This is ridiculous. Stanley stanley Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here? Phyllis phyllis Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight? Michael michael Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working. Jim jim Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday. Michael michael Thank you Michael. Dwight dwight All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there. Michael michael I think you did. Jim jim I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks? Michael michael Oh, I- Jim jim You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said. Michael michael Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit, he got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate. Jim jim Michael, what time should I be arriving? Dwight dwight Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy. Michael michael Hey-o! Andy andy Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? [breaks down crying] Dwight dwight Hi. Jan jan Hello. Michael michael Hi. Jim jim How are you? Jan jan Come on in. Good to see you. Michael michael Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe? Jan jan Yes I would. So, what have you been doing? Michael michael Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago? Jim jim Yeah. Michael michael I have been getting ready and then driving over here. Jim jim Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing. Michael michael Really? Jim jim Except driving. Michael michael We got you this. [gives a bottle of wine] Pam pam Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with. Jan jan Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa. Michael michael It's really nice. Pam pam So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first? Jan jan Tour, let's do the tour first. Jim jim Okay. Michael michael Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first? Jan jan Totally your call babe. Michael michael Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs. Jan jan Oh, you guys doing a little construction? Jim jim Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door. Michael michael Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here. Jan jan Well, thats... Michael michael This is my office. Jan jan Yep, never been used. Michael michael Not super exciting. Jan jan No. Michael michael And this is my workspace. Jan jan This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say "Serenity by Jan"] Michael michael Uh-huh. Pam pam As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here. Michael michael So you have an office and a workspace? Pam pam I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. [puts a candle to Jim's nose] Smell. Jan jan It's fire. Jim jim Uh-huh, Bonfire. Jan jan Bond. Michael michael Men love this one. Jan jan James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue] Michael michael When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away. Jan jan Just like that. Jim jim Just like that. Jan jan So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white. Jan jan Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color. Michael michael [puts away video camera facing the bed] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up. Jan jan Well, I- Michael michael Shame on you. Jan jan What a cute bench. Pam pam Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy. Michael michael Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short. Jim jim It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down] Michael michael See, he fits perfectly. Jan jan I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall. Michael michael Wow. Jim jim Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table. Michael michael What is that chestnut? Jim jim No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry. Michael michael It's pine. Jan jan Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool. Jim jim Really? Jan jan Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week. Pam pam If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away. Michael michael I bet you are. Jan jan Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see. Jim jim It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said "Honey keep the trophies." Jan jan Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies. Michael michael [doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second. Jan jan I'll get it. Michael michael [Andy and Angela enter] So glad you're finally able to be here. Jan jan [Michael tries to hug Angela] No, no. Angela angela Okay. Michael michael Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands flowers] Andy andy Oh, how thoughtful. Jan jan Very nice. Michael michael Except for one flower, which is for... my flower. Andy andy Aw. Jan jan What am I supposed to do with this? Angela angela How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner? Jan jan Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it. Pam pam Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done. Jan jan Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00? Pam pam You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight. Jan jan When in Rome. Michael michael Do you have a preference, upstairs first? Jan jan Whatever you say babe. Michael michael Follow me. Jan jan All right. Michael michael How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends. Michael michael Cheers. All all Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth. Michael michael What was that? Jim jim So music, should we turn some music? Jan jan Yeah that sounds good. Michael michael Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter. Jan jan You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah. {Hunter}'s CD hunters-cd You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him. Michael michael Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me. Jan jan Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes. Angela angela [To camera] I don't care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party. Pam pam [playing charades] No it's a... hump. There's a hump. Andy andy Joe Camel! Jan jan Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital. Andy andy Montana. Pam pam Oh! Jan jan Joe Montana! Pam pam Yes! Yes. Andy andy Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback? Pam pam All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn. Michael michael Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down? Jan jan What, no, I'm