So do you want to see it or not? Karen karen I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds... Jim jim Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic. Karen karen Agoraphobic? Jim jim Yeah. Karen karen Really? Jim jim Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. Karen karen Absolutely correct. Jim jim Later, Jim. Kevin kevin Kev, have a good weekend. Jim jim Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up. Karen karen Here we go... Jim jim ...and we're gonna go to dinner. Karen karen Ok... Jim jim And then we're gonna go to the movies. Karen karen Sounds good. Jim jim Hey Halpert! Roy roy Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim] Jim jim ROY! Pam pam [shrieks] Karen karen Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy] Pam pam [screams in pain] Ahh God! Roy roy Pam, please call security! Dwight dwight Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray] Dwight dwight No need for consternation, everything is under control. Michael michael Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office! Jan jan It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled. Michael michael [sigh] Is Toby there? Jan jan No... Michael michael I'm... here, Jan. Toby toby Ok, what... what is the situation Toby? Jan jan Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. Toby toby Thank God. Jan jan Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his... Toby toby No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. Michael michael All right, well are you gonna take care of this? Jan jan Yeppers. Michael michael What did I tell you about "yeppers?" Jan jan I don't... remember. Michael michael I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? Jan jan Yeesh... Michael michael I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked. Pam pam I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. Jim jim Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you. Jim jim Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded. Dwight dwight Okay. Um... Got you something. Jim jim Don't want it. Dwight dwight You don't know what it is. Jim jim Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. Dwight dwight It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven. Jim jim No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. Dwight dwight Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up. Oscar oscar Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight. Kevin kevin It was crazy. Oscar oscar You saw it? Describe it please. Angela angela Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero. Oscar oscar Oh... Angela angela It was insane! Oscar oscar [flustered] Well... good for Dwight. Angela angela Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you. Michael michael Where'd you get that? Jim jim Wikipedia. Michael michael Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information. Michael michael Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise. Michael michael Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise. Jim jim Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish] Michael michael I can't hear you. Jim jim What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish] Michael michael Still nothin'. Jim jim Ok, see what I did? Michael michael No. Jim jim By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position. Michael michael Nice. Jim jim Ok, let's try another one. Um... Michael michael Okay. Jim jim Walking out of the room unexpectedly. Michael michael And what happens in this one? Jim jim It's a surprise. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim Go ahead, ask me for a raise. Michael michael Can I have a raise? Jim jim [gets up and begins to walk out of the room] Michael michael [softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher. Jim jim What? Michael michael What? Jim jim No, what did you say? Michael michael I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened. Jim jim Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna... Michael michael I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place. Dwight dwight Which is where? Toby toby Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end. Dwight dwight Thanks Dwight. Toby toby That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. Kelly kelly I can't imagine what I would have done. Ryan ryan I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed. Kelly kelly Well that was funny, that's why. Ryan ryan Oh it was? Kelly kelly Mm-hmm. Ryan ryan Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night... Kelly kelly Okay. Ryan ryan ...and you call me, to calm you down... Kelly kelly You know what? I didn't-- Ryan ryan Can you stop... Toby toby ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not. Kelly kelly There's a bunch of people back here, maybe... Toby toby Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night... Ryan ryan Guys... Toby toby I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you! Kelly kelly I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius. Toby toby [knock on door] Yeah. Michael michael You ready for me? Darryl darryl Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. Michael michael Cool. Darryl darryl You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room. Michael michael Okay. Darryl darryl No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room. Michael michael Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off. Michael michael Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. Michael michael [long pause] I am declining to speak first. Michael michael Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now. Darryl darryl Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now. Michael michael Are you wearin' lady clothes? Darryl darryl What? Michael michael Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants. Darryl darryl No, this is a power suit. Michael michael That there's a woman's suit. Darryl darryl [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again. Michael michael I'ma call Roy, man. Darryl darryl Ohh... kay. Michael michael This is gonna make him feel better. Darryl darryl All right. Michael michael This is too good. Darryl darryl Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? Michael michael Oh my God, that's a woman's suit! Pam pam You're wearing a woman's suit? Kevin kevin No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin. Michael michael There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual. Michael michael Who makes it? Kevin kevin Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery. Michael michael Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining? Phyllis phyllis Okay. Michael michael Did you see... Phyllis phyllis Would you stop it, please? Michael michael So, none of that tipped you off? Jim jim It's European, OK? It's a European cut. Michael michael Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. Pam pam No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam] Michael michael [Laughing, covering her mouth] Pam pam Italians don't wear pockets. Michael michael It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little. Pam pam Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? Karen karen No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. Michael michael Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. Darryl darryl Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes. Michael michael Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails. Darryl darryl Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes. Michael michael Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman? Kevin kevin I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. Karen karen You must have been scared out of your mind. Stanley stanley Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared. Karen karen What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story. Angela angela Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry. Karen karen Mm-hmm. Angela angela And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. Karen karen [flustered] Goodness. Angela angela When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. Karen karen Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. Michael michael Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise. Darryl darryl [mumbles jibberish] Michael michael What? I can't hear you. Darryl darryl [mumbling softly] That was a very good point. Michael michael I can't-- what, Mike? Are you-- Darryl darryl [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument. Michael michael Sorry I almost got you killed. Pam pam Yeah, that was nuts. Jim jim He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right? Pam pam No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. Jim jim Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now. Pam pam We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday. Jim jim Jim... I am really... sorry. Pam pam Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. Jim jim I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. Michael michael Why can't I just... tell you? Darryl