You wanted to see me? Andy andy Yeah, Have a seat. Michael michael Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scared. Andy andy Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk. Michael michael Why would people say that? Andy andy I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard] Can you read that back to me? Michael michael Andy have a boo-boo tummy. Andy andy Mmm-hmm. Michael michael Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?" Andy andy Okay. Michael michael "Crazy diarrhea happening right now?" Cause things can get real adult real fast. Andy andy You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "nummies," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand." Michael michael Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy. Andy andy You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies. Michael michael Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying. Andy andy Okay, who said that? Michael michael I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic. Andy andy [Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops. Michael michael [baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis. Andy andy [as Elvis] You're welcome, baby. Michael michael Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news. Andy andy Wait, are you the patient or the doctor? Jim jim The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays. Andy andy Wow, what do you put our chances at? Jim jim 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat! Andy andy Hmm, sounds risky. Jim jim Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one. Andy andy Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron. Andy andy Wow, that's not such a bad idea. Jim jim Great! [sits down] Andy andy Anything else? Jim jim Nope! [stands up and leaves] Andy andy Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those. Erin erin Keep. Michael michael There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say "Delivered." Should I delete all of those? Erin erin I want to keep those so I can see what I sent. Michael michael That's why you have a "Sent Mail" folder. Erin erin Keep. Michael michael There's about 30 news alerts for "Nip Slip." Erin erin For what? Michael michael "Nip slip." Erin erin Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there... Michael michael Well... Erin erin Must be hackers. Michael michael Hey. What's up? Jim jim What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend? Michael michael Did you murder someone? Jim jim Worse than that. Michael michael Oh, my God. Erin erin Lurk much? [Erin leaves] I miss Pam. Michael michael I think she's okay. Jim jim Is that what we're going for now? "okay?" We used to go for "pretty good." Michael michael Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program? Jim jim Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but... Michael michael You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager. Jim jim Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month. Michael michael It would look bad. Sorry. Jim jim It would look good, on my mantle. Michael michael Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea! Andy andy Yeah! Your idea. Dwight dwight My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired. Dwight dwight Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory? Erin erin [glances at it] Looks great. Pam pam Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't. Erin erin Okay. [picks up and reads sheet] The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence? Pam pam There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox. Michael michael What's "Scott's Tots?" Phyllis phyllis Has it really been ten years? Stanley stanley [shows newspaper article and reads] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders" Stanley stanley Michael, why did you promise that? Pam pam To change lives. Michael michael No Michael, why would you promise that? Pam pam Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this. Michael michael We've already rescheduled seven times. Erin erin Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done. Pam pam Well... Michael michael It's terrible. Pam pam No. Michael michael Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get. Pam pam I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous. Michael michael Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right? Michael michael No! Pam pam I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right. Michael michael You have to tell them. Pam pam Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin] Michael michael I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it. Erin erin It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth. Pam pam Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse? Michael michael Hey Jimmy, what's up? Dwight dwight Not much. Jim jim Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office. Dwight dwight [laughs] Thanks Dwight. Jim jim That laugh is so infectious. Dwight dwight You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go. Jim jim I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work. Dwight dwight Let me guess, you think you should get it. Jim jim This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize. Dwight dwight Well, in an ideal world... Jim jim In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching. Dwight dwight Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away "Survival Skills" and "Self-defense." Jim jim I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data. Dwight dwight That's okay, I'll do it. Jim jim Mr. Scott? Mikela mikela Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you? Michael michael I'm good. Mikela mikela Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone? Michael michael It's in the music room, Mr. Scott. Mikela mikela Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind. Michael michael Wow! Erin erin Well, you didn't even hear it. Michael michael Everyone's so excited that you're here today. Mikela mikela Oh, good. Michael michael Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first? Mikela mikela Sure. Michael michael [points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room] You're famous. Erin erin I'm sure you remember this place. Mikela mikela Oh, yeah. Michael michael Do you want to go in? Mikela mikela No, not at all. Nope, come on. Michael michael Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just... Michael michael We just want to say thanks. Mikela mikela Oh. Michael michael [cheering] Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Students students Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you. Teacher teacher [getting up and dancing] Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Students students You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable! Lefevre lefevre Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Students students Wow! Michael michael Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in- Dwight dwight Hey. Kevin kevin So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing. Dwight dwight Jim said that? Kevin kevin He thought