Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So... Michael michael So, you ready for the... the Dundies? Jim jim Ugh... Pam pam You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. Pam pam [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert. Michael michael What? Jim jim [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert. Michael michael So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera? Michael michael Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky. Jim jim Oh, that's a good idea. Michael michael Mine are at home in a display case above my bed. Dwight dwight Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. Michael michael T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame. Michael michael And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling. Michael michael I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out. Stanley stanley Oh, no you di-int. Michael michael I think I did. Stanley stanley W-why did you... Michael michael Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember? Stanley stanley Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them. Michael michael [in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah! Michael michael Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights. Pam pam [in video] That's supposed to be confidential. Oscar oscar [in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight! Michael michael [Dwight starts playing the tune of "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega on his recorder] None none [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing... Michael michael [Somebody sits in front of the camera on the video, so even though nothing can be seen, Michael can still be heard] None none [in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere... Michael michael Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great. Pam pam [on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of... Michael michael It was you. Kelly kelly Live and learn. Phyllis phyllis [quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear. Pam pam Yeah, it was. Kelly kelly So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either. Dwight dwight We're not laughing at you, Dwight. Pam pam So who are we laughing at? Dwight dwight Um, just something somebody wrote. Pam pam Who? Dave Barry? Dwight dwight [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall. Kelly kelly What is it? Who wrote it? Dwight dwight Um, it's kind of private. Pam pam [whispering] It's about Michael. Phyllis phyllis That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less. Dwight dwight Okay, now I'm laughing at you. Pam pam [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton? Michael michael [on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael. Jan jan Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home. Michael michael No. Jan jan Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So... Michael michael No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this. Jan jan Um... Michael michael [Michael looks at the camera and motions for the camera to leave the office] None none [to camera] Could you...? Michael michael Are you there Michael? Jan jan Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that. Michael michael [Michael closes the blinds] None none [The camera tries to find a crack in the blinds] None none Um, what, ah, what is, I mean... Michael michael [The camera pans around to reception, Pam is listening] None none ...come on, Jan! Michael michael [The camera goes to a side of Michael's office where the blinds are still partially open] None none You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here. Michael michael Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you? Jan jan Well, yeah, I mean, what is... Michael michael You already had a party on May 5th for no reason. Jan jan No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party... Michael michael And you had a luau.... Jan jan ...it happens once every billion years. Michael michael And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money. Jan jan Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N. Michael michael Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense. Jan jan Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage. Michael michael This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk. Michael michael [Phyllis catches Dwight trying to sneak into the girls bathroom] None none Dwight, get out of here!! Phyllis phyllis [The door swings open and Dwight is being pushed out by Phyllis] None none No, no, no, no... Dwight dwight What were you doing in the ladies room?! Phyllis phyllis ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think. Dwight dwight Why were you peering over the stalls?! Phyllis phyllis No, why were you in there?! Dwight dwight You are a pervert! Phyllis phyllis What were you doing in there? Dwight dwight You, are, a pervert! Phyllis phyllis I am not. Dwight dwight [in video] The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley. Michael michael Pam, everybody! [starts clapping] Michael michael [Pam just sits there stirring her drink, rolls her eyes and glances over at Jim] None none [Jim, at the adjacent table, crosses his arms and glances over at Pam, both look annoyed] None none Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting. Michael michael [on video] Yes. Roy roy [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf? Michael michael [on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year. Roy roy [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God! Michael michael I'm not changing that, it's the best one. Michael michael No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know? Jim jim That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier. Michael michael Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy. Jim jim Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh. Michael michael Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom. Dwight dwight You're taking away our bathroom? Pam pam We are going to have two men's rooms. Dwight dwight But where would we...go? Phyllis phyllis Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to... Dwight dwight Michael... Pam pam Yes. Michael michael ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom. Pam pam Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now. Michael michael Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions... Dwight dwight Just don't, don't talk- Michael michael ...for people's behavior. Dwight dwight Don't talk- Michael michael And it's- Dwight dwight Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!! Michael michael Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us. Michael michael [with a small fist pump] Yes! Dwight dwight Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever. Michael michael [clapping] Best Dundies ever. Dwight dwight Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards. Dwight dwight [Quick cut to everybody talking and ignoring Dwight] None none Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon! Dwight dwight "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." [to Ryan] Card! Michael michael The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like. Oscar oscar "You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-" Michael michael [The music stops, Michael looks back at Dwight] None none The waitress tripped on the cord. Dwight dwight Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink! Michael michael [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab. Kevin kevin Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks. Michael michael You said, we could bring our families. Stanley stanley I did. And why didn't ya Stanley? Michael michael I did, my wife's name is Terri. Stanley stanley Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri. Michael michael It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael. Stanley stanley [Michael is dumbfounded, Dwight pushes a button on his keyboard that says, "OHHH, YEAHHHH."] None none [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight. Michael michael Really? We don't have any girls from HR. Dwight dwight No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy. Michael michael Yeah? Dwight dwight And I was about to take her bra off... Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork- Michael michael Like an AIDS test? Dwight dwight No! [under his breath] God. Michael michael [clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted. Michael michael Hey let's go to Poor Richard's. Darryl darryl Yeah, let's get out of here. Roy roy Um... Pam pam Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started. Michael michael Sorry. Pam pam You staying? Ryan ryan Yeah, gotta eat somewhere. Jim jim And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts... Michael michael ...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin. Michael michael [Everybody starts clapping, Phyllis gets out of her booth and makes her way to Michael, she gives Jim a high five along the way] None none Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual. Michael michael This says "Bushiest Beaver". Phyllis phyllis What? I told them busiest...idiots. Michael michael It's, it's fine. Phyllis phyllis Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that. Michael michael [Pam and Roy are at the truck, arguing.] None none ...because that's what happens every time! Pam pam ...talking about? He's a jackass every year. Roy roy No. Pam pam [Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's. Roy roy [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to. Pam pam Pam. Go. Roy roy If you would have asked me that, then you would know. Pam pam [Michael has false teeth in and glasses with squinted eyes on them] None none [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould. Michael michael Hey! How are ya? I thought you left? Jim jim Oh no, I just, I decided to stay. Pam pam Oh! Jim jim I'll just get a ride home from Angela. Pam pam Oh. Jim jim Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny. Michael michael [The camera zooms to an Asian customer behind Michael, she is looking at Michael in disbelief] None none Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout. Michael michael [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink? Pam pam This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office. Michael michael [Cut to Pam still drinking the beer] None none Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp! Michael michael Yeah. [singing to music] "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go. Michael michael What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now. Ryan ryan And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down. Michael michael No. Angela angela [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty. Jim jim No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs] Pam pam Second drink? Jim jim The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go. Michael michael "Spicy Curry", what's that mean? Kelly kelly Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke. Michael michael Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? Kelly kelly I don't know, it's just... Michael michael This is a bowler- Kelly kelly I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So... Michael michael Yeah, but everyone else- Kelly kelly Just sit down Kelly. Michael michael [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go. Michael michael [Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John] "You have won a tiny Dundie." Michael michael Sing it Elton. Guy at Bar guy-at-bar Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from? Michael michael We just came from yo' mama's house. Other Guy at Bar other-guy-at-bar Oh, alright, yeah. Michael michael Sing 'em a song dude. Guy At Bar guy-at-bar Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh... Michael michael [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really- Michael michael [The guy at the bar throws another object, looks like a wad of wet napkins, this time it hits Michael on the shoulder] None none You suck man! Guy At Bar guy-at-bar Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off] Michael michael [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So... Michael michael [give Kevin his award]There you go. Michael michael Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom. Pam pam [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev. Jim jim [More people start clapping] None none Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet! Pam pam Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going. Jim jim More Dundies! Pam pam [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! {Pam} and {Jim} pam jim Dundies! Dundies! Everybody everybody [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year. Michael michael Fine work! Fine work Stanley! Pam pam You know you did. Michael michael Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in] Pam pam Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't... Stanley stanley [Pam starts laughing her cute drunk laugh] None none So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling] Stanley stanley And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley... Michael michael [Cut to Pam, her face goes from drunken elation to sober realization] None none ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year. Michael michael [Cut to Jim's reaction of scared expectation] None none It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on! Michael michael Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go. Michael michael I have so many people to thank for this award. Pam pam [Quick cut to Jim laughing and staring at Pam with amused wonder] None none Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too. Pam pam [Dwight stands up, but nobody claps] None none Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. Pam pam [Quick cut to Jim, he's doesn't know whether to laugh or take her seriously, so he gives her an amused/appreciative grin] None none And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! Pam pam Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you. Michael michael What a great year for the Dundies. Jim jim We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding] Jim jim [Jim looks at the camera, then back at Pam, who is still nodding] None none What? Jim jim Nothing. Pam pam Okay. Jim jim What? Pam pam I don't know, what? Jim jim [Pam starts laughing, then suddenly falls off the bar stool] None none Oh my God! You are so drunk! Jim jim Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on. Jim jim Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy. Dwight dwight He's a volunteer. Jim jim Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush- Dwight dwight Dwight come on, come- Jim jim It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt. Dwight dwight [Dwight starts taking off his shirt, but gets stuck] None none Dwight, get off me! Pam pam [A Chili's employee comes over, Jim helps Pam up, Dwight is stuck in his shirt] None none I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat. Employee employee [struggling] Ahh! I can't- Dwight dwight Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. Michael michael Oh my God! Pam pam Whoa. Jim jim I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!! Pam pam Whoa. Jim jim Whoa, careful, careful. Jim jim [We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again. None none Great work tonight. Michael michael Watch your step. Dwight dwight Excellent. Michael michael Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion. Dwight dwight Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work. Michael michael I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. Pam pam No you don't. Jim jim Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there. Jim jim Hey, um, can I ask you a question? Pam pam Shoot. Jim jim [Pam stares at Jim for a little while, then glances at the camera, realizes she's on camera] None none Um, I just wanted to say thanks. Pam pam Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk. Jim jim [Jim opens the door for her] None none Alright. Jim jim Bye. Pam pam Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela. Jim jim TMI. Too much information. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that is so lame now. Or, "You go, girl." Or... Um, when did "Where's the beef?" That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, "Too much information" probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years. Michael michael Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that. Toby toby I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid. Kelly kelly Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive. Angela angela [scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly] Dwight dwight All right, we need something for Kevin. Michael michael Mmm-hmmm. Jim jim What do we know about him? He's an accountant. Michael michael He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler. Jim jim [talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award. Michael michael Well, you seem to have this under control. Jim jim The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized. Jim jim I am the fat accountant. Michael michael Michael, I need to talk to you. Dwight dwight Here he is. Michael michael I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall. Dwight dwight Really? What did they say? "For a good time, call Michael Scott"? Michael michael Good one. Jim jim Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe. Dwight dwight Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why... Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight I mean, you just come in and you're just negative... Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight ...and you just walk negatively. Michael michael Do you want me to find out what it says? Michael michael Yes. Michael michael By any means necessary? Dwight dwight What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about? Michael michael It's the ladies' room. Dwight dwight Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy. Michael michael Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael. Michael michael What award would you like to give Dwight? Jim jim I hadn't planned on including him. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim Kevin. Michael michael It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married. Dwight dwight Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says. Dwight dwight I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom. Angela angela I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael. Dwight dwight I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate. Angela angela Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener? Dwight dwight I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping. Kevin kevin Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies? Michael michael No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time. Kelly kelly Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character. Michael michael I think many people find that character slightly racist. Oscar oscar Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me. Michael michael Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits. Oscar oscar [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care? Michael michael Dwight, get out of here! Phyllis phyllis No, no, no. Dwight dwight You can't be in here! Phyllis phyllis It's not what you think. Dwight dwight Shut up. You're a freak! Phyllis phyllis I'm on official business. Dwight dwight You are... Phyllis phyllis This is Dunder Mifflin... Dwight dwight I'm telling Michael. Phyllis phyllis No. Phyllis, you're not... Dwight dwight I'm telling Michael. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis, no. No. Dwight dwight Michael, Michael. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind. Dwight dwight Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me. Phyllis phyllis What? Michael michael That is not true. Dwight dwight He was looking at me in the ladies' room. Phyllis phyllis That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy. Dwight dwight Dwight, you've hit a new low here. Michael michael That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room. Phyllis phyllis What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, "Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down." I'm not even attracted to you. Dwight dwight That is a good point. Michael michael Write him up or I'll take it to Jan. Phyllis phyllis Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely. Michael michael When? Phyllis phyllis Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good. Michael michael All right. Phyllis phyllis All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll. Dwight dwight Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing? Michael michael [singing] You down with the Dundies? Michael michael Yeah, you know me. Dwight dwight [singing] You down with the Dundies? Michael michael The Dundies! Dwight dwight [singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies Michael michael You know me. Dwight dwight [singing] You down with the Dundies? Michael michael Yeah, you know me. Dwight dwight [singing] Yeah, all the homies Michael michael I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head] Michael michael So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get "longest engagement" this year. Kevin kevin Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up. Roy roy I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance. Kevin kevin All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight. Michael michael I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award. Toby toby He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it? Michael michael Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on. Toby toby [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby. Michael michael It wasn't a vote. You decided. Toby toby Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it. Michael michael Okay, that is not true. Toby toby Yes, it is true. Michael michael 'Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you. Toby toby Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade... Michael michael Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes. Dwight dwight We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino... Waitress waitress No, no. No margarita. Hot sake. Dwight dwight [shakes head 'no'] Waitress waitress Fosters in the big can. Dwight dwight [shakes head 'no' again] Waitress waitress Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles. Dwight dwight Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still. Dwight dwight I am fine. Pam pam Dwight, this is crazy. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move. Dwight dwight Dwight, Dwight. Jim jim I'm sorry. Dwight dwight [laughing] I am fine. Pam pam Jim, don't interfere. Dwight dwight You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat. Manager manager Oh, my God. Pam pam Can you give me a second, sir. Dwight dwight No! Manager manager Dwight, let me up. Pam pam Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now. Manager manager I am a Sheriff's Deputy. Dwight dwight That's fine. Manager manager I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested. Dwight dwight The other volunteers. Jim jim Pam, are you all right? Dwight dwight I'm fine. Pam pam Sir, sir. Manager manager How many fingers am I holding up? Dwight dwight You're holding up three fingers. Pam pam All right. Are you okay? Dwight dwight Put your clothes on, right now. Manager manager I will. I will. You need to calm down. Dwight dwight Right now. Manager manager Don't wanna forget that. Michael michael You and your party really need to leave right now. Manager manager Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's? Michael michael You know what? Don't worry about it. Manager manager Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year. Michael michael That's fine. Manager manager