darryl Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide-- slide it, yes. Michael michael There you go. Darryl darryl Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious. Michael michael I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want. Darryl darryl I... I can't give you that, I-- I don't make this much. Michael michael Come on, be for real Mike. Darryl darryl I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub. Michael michael [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this? Darryl darryl Plus perks, yes. Michael michael Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs] Darryl darryl Fourteen years. Michael michael Ho-ho! Darryl darryl No, please, please... Michael michael Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs] Darryl darryl Ok, let's take 15, again. Michael michael A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that. Michael michael Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something. Jim jim When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer? Dwight dwight Boy I-- Jim jim No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle? Dwight dwight It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating. Jim jim Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. Karen karen Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do? Jim jim Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip. Karen karen Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you. Kevin kevin Oh, thank you. Michael michael Yeah. I heard you might need it. So... Kevin kevin Here's the $40 you gave me. Creed creed I didn't give you $40. Michael michael In a way you did. Creed creed Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid. Stanley stanley [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up] Darryl darryl Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia. Michael michael What? Darryl darryl I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise. Michael michael That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss. Darryl darryl Well what am I supposed to do? Michael michael Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son. Darryl darryl I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous. Michael michael Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have. Darryl darryl [exhales] That's true. Michael michael Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. Darryl darryl You know what? I should. Michael michael Yeah, you should. Darryl darryl I have been a loyal employee for a long time. Michael michael Fourteen years long. Darryl darryl You know what? I deserve a bump. Michael michael Make it happen, cap'in. Darryl darryl I am makin' it happen, sergeant. Michael michael I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter-- Creed creed You're useless. Angela angela Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends? Jan jan No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today. Michael michael Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five? Jan jan Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away. Michael michael Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present. Jan jan Yes, I'm bringing Darryl. Michael michael Da-- Darryl from the warehouse? Jan jan Mm-hm. Michael michael No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby. Jan jan Hey, I'd rather kill myself. Michael michael Michael, he's your branch's HR rep... Jan jan [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. Michael michael ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. Jan jan [sighs] Fine. Michael michael You are so mean. Kelly kelly I don't know what you're talking about. Ryan ryan Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid. Kelly kelly No, I said your idea was stupid. Ryan ryan Toby, come on. Let's go. Michael michael Where? Toby toby Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go. Michael michael What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Kelly kelly Alright. Toby toby Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. Kelly kelly Don't you see why that's insane? Ryan ryan Oh, so I'm crazy now? Kelly kelly Comfortable, Mike? Darryl darryl Yeah. Fine. Michael michael How about you, man. Comfortable? Darryl darryl No. Toby toby [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way. Michael michael Thank you. Darryl darryl Well... Michael michael I haven't been to New York in a long time. Darryl darryl Mm, the Big Apple. Michael michael Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there. Darryl darryl How would we get home? Toby toby Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place. Darryl darryl Maybe I'll stay. Michael michael Mm, it's not that big. Darryl darryl Well... Michael michael Busses, though. They get you home quick. Darryl darryl [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I... Michael michael And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!" Kelly kelly Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings] Angela angela You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams... Kelly kelly Hey guys, Jan is ready for you. Hunter hunter Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you. Darryl darryl Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. Michael michael Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me Darryl darryl All right. Michael michael Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself. Darryl darryl [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions "Don't worry about it"] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something? Roy roy I don't know. Pam pam Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly] Roy roy [as Roy is walking out] Jim-- Roy-- Look out! Kevin kevin Thanks, Kev. I'm good though. Jim jim Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay. Jan jan Who's the boy toy? Michael michael That's my new assistant. Jan jan Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek? Michael michael I have to call you the second I get a new assistant? Jan jan Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers. Michael michael Hi, Jan. Toby toby Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First-- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear? Jan jan Pippity poppity. Michael michael Right now we can offer you a 6% raise. Jan jan Six percent? After all we've been through? Michael michael Oh, God. Jan jan I got you... jade earrings. Michael michael Michael-- Jan jan No! Michael michael Michael-- Jan jan No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball? Michael michael Just preparing for the deposition. Toby toby This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial. Toby toby I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong. Roy roy I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices. Pam pam So you gonna start datin' Halpert then? Roy roy Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend. Pam pam Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy. Roy roy No, there were a lot of reasons. Pam pam But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam. Roy roy I know. Pam pam What's this? Dwight dwight What's what? Jim jim Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute" Dwight dwight Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor. Jim jim Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap. Dwight dwight [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice... Jim jim Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me! Michael michael Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere. Jan jan Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere. Michael michael Ok, Toby, how about if you... Jan jan Sure. Toby toby Great. Jan jan What's wrong with you? Jan jan Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I-- Michael michael Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15. Jan jan Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make-- Michael michael No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay? Jan jan Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise. Michael michael No. But we can offer you 12. Jan jan But you just said 15. Michael michael Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan- Michael michael Michael! Jan jan So you and Bob are looking at a historical house? Stanley stanley Mm-hmm, near the river. Phyllis phyllis Mm, how many bedrooms? Stanley stanley Four. Phyllis phyllis Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading. Angela angela Really? Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery. Angela angela Mm, good stuff. Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together. Angela angela Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees] Dwight dwight [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even. Jim jim I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... Andy andy Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD! Andy andy No need to thank me. Dwight dwight I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono. Dwight dwight Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot. Michael michael