Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat. Gabe gabe Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah. Dwight dwight I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque. Gabe gabe Oh, I bet you think it's all about core, huh? Dwight dwight Yeah. Gabe gabe Oh, please. Dwight dwight Core's critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One - lengthen. Two - elongate. Gabe gabe Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who's the strongest? Well, there's only one way to solve that - flat curl contest. Jim jim All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go. Jim jim Feast on this, Lewis. Dwight dwight I love the burn. The burn is where I live. Gabe gabe Come on, Gabe, you can't handle his hamstrings. You're getting hypno-thigh-zed. Jim jim Speed set. One. Two. Gabe gabe Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows. Jim jim Oh, thank you. Dwight dwight You're welcome. Jim jim Five. Six. Gabe gabe Quick phone call from you guys, keep going, Jim jim Eight, nine, ten. All all We got it? Gabe gabe Very funny Jim. Dwight dwight Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies. Gabe gabe Everyone, conference room, now. [Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over] Robert robert All right, easy there, grandpa. Jim jim I don't need your help. Dwight dwight Okay. You don't need my help? Jim jim Here, here... Just... Dwight dwight Morning. Andy andy Hey. Erin erin Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot... these. Andy andy Oh. Erin erin You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone. Andy andy Andy, if you're gonna hang out for a while, uh... Erin erin What's this? Andy andy This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in. Erin erin Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me? Andy andy No, of course not. It's just - I think it's like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it's like, where does it end? So just... [puts visitors tag on Andy] Erin erin Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they're rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it's a little much? ...Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that's what it feels like. Andy andy All right, well, enjoy the alumni game. Jim jim Good, we have a deal? Dwight dwight Thanks Janet. Jim jim Thanks so much Earl. Dwight dwight Wow, simultaneous sale. Jim jim And they said it couldn't be done. Boom! Dwight dwight Screw 'em. Jim jim Lot going on guys. What's happening? Andy andy Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs. Jim jim That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo. Andy andy Hey, hey, come on, language. Jim jim Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes. Dwight dwight In the fridge. Jim jim No, Jim, the butt, in his butt. Dwight dwight Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients. Jim jim You two better watch yourselves. Stanley stanley Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients. Phyllis phyllis Shh... shh... [vomits in trash can] Robert robert Robert? Jim jim Why did Binghamton close? Oscar oscar Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and - how should I say this - Columbian whites. What - what is this about, uh, Binghamton? Robert robert The branch closed. Forever. Kevin kevin Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now. Robert robert I got your voicemail. From - from last night. Nellie nellie Wonderful. Robert robert And the answer... is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves] Nellie nellie Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn't hold the memories in? Robert robert Oh, it was this summer - Pam pam Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said. Robert robert Um, I am a little busy. Pam pam Yes, 'course. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me. Robert robert Yeah, I can make you a list. Pam pam Let's do it now. What's number one? Robert robert Why don't I help you now? Pam pam There we go. Robert robert Okay. Pam pam [Andy cooking food by reception, Harry walks in] None none Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute? Harry harry Jim, Dwight, what are your last names? Erin erin And you are... Dwight dwight Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse. Harry harry [shocked look from Jim] None none What the hell's all this? Harry harry Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato. Andy andy You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one's that guy? Harry harry The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it. Jim jim Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to - how do I put this - steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud. Dwight dwight Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money. Jim jim Yes. Dwight dwight Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. [shows sketch] Jim jim [pointing at Toby] There he is. That's Lloyd. Dwight dwight Me? Toby toby Yeah, you. Creed creed Where do you get off crossing state lines? Harry harry Now, we're actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe. Toby toby I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn't back down from anybody. And he calls people "Kimosabe". Toby toby They're New York. We're New York. State line is the dividing line. That's the way it's always been. Harry harry There's actually not a rule that says that. Jim jim That's true. Dwight dwight That's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Toby toby Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands? Harry harry No. Toby toby Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could've choked so