The tea in Nepal is very hot. Erin erin But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office] Kevin kevin Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start. Dwight dwight The tea in Nepal is very hot. Erin erin But the coffee in Peru is far hotter. Dwight dwight Close. Erin erin This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter? Dwight dwight Colder. Erin erin The coffee in Paraguay is colder? Dwight dwight No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, "the coffee in Peru is much hotter." Erin erin Ah, much, ok. Dwight dwight But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol? Erin erin No, no. Give me the steam. Dwight dwight It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd. Dwight dwight [while getting steamed] Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol! Dwight dwight [carrying in clothes on hangers] Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning. Creed creed Mama! Phillip phillip Angela, someone wants you. Oscar oscar Ok, coming. Hi, baby. Angela angela Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o. Oscar oscar Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services. Oscar oscar Go get 'em, honey. Esther esther Oh, don't worry. They'll get got. Dwight dwight Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check... on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring. Dwight dwight Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick. Andy andy Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line. Check-in guy check-in-guy Yes! Andy andy Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show, it's like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean! Andy andy Sales form for you to sign. Jim jim You know what to do. [waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox] Ok Dwight dwight Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best. Dwight dwight Aw, thanks, man. Jim jim Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War-- Dwight dwight No. Jim jim Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office. Dwight dwight Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well. Jim jim Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting. Pam pam All depends on the conference room meeting itself. [phone chimes] Uh, okay. Jim jim Is that them again? Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Maybe you should call back? Pam pam I will. I will. Jim jim The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that's final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I'm not risking that again. Jim jim When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim. Pam pam Welcome. Dwight dwight He welcomes you. Jim jim Please take an agenda item. Dwight dwight Your agenda-taking pleases him. Jim jim Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. "Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try." [buzzer sound] That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you. Dwight dwight Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out, "Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future." Ok? That's nonsense. Jim jim Question. Pam pam Yes, beautiful girl in the front. Jim jim We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, "Nice jugs"? Pam pam That's obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office? Jim jim [overlapping] Zero. No nonsense. You can't have nonsense. Everyone everyone [as Angela enters with Phillip] What is going on? Dwight dwight Daycare won't take Phillip anymore. Angela angela Why? Oscar oscar Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive. So, hi. Angela angela Hi, buddy. Oscar oscar Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today. Dwight dwight Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited? Jim jim I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap. Meredith meredith Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it. Stanley stanley I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month. Dwight dwight Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions. Kevin kevin I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe. Oscar oscar This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast. Creed creed This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic. Andy andy Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! [singing] Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you. Casey casey No! Andy andy America wants it! Casey casey No, this is my time! You don't belt on my time! I belt on my time. Andy andy [singing] Casey Dean! Casey casey [vocalizing over her] Casey Dean! Andy andy Man, those are some nice pipes. Casey casey Yeah. Andy andy What's your name? Casey casey Andy. What's yours? Andy andy Why didn't you pack the apple snacks? Angela angela Why didn't you pack the apple snacks? Oscar oscar Guys. Kevin kevin Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong. Angela angela Guys. Kevin kevin Why don't you pack it? Angela angela Guys. Kevin kevin Kevin, what? {Angela} & {Oscar} angela oscar Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says "bold front" instead of "cold front"? It's insane. Kevin kevin Not now, Kevin. Can't you see we're busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks. Angela angela Seriously, Kevin. I'm just gonna have to go to the store. Oscar oscar Ok, you go to the store. Angela angela Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It's all about Phillip. I hate Phillip. Kevin kevin Not now! Private time! Dwight dwight I love Star Wars as much as the next guy-- Jim jim Hey, hey! Seriously? [holds up Battlestar Galactica model box] Dwight dwight My god, I'm so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN. Jim