Pam|Hey. Jim|Hey. Pam|I gotcha one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim] Jim|Oh wow, thank you. Pam|Yeah. Jim|I’m just gonna grab some chips, you want some? Pam|No. Thanks… uh we’re still having lunch today, right? Jim|I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] How dare you. - Michael|Hey Toby. What’s this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff] Toby|Ohh. Michael|[reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection. Toby|Yes, uh some people in the office have complained… Michael|Oh really. Toby|…about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it’s not appropriate to, to do that. Michael|Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don’t think. I don’t think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don’t think it’s any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight… Toby|Ok, look the memo is not about you… Angela|[to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity. Toby|Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So… Michael|[turns to address Jim and Pam] No way. Dwight|What? Phyllis|You guys are together? Jim|Ummm… yup. Yes, we are. Michael|Woooah! Wow! Andy|Tuna! Michael|Awesome! Kevin|I knew it! Michael|You guys! Yes! Yes! Pam|Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us? Toby|Yes. Michael|Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim’s hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one. Jim|Actually, we’ve been dating for a couple months. Michael|I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim] Jim|Ohh.. [Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings] Pam|Phone’s ringing. [goes back toward desk] Michael|No, no, no Pam let ’em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest. - Dwight|I don’t see it. I think they both could do better. - Angela|It’s not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress. - Andy|Jim Halpert’s off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office? - Michael|Hey. Can you make that straighter? That’s what she said. Phyllis|Did you plan it? Michael|No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it] Pam|[reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally? Michael|Blowing up balloons I thought. Pam|You might want to trim it a little. Phyllis|Michael… [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress] Kelly|[reading sign] Oh, is… Ryan coming back today? Pam|Yeah, he is. Kelly|Oh. - Michael|Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream. - Angela|What do you want? Dwight|To give you this [reveals a cat from under a coat]. Angela|Oh, what is that? Dwight|It’s a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I’m giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed. Angela|Her name was Sprinkles. Dwight|And his name is… Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don’t you Garbage? [makes chomping noises] Angela|I can’t believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she’s even in the ground. Dwight|You haven’t buried her yet? Angela|Don’t rush me. I’m grieving. Dwight|Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he’s a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him. Angela|I don’t want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away] - Pam|Hey Toby. Toby|Hey… [sees both Jim and Pam] you two. Jim|Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those ‘we’re dating’ things for the company. Toby|Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know [makes quotes with fingers] relationships, so… if, if this is just a casual thing, there’s no need, really. Jim|Oh. Pam|Well, I don’t wanna speak for Jim, but, it’s like pretty official. [Jim smiles] Toby|Uh huh. Jim|Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or…? Toby|Let’s just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know? Jim|What? Toby|Let’s just wait. Jim|Oh, OK. Pam|OK. Jim|Great. [Jim and Pam walk away] - Pam|[sees Ryan coming through door] Hey Ryan. Welcome back — Ryan|Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey Pam! It’s great to see you. Is Michael in? Michael|Hey! Pam|Yeah. Michael|There he is! There he is! He’s back! And he’s with a beard. [laughing] He… He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I’m Tubs. Ryan|OK. Should we get started? Michael|Ohh, yeah, let’s get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm.. Ryan|Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting. Michael|…business meeting — Kevin|[rubbing hands in Ryan’s hair] Fire! Ryan|Stop that! Stop that! Michael|That’s right! That’s right! Ryan|[to Kevin] You scared me. Michael|Fire guy. Don’t start any fires, Ryan. Andy|Fire guy [makes flames with his hands] Kevin|You weren’t here for that. Andy|Here for what? Kevin|When he started the fire. Michael|Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You’re like our little man… Kevin|Little old man boy. Ryan|Michael and everybody, umm… Michael|Beard. Kevin|Bearded man boy. Ryan|…let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I’d like your respect. I am your boss now. You’re gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan. Michael|Oh, wow! Ryan|So… Michael|That’s a little kinky. I don’t swing that way. Ryan|OK… Michael|Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me. Ryan|Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand? Michael|Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let’s