Andy's coming back today! Andy's coming back today! Ha! Andy's coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time. Erin erin How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that's really good. But I got some disappointing medical news. Dwight dwight Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father. Doctor doctor I told you [Dwight vomits power drink on Angela] Angela angela Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I'm not that good at puzzles. Kevin kevin [as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn't go there. [Kevin shushes him] Oscar oscar So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn't get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time. Kevin kevin For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great. Pam pam You are really good at modesty. She's a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids' room. There's a hippo leading a parade of 500 children-- Jim jim Kay, well, you had that interesting thing. Pam pam Oh, yeah Jim jim Yes, Jim's friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college. Pam pam Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners. Jim jim And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too. Pam pam In Philly, so, that doesn't really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea. Jim jim He said if it takes off he's gonna buy us a new car. Pam pam An Altima or better. Jim jim Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fiancé Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university. Toby toby [tossing out winter coats] I don't need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan. Kelly kelly Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it Toby toby Enjoy the snow losers. Kelly kelly I'm so happy for you Kelly. Erin erin Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons. Toby toby I've actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It's a big university town. And, uh, that's not garbage, it's out clothes. Ryan ryan And that was our summer. Pam pam we good? Jim jim Yeah Off-camera off-camera Don't you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company. Pam pam Well we're more following you guys, to see how you turn out. Off-camera off-camera Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don't think anything's gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there's just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time. Pam pam Andy's coming back today! Erin erin Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out? Clark clark Oh, my god. It's called a garbage can. Stanley stanley Helpless. Phyllis phyllis There's two new guys back there with me now. They're in their 20s. And we really get along. Toby toby [Playing computer game with Toby] You're looking good. Clark clark Just three single guys. Getting into trouble. Toby toby They're like the new Jim and Dwight. Stanley stanley Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect. Nellie nellie Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face. Meredith meredith No thank you. My name's Pete. Pete pete No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith's face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim. Jim jim Andy's here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy's here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy's here. Pam, he's here. [squeals as Andy walks in] Erin erin Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right! Andy andy It sounds amazing, tell us all about it. Nellie nellie What're you still doing here? Andy andy Wonderful, thanks. Nellie nellie You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died. Andy andy Brilliant. Nellie nellie See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It's Clark and, um-- Andy andy Pete! Pete pete In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop. Andy andy What? Why? Pete pete Cause you're always taking dumps. Andy andy No I'm not. Pete pete Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time. Andy andy I love it. Clark clark Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr. Darryl darryl No, I prefer Fart. Clark clark No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane. Andy andy I don't see it. Dwight dwight I don't either. Clark clark Whoa! Mind blown. It's like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr? Andy andy Yes, yes I am. [puts his arm around Clark] Dwight dwight Dwight, Jr! [Dwight gives Clark a noogie] Andy andy In a way it's like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they'll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I'll have a grandson. Dwight dwight Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption. Angela angela The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked? Kevin kevin Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin. Kevin kevin No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look [starts playing video on computer]. He's such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants Angela angela I'll take him. Kevin kevin Please, after the turtle? Angela angela I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle! Kevin kevin Oscar, Oscar, will you take him? Angela angela No, I'm a dog person. Oscar oscar If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person. Angela angela Those guys always change back, Angela. Oscar oscar David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm. Andy andy Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive. David Wallace david-wallace Hey you wanted to see me? Toby toby Yeah, I gotta go David. [hangs up phone] Why is Nellie still here? Andy andy You can only fire Nellie for cause. Toby toby Mm, then I will make up a cause. Andy andy Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you. Toby toby Then forget I just told you that. Andy andy Can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean? Toby toby Now I know why Michael hated you so much. Andy andy Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods! Dwight dwight Yep, body by Cheez-it Clark clark Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested? Dwight dwight I think I'm busy that night. Or I would. Clark clark Well, we're both just kinda learning as we go, aren't we? Dwight dwight Learning what? Clark clark Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head. Dwight dwight Kay. Clark clark So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man? Dwight dwight Is this--is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it. But you should know that I'm into the ladies. Clark clark Spoken like a true root man. Dwight dwight You know, if you're ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you. Clark clark My calls? Dwight dwight So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven't had time to pursue yet? Clark clark You want a list of my clients? You want my leads? Dwight dwight Yeah, I'll just give it a glance-- Clark clark Ok Dwight dwight I'll give it a read. Clark clark With my leads and stuff like that? Dwight dwight Yeah. Clark clark Cause you're interested in going into sales? Dwight dwight I am. Clark clark Wow, that's great. That's great. Ok, good, let's talk about that, ok? Dwight dwight Ok. Clark clark You're not getting my