[to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute? Oscar oscar I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin has overheard him]...Why? Oscar oscar Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay? Andy andy Or we can hope for a holiday rally? White white White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster. Andy andy Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman. Pam pam And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar. Jim jim The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so.. Pam pam Competent. Jim jim Right? Pam pam Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him. Andy andy Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok? Oscar oscar That's beautiful. No, I totally get that. Kevin kevin Can you do this, Kevin? Oscar oscar I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that. Kevin kevin I don't know what that means. Hey, hey- Oscar oscar [On phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio? Pam pam Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show. Creed creed Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand] Pam pam I do! I do. I do. I do. I do. Dwight dwight The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? [Pretends to be on phone] "Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt." It's that easy. Dwight dwight Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze. Meredith meredith Yeah. He's in rehab actually. Andy andy Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour. Meredith meredith No, it's in New Mexico. Andy andy Oh...So..- how are you holding up? Meredith meredith We're done Meredith. Andy andy [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests] Dwight dwight Dwight! Jim jim ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason. Dwight dwight No, you chose yourself. Jim jim [walking away] Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit.... Dwight dwight Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom. Andy andy Sounds great. Darryl darryl Perfect. Oscar oscar Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. [Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier] Andy andy What happened? Kevin kevin Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. [Kevin laughs] Angela angela Yeah, I think this day could get worse. Kevin kevin What does that mean? Angela angela Kevin! Oscar oscar [to Angela] I don't know what you're talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar] Kevin kevin She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month. Erin erin Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut? Andy andy If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months. Darryl darryl Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born. Andy andy Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories? Erin erin I worked at a Jiffy Lube. Darryl darryl See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl? Erin erin I would if I owned it and I went broke. Darryl darryl Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat. Andy andy Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me. Andy andy [On phone] Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so... Pam pam Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple. Nellie nellie He's gonna be disappointed. Pam pam Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen. Jim jim Fax? Pete pete Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He's seriously juvenile. Erin erin Cool. He's like 40 though, right? Pete pete Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops. Erin erin Awesome. Have fun. Pete pete Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up] This is Dwight Shrute. Dwight dwight [on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black. Pam pam [Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute. Nellie nellie Iris, thank you so much for having me. Dwight dwight [muffled by watermelon teeth] Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. [laughs] Erin erin Uh, did you need something? Andy andy Oh, I just need your signature on this. Erin erin Ok. [signs paper] thanks. Andy andy Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more? Angela angela I... did not. Kevin kevin I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore. Angela angela [laughing in Oscar's direction] Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! [Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up] I have to go to the bathroom! Kevin kevin That doesn't surprise me. Angela angela That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom. Oscar oscar [In staff meeting] See these forms... Jim jim I have to go to the bathroom! [runs out] Kevin kevin [running from elevator] I have to go to the bathroom! Kevin kevin [Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car] Kevin kevin Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend? Erin erin Look, it's not that I don't want- Andy andy Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect. Erin erin All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said "You can't be a skipper until you're a man." You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance. Andy andy Well, when does the boat leave, exactly? Erin erin Tonight. Andy andy Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail. Erin erin Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now. Andy andy Ok, well then let's leave like right now. Erin erin Yeah, ok. Andy andy Yeah! OK! Let's go. Erin erin Seriously? Andy andy Of course, seriously. Get your coat on. Erin erin Alright. Andy andy Alright. Erin erin Let's do it. Andy andy Let's do it! Erin erin [On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on. Dwight dwight [As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command? Nellie nellie Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris. Dwight dwight Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons? Nellie nellie Yes..? Dwight dwight [Jim mimes taking shirt off] I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together. Nellie nellie [Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather- Dwight dwight Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. [Jim holds up card that says "Now Pants"] Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine. Nellie nellie That's impossible. Dwight dwight Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper? Nellie nellie The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out. Angela angela That's a tough one. Oscar oscar That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can. Angela angela Please, stop. Kevin kevin What? Angela angela Please, stop. Kevin kevin Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs] Angela angela [Getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing] Kevin kevin I'm in big trouble. Oscar oscar Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble. Kevin kevin [pantless] OK, how is my voice now? Dwight dwight I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic? Nellie nellie [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me. Dwight dwight [looking at folder he brought Toby]It's clearly not an accounting mistake. Oscar oscar Yeah. Toby toby So... Oscar oscar Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation. Toby toby Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Oscar oscar This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this. Dwight dwight Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick [points to Pam] Nellie nellie [changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure. Pam pam Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic? Nellie nellie No the paper's not toxic. Pam pam Thank you Sandra! Dwight dwight Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic! Pam pam Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room] Dwight dwight What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?! Jim jim Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves] Dwight