many people by now. Dwight dwight Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state. Harry harry I've seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast. Toby toby Just stay out of New York, Lloyd. Harry harry Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [runs outside] Toby toby How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this? Jim jim Robert's here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don't think we were doing that. Harry harry Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg. Dwight dwight Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol - Oh. Robert robert [Doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim. Andy andy Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida? Robert robert Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries. Andy andy Oh, for god - Robert robert Robert California. What a surprise you're here in Scranton. Harry harry Harry... Robert robert So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place? Harry harry How do you mean? Robert robert I forgot, a... a pan, uh - Andy andy No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead. Harry harry Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There's no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems... so poorly timed. Robert robert Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say. Dwight dwight Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions - Harry harry Don't listen to him. Dwight dwight Used to be Binghamton's - Harry harry Nope. Dwight dwight I want it, it's mine. Harry harry Prestige is ours. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert. Dwight dwight We need you to make a decision. Harry harry Make a decision. Dwight dwight I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said... [Andy walks out] Robert robert Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. [walking to car] I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all. Andy andy Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one. Robert robert Is it just me or is our boss a freakin' weirdo? [stands up, walks outside] I'm gonna get some air. Harry harry Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first. Dwight dwight [Gets up and looks out Nellie's office window] He's running! Jim jim Damn it! Dwight dwight Damn it. Jim jim Wha - what is this supposed to be? Dwight dwight It's a monkey. Jim jim Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose. Dwight dwight Hold on, hold on. Is this him? Jim jim What? Dwight dwight Is that him? Jim jim It's him! Do something! Get out! Dwight dwight What? What am I gonna do? I don't - Jim jim Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. [Jim opens passenger door] That's it? Oh, that's great. That's like a five second delay. Dwight dwight Dwight! Jim jim Come on, let's go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos. Dwight dwight Nos? You mean like in fast and furious? Jim jim Yeah. Dwight dwight Oh, yeah, definitely have nos. Jim jim Hit the nos. Dwight dwight Are you sure? Jim jim Yes. Dwight dwight Brace yourself. 3... 2... Jim jim Got it. Go. Dwight dwight 1. Here we go! [turns on wipers] Jim jim Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O. Andy andy Oh, do you have an appointment? Receptionist receptionist No, I do not. Andy andy Okay, I think I can squeeze you in. Receptionist receptionist Seriously? 'Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you. Andy andy He's really not that busy. Receptionist receptionist Is there someone here to see me? Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Yes, this man. Receptionist receptionist Come on in. [Andy walks in] Mr. Ramish mr-ramish So...what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight? Pam pam Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what he does. Nellie nellie : [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don't worry, I won't lay an egg. Angela angela : Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs] Angela angela : I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk. Angela angela Did someone say girl talk? Gabe gabe Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk. Gabe gabe Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines. Gabe gabe Do you think I'd like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish? Nellie nellie Uh, I think you're gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It'll be upsetting if you don't. Gabe gabe I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs. Andy andy Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references? Mr. Ramish mr-ramish No. I'm a rogue. Andy andy Uh-huh. Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now... [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime. Andy andy Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number. Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Of course they have. Which is why I'm giving you a key to my house. [gives key to C.E.O] Whatever you need - anytime, night or day - you just stop on by. Andy andy You want me to drive to your house if I need paper. Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe... you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember. Andy andy Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. [takes off belt, ties doors together] Dwight dwight [Running] Ahhh! [Slides into elevator] Dwight dwight You all right? Jim jim Yeah. [Doors about to close, hand stops them] Oh. Dwight dwight Ah! [Harry walks in] Jim jim [Dwight pushes button for floor two] Dwight, what are you doing? Jim jim Go, go! Take the stairs! Now! Dwight dwight What are you talking about? Jim jim Just run! Take the stairs! Dwight dwight I don't even know where the stairs are! Jim jim I'll stall him. Go! Dwight dwight God! Jim jim [Dwight jumping] What are you doing? Harry harry I'm gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We'll be stuck between floors for hours. [pants fall down] Oh. [Jim runs in] My pants fell down. Dwight dwight What? Jim jim My pants fell down! I don't have a belt! Dwight dwight [walks into lobby] Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Dwight dwight What's going on? Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Well - Dwight dwight Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse - Harry harry I was here first. Dwight dwight Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Mr. Ramish mr-ramish I already made an appointment... with your secretary. Dwight dwight Let me stop you all right here. I've already picked a new paper supplier. Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Wait, it's not D.M Utica, is it? Dwight dwight No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It's... Big Red Paper Company. Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Big Red Paper Company? Jim jim Mm-hmm. Mr. Ramish mr-ramish Yes, yes, yes! Andy andy Give me a cup of coffee. Harry harry Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst? Dwight dwight All right, guys. It didn't work out for any of us, so... we're still on the same team. Let me get these. Jim jim No. Let him get his own. It's Syracuse money. Dwight dwight You know, your partner's got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating? Harry harry Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years. Dwight dwight But you're saying there's a chance. Jim jim Shut up. Dwight dwight [Walks into conference room] Hey. Pam pam Hmm. Robert robert I stole Nellie's phone. Pam pam Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery. Robert robert What do you want from me? Pam pam Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's "yes, yes, yes, yes, never." Robert robert Hi, Nell, it's mom. Do keep your chin up. It can't be as bad as you described. Phone phone Oh yes it can. Robert robert This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections. Phone phone Shopaholic. Robert robert Sounds like it. Pam pam Yeah. Robert robert Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you? Phone phone Ah. Robert robert This is Annie from second nests. I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we're gonna hold out for that. Phone phone Okay, that's enough. [grabs phone] Pam pam Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this. Robert robert No, no, no! Pam pam No, come on. Robert robert Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They're all deleted. Pam pam Pam, Pam, you've completely bungled this! Robert robert Ah. Ahh. [walks out] Pam pam Hey. Pam pam Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal? Nellie nellie Um... yes. Definitely. With your hair - Pam pam Oh! Nellie nellie Certainly. Um... you dropped your cell phone. Pam pam Oh, gosh. Nellie nellie Yep. Pam pam Thank you. I'm... so stupid. Nellie nellie No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything. Pam pam Oh, god, Pam. Don't get me started. Nellie nellie No, I will not. Pam pam You've just got me started. Robert... is... a filthy beast. I mean, don't you get the feeling, he's just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you? Nellie nellie Well - Pam pam I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex. Nellie nellie But sometimes he talks about flesh... and bacchanals. Pam pam I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night. Nellie nellie No... don't. Just put it out of your mind. Pam pam Pam, what is your address? I'm gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don't - Nellie nellie Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper. Nellie nellie Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And... I have a new friend. A friend. At work. Nellie nellie [Erin opens door] Erin. Robert robert There's a call for you on line one. Erin erin Who is it? Robert robert He says salvation. No last name. Erin erin Yeah, hello? Robert robert [in car] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer. Andy andy You're blackmailing me. Robert robert It's just business. Andy andy Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the *bleep* lizard king. [disconnects] Robert robert Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. [gets out of car, walks to house] Andy andy [opens door] Andy Bernard. David Wallace david-wallace You got a minute? Andy andy Um... I'm in the middle of a piano lesson. David Wallace david-wallace I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin. Andy andy Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now... why would I want that? It's worth half of what it was three years ago. David Wallace david-wallace Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today. Andy andy Why don't you come in? [Andy walks in, closes door] David Wallace david-wallace So what would you do if you weren't selling paper? Harry harry Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions. Jim jim What? Dwight dwight Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine. Jim jim How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don't even care about nationals. Dwight dwight Nothing? Harry harry I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you? Jim jim I'd like to sell one big thing, you know? Like... a plane. One sale, I'm out. Harry harry That sounds lovely. Jim jim Anyway, Robert's gonna run this company into the ground, so... We won't be doing this in six months. Harry harry