Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second. Pam pam Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker. Jim jim Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud? Pam pam So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye. Jim jim [to Jim] Hey! You can just give her your extension. Pam pam Okay. Jim jim Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think. Michael michael The temp agency wants to know what you think. Ryan ryan Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs] Michael michael Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years. Dwight dwight Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be? Michael michael Ah, well, I'm interested in business. Ryan ryan Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager? Michael michael Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company. Ryan ryan That is ridiculous. Michael michael Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one. Michael michael [speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is? Michael michael Fozzie bear? Ryan ryan Mmm... No. That was Yoda. Michael michael There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: Michael michael [to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey! Michael michael Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto. Dwight dwight [in background, on phone] But it says no late fee... . Oscar oscar [alarm sounds] People! Dwight dwight Okay! Everybody! Angela angela This is not a test! Move to the exits! Dwight dwight Do not panic! Angela angela Head towards the exits. Dwight dwight Safety partners. Angela angela Get up off your desks! Dwight dwight Do not panic. Angela angela [in phone] No, I don't hear it? Alright. Oscar oscar No, panic is warranted! Dwight dwight Go in single file lines. Angela angela [in phone] No, no. Finish the... Oscar oscar This is not at drill! Dwight dwight Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides! Angela angela Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively! Dwight dwight Go, let's go. Angela angela This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow! Dwight dwight This is not a test! Can you leave?! Dwight dwight Oh, you say that every time. Phyllis phyllis DO YOU WANT TO DIE? Dwight dwight Oh, boy... Phyllis phyllis Do you want to die? OUT!! Dwight dwight Alright, let's go, let's go. Angela angela STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim? Dwight dwight Come on, you're safety partners! Angela angela Move to the exits! Dwight dwight You're safety partners! Angela angela We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! [Spots Kelly] Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you! Dwight dwight I'm okay! Kelly kelly Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose. Dwight dwight Let go of me! Kelly kelly Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW! Dwight dwight Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. Michael michael Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two. Michael michael Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he? Dwight dwight So what was rule two? Michael michael Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act. Ryan ryan Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower. Michael michael Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off. Dwight dwight Okay, uh, well, one is taken. Michael michael Uh, okay, two? Ryan ryan NO! Dwight dwight Okay... uh, sorry? Ryan ryan Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today. Dwight dwight Well, he needs a permanent number, right? Michael michael No. Ryan ryan ...I don't. Ryan ryan Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers. Dwight dwight Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges. Michael michael That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers... Dwight dwight I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Stanley is the "crossword puzzle guy". And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy". Ryan ryan Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do? Jim jim Ooh. Stanley stanley And, um... Jim jim ...Would You Rather? Pam pam Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game. Jim jim [to firemen] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a... Dwight dwight Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela. Jim jim The Bible. Angela angela That's one book. You've got two others. Stanley stanley A Purpose Driven Life. Angela angela Nice. Third book? Jim jim No. Angela angela Okay. Phyllis. Jim jim Um, The DaVinci Code. Phyllis phyllis The DaVinci Code! Angela angela Nice. Jim jim I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code. Angela angela Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: Dwight dwight Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it? Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan Okay. Thought people read more books. Jim jim DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith? Jim jim Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County... Meredith meredith Wow. Jim jim Legends of the Fall? Pam pam Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... . Jim jim Well, I kind of liked Legal... Pam pam Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable. Jim jim I take it back. Pam pam Unforgivable. Jim jim I take it back! Pam pam Good. Jim jim ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene... Meredith meredith Is this your car, Ryan? Dwight dwight Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh? Michael michael [to Dwight] Don't... Ryan ryan Good shocks. Dwight dwight Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for... Michael michael That's actually a test prep book. Ryan ryan ...for Phone. What? Michael michael That's a test prep for business school. Ryan ryan Um, oh, thinking about business school? Michael michael I just got in. I applied, I go at night. Ryan ryan Really? Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan So you think you know a lot about business? Michael michael No, not yet. Ryan ryan Uh huh. Michael michael Just started. Ryan ryan Yeah. Quiz me. Michael michael I... wouldn't even know where to start. Ryan ryan Come on, egghead. Let's do it. Michael michael Do it. Dwight dwight Quiz me up. Michael michael All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years? Ryan ryan Uh... Michael michael When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me. Michael michael Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer? Ryan ryan Keep an existing... Dwight dwight [to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal. Michael michael It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer. Ryan ryan Okay. Yes! It was a trick question. Michael michael Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks. Dwight dwight Okay, Dwight. Michael michael Self taught. You didn't even go to college. Dwight dwight You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about. Michael michael [scoffs] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh? Dwight dwight For instance, why don't you go to business... Michael michael [to Ryan] You should learn from him, right? Dwight dwight I am. Ryan ryan Right? Dwight dwight I am. Ryan ryan Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will. Michael michael Stupid! Dwight dwight I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. Michael michael Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be? Michael michael It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base. Ryan ryan You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me. Michael michael Pam? Get us back into it. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Five movies. Go ahead. Jim jim Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused... Pam pam Ooh, definitely in my top five. Jim jim Yes. In my top three, so suck it. Pam pam What? Jim jim Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and... Pam pam Okay that's five. Jim jim No, my all time favorite! Pam pam Pam, play by the rules. Jim jim All time favorite. Pam pam Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie. Jim jim The Crow. Dwight dwight I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think? Michael michael Maybe we should get some air. Ryan ryan Nah, I'm okay. Michael michael I'm really uncomfortable. Ryan ryan All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do? Jim jim Present company excluded? Kevin kevin Um, not neccessari... Jim jim Pam. Kevin kevin Pam. Oscar oscar Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then... Jim jim ["Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.] Think you've had too much / in this life. Song song Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back. Jim jim Okay, um... Stanley stanley Dwight. Dwight. Jim jim Everybody hurts, Song song Come on Dwight! Use words. Jim jim Sometim... . Song song Why didn't I go to business school? Dwight dwight Who goes to business school? Jim jim The temp. Dwight dwight He does? Jim jim Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore. Dwight dwight You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'. Pam pam He doesn't even know that I do that. Dwight dwight You should tell him. Pam pam Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. Dwight dwight Dwight. Pam pam What? Jim jim I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway. Dwight dwight You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them. Jim jim Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins. Dwight dwight Yeah. You're right. Jim jim Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time. Dwight dwight Kay. Pam pam Everybody hurts Song song Alright buddy. Jim jim Everybody cries Song song Hey! Guys, what's going on? Roy roy Nothing. Jim jim Hey! Pam pam Everybody hurts Song song What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit? Roy roy Sometimes Song song The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes. Roy roy Come on people, you know the rules of the game now. Stanley stanley Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here? Michael michael Okay. It's called Who Would You Do? Stanley stanley Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy? Michael michael Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond? Roy roy My name is Angela. Angela angela Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you. Roy roy Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do? Michael michael Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling. Jim jim Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business. Michael michael You're all gay. Roy roy Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo... Michael michael [answers phone] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing. Ryan ryan Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So... Michael michael Would that make you happy? Dwight dwight What's that? Michael michael If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy? Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael I'm on it. Dwight dwight Dwight. Hey! Michael michael You can't go in yet! Angela angela Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen. Michael michael What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him. Kevin kevin I didn't say it to him. I said it about him. Michael michael ...Jim. Meredith meredith Definitely Jim. Phyllis phyllis Definitely, definitely, Jim. Kelly kelly Come on, Pam. Phyllis phyllis How about you Pam? Kelly kelly Um... Oscar's kind of cute. Pam pam Yeah, I like Oscar. Phyllis phyllis Ooh, Toby! Pam pam [in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either. Michael michael Is there anybody else. Meredith meredith [clears his throat] Kevin kevin [on the phone] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs... Jim jim Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find. Michael michael What's your number? Ryan ryan I gave it to you in the car. Michael michael Um... Ryan ryan I saw you program it in. Michael michael You got to... you got to give it to me again. Ryan ryan Okay. Alright. Michael michael Now I have it. Ryan ryan Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir... Michael michael [coughing] Dwight dwight Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh. Michael michael [coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing. Dwight