Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid? Jim jim What do you think? Dwight dwight In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment. Jim jim [Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid? Jim jim Okay. Dwight dwight [Windows reboot sound] Altoid? Jim jim Sure Dwight dwight [Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight? Jim jim Inbwit? Yes. Dwight dwight [Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs] Dwight dwight What are you doing? Jim jim I... Dwight dwight What? Jim jim I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise] Dwight dwight Always the bridesmaids, right ladies? Michael michael Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great. Photographer photographer Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride. Michael michael Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'. Pam pam So what's in the box? Jim jim A toaster, you? Stanley stanley A toaster. Karen karen Unbelievable. Stanley stanley Hello, Angela. Dwight dwight Hi, Dwight. Angela angela You look as beautiful as the Queen of England. Dwight dwight Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left! Angela angela The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair. Dwight dwight Those flowers are nice. Jim jim Yeah. P and R? Karen karen Phyllis and Robert. Jim jim Ah, of course. Karen karen Also, Pam and Roy. Pam pam There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. Michael michael Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside. Phyllis phyllis How you doin'? You excited. Michael michael Yes, very. Phyllis phyllis Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? Michael michael No. Phyllis phyllis You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous... Michael michael That wasn't me. Phyllis phyllis Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle? Michael michael I thought it was... Phyllis phyllis Here, let me... Michael michael Michael... No. Phyllis phyllis Just cover up that bald patch. Michael michael I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone. Phyllis phyllis Okay. Michael michael You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. Michael michael [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you! Michael michael Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'. Michael michael Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people? Dwight dwight You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers. Jim jim No way. Dwight dwight Did you ever see that movie? Jim jim Of course I saw it. Dwight dwight I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it. Dwight dwight You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out. Jim jim Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift. Dwight dwight [to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her? Kevin kevin At the gym. Toby toby Riiight. The gym. [snickers] Kevin kevin Could you scoot over? You're on my dress. Kelly kelly I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding. Meredith meredith I know but there was an emergency. Kelly kelly I look really good in white. Kelly kelly This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it. Michael michael That's my dress. Pam pam [whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking] Michael michael It's a miracle. Dwight dwight [generalized clapping] Crowd crowd This is bull****! Michael michael Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight. Michael michael I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over. Michael michael And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? Priest priest I do. Phyllis phyllis Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance! Michael michael And do you, Bob... Priest priest Oh, shiii... Michael michael ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife Priest priest I do. Bob Vance bob-vance You may now kiss the bride. Priest priest Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Michael michael Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning. Angela angela Thanks Angela. Phyllis phyllis Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. Michael michael If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you. Bob Vance bob-vance Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too. Michael michael Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers. Dwight dwight I don't have that, Dwight. Phyllis phyllis Dammit, Phyllis! Dwight dwight Are you all right? This must be so awful for you. Kelly kelly What do you mean? Pam pam Well... this was supposed to be your wedding. Kelly kelly Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine Pam pam There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant. Kelly kelly Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks Pam pam 'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple? Dwight dwight Who? Uncle Al uncle-al The bride and groom? What are their names? Dwight dwight Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure. Uncle Al uncle-al Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on. Dwight dwight Okay, Okay. Where are we going? Uncle Al uncle-al Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend. Dwight dwight Oh! Uncle Al uncle-al Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter? Michael michael It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet. Phyllis phyllis I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. Michael michael It's fish. Phyllis phyllis I will take care of that. Michael michael I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white. Michael michael No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding. Kevin kevin Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light. Kevin kevin Hey. Roy roy Hey. Pam pam I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste. Roy roy You're kidding me, right? Pam pam I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom. Roy roy Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding. Pam pam I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning. Roy roy Yeah. Pam pam Sorry about that. Roy roy It's okay. Pam pam You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married. Roy roy Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler! Randy randy [cheering and clapping] Crowd crowd She is. Unknown unknown Cheers. Randy randy Cheers. Crowd crowd Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige... Michael michael The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones. Michael michael Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance... Michael michael Oh okay. That's enough. Bob Vance bob-vance is a guy that... Michael michael Thanks, Michael. Give me... Bob Vance bob-vance he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay. Michael michael Give me the microphone. Bob Vance bob-vance No. I'm not going to... Michael michael Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael. Bob Vance bob-vance Ok. All right. Michael michael You're out of here! Bob Vance bob-vance Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you! Michael michael Hey. Jim jim Hey! Pam pam When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? Jim jim Oh... I'm pacing myself. Pam pam Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want. Jim jim No. I'm such a dorky dancer. Pam pam I know. It's very cute. Jim jim Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical. Jim jim Come... Come on! Michael michael I can't let you in, Michael. Dwight dwight Dwight, just... Michael michael No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders. Dwight dwight Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song. Michael michael You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure. Dwight dwight OK. Michael michael Hey, they're playing our song. Roy roy Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police. Pam pam I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance? Roy roy [sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu. Michael michael [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here? Roy roy Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen. Jim jim [sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every... Karen karen One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them] Women women Toby! Yeah! Toby toby I just want Phyllis to have a great day. Michael michael Phyllis and you will be great together. Uncle Al uncle-al We are great together. We are a great team. Michael michael The Celtics were a great team. Uncle Al uncle-al Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon. Michael michael Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know! Uncle Al uncle-al Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head. Michael michael Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember. Michael michael You found Uncle Al! Phyllis phyllis Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo. Michael michael Thank you, Michael. Phyllis phyllis You're... You're welcome. Michael michael They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad. Michael michael Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face] Michael michael