just making people laugh. Michael michael No. Jan jan Yes, I was watching Jim's face. Michael michael I was watching Jim. Jan jan And he was laughing. Michael michael No smiling. Jan jan Look at him, he's laughing. Michael michael Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make a run for it. [holds cellphone] Jim jim You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage. Jim jim Oh okay. Pam pam Well you don't need two of you to do that. Michael michael That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much. Jim jim Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself. Pam pam I don't know because I everything I own is there. Jim jim You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party. Pam pam That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right. Michael michael Michael, you're up. Andy andy All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom- Michael michael No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes. Jan jan All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE. Michael michael I don't know. Angela angela Katie Holmes. Jim jim No, Baah! But he's married to her! Michael michael Oh, Dawson's Creek. Jim jim No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger. Michael michael No rhyming! Jan jan Not really a rhyme. Jim jim Another clue, another clue. Angela angela Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator. Michael michael Those aren't helpful. Angela angela Tom Cruise! Jim jim No! Michael michael Time! Andy andy God, does anybody read the paper?! Michael michael [Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering] Oh, thank you. Pam pam You're welcome. Michael michael [eyes Pam] I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it? Jan jan I don't like that story babe. Michael michael Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck! Jan jan Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible. Michael michael You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil. Jan jan Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me! Michael michael You shouldn't joke about that. Angela angela Is there more wine in the kitchen? Pam pam I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip. Jan jan [checking the oven] Uh, not even close. Jan jan So you keep a very tidy house. Angela angela You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam. Jan jan No, yeah. What? Pam pam Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated. Jan jan Oh, are you joking? Pam pam Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him. Jan jan I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever. Pam pam I've noticed how you look at him at the office. Angela angela Mmhmm. Jan jan [in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles. Michael michael Oh no she just put it in front of my face. Jim jim Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of "Serenity by Jan" What do you think about that? Michael michael Thought about it, I'm in. Andy andy I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company? Jim jim I'm sorry. [doorbell rings] What now? Michael michael Coming! [Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler] Jan jan Hello. Dwight dwight What are you doing here? Jan jan We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right? Dwight dwight [whispering] Awesome. Pam pam What is he doing here? Jan jan Yes, What are you doing here? Angela angela Dwight is my friend. Michael michael We weren't invited? Woman woman You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person. Michael michael Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want. Jan jan Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see? Michael michael We saw Wicked. Jan jan When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children. Michael michael I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a [bleep]ing kid. Jan jan Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away] Michael michael I hate my life. Jan jan So can we come in? Dwight dwight Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg. Dwight dwight [crying] I'm just gonna check on dinner. [Jan gets up from the table] Jan jan Angela, would you like some of my beet salad? Dwight dwight I hate beet salad. Angela angela It's actually really good. Woman woman Hey hey hey hey. [to Angela] I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times. Dwight dwight The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit. Angela angela [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food. Michael michael [whispers] Like... like what? Pam pam I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe. Michael michael Yeah it does. Andy andy I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover? Pam pam [Michael dips his steak into his wine] Can you not do that? It's disgusting. Jan jan You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that? Michael michael Oops. Jan jan Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table] Michael michael [to babysitter] So... how do you guys know each other? Jim jim I was his babysitter. Woman woman And now you guys are dating? Pam pam Purely carnal and that's all you need to know. Dwight dwight Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions... Jim jim E-mail? Woman woman Nevermind. Jim jim Ok... alright... here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay. Michael michael That's nice. Jim jim Everybody enjoying their meal? Michael michael Hey babe? Jan jan Yeah? Michael michael How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it. Jan jan No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together. Michael michael Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud] Jan jan [to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good. Michael michael At least he's an artist. Jan jan BFD. I'm a screenwriter. Michael michael [shouting] AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT! Jan jan NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS! Michael michael FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY! Jan jan MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES! Michael michael YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT! Jan jan OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER! Michael michael AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST! Jan jan [yells] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.] Michael michael I'm gonna get going. Woman woman Fine. Get outta here. Dwight dwight It's getting late. Jim jim You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon. Michael michael [Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door] Of course Jim jim Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.