam [laughs and swings his arm out which doesn't come close to touching the reception desk] I'm always this close. Jim jim Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah. Hello, Pam. Jim may I have a moment with Pam please. Michael michael Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so... Jim jim Oh, oooh his mistress. No. I'm kidding. No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam. Michael michael What do you need, Michael? Pam pam Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson? I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand. Can you do that for me? Michael michael Good. [Pam stands up and starts reading note] N-no no no, don't. Michael michael "Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I'm too shy to tell you that I love you." Pam pam Pam. Pam, you gave me your word. Michael michael [kissing Kelly against her desk] You did that for me? Ryan ryan Mmhmm. Kelly kelly Are you happy you did? Ryan ryan Hey guys that's really inappropriate. Toby toby [kisses for a little longer] What's up? Ryan ryan Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them? Michael michael Yeah, yeah I'll see them. Ryan ryan Toby can I see those? Ooh. [takes photos and throws them on the floor] What's the matter? What's the matter? You scared? Michael michael Those are fighting words. Dwight dwight You mad? You mad at me? Michael michael I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you. Dwight dwight Do you want to do that? You want to hit me, you want to punch me? Michael michael Hmmm? Dwight dwight Huh? He might do it... Michael michael Punch him, Toby! Kelly kelly I dare you to. Come on. Michael michael Come on. [making karate moves] Baaah! Dwight dwight What's the matter... haaaww! Michael michael Hit him! Hit him, Chicken. Dwight dwight Yeah, punch him. Ryan ryan Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on? Michael michael Ryan. Come on, man? Dwight dwight No do it, do it. I dare you. Michael michael Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face. Dwight dwight Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch. Come on! Come oooon... Michael michael I'm not going to punch you, Michael. Toby toby Are you really not going to punch him? Dwight dwight No, why would I punch you? Toby toby Son of a bitch. Michael michael [as Toby picks up his photos] You should have hit him man, guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man. Ryan ryan I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day Dwight dwight [mouth full of brownie] Just stop it. You haven't done anything helpful all day. Michael michael There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired. Dwight dwight What's that? Michael michael [goes over and closes office door] Frame him, for using drugs. Dwight dwight Frame him? Michael michael Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal. Dwight dwight I've never framed a man before, have you? Michael michael Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage. Dwight dwight Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean. Michael michael Hello. I've seen you guys around. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing? [they stare at him] Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here? I need to purchase something. Michael michael A fridge? Vance Refrigeration Guy vance-refrigeration-guy No. Uh, I wanted-- I wanted to buy some weed? Some... Michael michael What? Vance Refrigeration Guy vance-refrigeration-guy Grass, weed? Michael michael What makes you think we'd have weed? Leo leo I heard you drug-- I heard you dealt. Michael michael [whispers in Leo's ear] Hey, just hold on one second. Vance Refrigeration Guy vance-refrigeration-guy I'm not wearing a wire, so... Michael michael Why would you even say that? Leo leo [comes back up to Michael] Hey, that's gonna be 500 dollars. Vance Refrigeration Guy vance-refrigeration-guy How much? How many pounds is it? Michael michael It's- it's two pounds. I'm losing money on this man just, give me the money. Alright, walk away. Vance Refrigeration Guy vance-refrigeration-guy Walk away. Leo leo Walk away. Vance Refrigeration Guy vance-refrigeration-guy Hey, Pam? I just wanted to let you know; I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation. Ryan ryan Thank you. Pam pam I was just back there, to make some cup-o-soup; the thing is still a huge mess. Ryan ryan I know, can you believe it? Pam pam Yeah, it's crazy. But, I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get there and clean it up. Ryan ryan I guess that's why we have a temp, huh? Pam pam Ah ha ha, oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse. Ryan ryan How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse? Pam pam I-- I would find a way. Ryan ryan You've seen things cleaned before though, right? Pam pam I-- Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff I... I, uh... Ryan ryan Hi, Michael. Kelly kelly Hey, hey, hey. Hey. I forgot... I forgot... Michael michael [on a cell phone in the hallway] Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson [Michael opens Toby's desk drawer and puts something in it] and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon. Dwight dwight Hi, we received a call? Police Officer #1 officer I don't know anything about that. Pam pam We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation. Police Officer #1 officer Here? Pam pam Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. [leads them back towards the annex as Creed stands up and starts to put him hands up and then relaxes them behind his ears] Dwight