you were doing an incredible job last month. Dwight dwight Jim said that? Kevin kevin You seem suprised. Dwight dwight No, no, that makes total sense. Kevin kevin Hey buddy, so every- Dwight dwight Sure. [puts in the twenty] Oscar oscar Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule. Dwight dwight Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much. Teacher teacher There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama. Lefevre lefevre [crying] Oh, God. Oh, God. Michael michael Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is? Jim jim Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert. Andy andy Huh? What? Everyone everyone Are you kidding me? Oscar oscar Oh, no! Dwight dwight Okay, wait, I was not... I did not- Jim jim I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not? Kevin kevin Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score. Jim jim To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us. Angela angela Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize. Jim jim Yes! Angela angela Dwight? Jim jim Yeah, you said "In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize." Isn't that what you said? Dwight dwight No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But- Jim jim Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money. Phyllis phyllis Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott. Teacher teacher All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "A" gym and "B" gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go? Michael michael Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period Teacher teacher Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name? Michael michael I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother. Zion zion Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry. Michael michael I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Michael michael You lied to us. Mikela mikela I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place. Michael michael You owe this to us! Lefevre lefevre Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you. Michael michael [yelling] Students students Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium. Michael michael Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway. Jim jim Correction. It was my idea. Andy andy Okay. Jim jim My idea! Dwight dwight Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant. Creed creed Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on. Pam pam That's fair. Phyllis phyllis Excellent idea, Pam. Dwight dwight Thank you. Pam pam That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert. Andy andy How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible? Phyllis phyllis There must be some reasonable explanation for this. Dwight dwight No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month. Pam pam Oh, really? From what, two to four? Andy andy Yup. Pam pam Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay? Jim jim Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert. Delivery Man delivery-man Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake. Jim jim Look who it is! [shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim] Kevin kevin "It could only be you!" Way to go. Angela angela He knew all along! Dwight dwight I'm going to have some cake. Kelly kelly David Wallace's office. Stephanie stephanie [imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there? Dwight dwight No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message? Stephanie stephanie Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam. Dwight dwight [imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace. Dwight dwight [imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here. Dwight dwight Hey, Mr. Scott. Lefevre lefevre Erin, can you give us a second? Michael michael That was messed up what you did. Lefevre lefevre Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry. Michael michael Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that? Lefevre lefevre What can I do? Michael michael You can pay for my college. Lefevre lefevre I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay? Michael michael They're expensive. Lefevre lefevre Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right? Michael michael It's about $1,000. Lefevre lefevre Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year. Michael michael No, $1,000 each year. Lefevre lefevre For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around. Michael michael Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa. Lefevre lefevre That's a lot of zeroes. Michael michael This is Jim. Jim jim Jim, what the hell is happening there? David Wallace david-wallace Hey, uh David. Jim jim Yes. David Wallace david-wallace So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it. Jim jim Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife? David Wallace david-wallace No. Jim jim Am I missing something? David Wallace david-wallace I really don't know how it happened, David. Jim jim I know how it happened. Dwight dwight [Dwight is listening to the recording-pen from Jim's office] None none Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion. David Wallace david-wallace All right, it will not happen again. I promise. Jim jim Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you. David Wallace david-wallace No! Dwight dwight It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right? David Wallace david-wallace What? Dwight dwight Yeah. Thank you. Jim jim No. Dwight dwight Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend? David Wallace david-wallace What? Dwight dwight Yes. Jim jim Okay. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, you're kidding me! Dwight dwight See you. Jim jim Damn it! Dwight dwight Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do-- Erin erin Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today. Michael michael No. Erin erin Yes. Michael michael No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy. Erin erin You're what, like, 12? Michael michael The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think. Erin erin I think you're doing a great job. Michael michael Really? Erin erin What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business? Michael michael I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant. Erin erin Really? Michael michael Yes, but I'm terrible at math so... Erin erin You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse. Michael michael Seriously? Erin erin Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too. Michael michael Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. {Michael} and {Erin} michael erin See you tomorrow, Dwight. Jim jim Apparently. Dwight dwight How's it going? Good day? Ryan ryan Not now, Temp. Dwight dwight Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan. Ryan ryan What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... [Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan] Dwight dwight I found a copy of it in the copier tray. Ryan ryan So what do you want? Dwight dwight I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in. Ryan ryan