[to police] Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers? Dwight dwight Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance? Officer #1 officer Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party. Michael michael The neighbors said they heard some shouting. Officer #2 officer Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma. Michael michael You wanna press charges? Officer #1 officer Would she get into trouble? Michael michael Yes. She'd be charged. Officer officer I will take the fall. I did it. Michael michael You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet. Officer #2 officer [running out the door)] Michael! [pleading] Michael. What are you doing to him? Jan jan Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here? Officer #1 officer [puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder] Michael can come home with me. Dwight dwight Jim? Pam? Michael michael Oh... my apartment's on fire Jim jim [whispers] Flooded. Pam pam Flooded. Jim jim You people. [to Michael] Come on. You're sleeping with me. Dwight dwight No. Michael michael I'm gonna take you home Michael. Dwight dwight Nope. Michael michael Alright. [leads Michael away] Dwight dwight Bye Babe! Jan jan [Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim's car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs] This is the best burger I've ever had, babe. Pam pam You know, babe, I should have told you but... I did something bad. Jim jim Hmm? Pam pam [holds up Hunter's CD] I stole this. [Pam laughs] For you babe. Jim jim [Hunter's voice starts singing, Pam joins in] One night... Pam pam [Cut to Michael holding his head out of Dwight's car] None none [Cut to Andy and Angela in Andy's car eating Ice cream. Andy tries to steal a bite of Angela's. She rolls down the window and smashes it against his car] None none [Jan is watching Michael's cracked plasma screen TV and tries to fix his Dundie.] None none [Michael and Dwight slow at a red light and see the woman at the bus stop, she waves to Dwight, who passes her by.] None none My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room. Michael michael I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. "Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry." Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. [Dwight nods] But I don't acknowledge him. But I know he's an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five dead psychopaths at my dining room table. All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it's almost too easy. Dwight dwight A little amuse-bouche, anyone? Jan jan [to Jim, quietly] Food! Pam pam Okay, trivia! Does anyone know what that means? Jan jan I believe it means mouth pleaser. Andy andy Oh! Jan jan It's French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or, shall I say a semester at la mer, which is French for 'sea.' Andy andy Andy, was that coordinated by the Cornell Study Abroad Office? Angela angela Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Andy andy The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell. Angela angela [Michael comes out of the powder room to rejoin the group] Ahh, did you wash your hands, babe? Jan jan Yes, I did, for you, princess. Even though I only went number one. [quietly to Jim] I didn't really wash my hands. Ohhh, what have we here? This looks delicious. [picks up amuse-bouche tray] Michael michael [quietly] Not with your hands. Pam pam [touching and moving each amuse-bouche] They need to be presented... royally... anyone? Michael michael Mmm. [takes one and eats it] Andy andy Good stuff. All right. Let's get down to some wine drinking. Michael michael Oh, my God, [eating a bar in the hallway] I thought I was gonna pass out. [Jim takes it from her and takes a bite] Pam pam We should probably get back. Jim jim Mmm-mm. I'm probably just gonna stay here for a while, say I got lost. Pam pam [coming up suddenly] Are you eating? Jan jan It was just a little... Pam pam I didn't have anything, Jan. Jim jim Really, Pam. This is a dinner party. [walks away. Pam looks at Jim accusingly] Jan jan I'm sorry. She scares me. [walks away, Pam keeps eating] Jim jim Michael's dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn't initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. [looking around] If that idiot ever gets here. Dwight dwight So, this girl that I basically grew up with becomes Miss West Virginia, and then suddenly, all the boys start paying attention to me. And it was funny because, you know, I never even considered myself beautiful until people started pointing it out to me. You know, "Jan, wow, you are so much more beautiful than Miss West Virginia." [laughs] Ah, so that is why I uh... wait, Pam, what was your, what was your question?" Jan jan Where did you grow up? Pam pam It's been a rough couple of weeks. Michael michael Well, I just got into a little trouble with the neighbors. Jan jan Little trouble. Yes. Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift. Michael michael Wow, you did neighborhood watch? Pam pam Yes. Michael michael I did, and I had a very late shift and I had a little bit of wine and I fell asleep. Jan jan So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog... Michael michael Yeah. Jan jan And the neighbors blamed Jan. Michael michael Yeah. But, you know, it was my fault. Jan jan It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place. Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds... Michael michael Mm-hmm. Jan jan So... Michael michael Yeah. Jan jan Well. Michael michael It was me! Jan jan What's that? Jim jim I spray-painted that dog. It was sleek, and shiny, and perfect little haircut, it was parading around like it was God's gift to this God-forsaken town [laughs] and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went over there and I held down my knee and I just spray-painted it until I was good and done. [claps] It bit me on the arm, [reaches out and taps Jim] I didn't even feel it. Jan jan What are you doing to him? What... [sees neighbors' dog] is this about that stupid, ugly mutt? Jan jan She's a Weimaraner, you bitch! Neighbor neighbor Please, please. Don't hurt him, okay? Jan jan