I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel. Pam pam Bribery. Nice. Jim jim Oh, I have more. [Holds up bags of candy] Pam pam Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w-- Michael michael Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. [whispering] 'Cause of the... [points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign] Pam pam ... Oh, God is that today? Michael michael I reminded you last night. Pam pam Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in "Raw," and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in "Daddy Daycare." both great movies, but, still. Michael michael Well, I'll be in my office. Michael michael Don't you think you should say something? Pam pam They're cool. Michael michael Michael, I think that as the boss you should really-- Pam pam Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City. Michael michael [in unison] That's Batman. {Jim} and {Dwight} jim dwight Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? Michael michael The ocean. Jim jim [under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds. Michael michael [looks at Sasha] Mmm... hello tiny one. Dwight dwight [to Sasha] Come on. Toby toby You are the future! Dwight dwight This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's. Kevin kevin Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check. Kevin kevin Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa. Stanley stanley Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her. Michael michael I'm in eighth grade. Melissa melissa Oh. Michael michael She's in middle school. Stanley stanley Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time. Michael michael It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle. Michael michael [while Jake is throwing things at Michael] They want how many spiral pads? Michael michael Um, fif-well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order. Meredith meredith Okay. Michael michael I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter. Meredith meredith Can you put that down there? Angela angela Yep. [spreads tablecloth] Kelly kelly [to Sasha] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say. Toby toby Do you need any help? Sasha sasha No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves. Angela angela Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw. Toby toby Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela? Kelly kelly I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys. Angela angela God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies! Kelly kelly Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me. Ryan ryan [on phone] Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] ... Yes. We-yeah, they're very-they're different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow. Michael michael Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool. Pam pam No thanks. Abby abby I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one. Pam pam What are you reading? Jim jim From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Abby abby Aww, best book? Jim jim Yeah, but I've read it before. Abby abby Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be? Jim jim Definitely the Aquarium. Abby abby Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped. Jim jim Sure. Abby abby Really? Jim jim Mmhmm! Abby abby Yesss. And you're Abby, right? Jim jim Yeah. Abby abby I'm Jim. [Jim hi-fives Abby] Annnnd... let's sell some paper. Jim jim Alright. Abby abby Let's start with... your mom. Jim jim [on phone] Yes. Well... we can... [Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train] uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's-- that's alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk] Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name? Michael michael Sasha. Sasha sasha Nice to meet you. Michael michael Ooh! [picks up train whistle] Sasha sasha Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try? Michael michael Sure. [Sasha blows into whistle continously] Sasha sasha All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh] Michael michael [shaking hands with Abby] Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand. Jim jim There is no way that hurt. Dwight dwight Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. Jim jim Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. [Abby shakes his hand] I don't feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You're so weak. [Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads] Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay? Dwight dwight Do you have any computer games? Jake jake No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate. Dwight dwight Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here. Jake jake You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful. Dwight dwight Whatever, okay? Jake jake You can refer to me as Mister Schrute. Dwight dwight That's your name? Mister Poop? Jake jake Schrute. Mister Schrute. Dwight dwight Sure, Mister Poop. [Jake walks away] Jake jake [quietly] ... Schrute. [Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight] Dwight dwight [to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose? Sasha sasha I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else. Melissa melissa Wow. Ryan ryan There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there? Melissa melissa No. Ryan ryan You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are so dorky. Gimme your number, so I can text you. Melissa melissa Uhm... Ryan ryan Come on! [Kelly glares through the door] You have an email address? Melissa melissa ...that I thought you should know ... Kelly kelly Mmhmm. What? Stanley stanley I think something a little fishy is going on. [points to Ryan and Melissa] Kelly kelly A little fishy? Stanley stanley Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... [Stanley gets up] Kelly kelly That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?! Stanley stanley Yes, I- Ryan ryan Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child! Stanley stanley Okay. Ryan