Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card? Pam pam Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh that's not good. Jim jim Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious. Phyllis phyllis It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache. Pam pam Stanley doesn't have a moustache. Jim jim Yeah he does. Pam pam Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache. Oscar oscar Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not? Pam pam Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this! Pam pam Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face? Jim jim 'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business. Angela angela Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache] Pam pam Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left. Dwight dwight [bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him? Gabe gabe Okay, quick. Who says moustache? [Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands] Jim jim Yep. Dwight dwight Who says no moustache? [Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face] Jim jim [reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha! Gabe gabe He does have a moustache. Phyllis phyllis Yes! Dwight dwight Welcome back, Stanley. [Stanley grunts] Pam pam "Good morning, Robert," says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. [no one responds] Pam! Robert robert Oh! [takes out earbuds] Pam pam Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz"? Robert robert Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day. Pam pam People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being- Robert robert Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness. Nellie nellie [laughing] Nellie, really, nine fifty? Robert robert Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze. Nellie nellie Ah. Robert robert Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse! Nellie nellie [laughs] I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman. Robert robert Ah ha! Nellie nellie I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason. Robert robert Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it. Nellie nellie No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life. Robert robert Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here? Nellie nellie [in unison] Yes. {Kevin} & {Meredith} kevin meredith Ugh! I hate that! No offense. Nellie nellie None taken. Kevin kevin Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive. Oscar oscar oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless! Nellie nellie Who's a native? Stanley stanley Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. [everyone groans] Nellie nellie What does that mean? Oscar oscar Okay, okay. Dwight dwight If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm? Nellie nellie Nellie? Robert robert Yes, Robert! Nellie nellie You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in. Robert robert Yeah. Nellie nellie Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place. Robert robert Why Jim? Dwight dwight The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community. Robert robert I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible? Pam pam I'm sorry, we're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment. Jim jim I'm still not sure why this woman is even here. Pam pam Why is she here? Jim jim [sings] Two crazy kids on the journey of life. Andy andy [sings] Going to Pennsylvania. Erin erin On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania. Andy andy Oh. That must be nice. Erin erin Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy. Andy andy Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents. Erin erin Oh. Hmm. Andy andy [sings] Time to have a little kiss! Andy andy No. Erin erin Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official. Andy andy Yes. Erin erin I believe in that. Andy andy Yes. So do I. Erin erin I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important. Andy andy Important. Erin erin Mm-hmm. Andy andy I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her. Phyllis phyllis I know, right? Pam pam She's always late, she's always rude... Oscar oscar It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party. Phyllis phyllis Yeah. Oscar oscar On purpose. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis! Pam pam [laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle] Angela angela Order carrot cake. [laughter] Phyllis phyllis ...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you. Andy andy Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds. Erin erin Consider it nailed. Andy andy [vocalizing] I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario. Erin erin Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know- Andy andy [whining] What? Erin erin I just need you to know- Andy andy What is it? I didn't sleep well last night. [they laugh] Erin erin [lifting box] Ugh! Ow. Dwight dwight Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door. Jim jim Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? "Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is." Dwight dwight That was one time- Jim jim I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic. Dwight dwight Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic. Nellie nellie [cell phone rings] Excuse me, one second. Hi. Jim jim Hey, what's up? Pam pam Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight. Jim jim [shouting] Haulin' cube! Dwight dwight That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler. Jim jim So we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're gonna make it really bad. Pam pam Sounds like every other party. Jim jim No. We're gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card. Pam pam Oh! Hire a magician. Jim jim What? Pam pam Trust me. Jim jim [laughs] Okay. Pam pam Wow. There's a lot of cars here. This is just weird. Andy andy [knocks on car window] Andy! Hey, what are you doing here? Lauren lauren Hey, Lauren. Look at you. Andy andy Well, I know. Look at me. Lauren lauren I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica. Andy andy Aww! [clicks tongue] Lauren lauren Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car. Andy andy Oh. God. Lauren lauren So, I'm Erin. Hi. Erin erin Yep. This is Erin. Andy andy Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here! Lauren lauren Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go? Erin erin Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just- Andy andy Oh, Jess! [claps] Look who stopped by after his business trip! Lauren lauren Andy! Hey! Jessica jessica I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account. Dwight dwight Yes, you should. Jim jim [finds shoe box] Ooh. Dwight dwight [reads] "Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie." Jim jim I have to see these shoes. Dwight dwight I doubt that they're sh- Jim jim Oh! Dwight dwight Whoa. Who is this guy? Jim jim Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend. Dwight dwight Boyfriend. Jim jim Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend. Dwight dwight Like a boyfriend? Jim jim You read my mind. Dwight dwight Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out. Jim jim Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician. Dwight dwight Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup. Jim jim [walks in] Oh. Nellie nellie Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just... Jim jim I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry. Nellie nellie Why not call... Dwight dwight Shh! Jim jim God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant. Nellie nellie That's awful. What kind of restaurant. Dwight dwight Dwight! Jim jim I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one? Nellie nellie I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories. Jim jim If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick. Dwight dwight Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this. Nellie nellie No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or... Jim jim God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician? Nellie nellie [in the phone] You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let's give up on all this mean stuff. Jim jim What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don't