dwight Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school. Michael michael That's exactly what I said. Dwight dwight Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan? Michael michael Were you absent? Dwight dwight Toaster Oven 101? Michael michael You failed? Dwight dwight I am so sorry. Ryan ryan Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans. Michael michael I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? [sings to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning! Dwight dwight [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning-- {Dwight} and {Michael} dwight michael Everybody! Dwight dwight [singing] ...since the world was turning. Michael michael I can't believe I started the fire. Ryan ryan [sing gibberish to "We Didn't Start the Fire"] {Dwight} and {Michael} dwight michael [singing] ... Marilyn Monroe! Dwight dwight [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning... {Dwight} and {Michael} dwight michael Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it! Dwight dwight Hi! Katy katy Hey. Jim jim How are you? Katy katy Good, how are you? Jim jim I'm good. It's good to see you. Katy katy Good to see you, too. Jim jim I'm hungry. Katy katy Yeah, I am too. Jim jim Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers. Katy katy What answers? Jim jim Um, for the... the desert island. Katy katy Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. [to everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. [to Katy] Desert Island. Five movies. Go. Jim jim Okay, um, first, Legally Blond. Katy katy I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car. Pam pam Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch? Jim jim Okay. Katy katy Yeah? Jim jim Alright! You want to drive? Katy katy Sure. Jim jim Alright. Katy katy [looking at Roy and Pam] They are soo cute. Katy katy I'm really sorry, Dwight. Ryan ryan Answer me this, though. Dwight dwight What? Ryan ryan Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp? Dwight dwight No. Ryan ryan Was it worth it? Kevin kevin Really? Dwight dwight I'm really sorry, Dwight. Ryan ryan The fire guy! The fire guy! Dwight dwight [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! Dwight dwight Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer. Michael michael Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. Michael michael I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow. Michael michael Seventy and clear, that's nice. Where's that? Jim jim That's here. Pam pam I'm Michael's number two. He's one, I'm two. He's Alpha, I'm Beta. He's A, I'm B. It's easy. Whatever Michael is, I'm one less. Dwight dwight Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Michael michael I know Michael's every move. It's not something you can just pick up. I could write a book about him. Literally. I started once, but Michael made me stop. Dwight dwight Hey, how's it going, man? Dwight dwight Good. What's up? Ryan ryan Oh, nothing much. What's up with you? Dwight dwight I'm good, thanks. Ryan ryan Good. Good, I'm good, too. How's it cracking? Dwight dwight Uh, fine. What's up? Ryan ryan You know what you would love? Guns N' Roses. When I was your age, I loved Guns N' Roses. Do you like Guns N' Roses? I'll make you a tape. Dwight dwight Cool. Ryan ryan I'll make you two tapes. Dwight dwight I don't have a tape player. So... Ryan ryan Someday, temp. I've got a couple of shirts that don't fit so well anymore. I'll bring them by. Okay, see you later. Dwight dwight Michael and I have a very special connection, like an umbilical cord. And the thing is with Ryan is that I don't want him to trip on it, or get it caught around his neck. Dwight dwight Sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight. [snickering] Sixty-nine. Seventy. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three. Kevin kevin I like fire drills. You know what's the greatest? Like, when you were in school and the teacher would let you have class outside. Pam pam Oh, the best. Jim jim Yeah, it was great because it was like you're supposed to be working, but nothing ever gets done. Pam pam Yeah, we had outside classes all the time and we never did anything. Jim jim [chuckling] Pam pam Actually if I had fewer outside classes, I probably wouldn't be stuck here at a paper company. Jim jim You're not stuck. Pam pam Yes, there is a real fire, but it's okay. Everyone got out fine. This is why you practice these things. Angela angela Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship. Michael michael Okay, DVDs. Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Toby, go ahead. Jim jim Say Anything, The Shining, Annie Hall, that's too obvious. Toby toby Those are like my favorite movies. I didn't really think you could win Desert Island, but I think you just did. Jim jim Toy Story 2, one of the best movies I ever saw. I went for my daughter and stayed because you can't leave your daughter in a theater. Toby toby Toby and I used to sit together until Michael moved us because he thought we talked too much. Jim jim Really? Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Kevin, do it. Jim jim Uh, Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run II, [snickering] Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's II, and, oh, Groundhog Day. Kevin kevin Groundhog Day. Jim jim I have a client who watches that movie once a week, at least. Stanley stanley Really? Kevin kevin I should put you in touch with him. Maybe we could get together and work on that account. Stanley stanley I would love that. Kevin kevin Okay, guys, guys, guys. That almost sounded like business, and we are trying to focus here today, okay? Jim jim When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have. Michael michael And then you go to school for three years. Jim jim For two years, and it's only at night, and then it's on your resume forever. Ryan ryan Wow. And just out of curiosity, how much is it? Jim jim $650 bucks Ryan ryan A semester? Jim jim A credit. Ryan ryan Wow. Jim jim It's an investment. Ryan ryan Oh, yeah, it sounds like it. Jim jim I think it's worth it. Ryan ryan If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing. Michael michael