All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library? Michael michael Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So... Jim jim So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper? Michael michael Actually, you called me in here, but yeah. Jim jim All right. Well, let me show you how it's done. Michael michael [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. Michael michael All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] Michael michael That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done. Michael michael I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam? Michael michael Well. I don't know. Pam pam If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls] Michael michael What? Pam pam Any messages? Michael michael Uh, yeah. Just a fax. Pam pam Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate. Michael michael You haven't told me. Pam pam It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face. Michael michael People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts. Michael michael [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] Dwight dwight My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this. Jim jim Whassup! Michael michael Whassup! I still love that after seven years. Jim jim Whassup! Michael michael Whassup! Dwight dwight Whass...up! Michael michael Whassup. Dwight dwight [Strains, grunts] What? Michael michael Nothing. Jim jim OK. All right. See you later. Michael michael All right. Take care. Jim jim Back to work. Michael michael [on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great. Jan jan Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah. Michael michael Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda? Jan jan Um... Me no get an agenda. Michael michael What? I'm sorry? Jan jan I didn't get any agenda. Michael michael Well, I faxed one over to you this morning. Jan jan Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning? Michael michael Uh, yeah, the one... Pam pam Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it? Michael michael You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet. Pam pam Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes. Michael michael Do you want to look at mine? Jan jan Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you. Michael michael OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch. Jan jan OK... Michael michael Michael, don't panic. Jan jan No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent. Michael michael No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided. Jan jan All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding! Michael michael I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other. Jan jan OK. No problem. Michael michael This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing. Jan jan Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing? Michael michael Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it? Michael michael Go ahead. Jan jan Packman. Michael michael Hey, you big queen. Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, that's not appropriate. Michael michael Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today? Todd Packer todd-packer Uh, I don't know what you mean. Michael michael I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes? Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person. Michael michael So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily. Jan jan No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that. Michael michael So what does downsizing actually mean? Phyllis phyllis Well... Stanley stanley You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing. Oscar oscar I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me. Angela angela Yeah, it'll be you. Kevin kevin I have an important question for you. Pam pam Yes? Jim jim Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday? Pam pam Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous. Jim jim Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. Michael michael Hey. Michael michael Hey. Ryan ryan This is Mr. Scott. Pam pam Guilty! Guilty as charged! Michael michael Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today. Ryan ryan Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges. Michael michael Yup. Ryan ryan Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German] Michael michael I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good. Pam pam Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Pam pam Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing? Jim jim What? Dwight dwight What are you doing? Jim jim Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate. Dwight dwight It's not on your desk. Jim jim It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation. Dwight dwight You can't do that. Dwight dwight Why not? Jim jim Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ. Dwight dwight [crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me. Jim jim Downsizing? Dwight dwight Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on. Dwight dwight You just still have these messages from yesterday. Pam pam Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect] Michael michael What? Pam pam Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise. Michael michael Don't we all? Pam pam I'm sorry? Michael michael Nothing. Pam pam If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs] Michael michael I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP. Michael michael People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable. Michael michael Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight. Michael michael I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first. Dwight dwight Assistant to the Regional Manager. Michael michael OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear? Dwight dwight I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody. Michael michael Can't you just tell us. Oscar oscar Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em? Dwight dwight You don't know what it is. [Laughs] Michael michael OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted. Dwight dwight I don't need your permission. Michael michael Go ahead. Dwight dwight Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch. Michael michael I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know. Ryan ryan Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here? Oscar oscar Not gonna happen. Michael michael It could be out of your hands Michael. Stanley stanley It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that. Michael michael Can you promise that? Stanley stanley On his mother's grave. Dwight dwight No. Michael michael What? Phyllis phyllis Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it. Michael michael It's just that we need to know. Stanley stanley I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then. Michael michael I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe. Pam pam Are you sure about that? Man man Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings. Michael michael Pam, information is power. Dwight dwight You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you? Stanley stanley No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin. Michael michael If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry. Jim jim Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs] Pam pam Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp. Michael michael What's up? Nice to meet you. Ryan ryan Introduce yourself. Be polite. Michael michael Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything. Michael michael Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand. Dwight dwight That's his profit. Michael michael New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos. Dwight dwight Damn it! Jim! Dwight dwight OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here? Michael michael He put my stuff in Jell-O again. Dwight dwight [Laughing] Pam pam That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim. Dwight dwight It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules. Dwight dwight What is that? Michael michael That is my stapler. Dwight dwight No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food. Michael michael OK you know what, you can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him? Dwight dwight How do you know it was me? Jim jim It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not? Dwight dwight Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop. Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O. Michael michael OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan. Jim jim [Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round. Michael michael You should've put him in custardy. Ryan ryan Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores. Michael michael OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all. Dwight dwight Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do. Michael michael Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink? Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink. Jim jim So when are we going out? Pam pam Tonight, hopefully. Jim jim OK. Yeah. Pam pam Hey, man. Roy roy What's going on? Jim jim Hey, baby. Roy roy Hey. Pam pam Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring. Pam pam Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys? Pam pam No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home. Roy roy OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes. Pam pam You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun. Jim jim It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going. Roy roy Yeah, yeah. Jim jim Um... What's in the bag? Jim jim Just tell her I'll talk to her later. Roy roy No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do. Jim jim Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head] Jim jim So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff? Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK? Michael michael All right. Ryan ryan Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to... Michael michael You got a fax. Pam pam Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first. Michael michael What? Why? Pam pam Why? Well, theft and stealing. Michael michael Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen? Pam pam Post-it Notes. Michael michael Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents? Pam pam 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam. Michael michael Are you serious? Pam pam Yeah. I am. Michael michael I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me. Pam pam But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry. Michael michael [Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you. Michael michael You're a jerk. Pam pam I don't know about that. Michael michael What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked. Michael michael Hey. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim How are things? Jim jim Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with... Pam pam Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache? Jim jim It's better, thanks. Pam pam Good. Good. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam That's great Jim jim Is...? Pam pam Yeah? Jim jim Um... Are you... Pam pam Am I walking out? Jim jim Yes. Pam pam Yes, I... Do you want to... Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Great. Let me just... Jim jim [Car horn honking] Oh, Roy. Jim jim Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend. Pam pam Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here. Jim jim Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland. Dwight dwight [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world. Michael michael My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know. Jim jim Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam? Michael michael I guess. Pam pam Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam. Michael michael What? Pam pam Messages? Michael michael People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, "Hello, how are you? How's business been going?" And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?" And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that. Dwight dwight Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly? Michael michael Uh, Shemp. Ryan ryan Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita. Michael michael Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different. Ryan ryan Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs] Michael michael All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do. Michael michael So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place. Michael michael My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar. Angela angela It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor. Oscar oscar Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down. Angela angela There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house. Oscar oscar I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band. Kevin kevin Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um... Angela angela Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back. Oscar oscar I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too. Angela angela What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least. Michael michael What's that? Michael michael Wired. Pam pam Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning. Michael michael Oh, yeah. Pam pam Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating? Michael michael Smoked turkey. Pam pam Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later. Michael michael Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello. Michael michael [boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work? Documentary Crew Member documentary-crew-member That's fine. Dwight dwight [new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it... Documentary Crew Member documentary-crew-member I'm sorry it makes me nervous. Dwight dwight Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible. Documentary Crew Member documentary-crew-member I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Dwight dwight [talking over Dwight] It's... Documentary Crew Member documentary-crew-member I'm doing my job. Dwight dwight I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth. Michael michael