ryan Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. Ryan ryan [plays the recorder] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [reading from book] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs-- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off! Dwight dwight Dwight! Dwight! Michael michael There's a photo... Dwight dwight What the hell are you reading to them? Michael michael These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these-- Dwight dwight Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. Michael michael What's a Nazi? Sasha sasha What's a Nazi? Michael michael [standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement... Dwight dwight Don't! Michael michael ...from the 1930's... Dwight dwight Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of-- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it? Michael michael I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls. Dwight dwight [sighing] Why don't you just leave? Okay? Michael michael ...Okay. Dwight dwight Bye, Mister Poop. Jake jake Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook? Michael michael [raising hands] I do, I do! Kids kids Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [cracks up] Michael michael You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities [makes eye contact with Dwight]. Angela angela This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions? Michael michael So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff. Melissa melissa No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. Michael michael That's not fair. [the rest of the kids agree] Abby abby Yes it is, well, w-w-you need someone in the middle to facilitate... Michael michael You're just a middleman. Jake jake I'm not just a middle... man... Michael michael Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people? Melissa melissa You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business. Michael michael We have better service than they do! Dwight dwight ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right? Michael michael That is correct. Creed creed Say hi to the kids. Michael michael Hi kids. Creed creed Yaaaaay. Michael michael Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [begins untying shoe] Creed creed Ewwww! Kids kids What are you doing? N-stop it! Stop it! Just-no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem? Michael michael Th-the hair covers it, mostly. Creed creed No no no, we're not gonna see-- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay? Michael michael You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show. Michael michael No way. Kids kids It's true. I did. Michael michael You serious? Melissa melissa Really? Jake jake I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star. Michael michael That doesn't sound like a show. Abby abby What?! Melissa melissa It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar. Michael michael Right. Okay. Ryan ryan I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine? Michael michael Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so... Ryan ryan You know, I can go with him. Melissa melissa Oka- Michael michael No! I will... go. Ryan ryan Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office. Michael michael [to Abby] Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like? Michael michael I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake. Michael michael I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan? Michael michael [from TV] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let's have some fun! Miss Trudy miss-trudy That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to... Michael michael Is that a real fun shooting windmill? Dwight dwight Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow. Michael michael That's pretty funny. Jim jim Yeah. Michael michael ...Recess! Hey, what's your name? Edward R. Meow edward-r-meow My name's Chet. Chet chet Well hi Chet. Edward R. Meow edward-r-meow Is that Chet Montgomery? Oscar oscar Uhh, I don't know. Michael michael That is! Pam pam Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up. Darryl darryl What do you want to be when you grow up? Edward R. Meow edward-r-meow I want to be on TV! Chet chet [employees chuckle] And he is on TV now! Dwight dwight Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it. Michael michael Okay, next? So, whats your name? Edward R. Meow edward-r-meow Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh. Michael michael Well what's your favorite subject at school? Edward R. Meow edward-r-meow Recess. Young Michael young-michael Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up? Edward R. Meow edward-r-meow I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend. Young Michael young-michael [jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy! Edward R. Meow edward-r-meow Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day. Miss Trudy miss-trudy Coulda sworn there was... Michael michael Did you get married? Melissa melissa ...uh, no. Michael michael Why not? Abby abby Uh, just never happened. Michael michael So, do you have any kids? Sasha sasha Uh, nope. Michael michael Do you have a girlfriend? Jake jake I do okay. Michael michael Was Chet Montgomery cool back then? Melissa melissa Yes. Michael michael Even I have a girlfriend. Jake jake Okay! Alright, okay. Michael michael So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be. Sasha sasha ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye. Michael michael He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone. Pam pam Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy. Jim jim [wrestling with Jake] Pam! Pam! I love this guy! [laughs] Come on! Roy roy So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's so nice. Pam pam Who? Terry? Melissa melissa Mmhmm. Pam pam That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother. Melissa melissa Mister Poop, I have to tell you something. Jake jake Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name. Dwight dwight You're ugly. Jake