have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you. Pam pam No, that's not what I- Jim jim Jim, could you give us a hand? Nellie nellie Absolutely. Yeah. [whispers] Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It's way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me. Jim jim Oh, okay. Okay, I will. [hangs up phone] Pam pam Pam, we have a great idea. Angela angela Listen to this. Oscar oscar We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It's gonna make everyone sick. Angela angela Or what if... Pam pam Okay. Angela angela We discuss... [Angela and Phyllis giggle] the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. [giggling stops] Not mean. Pam pam I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know. Angela angela We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point. Oscar oscar What are you talking about? Yes we can. Pam pam What I mean to say is we don't want to. Oscar oscar Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks. Phyllis phyllis [pops balloon] Suck it! [cheers, applause] Lauren lauren Andy- Erin erin It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis? Andy andy No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears. Erin erin These are delicious. Andy andy But... they're penises. Erin erin And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. [party guests groan] Lauren lauren Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don't know Matthew's history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. [laughs] I don't know. I just- I don't think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don't pop that one. Andy andy No, pop it. Pop it! [Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer] Party guests party-guests Hey. Jessica jessica Hey. Andy andy Sorry. It's kind of a madhouse. Jessica jessica [grabs Andy] Ahh! Megan megan Oh! Ah, Megan. Andy andy You are one of the good ones, nard dog. Megan megan Aww. Andy andy No, really. [to Jessica] Where's my Andy? Megan megan I dunno. Jessica jessica Oh, he's out there. Andy andy Aww. Are you going to sing for us? Megan megan Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so... Andy andy That's not like you. That's not like you. Come on, sing! Sing! Megan megan [singing] By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes... Andy andy Okay, they're almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? [rips down ugly photo of Nellie] Pam pam Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag. Darryl darryl Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult. Ryan ryan Plus everyone would know who you meant. Oscar oscar Yeah! Ryan ryan No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst? Pam pam Nobody's named Monday. Angela angela Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember. Ryan ryan 'Cause there's someone already here named Pam. Pam pam Shh, here she comes! Kevin kevin Hey! All all Welcome to your party. Phyllis phyllis Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long. [plays off-tune notes] Creed creed Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible." They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie." Creed creed Maybe we should just go. Erin erin No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you? Andy andy Uh, yeah, sure. What's up? Jessica jessica Uh, maybe we could talk in private? Andy andy Uh, yeah. What is it? Jessica jessica Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends. Andy andy You're breaking up with me? Jessica jessica Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now. Andy andy Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it? Jessica jessica Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay. Andy andy What? Jessica jessica I am gay, and I prefer men. Andy andy I knew it! Kenny kenny You did not, Kenny! Andy andy You invited me to go shopping with you. Kenny kenny I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay. Andy andy Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable. Jessica jessica Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos. Andy andy I can't say it doesn't make sense... Jessica jessica Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but- Andy andy Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just... I'm just upset for now. Jessica jessica Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. [hugs Jessica, grunts] So... we should probably... go. Andy andy This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent. Robert robert To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company. Oscar oscar Cheers. Robert robert Why thank you. Nellie nellie Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company. Oscar oscar Cheers. All all Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. [laughter] Angela angela Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with. Jim jim We hate Pam. We hate Pam. Creed creed We hate Pam! We hate Pam! All all So we've established- Magician magician No. No. Jim jim -that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear? [sets off flash paper] Magician magician Oh! [laughter, murmuring] Pam pam That was a really rough scene. Erin erin Right? Rough scene. Andy andy Yeah. Erin erin Oh... at least we can kiss now. Andy andy Oh, yeah. [gives him a quick kiss] Erin erin You know, that stuff that I said about you to her... I did- That's just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time. Andy andy Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah... I feel really tired. Erin erin Yeah. Andy andy Probably from seeing that turkey. Erin erin Oh yeah. Andy andy When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it. Erin erin Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh? Magician magician Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer. Jim jim no, Nellie, she- Robert robert I'll do it. Jim jim Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is. Magician magician [picks a card] It's the four of hearts. Jim jim Oh, no, you- Robert robert Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya? Magician magician [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly? Robert robert Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory. Magician magician Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place. Jim jim But I never could seem to figure out those knots. Magician magician That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears. Pam pam [yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here- Magician magician Okay scram, wizard. Dwight dwight What? Magician magician You heard me! Dwight dwight Huh! Magician magician Well Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician- Robert robert Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see? Nellie nellie Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party. Robert robert You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth? Kevin kevin What? Why are we- Erin erin I just gotta do one thing. [leaves car, knocks on door] Andy andy Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who's here. Megan megan What are you doing here? Jessica jessica Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material. Andy andy Why the hell did you come back here? Megan megan Go away. Jessica jessica Get lost! Kenny kenny Get out! Woman woman Okay. Andy andy You're done! Lauren lauren Bye guys. Andy andy Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? [Andy and Erin run to the car] Yeah, run away! Lauren lauren You're disgusting! Kenny kenny I can't believe you're not gay! [Andy and Erin kiss] Lauren lauren Yeah get out of here. Kenny kenny Don't come back. [someone throws food at the car] Lauren's Friends laurens-friends Uh-oh! [laughs, they drive away] Erin erin You don't even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car! Lauren's Friends laurens-friends Hey Hank. Pam pam Yes ma'am. Hank hank I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician. Pam pam Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open. Hank hank Well, turns out he actually made it up there. Jim jim What? That ain't right. Hank hank Yeah, he came and went. Pam pam Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? [Pam nods] You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been... Hank hank Let's just- let's go. Pam pam Night-night. Jim jim