jim Which is, of course... Dwight dwight Potential future nonsense. Jim jim Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me. Dwight dwight I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You've got a regional manager. Jim jim The power source. Dwight dwight Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager. Jim jim A loyal, but bungling apostle. Dwight dwight But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager? Jim jim Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore. Dwight dwight Exactly. Jim jim I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable? Dwight dwight Yeah, right. I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests. Jim jim I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind? Dwight dwight Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table? Jim jim That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard. Dwight dwight What're you listening to? Casey casey Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440. Andy andy Oh, sweet. Casey casey A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch. Andy andy What's up, everybody? And welcome to America's Next A Cappella Singing Sensation! Mark McGrath mark-mcgrath Ah! It's Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You're gorgeous! Casey casey Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole! Mark McGrath mark-mcgrath There's a mole? Andy andy Oops. I'm not supposed to--I'm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right? Mark McGrath mark-mcgrath What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it. Andy andy Good man right there. I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right? Mark McGrath mark-mcgrath Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me! Andy andy What? On a roll much? Casey casey I don't know where it came from. Andy andy That was amazing, man! Casey casey Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny. Andy andy Yeah, you made a personal connection with him. Casey casey I did, I felt it. Andy andy Big time. Casey casey What are you so excited about? Pam pam Nothing. Jim jim What are you up to? Pam pam Members of the office, hear ye. Jim jim That means ye, Plop! Dwight dwight Plop? Still? Pete pete We owe Andy that much. Am I right people? Dwight dwight Fine. Pete pete Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager. Jim jim Aw, heck ya! Erin erin Nice. Pam pam You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending. Dwight dwight This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring. Jim jim Wow, the honor. God, I envy them. Dwight dwight He envies you. Jim jim You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it. Dwight dwight Alright. Jim jim By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me. Jim jim What up? Darryl darryl What's going on? How was the delivery? Glenn glenn Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I'm here. Darryl darryl I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all. Darryl darryl A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now? Jim jim Uh, two. Meredith meredith 985,000,000,000,017. Jim jim Not even close, Meredith. Come on! Dwight dwight Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now? Jim jim Theme song from Saved by the Bell. Pam pam Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World. Jim jim Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job. Dwight dwight That's exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing? Jim jim A horse. Pete pete Ew, the exact opposite, actually. Jim jim What's the opposite of a horse? Pete pete Come on. Jim jim Sea horse. {Jim} & {Dwight} jim dwight Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna-- Jim jim Say that? Uncanny. {Jim} & {Dwight} jim dwight Challenge number two, protocol. Clark? Jim jim Yeah. Clark clark Do you want a corn dog? Jim jim I would love a corn dog. Clark clark We'll see. You are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message. Jim jim [reading] Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went." Clark clark No, no, no, no! You don't read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations. Dwight dwight Uncanny. Jim jim I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they'll feel like anything is possible. Soldier soldier Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you. Andy andy Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids. Casey casey What? Andy andy Yeah. Casey casey Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing? Andy andy I don't know. But I'm getting really worried here. Casey casey Me too. Hold my place in line. Andy andy Where are you going? Casey casey They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me. Andy andy Thanks, man. Darryl darryl Thank you. Hank hank Yep. Take care. Darryl darryl Darryl, hey. Pam pam Hey. Darryl darryl Cool, are you coming back to say hi? Pam pam No, no, I'm not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to. Darryl darryl Aha. How's Athlead? Pam pam We livin' like rock stars. I'm about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities. Darryl darryl Wow. Pam pam Jim really doesn't want to come? Darryl darryl He says he doesn't want to. Pam pam Wow. Man. I hope he doesn't regret it. Darryl darryl Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin. Pam pam Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin? Darryl darryl That's what he says. Pam pam If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then. Darryl darryl An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right? Jim jim A thousand times more. Dwight dwight I'll try this one. