Whoo! Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there. Holy moley. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis says the same twelve clichés every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates. Jim jim So how was the drive in? Darryl darryl Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain. Phyllis phyllis You don't say? Darryl darryl Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour? Phyllis phyllis Oh, the plants are gonna love this. Phyllis phyllis Yeah. Oscar oscar I actually sleep better when it's raining. Phyllis phyllis Tell me about it. Meredith meredith Time's almost up. How many are left? Oscar oscar Just one. "This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book." Pam pam Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something? Darryl darryl What do you mean? Phyllis phyllis You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain? Pam pam Hey, come on. Jim jim Lots of things are cozy in the rain. Phyllis phyllis And that's noon. Exactly. [others groan] Jim jim I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today. I'm really happy being here. Phyllis phyllis [singing] My girlfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble- Andy andy Hey la, hey la... {Andy} & {Erin} andy erin ...my girlfriend's back! Andy andy [simultaneously] ...his girlfriend's back! [others cheer and applaud] Erin erin Anyway, I know it's the end of the day. We just wanted to stop by and say hi. Andy andy Welcome home. Kevin kevin Thank you. Erin erin Hey, Kev. Andy andy Yeah. Kevin kevin Nice sweater. Andy andy [wearing a Cornell sweater] Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets. Kevin kevin What happened to old salty? Andy andy Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato. Dwight dwight I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter. Dwight dwight Okey dokey. [knocks on door] Andy andy Yes? Nellie nellie Whoa. Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about. I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about. Andy andy Oh yes. Nellie nellie I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence. Andy andy You are most welcome. Nellie nellie Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back, whenever you get a chance. Andy andy No. Nellie nellie Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all this stuff out of here. But, you know, the sooner the better. Andy andy Mm-hmm. Nellie nellie Get back to normalcy. Andy andy Hmm, no. Nellie nellie ...and then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby. [Pam, Jim and Kelly laugh] But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call. Ravi ravi Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But seriously, we don't want to bother you any more than we already have. Pam pam That's it. Jim jim It's no bother, you guys are our friends. Kelly kelly Ravi, our amazing pediatrician, was asking us if we knew any girls and I said I know the perfect girl. Pam pam Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it. Jim jim Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together. Pam pam [talks over flashbacks] Kelly has been a handful in the past. Pam pam [cries, slams fist on desk] Why? Kelly kelly [Ryan and Kelly make out in the nook] But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict. [Ryan and Kelly argue] And I just had to get her clean. Pam pam [Ryan and Kelly make out on Oscar's desk] Get lower. Kevin kevin Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby. Ryan ryan Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do NOT shake the baby. Jim jim Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that. Ryan ryan Don't shake our baby? Pam pam Yeah. Ryan ryan Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you. Pam pam Oh, my God. Ryan ryan Yeah, I'm glad you said something. Pam pam Me too. Ryan ryan Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not. Ryan ryan Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh? Ryan ryan Yeah, they're really great together. Pam pam Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love? Ryan ryan That's about it, yeah. Jim jim Nellie! You've been terrific in your interim capacity. But, Andrew is the rightful manager so if you would just give him his office- Robert robert No. Nellie nellie I'm sorry? Robert robert This is what I was trying to tell you. Andy andy I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me. [laughs] Robert robert Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it because then it feels so good when they finally say yes. Nellie nellie You're both adults. I'm sure you can figure this out between yourselves. Robert robert I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way. Robert robert I'm gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office, I'm going to dock your pay one hundred dollars. Nellie nellie [chuckling] Okay. Andy andy Five... four... Nellie nellie You can't dock my pay- Andy andy Angela! Dock Andy's pay one hundred dollars. Nellie nellie On it! Angela angela Great. Five, four, three, two, one. Angela, please dock Nellie's pay a hundred dollars. Angela? Andy andy Do you want to go again? Nellie nellie Angela? Andy andy Let's go again. Five... four... Nellie nellie Ooh, she's counting again. Andy andy Three... two... one... Nellie nellie Oh, oh! Andy andy Angela, two hundred dollars! Nellie nellie You got it. Angela angela Seriously, Angela? Andy andy I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago. Andy andy When I see him start to get mad, I just put my hand on his arm like this. Erin erin I know what, let's go... ten thousand dollars! [Andy laughs] Five... four... Nellie nellie You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless. Andy andy Three... Nellie nellie It's literally like- Andy andy Two... [Andy runs out of the room] one. Nellie nellie There you go. [helps Andy in the car] Hey. we're gonna have a nice, hot date. Erin erin Hey. So last night was so not a big deal. Erin erin Oh, yeah, I was just tired. Andy andy We both were. