Pam, line three. Receptionist receptionist Okay, thanks. Pam pam New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate. Pam pam Hey. Pam pam Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Michael michael Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week. Pam pam Hey Michael. Pam pam Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much. Michael michael Hey. Michael michael Hello. Holly holly That was really fun last night. Michael michael Yeah, it was nice. Holly holly I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs. Michael michael Oh, that would be great. You need that. Holly holly Yeah? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly Oh really? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly Well... Michael michael It would help. Holly holly I, uh... [to camera] I let her win. Michael michael [to camera] No, he didn't. Holly holly So, when, um, can I see you again? Michael michael Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? [laughs] Holly holly No. Michael michael I don't care, free tonight. Holly holly Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. [Holly's smile quickly fades] Because I am busy taking you out. Michael michael [gasps] Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight. Holly holly [concerned] Why? Michael michael I'm going out with you. Holly holly Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight... Michael michael [shakes head] No more. Holly holly Tonight's so... Michael michael No more. Holly holly Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day. Michael michael Thank you, you too. Holly holly You're welcome. Michael michael In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure. Michael michael That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date. Andy andy [whispering] You set a date? Dwight dwight J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money. Andy andy [sigh] What are you making? Phyllis phyllis A knife. Dwight dwight You're making a knife with a knife? Phyllis phyllis You got a better way? Dwight dwight You want to talk about it? Phyllis phyllis About what? Dwight dwight You know I know. [looks at the camera guys] You know they know. Phyllis phyllis I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know. Dwight dwight Oh, the mall could be fun. Holly holly Yeah. Michael michael We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog. Holly holly Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. [laughs] Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight? Michael michael ...Hell yeah. Holly holly Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first. Michael michael Yeah, that's good. Holly holly Probably get soup or something light. Michael michael Hi. Phyllis phyllis She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine. Dwight dwight It's nice to learn new things. Phyllis phyllis I was talking to myself. Dwight dwight Okay. Phyllis phyllis I just don't get it. Dwight dwight What don't you get? Phyllis phyllis Why is she marrying Andy? Dwight dwight Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk. Phyllis phyllis That's really fattening. Dwight dwight No, it's lettuce. Phyllis phyllis [playing cards] It's time to go. Holly holly No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. [sighs] [goofy voice] I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy. Michael michael You're crazy, go crazy. Holly holly [walking out of the building] Oh, I forgot my keys. Holly holly Do you need 'em? Michael michael Yeah, lets go grab them. Holly holly All right. Michael michael Oh, after vous. [walking into the girls bathroom] Holly holly Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing] Michael michael I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us? Holly holly Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can't hear us at all. Michael michael Oh, good. Holly holly We're totally alone. Michael michael Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000. Angela angela Great, they stole my laptop. Oscar oscar Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector. Kevin kevin How does that even compare? Oscar oscar Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges. Kevin kevin Oh, my God, what happened? Michael michael We were robbed last night. Jim jim Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have. Dwight dwight Can I talk to you for a second? Holly holly Yeah. Oh... oh! Michael michael That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors? Holly holly No, did you? Michael michael Michael I think this is our fault. Holly holly Oh, no, my God. Michael michael Oh... Holly holly Oh my God! Michael michael So much for sex without consequences. Michael michael [Jim holds up phone] You are such a dork! Shots! Pam pam So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. Jim jim I'm not drunk. Pam pam I'm on minute six of this message. Jim jim Okay, I do not sound like that. Pam pam You can take the girl out of Philly... Man on Phone man-on-phone Scranton. Pam pam The future mother of my children. Jim jim I never felt safe here. Angela angela You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind. Andy andy I would very much like that. Angela angela Yeah? Andy andy Yeah. Angela angela [cockney accent] Consider yourself... at home! Andy andy [Dwight groans] Ugh. Dwight dwight Get in. Dwight dwight Where are we going? Phyllis phyllis I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so. Dwight dwight Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on. Phyllis phyllis Are you sure that's going to work? Dwight dwight It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much. Phyllis phyllis Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight... Dwight dwight How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk. Holly holly I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back. Oscar oscar Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? [whispering] Creed Bratton. Creed creed We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright? Michael michael To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty. Michael michael I think it's a fun idea. Phyllis phyllis Thank you. Michael michael We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time. Phyllis phyllis Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own? Michael michael Move on, Michael. Phyllis phyllis Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days. Michael michael So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this? Oscar oscar I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here- Michael michael Do you need us for any of this? Jim jim Do I? Michael michael Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss. Holly holly Yeah, I think that's pretty boss. Michael michael He knows how to get things. He