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course. Jim jim [grabbing the coffee] Hot! Phyllis phyllis Yeah. It's real. It's the only way you'll learn. OK, and go ahead. [Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course] Oh, god, nice! She's through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful! Jim jim [over Jim] No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously? Dwight dwight Look at that form. Jim jim [running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis] Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! [races through obstacles, spilling coffee] Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah! Dwight dwight Uncanny. [everyone applauds] Jim jim Darryl?! Darryl! Erin erin Whoa. Kevin kevin Oh, hey. Hey, what's up, y'all? Darryl darryl You left us without saying goodbye. Erin erin Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody. Darryl darryl Hey! No way! Meredith meredith That's totally uncool. Kevin kevin Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs. Erin erin I don't think I sh- Darryl darryl Get upstairs, mister! Erin erin Yeah! Meredith meredith Right. Now. Kevin kevin Guess I'm going upstairs. Darryl darryl You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing--none of these people are good enough. Jim jim I know. Dwight dwight What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I've ever said. Jim jim Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant- Dwight dwight Is- Jim jim Me. Dwight dwight The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute. Jim jim Yes! [weak applause] Thank you. Dwight dwight I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly squats] That's it. You look really, really good. Jim jim Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right? Dwight dwight Hey. Jim jim Hey. Pam pam You all right? What's going on? Jim jim Are you happy? Pam pam Yes, I'm happy. Jim jim No, I know that you're, like, happy and, like, you had fun today. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim And that was fun. But what about a year from now? Pam pam What? Jim jim What about five years from now? Pam pam Pam. Jim jim Because I'm so glad you're back, baby, but I'm just--I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you're giving up so much. Pam pam This was my decision, not yours. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam You didn't force me. Jim jim I kind of forced you to do it. Pam pam You did not force me to do this. Jim jim Yes, I did. Pam pam I don't know how else to tell you. Jim jim I'm afraid that you're gonna resent me and I'm afraid that-- Pam pam Resent you? Jim jim This is not enough for you and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you. Pam pam Is that really what you think? Jim jim Not enough? I don't know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it's against the rules but I'm gonna need a favor from you guys. Jim jim Okay. You got it, man. Camera Crew camera-crew I didn't realize we were this close. Darryl darryl We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing. Phyllis phyllis Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight? Meredith meredith Uh... yeah. Depending on traffic. Darryl darryl He ain't coming. Stanley stanley Oh, god! Erin erin These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck. Darryl darryl Well, it's been great. Darryl darryl Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he's gone for who knows how long. Phyllis phyllis Maybe forever. Anyhow-- Darryl darryl Did we ever have lunch together, just--just the two of us? You know what, I'm gonna make reservations right now at Cugino's. Oscar oscar Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van? Meredith meredith Oh, oh, I'm sure we did. Darryl darryl Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl. Meredith meredith Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get. Clark clark Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl's next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we'll get this started. Erin erin Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that's on me. But I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you're feeling sentimental. Darryl darryl You have to! [everyone grumbling] Meredith meredith Hey, hey, hey. I'll do one thing with y'all. Darryl darryl Which thing? Phyllis phyllis I don't care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though. Darryl darryl Kevin, Kevin. Angela angela Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. [continues making noise] Kevin kevin Kevin, could you not do that? Angela angela What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work. Kevin kevin Here, use my pen. Oscar oscar Don't tell me what to do! Kevin kevin Shhh! {Angela} & {Oscar} angela oscar No, I don't need this! And you obviously don't need me. Kevin kevin Kevin, where are you going? Angela angela Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true. Kevin kevin He just won't go down. It's as if he's excited by all this paper. Oscar oscar I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond. Angela angela Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond. Dwight dwight Hey, what's goin' on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns? Andy andy You're back! Casey casey No, it's me, Andy! Andy andy No, I know. Casey casey No, no, no. I'm wearing makeup. Andy andy You did a really great job. You even look shorter. Casey casey Oh, I took out my lifts. Andy andy Oh. Casey casey Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height. Andy andy Oh. Casey casey All day long, it's moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs. Esther esther Oink the pigs, that is very important. [watching