[yelling] Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of- Dwight dwight Too loud. Jim jim -the party planning committee... Dwight dwight Too, too loud. Too Loud. Jim jim But effective, look! [everyone turns to pay attention] On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas. Dwight dwight Merry Christmas. Everyone everyone Merry Christmas. Good. Dwight dwight My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed. Dwight dwight It is time to unveil the tree. Dwight dwight Hey, Rockefeller Center! Oscar oscar Yeah. Jim jim Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that. Ryan ryan This is all we have. Jim jim Ugh. Ryan ryan No, it's not "ugh." It is... office camaraderie. Jim jim It is warm feelings. Dwight dwight Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it? Meredith meredith Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join] Dwight dwight Why would you start so high? Jim jim Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ... Dwight dwight Three, two, one! [pulls sheet to reveal Christmas tree] Jim jim Ooh. Phyllis phyllis Ah! Pam pam You didn't decorate it? Phyllis phyllis No. Jim jim Exactly. Dwight dwight We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together. Jim jim Everyone. Dwight dwight Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up? Andy andy Is it, is it fake? Pam pam Pam! Jim jim Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die... Dwight dwight Yes. Jim jim Like the spirit of Christmas! Dwight dwight We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree? Stanley stanley This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas! Dwight dwight Hello. Sorry guys. [louder, face is scratched up.] Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas? As my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop. Erin erin What psycho would send that as a gift? [Kelly hugs Erin] Kelly kelly I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds? [six geese are inside Erin's car] Andy andy Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus! Phyllis phyllis Hey Santa! Dwight dwight They finally let you do it! Oscar oscar Yeah! Phyllis phyllis Congrats Phil! Kevin kevin It's so edgy! Erin erin I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [she awkwardly hugs Jim] It's been a long journey... but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus! Phyllis phyllis So Santa, what can we expect from this party? Pam pam It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good! Phyllis phyllis What if you've been bad? Creed creed Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you! Phyllis phyllis What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong? Creed creed Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal! Jim jim Yeah. Phyllis phyllis For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea, for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail! Dwight dwight You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box! Pam pam That's funny. Oscar oscar Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting, than funny. [she walks over to see Oscar at the window looking down on man catching a football in parking lot] I think my water just broke! Pam pam That's too funny. Oscar oscar Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy! Pam pam Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy] Michael michael Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis. Pam pam What the hell is going on? Michael michael Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa? Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim Phyllis? Michael michael Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it. Jim jim Take it back. That is absurd. Michael michael No, I'm not gonna do that. Jim jim No? No! Jim! Come on! Michael michael I think she's doing a good job. Jim jim It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on! Michael michael I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa. Jim jim Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those. Michael michael If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore. Michael michael [santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt! Michael michael [mutters] Okay... Group group No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name? Michael michael Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap. Kevin kevin Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well. Michael michael When can I sit on your lap? Kevin kevin Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God. Michael michael That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps] Kevin kevin What would you like for Christmas little boy? Michael michael I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that. Kevin kevin What did you think was going to happen? Michael michael I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before. Kevin kevin All right, just say "some toys" please. Michael michael Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list. Kevin kevin Damn it Kevin, come on. Michael michael What about if I tell you the things I don't want? Kevin kevin Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God! Michael michael I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted! Kevin kevin Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again. Michael michael Awesome. Kevin kevin Well? Phyllis phyllis I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa. Jim jim The only Santa. Phyllis phyllis That's what I want. Jim jim You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved! Phyllis phyllis What would Bob do? Jim jim Never mind, I shouldn't have said that. Phyllis phyllis Does it hurt? Andy andy It stings a lot. Erin erin Hmm. Andy andy I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts. Erin erin I know, right? Andy andy So far no one will admit to it. Erin erin Huh! Andy andy Is it you? [Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs] Erin erin Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me. Andy andy Seriously? Erin erin "Seriously?" Are you serious? Andy andy What? Erin erin Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted! Andy andy There he is. Oscar oscar Hey. Darryl darryl Is Matt around? I got his check. Oscar oscar Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it. Darryl darryl Ah, I'll just... wait for him. Oscar oscar Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think? Darryl darryl I'll just leave it here with you. [drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks] Oscar oscar Ryan come here! Michael michael Whoa, whoa. Ryan ryan Come on, come on. Michael michael I'm doing something over here. Ryan ryan Ahhh... Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here! Michael michael What are you talking about? Ryan ryan Just sit down! Michael michael No no no. Ryan ryan Hey hey hey. Everything okay? Jim jim Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun! Michael michael Can I just talk to you for a second? Jim jim Whoop! Okay, what? Michael michael You can't yell out "I need this, I need this" as you pin down an employee on your lap! Jim jim Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless! Michael michael Yup. Jim jim Do you understand, you forced my hand? Michael michael Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa. Jim jim Oh, do we? Do "We?" Is that what "we" want? Why don't "we" take a vote on it? Michael michael Great! Jim jim Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are- Michael michael Who wants Phyllis as Santa? [most everyone raises their hand] Jim jim No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we -[Dwight counts the raised hands] Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me? Michael michael Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis. Kevin kevin And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand. [Michael, then Dwight raises hand] Can I get you some punch? Jim jim I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat into punch] Michael michael Aw, Michael! Everyone everyone Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger. Dwight dwight How do you know it's a gun? Phyllis phyllis What else does it look like? Dwight dwight Not a gun. Stanley stanley Well I don't have all the pieces yet. Dwight dwight Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun. Stanley stanley Not a gun. [crosses gun off his "what could it be" list] Dwight dwight In the North Pole I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a twinkle in Ole Kris Kringle's eye! Let the party begin! [Dwight plugs in tree lights, office applauds.] Phyllis phyllis I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. "Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me. Michael michael Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget. Michael michael Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is. Toby toby Oh the Anti-Christ! Michael michael You can't, [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion. Toby toby Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying? Michael michael No! Toby toby Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company! Michael michael Hey Phyllis, could you not reveal to Erin that I'm her Secret Santa? Andy andy All right sweetie, I'll tell her its Michael. Phyllis phyllis Okay. Andy andy [singing] I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day... {Kelly} and {Erin} kelly erin Have you talked to him? Pam pam Who? Oscar oscar Matt? Pam pam Is it that obvious? [Pam starts towards Matt] No- hey... Oscar oscar Mmm! Good pate, right? [Matt nods yes] Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar? Pam pam I don't think so. Matt matt Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate. Pam pam I had some. Matt matt Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right? Pam pam Okay Pam. Oscar oscar Okay. Pam pam Yes! They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together. Pam pam This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch! Phyllis phyllis We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package] Dwight dwight [on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit? Michael michael Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part] Dwight dwight Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts... Michael michael Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year - Phyllis phyllis I have. Stanley stanley [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get? Michael michael He got scented candles! Kevin kevin [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley. Michael michael Amen. Angela angela And this brings us to you, little one. Phyllis phyllis [on microphone] I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up. Michael michael It's fabric! I really wanted this. Angela angela [on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet. Michael michael Andy, is this you? Angela angela [on microphone] No! Michael michael It's a secret. Phyllis phyllis [on microphone] Andy had Erin. Michael michael Nnnnya. Andy andy [on microphone] What? Was I not supposed to say it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back on. Michael michael No. [Michael gets up and walks into his office] Jim jim Yes Michael, what is so urgent? David Wallace david-wallace David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as. Michael michael I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up. David Wallace david-wallace I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards. Michael michael Michael... David Wallace david-wallace I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa. Michael michael Michael- David Wallace david-wallace What? Michael michael This is a very very bad time. David Wallace david-wallace Really? What's going on? Michael michael Stephanie, can you hop off please? David Wallace david-wallace Sure David. [disconnect] Stephanie stephanie What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time? Michael michael Do you want me off the call too Michael? Erin erin Hey! Get off! Get off the phone! Michael michael Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house. David Wallace david-wallace What does that mean? Michael michael I'll be fired. David Wallace david-wallace Well, can't