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self. Erin erin Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on. It just didn't last night. Andy andy Really. It's not a big deal. Erin erin Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal. Andy andy I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you. Ryan ryan Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share. Kelly kelly Yeah, the fractional ownership property. [sigh] Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight. Ryan ryan God I don't even remember what that fight was about. Kelly kelly You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link. Ryan ryan I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change. Ryan ryan When you lost the manager job- Erin erin Yes? Dwight dwight Did it affect you outside of the office? Erin erin How? Dwight dwight I don't know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis? Erin erin Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never. Dwight dwight Oh, okay. Erin erin Okay? Dwight dwight Okay. Erin erin Washington Monument. Dwight dwight Oh. Erin erin Eiffel Tower. Dwight dwight Okay, okay. Erin erin I saw you were getting along with Ryan again. Pam pam He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, "Kelly, that will be the color of our children." Kelly kelly Yeah, he's so great. Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though? Pam pam Which time? Kelly kelly I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I- I felt like that question was coming. Pam pam One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that. Dwight dwight Every day I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office. Most of it's irrelevant. But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on. Dwight dwight Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that. Dwight dwight What do you mean? Nellie nellie Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant. Dwight dwight I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood. Nellie nellie Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room. Nellie nellie You can't call a meeting. [laughs] But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting. Andy andy Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started. Nellie nellie Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So. Andy andy No. Nellie nellie Wanted to talk to all of you guys about [reads whiteboard] importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important. Andy andy Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence." Robert robert Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy. Nellie nellie "Take a man's job, but leave him his balls." Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie. Nellie nellie This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem. Nellie nellie It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male. Dwight dwight Nellie, does the person affected by this want us to help her in any way in particular? Oscar oscar Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no. I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men. Nellie nellie [in unison] How old? {Robert} & {Creed} robert creed Jinx. Buy me some Coke. Creed creed Dwight told me about it earlier. Nellie nellie Dwight! Erin erin What? All all You promised! Erin erin Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie? Kevin kevin No, no, no, no, no, It's not me. I'm gonna prove it right here and now. [thrusts his pelvis] Dwight dwight What are you doing? Angela angela What is this? Oscar oscar Stop that! Dwight! Stop that, stop it. Angela angela Fine, it was me. I couldn't- I had a problem with Erin last night. Happy? Andy andy I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview. Andy andy Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog? Andy andy Um... Jim jim Uh... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- you're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what. Darryl darryl It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating. Robert robert Fascinating. Andy andy I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton. Gabe gabe Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with Little Chumbo? Nellie nellie Tip-top shape. Kevin kevin Oh... Stanley? Nellie nellie No. Um-um. Stanley stanley Creed, you are a thousand years old. Nellie nellie Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did. Creed creed Okay, so I- Andy andy Actually Andy, I think maybe we experienced it. Pam pam What happened? Jim jim That a couple of times- Pam pam Couple of times. Jim jim Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times. Robert robert Yeah Jim. Dwight dwight Yeah Jim, get it out there. Andy andy Um... I don't... Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted... Jim jim Okay, stop. Pam pam I was very drunk. Jim jim If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was forty-two. And then when I did, it lasted 'til I was forty-four. Phyllis phyllis Forty-three was ju- I got nothing done. [laughs] Phyllis phyllis I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help. Gabe gabe Ugh. Angela angela This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on. Gabe gabe No, that's absolutely the case. Robert robert I know, right? Gabe gabe You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it. Dwight dwight Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? [Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands] Robert robert Ooh, ooh! Kevin kevin Wow, what are we talking about? Jim jim Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff? Erin erin Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything. Toby toby The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral. Nellie nellie I almost didn't come in today. [laughs] Robert robert [on the phone] Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. I don't think you have to tell your friends anything. It hasn't been decided yet. Andy andy Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional. Nellie nellie Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! [throws phone] Take 'em yourself! Erin erin Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses! Andy andy And Andy is the manager, not Nellie! Erin erin Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! [into phone] Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you! Andy andy Okay, just calm down. Nellie nellie You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit. Andy andy Andy, why don't you just take a seat? Robert robert Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair] Andy andy And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels? Erin erin And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground] And your stupid office! [punches hole in the wall] Ah! Andy andy He does not like that wall. Darryl darryl Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together. Erin erin That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys. Andy andy Andy, Erin, you can join us now. Robert robert Hey, I hear you been bad-mouthing me to Kelly. Ryan ryan All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly. Pam pam Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face. Ryan ryan Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much. Pam pam Well a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is. Ryan ryan Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better. Oscar oscar For Kelly? Ryan ryan Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package. Kevin kevin I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy. Nate nate Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it. Ryan ryan Oh, no, no, no. Pam pam Oh, come on. Oscar oscar Read it, please. I love amazing poetry. Pam pam No. It would cause me too much pain. Ryan ryan Read through the pain. Be strong. Pam pam This poem would crush you! Ryan ryan Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend! Oscar oscar Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous! Please leave her alone. Kevin kevin You see, Kelly? Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world. Ryan ryan Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me. Kelly kelly Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kind of funny. [chuckles] Robert robert No. Andy andy Excuse me? Robert robert I'm saying no. Andy andy Well you can't say no. Robert robert No. Andy andy [sees Ryan on the horse] Oh, boo! Boo! Boo to you! Boo! Pam pam You are toxic! You are toxic! Ryan ryan Boo! Pam pam Hey, hey. Okay. Jim jim Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt. Ryan ryan I wasn't going to interrupt. Kelly kelly Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably. Ryan ryan Barf! Ugh, you suck! Pam pam What is your problem? [to horse wrangler] Hey, hey, hey, can we turn this back around quickly, please? This is very important to me. Ryan ryan Turn around. Turn around. Turn around! Wrangler wrangler Can we turn this [bleep]-ing thing around? Thank you. Ryan ryan She don't wanna turn around. Wrangler wrangler Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly. Ryan ryan Ryan. Kelly kelly Will you roll those dice with me? Ryan ryan You mean so much to me. But, I love Ravi and I choose him. Kelly kelly No you don't. Ryan ryan I do. Kelly kelly No you don't. Ryan ryan I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug? Kelly kelly What? [they hug] Ryan ryan That was really cool. [they make out] Kelly kelly Ugh. Eww! Angela angela Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing. Jim jim Oh God! Angela angela Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job. Robert robert No. Andy andy It's the apology. I really have to insist. Nellie nellie [British accent] No. Andy andy Stop saying no. Nellie nellie No. Andy andy Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say? Robert robert No. Andy andy I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive. Andy andy Here- [grabs the box Andy's holding] Erin erin Ah- da, da, da, da. I got it. Andy andy But you hurt your hand. Erin erin I... Got... It. Andy andy Right now? Erin erin Yes. Andy andy You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul? Pam pam Not at all, can we go? Jim jim "Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches." Pam pam Second line. Jim jim "He is a drifter out to sea." Pam pam "And when the Indian Ocean calms, one speck of white remains in waters cold and Kelly green." Jim jim It's just so dumb. [chokes up] But when he describes himself as a child, lost on the life raft... Pam pam Uh, Ryan can never know. Jim jim