jake Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So... Dwight dwight Meredith! Jake jake [Toby knocks on door] Yeah? Michael michael I think these belong to you. [puts toys down on desk] Toby toby Oh, that's okay, she can keep those. Michael michael Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch. Toby toby Thank you. Michael michael Is everything okay? Toby toby You have to ask me that because you work for human resources. Michael michael Uh... it's true... Toby toby Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost. Michael michael Mmhmm. Toby toby Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids? Michael michael Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend. Toby toby What about... Michael michael Not Jan. Toby toby ...Jan. Kay. Michael michael If you really want to have kids, I-- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something. Toby toby ...Or biologically. Michael michael Somehow. Toby toby Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I... Michael michael Yes. Toby toby Oh... kay. Michael michael Is it okay if I take one? Jake jake Sure. Pam pam Thank you. Jake jake You're welcome. Pam pam Is your job hard? Jake jake It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see? Pam pam Yeah! Jake jake Really? Pam pam Yeah. Jake jake Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. [shreds paper] Cool huh? Pam pam That's so cool, yeah! Jake jake Yeah, I get to do this like, every week. Pam pam That's so awesome! Jake jake I know. Pam pam Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at. Michael michael Go ahead. Kevin kevin Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? Abby abby Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? [Abby nods] Jim jim What're you doing? You never have plans. Kevin kevin Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date. Jim jim Niiice. Kevin kevin Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do. Michael michael [singing] You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... [Dwight joins in] and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well... Michael michael Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play? Jim jim I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Jim leaves] Pam pam [singing] ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams... {Michael} and {Dwight} michael dwight My theory is that... [Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam] Pam pam [singing] ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you... {Michael} and {Dwight} michael dwight And they do, your parents, love you very much. Dwight dwight One more time. [singing] You... Michael michael The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [Laughs] They didn't eat the children. Dwight dwight Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine. Angela angela How about pepperoni? Phyllis phyllis No. Angela angela I like extra cheese. Ryan ryan Absolutely not. Angela angela I like extra cheese, too. Pam pam Fine. The first lesson we'll teach children will be about obesity. Angela angela Thank you. Ryan ryan I'm pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby's daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she's the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don't know how cool she thinks I am. Jim jim Put that away and learn. Stanley stanley Learn what? Melissa melissa Learn why Daddy's so cranky when he comes home from work. Stanley stanley I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall. Stanley stanley I'm gonna go read my book now. Abby abby [whispering] Angela. Is it okay if I'm the head accountant today? Kevin kevin I'm the head accountant. Angela angela Yeah, but can I say that I'm it, just for today? Kevin kevin I can't set that kind of precedent. She's a bright girl. She'd see right through that. Angela angela You must be pretty strong, huh? Darryl darryl Yeah. Jake jake You think you can beat up Darryl? Roy roy Yeah. I don't know, maybe. Jake jake I think you might be able to. Roy roy You think you could beat me up? Darryl darryl Yeah. Yeah, I do. Jake jake Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let's see. Darryl darryl I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that. Jake jake Hey, don't touch him, please! Michael michael Man, you have got to be kidding me. Darryl darryl Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I'm sure it'll be fine. Michael michael Can I have a quarter? I promise I'll pay you back. Jake jake Sure. Michael michael Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink. Jake jake Okay. There you go. Michael michael Will you marry my mom? Jake jake Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something. Oscar oscar Just give me two seconds, I'll be done. Melissa melissa I was in the middle of something. Oscar oscar Dude, seriously, just give me two seconds, I'll be done. Melissa melissa Stanley. Oscar oscar ...get you, I'm gonna get you! Come back here for more! [squealing] Abby abby Kids, kids, kids, slow down. Creed creed Oh, I'm gonna get you! Abby abby What the... [pulls a pencil eraser out of his mug, after a drink] Dwight dwight Did you draw that? Abby abby Yeah. Do you like to draw, Abby? Pam pam Yeah, I wanna be an artist when I grow up. Abby abby Me, too. Pam pam You are grown up. Abby abby So, how's your day been? Kelly kelly Okay. It's been a little more tiring than I thought. Pam pam Yeah, it doesn't help that Stanley's daughter's such a slut. Kelly kelly Hmm. Pam pam Hey, Abby. I wanted to give you this for all your hard work today. Look. Michael signed it and everything. Official. Jim jim Thank you so much. Abby abby Absolutely. Jim jim Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate's a fake. Okay? It's not real. Where's the certification number, Halpert? Dwight dwight Actually, I have the certification number right here. Jim jim Oh, really? Uh-huh. Dwight dwight Yup. Jim jim Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done. Dwight dwight All right. Jim jim "A7557962." Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do. Jim jim