dwight Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to? Nellie nellie uhhhh....no one. Dwight dwight Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron? Nellie nellie No, everything's fine. Dwight dwight Are you insulting my guests? Nellie nellie [chokes up] Dwight dwight [on phone] Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion? Kevin kevin I hope that's it, Kevin. Oscar oscar Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that. Kevin kevin Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about- Toby toby Hi. Kevin kevin Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just.. Oscar oscar Oscar, we're in the middle of talking. Kevin kevin Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money] Oscar oscar Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves] Kevin kevin [yelling in break room] That's what I'm saying! No of course not! Dwight dwight What are you doing? Kevin kevin Those figures I gave you? They're false. Oscar oscar How? Toby toby I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively. Oscar oscar So you set him up. Toby toby Yes, he's innocent. Oscar oscar I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible. Toby toby What are you talking about? I just did this now. Oscar oscar A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler.. Toby toby Sure. Oscar oscar I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict. Toby toby That's gotta be tough. Oscar oscar Tough? I put an innocent man on death row. Toby toby The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time? Nellie nellie My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace! Dwight dwight That's yours? Erin erin That's the family boat! Andy andy Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous! Erin erin Right? Andy andy I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America. Erin erin Move. Boat Guy boat-guy Sorry? Andy andy Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way. Boat Guy boat-guy Sure, I um..I didn't know. Andy andy I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people. Boat Guy boat-guy Ok. Andy andy Gee, he was salty. Erin erin Geez, a little bit. [to boat] How you doing old buddy? Missed you. Andy andy What does that one do? Erin erin It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing. Andy andy I wish I had seen you do it. Erin erin Really? Andy andy Yeah. Erin erin [Begins raising sail] Up she goes! Andy andy Don't do that. Don't do that. Boat Guy boat-guy Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me. Andy andy Nope. Can't do that. Boat Guy boat-guy You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. [begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand] Andy andy We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us. Boat Guy boat-guy You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- [Raises sail, guys slaps hand again] wow. Andy andy I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch. Boat Guy boat-guy Ok, fine. Andy andy OK. Boat Guy boat-guy Yeah, fine. Andy andy Good stuff. Boat Guy boat-guy Good stuff. Nice stuff. [begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again] [bleep] Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah. Andy andy Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat. Erin erin I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it. Andy andy Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. Erin erin Fine. But I could have. Andy andy As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain. Erin erin I am the captain. Andy andy Yeah. Erin erin Right? Andy andy Yeah. Erin erin I'm the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school. Andy andy What? Boat Guy boat-guy I'm taking it over from here. Andy andy Nice! Erin erin I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days. Boat Guy boat-guy Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there. Andy andy OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit. Boat Guy boat-guy Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater? Andy andy For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim]. Nellie nellie [using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm] Jim jim Please sir! Spare him. Please. Dwight dwight Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record! Jim jim Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in. Dwight dwight Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace. Nellie nellie Do you even know what you're doing? Erin erin Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. [Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside] Walt? Andy andy Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday. Walter Jr. walter-jr I thought you were in rehab. Andy andy Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here? Walter Jr. walter-jr I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda. Andy andy Bahamas, Andy. Erin erin Same thing. [To Walt] Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on. Andy andy [On phone] Hello? David Wallace david-wallace David, is that you? Dwight dwight Dwight? David Wallace david-wallace Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok? Dwight dwight Yeah? Are you ok? David Wallace david-wallace Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David. Dwight dwight Well, thanks Dwight. David Wallace david-wallace You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok? Dwight dwight Dwight? David Wallace david-wallace Walk out of the house... Dwight dwight What? David Wallace david-wallace ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison. Dwight dwight Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go. David Wallace david-wallace [enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard? Dwight dwight Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! All all [joins in] Shrute! Shrute! Dwight dwight Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected. Dwight dwight Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information. Kevin kevin Well, I am sorry Kevin. Oscar oscar Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion? Angela angela You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters] Kevin kevin Honey! What are you doing here? Angela angela I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? [touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly] Senator Lipton senator-lipton No. Oscar oscar Oscar? What is going on? What was that? Angela angela What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly. Senator Lipton senator-lipton You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who- Oscar oscar Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [claps, group joins] Kevin kevin Well, thanks everybody. Senator Lipton senator-lipton It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A! Kevin kevin U..s..a. U- Oscar oscar I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control. Oscar oscar I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham! Kevin kevin Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever! Andy andy [Standing on dock] Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend. Erin erin [pulling away from dock] Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy! Andy andy Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic. Erin erin [waving from boat] I'll see you in three weeks! Andy andy OK! Erin erin Hey bro! It was here all along. [holding guitar] Walter Jr. walter-jr No way! Andy andy Way! Walter Jr. walter-jr Erin I gotta go![Walt begins playing] Them's my chords! Andy andy Hey. She's back. Pete pete Thanks for covering the phones. Erin erin Yeah, no problem. How was it? Pete pete Fine. Erin erin Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper. Pete pete Does he have a flipper? Erin erin Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk. Pete pete He sounds like an idiot. Erin erin Yeah, he is. Pete pete Ok. Erin erin Ok. Pete pete Thanks. Erin erin Yeah. Pete pete