Alan protect you? Michael michael Alan will be out too. All of us. David Wallace david-wallace All of us? Michael michael Goodbye Michael. David Wallace david-wallace Oh my God. Michael michael Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into. Michael michael Hey. How's everybody doing? Michael michael Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half. Jim jim That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus. Michael michael Are you serious? This is so offensive. Angela angela You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room. Michael michael What's your pin number? Dwight dwight I don't want to say. But, "it's fun to stay at the -" [nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know] Michael michael "It's fun to stay at the -" Michael michael Where? Holiday Inn? I don't ... Dwight dwight [gestures the YMCA dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves] Michael michael I, I thought that you would like it. Andy andy It was a little much Andy. Erin erin Well it's the thought that counts. Andy andy What were you thinking? [Andy freezes] Erin erin I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel, at this point. Guess what? Not gonna happen. Andy andy You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?" Michael michael What? Jim jim How could we do what? [general murmur] Pam pam It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices] Michael michael We deserve to know. Stanley stanley I didn't say anything! Michael michael If you know something Michael... Angela angela We're going out of business! Michael michael WHAT? Group group What? Jim jim You are kidding me! Dwight dwight Wait wait wait, who said that? Jim jim David told me on the phone. David told me. Michael michael When? When did he tell you? Today? Dwight dwight Earlier today. Michael michael Awww! Dwight dwight He said, we have been sold. [upset murmurs] Michael michael What? Jim jim Aaaarrhh! [kicks over Christmas tree] Dwight dwight Dwight! Jesus! Michael michael Come on! Angela angela Michael, wait. So they said we are sold? Jim jim David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone. Michael michael Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things. Jim jim It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith. Michael michael No, I get it. Meredith meredith I'll call him. I'll call David. Michael michael No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone. Jim jim Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him. Michael michael He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom. Michael michael Hey Sweetie, what is it? David Wallace david-wallace It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott. Michael michael What the hell? David Wallace david-wallace Stephanie could you hop off please? Michael michael Michael, I have never- David Wallace david-wallace David! Michael michael Ever, ever... David Wallace david-wallace David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse. Michael michael Hey David. Dwight dwight Hi David! [group hellos] Kelly kelly Hello everyone. David Wallace david-wallace David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned. Michael michael You weren't supposed to tell anyone Michael. David Wallace david-wallace Well I think we're past that now. Michael michael I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know. David Wallace david-wallace Oh my God, David. That's horrible. Jim jim How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman. Meredith meredith Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations. David Wallace david-wallace We're not fired? Michael michael No! No, and congratulations. David Wallace david-wallace Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It's a Christmas miracle! Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees] Michael michael [singing] I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. [Meredith and Madge help right the Christmas tree] Dwight dwight It's true. We all walk alone. Dwight dwight [opens "New Moon" poster] Jim.... Jim! [Hugs him] Kelly kelly [singing] My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating... Dwight dwight [opening kite from Ryan] Wow! Cause... [reveals Kite Runner book] Toby toby Yeah! That was the idea. Ryan ryan Thank you! Toby toby Awesome! Ryan ryan Thanks man! [awkwardly tries to hug Ryan, pats him on the back] Toby toby [singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging... Kevin kevin Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his gift] Michael michael I have no idea. Dwight dwight Huh. Well, maybe those will help. [puts bag of walnuts on his desk] Michael michael Michael? Please! Come on! Dwight dwight Nice to meet you Oscar. Matt matt Nice to meet you Mark! Oscar oscar It's Matt. Matt matt Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what I'm doing, Pam. Oscar oscar Oh man! [Dwight dropped a walnut into the nutcracker] I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails... Dwight dwight Hi Santa. Michael michael Hi Michael. [Michael sits on her lap] Mm. 'kay. Phyllis phyllis I'd like to make a wish. Michael michael What? Phyllis phyllis I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry. Michael michael An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy. Phyllis phyllis Scott! What in the hell is going on here? [Bob enters dressed as Santa too] Bob Vance bob-vance No Bob, we worked it out. Phyllis phyllis You called Bob? Michael michael I'm sorry, Phyllis phyllis Come on! Phyllis! Michael michael I'm really sorry. It was earlier today. Phyllis phyllis Okay. Michael michael Hi sweetie. Phyllis phyllis You okay baby? Bob bob I'm good baby. [they kiss, both dressed as Santa] Phyllis phyllis Oh God. Get a room Santas! Michael michael Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays. Michael michael It's real slippery out here. [sound of drummer's starts] Dwight dwight Oh my God! Jim jim Twelve drummers drumming. [marching drum band lines up to perform, Andy steps out with cymbals] Pam pam Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys! [dances along to the drumming] Andy andy