clients! Nice try. Dwight dwight Paranoid? I'm not familiar with the word. And I really don't have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job. Dwight dwight Jim, get ready for the battle of your life. Dwight dwight Done. Explain. Jim jim The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub. Dwight dwight Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday. Jim jim Wait, sales--what sales meeting? Dwight dwight The new guys called one. Jim jim The new guys called a sales meeting? Dwight dwight Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black? Jim jim There's no belt above black. Is there a belt above black? Dwight dwight You should ask him. It's a color you would never expect. [Dwight storms off] Too easy. Jim jim Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn't given me a definite yes or no. Angela angela Definitely no. Oscar oscar Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I'm fine with either, but not both. [to Pam] Listen, you're in this, but you need to wow me, ok? Angela angela I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It's going to be terrible. Andy andy Not necessarily Nellie nellie No I'm going to make sure that it is. And if it isn't, I'm going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don't like to throw around the b-word, but I'm going to be a huge bitch to you. Andy andy Now this is called slack lining. Andy andy I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb. Andy andy If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather. Andy andy Iceman. Rafe rafe That's me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete's foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack. Andy andy You a sports fan? Jim jim Sure, boxing, tennis. Pete pete Oh. Any team sports? Jim jim NASCAR. The Amazing Race. Pete pete Phillies fan, though, right? Jim jim You mean horses? Pete pete No, like baseball. A baseball team. Jim jim Ah, I like the Red Sox. I'm from Vermont. Pete pete Ok. Good talk. Jim jim I have nothing in common with Plop. Jim jim All right, who's next? Nellie? Andy andy Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends. Nellie nellie Nonsense. Get up here. Andy andy Go ahead Kevin kevin Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels? Andy andy I'm very self-conscious about my feet. Nellie nellie Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! [pushes Nellie off slack line] You suck. Alright, who's next? Darryl? Andy andy This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do. Darryl darryl Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed. Andy andy Uh, I guess I could give it shot. Clark clark Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up. Andy andy Ok Clark clark Focus on the horizon. [Clark successfully walks the slack line] Whoa! Look at this guy. Andy andy I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears. Clark clark Go, Dwight Jr! Darryl darryl Hey, yes. Andy andy Boo, unimpressed. It's a tightrope for babies. Boo! Dwight dwight Alright, let's see you do it. Clark clark Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord. Andy andy Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail? Andy andy Ok, I am just getting started, ok? Dwight dwight You got this, it's all you. [as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around] Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It's not a race, Dwight. Clark clark Well it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool. Andy andy [bleeding heavily from the mouth] That's not true. Just give me another chance. Dwight dwight But your mouth is ble-- Oscar oscar This is a bloodbath. Alright, I'm calling this. Toby toby What? Dwight dwight It is enough of this. Everyone, let's go back to work. Toby toby This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. [tries to go in locked door] Idiots. Dwight dwight Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a jump rope! Dwight dwight Dwight! Pam pam Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on. Dwight dwight [sees trapeze contraption] What are you doing? Pam pam Come here, I'll show you. Dwight dwight Why do you want this cat? Angela angela I don't want it, really. Pete pete How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions? Angela angela I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night. Pete pete Have you taken any concrete steps? Angela angela Well, I'm still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list. Pete pete Oh, come on, Pete! God, that's just sad. If he doesn't watch himself, he's gonna be here for years, doing nothing. [sober realization] Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim. Jim jim Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it's literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole. Dwight dwight I will? Pam pam You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn't you say? Dwight dwight Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds. Pam pam So you'll do it? Dwight dwight No. Pam pam Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life. Dwight dwight Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life. Pam pam Come on. Dwight dwight Exactly the way it is. Pam pam No, Pam. Dwight dwight Yes, and there's nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it. Pam pam Please? Please, Pam? Dwight dwight Find someone else, I don't know. Ask Phyllis. Pam pam I can't use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I'll be launched into space. God, you're so insensitive. Dwight dwight Why are you getting rid of it? Pete pete Allergies. Angela angela Your husband? Pete pete No, the baby. Please, it's my husband's favorite cat. He's broken up about it. It's the only time I've seen him cry other than our wedding night. Angela angela You know what? I will take Comstock. Oscar oscar Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you! Angela angela I'll come by after work and pick him up. Oscar oscar Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won't get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight Angela angela C'est la vie. Oscar oscar Please don't teach the cat French. Angela angela [on phone] Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock. Oscar oscar You ready? Pam pam Yeah. You know what? I'll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call. Jim jim Kay. Pam pam Ok. [prepares bike trapeze]Oh, god. Dwight dwight [Jim tries dialing and hangs up] None none Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I'm about to prove it. Dwight Schrute! Dwight dwight Hey, man. It's halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don't. I'm in. Yeah, yep, I'm all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. [hangs up] Yeah! Jim jim Woo! [starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars] Ahh!! Dwight dwight In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company. Creed creed Crap. Sorry, Nellie. Meredith meredith Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would--[hit in the face with trash] Nellie nellie Mm, swish. Stanley stanley Oh, it's nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are. Nellie nellie There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge. Andy andy [As trash is thrown at her] Fluke. Nellie nellie