get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes? Ryan|Perfect. Michael|Sounds good. OK, alright. - Michael|Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, “Dude, we’re friends. I’m doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we’ll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.” His words. - Ryan|Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains. - Jim|Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading “Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!”] - Ryan|This is a massive overhaul. We’re getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use. Michael|OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Ryan|I’ll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight? Dwight|What if we don’t want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless? Ryan|This is company-wide, Dwight. Dwight|Got it. [Andy’s hand goes up] Ryan|Andy. Andy|We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together? Ryan|Any other questions? [Kelly’s hand goes up] Kelly Kapoor. Kelly|Can we speak privately about our relationship? Ryan|Thank you everybody. Michael|Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave] Creed|That’s some fun stuff. When does the website go up? Ryan|As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system. Creed|Cool beans. - Creed|We’re screwed. Michael|Who is? Creed|Us? You and me. The old timers. Michael|I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred. Creed|You’re over 40, that’s the cut off. Are you listening to what he’s saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I’m telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we’re goners. - Jim|Swore I wouldn’t tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months. Pam|No.. [in awe] Jim|Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head]. Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun. Pam|No, they have been dating for like two years. [Jim in shock] Since before your barbeque. Jim|Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] You knew? And you didn’t say anything? Pam|You didn’t say anything to me? Jim|Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago. Pam|Can you believe that… Phyllis|Sorry, I didn’t know you guys were in here. Jim|Oh no, we’re just sitting here. Phyllis|I couldn’t see your hands. [Jim shakes his hands] Hey Pam, by the way, it’s great that you’re dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can’t base who gets new clients on who you’re sleeping with that week, OK? Pam|OK. Phyllis|OK. Jim|OK. - Jim|And… that is why we waited so long to tell people. - Ryan|OK, what’s up? Michael|Yeah, kay. I was just… After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual? Ryan|Well it is business, but not as usual. Michael|Yeah, I know I understand… we’re making great strides and we’re updating, but business as usual, no? Ryan|No. [shaking head] We’re throwing out the entire playbook, we’re starting from scratch, we’re implementing a brand new system. Michael|Good, so, we’re on the same page? Ryan|No. We’re not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself. - Michael|We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that’s who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans. - Ryan|So, how are you? Kelly|Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys. Ryan|Good. Kelly|A lot. Black guys mostly. Ryan|Kelly… Kelly|What?! - Phyllis|Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time? Stanley|I don’t know. Phyllis|Did you even try? Stanley|If the kid wants to set mine up, I’ll let him. Phyllis|I can’t see half of the things. [adjusts glasses] Stanley|It’s too little. Use the phone. - Kelly|I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want. Ryan|Kelly, I’m your boss now, OK? You can’t keep talking to me like I’m your boyfriend. Kelly|Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don’t think you ever cared about me. Ryan|I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship. Kelly|Well, I hope you’re still committed because I’m pregnant. - Kelly|[shaking head] - Kelly|And guess what buddy, [points at Ryan] I am keeping it. Ryan|OK. OK. Kelly|Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby? Ryan|I can… I can’t talk about this right now, OK? After work, we’ll go out to dinner, we’ll talk about it then, OK? - Kelly|We have a date! - Dwight|Hello. Angela|Hello, Dwight. I’ve been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight? Dwight|Really? Angela|Yes. Dwight|I’ll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side. Angela|I would prefer a public place. See you after work. - Jan|Hi, Pam. Pam|Hi. Jan|Is Michael in? Pam|In his office. You can go right in. Jan|[to Ryan] Hey. Ryan|Jan. Jan|Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan. Ryan|So elephant in the room, I have your old job. Jan|Well, not exactly my job… I had a different title. Ryan|Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities. Jan|Different salary. [laughs] You’ll get there, don’t worry. Ryan|Well… you look great. Jan|Thank you, thank you. Ryan|Scranton suits you. Jan|Best decision I ever made. Ryan|You were let go. Jan|You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael’s office] Michael|Hey. Jan|Hey. - Michael|[holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? Jan|What? Michael|I