Phillip] Dwight dwight Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight? Esther esther The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm. Dwight dwight [puts his grandmother's ring away] Thank you, Esther. Dwight dwight Bye. Esther esther [Dwight throws "Now" beanie at Jim's head] None none You threw the summoning bag at me, sir? Jim jim I need you to perform a test. Dwight dwight Perform a test. Jim jim On an innocent baby. Dwight dwight Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don't worry, he's the best in the biz. Jim jim Damn straight. Dwight dwight Unless you think he can't handle it. Jim jim Hey, he can handle it. Dwight dwight All right. Jim jim [holding Phillip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? Oscar oscar I heard that. Stanley stanley Mama. Phillip phillip Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps. Dwight dwight He does have a gift. Pam pam Well, he's calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites. Oscar oscar Mama. Phillip phillip Okay. [takes Phillip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a manager's office before? Dwight dwight Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It's called "Schrute or Consequences." You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet? Dwight dwight Beet. Phillip phillip Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes. Dwight dwight Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions. Check-in guy check-in-guy Oh come on! Hey! People in line people-in-line Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Andy andy But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America's Next A Cappella Sensa-- Check-in guy check-in-guy Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that. You can't do that, we've all been waiting. Andy andy Okay. Check-in guy check-in-guy I am going in there! Don't-- Andy andy No, you're not, sir. Check-in guy check-in-guy Don't--don't-- Andy andy Please don't. Check-in guy check-in-guy Don't touch me. Andy andy I'm not touching you. Okay? [Andy makes a break for it] Check-in guy check-in-guy Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get--I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won't be seeing the last of me! Casey casey Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple. Oscar oscar That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast. Dwight dwight He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck. Kevin kevin [interrupting contestant singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera] Hi. You're still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You're like, my three favorite people ever. Andy andy What is this? Santigold santigold [shushing contestant] Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? You're obviously gonna be on the show, so it's someone else's turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, [old man voice] my name is Ezra Cornell and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart. Andy andy No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on. Aaron Rodgers aaron-rodgers Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that. Andy andy No, we do not want to hear you sing. Clay Aiken clay-aiken Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye. Santigold santigold Nope! Can't end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern. Andy andy Flag on the play. Aaron Rodgers aaron-rodgers That's--that's what--yeah. Okay, all right, well, here's the song. [singing] Far above Cayuga's waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater-- Andy andy What is this song? Santigold santigold Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song. Andy andy Listen, all right, thank you very much, we're not interested. Clay Aiken clay-aiken You didn't let me finish. That's not fair. Andy andy Look, man, you're not terrible. We've heard a lot of really good singers today and you're just not good enough. Aaron Rodgers aaron-rodgers Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that's the show. Let me try a different song, okay? Andy andy Can he do this? Aaron Rodgers aaron-rodgers [singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judges' reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly-- Andy andy Look, you gotta go. [Andy falls to his knees, sobbing] You can't just sit here and cry. Santigold santigold Oh I can so just sit here and cry! Andy andy [addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk] Thank you. Jim jim Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy? Oscar oscar Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored? Kevin kevin Okay, I guess, it's just that Phillip got you something. Oscar oscar Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes. Angela angela I think there's, like, $7 left. Oscar oscar It's just his way of saying, "Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting." Angela angela Phillip got this for me? Kevin kevin Sure. Oscar oscar That was a really cool move. Kevin kevin Would you like to hold Phillip? [hands off Phillip] Yeah. That's Kevin. Angela angela Whoa. Kevin kevin Easy. Oscar oscar What a chubbers. Whoa. Kevin kevin Okay, watch it. Angela angela I'm losing my balance. Kevin kevin No, Kevin, no. Angela angela Hey, no. Oscar oscar Whoa! Kevin kevin No horseplay. Oscar oscar Stop it. Angela angela You wanna play with the cactus? Kevin kevin No, no! Angela angela So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we're gonna be best friends. He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you. Kevin kevin We have our decision. Erin erin You chose one thing? Darryl darryl We want to dance with you. Erin erin You want to dance? Darryl