got me. Holly holly Whoa! Michael michael [giggles] Sorry. Holly holly Twice. ... Right? Michael michael Mm-hmm. Holly holly Mm-hmm. Michael michael Mm-hmm. Holly holly Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. [points below his belt] Dwight dwight I think you have me confused with another person. Angela angela I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14! Dwight dwight I heard you. [quickly walks away] Angela angela Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. [music stops] And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. [clears throat] Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] Michael michael Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People. Darryl darryl Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. [cheers and applause] It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. [auctioneer voice] 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-[speaking gibberish] Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 [speaking gibberish] Sold! For 300 dollars to me! [bangs gavel, which squeaks] What the hell is that? Michael michael It's the only gavel I could find. Phyllis phyllis It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price! Michael michael Hey Mike, do my thing. Darryl darryl Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of- Michael michael Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest. Darryl darryl 5 dollars. Jim jim Sold! To Jim. Darryl darryl Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says "Creed." Michael michael Yeah, that's all-inclusive. Creed creed She thought I was McNabb. [laughing] Darryl darryl I can see that. Jim jim Yeah, well, watcha gonna do? Darryl darryl Another round, boys? Great. [Jim walks to the bar] Jim jim Halpert? Roy roy What's up, Roy? Darryl darryl Hey man. Jim jim I'm not gonna hit you or anything. Roy roy Oh, I wouldn't-[clears throat] Jim jim You good? Roy roy I'm good. How you doing? Jim jim I'm good. Roy roy Yeah, okay. Jim jim Hey Darryl, what's happenin'? Roy roy Oh, what's up, Roy? Darryl darryl Hey, what's up, guys? How you been? Roy roy Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes. Kevin kevin Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man. Michael michael Federal and State. Kevin kevin Federal and State. [no one bids] Michael michael Fine. [throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand] Kevin kevin Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage. Michael michael [playing blues on a guitar] Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. [Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy] Hank hank We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. [David Wallace walks in] Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo! Michael michael Hey. David Wallace david-wallace Hey! Michael michael Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey! David Wallace david-wallace 100 dollars. Oscar oscar 100 dollars, great. Michael michael 125. Bob bob 140. Guy in Audience guy-in-audience Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick. Dwight dwight Oh dear. Phyllis phyllis Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter. Michael michael 160. Guy in Audience guy-in-audience 160. Michael michael I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. [the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires] Dwight dwight Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it? Phyllis phyllis Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what? Dwight dwight Now you move on. Phyllis phyllis Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back? Dwight dwight Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer. Phyllis phyllis Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan. Dwight dwight Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us. Phyllis phyllis Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. [Phyllis slaps Dwight] And you slap like a girl. Dwight dwight What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. [Dwight has an epiphany] Dwight dwight What's going on with Pam? Roy roy Oh, she's good actually. Jim jim Yeah? Roy roy She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school. Jim jim Really? Roy roy Yeah, she's doing really well. Jim jim Huh. Roy roy She's engaged, um... to me. Jim jim [laughs] Congrats, man. Roy roy Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that. Jim jim So Pam's happy? Roy roy Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM. Jim jim Wow. Roy roy What? Jim jim I thought you were a friend. Roy roy [driving] I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. [sighs] Jim jim When are you getting to Bruce? Bob bob Uh, just a few more items. Michael michael [chanting] Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! All all All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. [cheering] All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around? Michael michael Do you want us to look for 'em? Stanley stanley No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody. Michael michael I have my hug. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so. Michael michael I'll bid on a hug. Bob bob She's your wife, you idiot. Michael michael 100 dollars. Bob bob 200. David Wallace david-wallace Uh, what the hell is happening? Michael michael 250. Andy andy What are you doing? Angela angela I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one. Andy andy Not here. Angela angela 300. Bob bob 300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice. Michael michael 300 and one penny. Dwight dwight 300 and one penny, 300 and one penny. Michael michael 325. Bob bob 325, 325. Michael michael 350. David Wallace david-wallace 350. Michael michael 350 and one penny. Dwight dwight 350 and one penny. Michael michael 400. Bob bob 400, 400 hey batter batter. Michael michael 400 and one penny. Dwight dwight 400 and one penny. Michael michael 500. Bob bob 500. Michael michael 500 and one penny. Dwight dwight 500 and one penny. One million dollar! Michael michael 700. Bob bob 700. Michael michael 700 and one penny. Dwight dwight Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna- Michael michael 1,000 Bob bob Eh, it's not worth it. Dwight dwight 1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. [applause] Nicely done. Michael michael [driving, sighs, laughs] No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And [laughs] we are not that couple. [turns around] Jim jim [whispering] Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- [Holly covers Michaels mouth] Michael michael The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true. Holly holly [after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss] No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly. David Wallace david-wallace