don’t want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids. Jan|So, what’s Ryan doing here? Michael|Oh, I dunno, they’re launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He’s being a real twerp about it, so, it’s all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people. Jan|He’s such a snake. Michael|Well… Jan|I hope he’s gets hit with an ageism suit. Michael|What is that… word? Jan|Ageism? Companies they can’t discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off. Michael|So older people have just as many rights as younger people? Jan|Yes, Michael, they do. - Oscar|Creed? Creed|Yes, sir. Oscar|Everything OK? [Creed has made his hair jet black] Creed|Everything’s cool, dude. - Creed|I’m thirty. Well, in November I’ll be thirty. - Ryan|Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here. Pam|Michael told us to wait in here. We don’t know why. Ryan|[notices pictures on the wall] Ohh… man. Michael|Good, we’re all here, we can get started. Ryan|Michael. Michael|Have a seat. Ryan|We’re not doing this today. Michael|Have a seat. Like everybody else. Ryan|OK. This is… Michael|Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also… illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did. Toby|Technically, he’s right. Michael|Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much? Creed|Because they’re lame. Michael|No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like “where’s the Beef?” [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah. Jim|Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot. Pam|Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too. Michael|I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone. Pam|Oh. [man enters conference room] Robert Dunder|Michael Scott? Michael|[puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who’s this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in] Dwight|Oh, yeah. Yes! Robert Dunder|Thank you everyone. Ryan|Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second? Michael|Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] ‘Scuse me. [closes door] - Ryan|We have actual work to do. Michael|Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other] - Michael|Bob, how old are you? Robert Dunder|I’m 87. Michael|Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin? Robert Dunder|Well, I, I, I haven’t been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy. Michael|Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you. - Dwight|I’m gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation. - Robert Dunder|I started this company in 1949. Michael|Wow. Robert Dunder|Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction. Michael|Oh, boy. Robert Dunder|And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later… Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club. Michael|Great. Robert Dunder|And he was, he was [starts laughing] at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm… uhh… Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys. Michael|Great. Robert Dunder|And… Michael|That’s great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride? Robert Dunder|Well I, I, I came here in a cab. Michael|Perfect. [starts closing the door] Robert Dunder|Well, cou, could you get me another… [Michael closes door] Michael|Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, because it’s illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand] Pam|I think that I should help him get home. Michael|No, No. Don’t help him. He doesn’t need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy. - Michael|Good night guys. [staff leaves the office] Ryan|Well, today was a fantastic waste of time. Michael|I disagree, I think it was very valuable. Ryan|Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving. Michael|I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it. Ryan|Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [to Kelly] Where do you wanna go? Kelly|You know, some place romantic and expensive. Ryan|Kelly, come on. Kelly|You know what, you’re right. I’m feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit] - Dwight|Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles? Angela|Very much. How’s your meat? Dwight|Dry. Delicious. Angela|I heard a joke today. Dwight|Oh, that’s funny. Angela|Yes, it was. Dwight|Are you enjoying your mineral water? Angela|I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles’ stiff lifeless body. Dwight|Then don’t look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it’s an old sales trick. Angela|I’m sorry. I gave this everything I could. Dwight|No, please don’t do this, monkey. Angela|I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant] - Toby|Hey guys. This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy. Pam|Hi. Jim|Hey, Amy. How ya doing? Pam|Nice to meet you. Jim|[under his breath] Nice to meet you. Toby|[gesturing to the rest of the office] This is everybody else… okay… This is the place… so thanks for the lift. Amy|Yeah, sure. I’ll, uh, I’ll see you tonight, right? Toby|Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked] Amy|Whoa. Easy tiger. Toby|I just really like you. Amy|Okay. Bye guys. Nice to meet you. Toby|Have a great day! Pam|Whoa, Toby. Watch out. You’re going to violate your own PDA memo. Toby|I wouldn’t want to do that now would I?