darryl One dance, all of us together. Erin erin This is what you want? Darryl darryl Absolutely. Erin erin Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we're gonna do this right. Darryl darryl Yes! [Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer] Erin erin Hey. You wanted to see me? Angela angela Door. Chair. It's about Phillip. Dwight dwight I am sorry he's here today but I had-- Angela angela I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal. Dwight dwight How thoughtful. Angela angela Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet. Dwight dwight If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son. Angela angela Very well. Dwight dwight Can I go back to my desk now? Angela angela Yes. Dwight dwight What is this? Pam pam Well I've been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn't believe me, so [shows her DVD] I needed a little help. Jim jim Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red. Dwight dwight OK, I don't have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so. Jim jim [throws "now" beanbag at Jim] Now. Dwight dwight I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip. Jim jim Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you. Dwight dwight Go ahead. Pam pam Ok, um, this is... [leaves DVD with her]--I'll be right back. Jim jim What do we got? Jim jim I was thinking of proposing to Esther today. Dwight dwight Wow! Congratulations, that's a really big step. Jim jim She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest. Dwight dwight Right in the sweet spot. I think you're gonna be really happy. Jim jim Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm. Dwight dwight [whistles] That's a lot of pros. Jim jim And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up. Dwight dwight So what is the problem? Jim jim Angela. Dwight dwight [Pam hesitates but puts the DVD into the laptop to watch] None none I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation. Jim jim Some sort of virus? Dwight dwight Love. Jim jim Oh. Dwight dwight [Pam starts the video; title screen reads "Beesly--You think I'll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I won't..."; highlights of Pam and Jim from the documentary play over Snow Patrol's "Open Your Eyes"] None none Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have. Jim jim You're a good assistant, Jim. Dwight dwight Not as good as you. Jim jim That's very true. Get the hell outta here. Dwight dwight You got it. Jim jim You watched it. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Well, then I guess you're ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card] Jim jim What's that? Pam pam It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything. Jim jim Thank you. Pam pam Ok, everybody ready? Erin erin Hit it, red! ["Boogie Wonderland" by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office] Phyllis phyllis I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys. Darryl darryl Ok, I've got my-- Oscar oscar See you guys at Poor Richard's, all right? Meredith meredith All right, Meredith. Oscar oscar Okay, bye. Angela angela See you there. Oscar oscar Bye, Phillip. High five. Kevin kevin Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour. Oscar oscar Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off? Angela angela She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up. Oscar oscar All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye! Angela angela Oh, my goodness. Oscar oscar [in bullhorn] Pull over! Dwight dwight Dwight? Angela angela Move to the side of the road! Dwight dwight Why? Angela angela Pull over! Dwight dwight What do you--Dwight! [Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over] Angela angela [getting out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem! Angela angela [on bullhorn still] Shut up, woman! Dwight dwight Who drives like that? Angela angela Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you! Dwight dwight Can you put that down? Angela angela This expresses how loudly I love you. Dwight dwight It's too loud. Angela angela [puts down bullhorn and kneels] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites. Dwight dwight Okay, yes--yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you! Angela angela I love you! Dwight dwight And I lied to you. Angela angela What? Dwight dwight Phillip's your son. Angela angela What? Why would you say that-- Dwight dwight I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me. Angela angela [excited] Get out! I'm a dad! Dwight dwight You're a dad! Angela angela Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. [Dwight kisses Creed's head] Oh! Creed creed You have to change the channel to PBS. Erin erin Yeah. Kevin kevin College baseball is on. Bartender bartender But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it. Erin erin What's it about? Bartender bartender A paper company. Erin erin How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Sorry. Tie means I do nothing. Bartender bartender Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places. Kevin kevin One more for the doc. [the office staff cheers] Andy andy All right. Bartender bartender Yes! Kevin kevin Hey, how was the singing show audition? Clark clark Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal. Andy andy Ok, thirty seconds to showtime! Creed creed I feel scared a little. Kevin kevin Yeah, I'm not ready for this. Phyllis phyllis No one is ready for this. You can't be ready for this. We don't even know what this is. Stanley stanley One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same. Oscar oscar Here we go. [documentary starts with the first scene of "Pilot"] Jim jim