dwight Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave. Creed creed Those are real cops, real guns. I wonder what's going on. [follows them] Michael michael Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator. Dwight dwight Hey, what is this? Toby toby Search his things. Dwight dwight Sir, can you step away from your desk please? Police Officer #2 officer Why? Toby toby Sir, please step away from your desk. Police Officer #2 officer Hey, what's going on? You don't have my permission to do this. Toby toby They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission. Dwight dwight Hey, hey what are- why are you doing this? Toby toby Uh, you know what? I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding. Michael michael Don't search my stuff. Toby toby Sir? Police Officer #1 officer I have a reasonable right to privacy. Toby toby Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson. Dwight dwight Michael! Toby toby Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay? Michael michael Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America? Police Officer #1 officer Oh my God! Toby toby No, no no no... No, no. Michael michael That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on? Toby toby No, that was... that was legitimate. That was totally legitimate. Michael michael Really? Police Officer #1 officer Check this out. Police Officer #2 officer Oh God! Michael michael That is not mine. I have never seen that before. Toby toby No, no no no no. Michael michael Turn around. Police Officer #1 officer What is going on here? Toby toby God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is. And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that! Michael michael Do you have any weapons? Police Officer #1 officer Of course not! Toby toby Ahh, that's mine. Michael michael No! Michael, no! Dwight dwight Yes, it's mine. Michael michael Some basil. Salad dressing, I think. Police Officer #2 officer Salad dressing? Police Officer #1 officer Yeah it's, uh, a caprese salad. There's a little bit of, uh, mozerella right there. Police Officer #2 officer Are you kidding me? That's my salad. Michael michael So wait a minute, there's no drugs? Dwight dwight No. Police Officer #2 officer Gahh, dammit! [punches file cabinet] Come on! Dwight dwight We got a fake tip. Police Officer #1 officer Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him? Dwight dwight No. Police Officer #1 officer [following them out] You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them? Dwight dwight You must feel pretty good about yourself right now. Michael michael I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael. Toby toby Hmm. Michael michael Did you? Toby toby Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere. Michael michael You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff. Toby toby Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face. Michael michael You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So... Michael michael I did leave. Toby toby Yes, you did. And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history. Michael michael Well, I don't see it that way. Toby toby Do you want to hear a lie? Michael michael What? Toby toby I think you're great. You're my best friend. Michael michael [stops kissing Kelly] I can't do this. Ryan ryan Can't do what? Kelly kelly It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me. Ryan ryan Wait, what are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you. Kelly kelly That was your choice; don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip. Ryan ryan Oh, can I come? Kelly kelly It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school, well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it... you don't want me to resent you, do you? Ryan ryan So you're dumping me? Kelly kelly Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing. Ryan ryan Okay? Kelly kelly [walking out of the building] Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home? Jim jim Sure. Pam pam Cool. Jim jim [getting out of the car] What are we doing at your parent's house? Pam pam I have a surprise for you. All right, ready? Close your eyes and now [spins her around once] open your eyes. Tadah! Jim jim I don't get it. Pam pam I bought it. It's ours. Let's go inside, I'll show you inside. [walking inside] So if you can believe it I did it without a realtor. Saving on closing costs is good and, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. Which I think will help, the color situation. [Pam walks over to the clown painting on the wall] Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess, lot of art theives in this neighborhood. [upstairs] This is the master bedroom but, I'm actually not allowed in here so... [shuts the door] Jim jim [outside] So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here and I'm thinking, it could be perfect [opens garage door] for an art studio. [Pam looks around and then looks at him] Look, I know, I bought this without asking you and it's doesn't look great, I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand it's just-- Jim jim I love it. Pam pam You do? Jim jim Yeah, I love it! Pam pam Really? Jim jim I mean, you bought me a house! Pam pam Oh my God... Jim jim You bought me a house! Pam pam Yeah, I did. [they kiss] Jim jim Um, do we have to sleep in your parent's bedroom? Pam pam No, No, we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about. Jim jim And the clown? Pam pam Yeah, I can't... really can't move him. Jim jim What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: Dwight dwight