Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late. Dwight dwight Wake up! [Cathy screams] Dwight dwight Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! [Erin kicks him] Ow! Why are you sleeping that way? Dwight dwight Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep. Erin erin Stanley! Wake up! You've got to wake up, the hotel's on fire! Dwight dwight Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! [Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth] Erin erin Mmm! [struggles] Ugh! Stanley stanley [lets go] Good morning. Dwight dwight Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now. Erin erin Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. [sees Dwight] Oh, not cool! Ryan ryan I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- [hears door, hides] Jim jim Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man. Dwight dwight What do you think happened? Erin erin Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. [Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream] Dwight dwight Puppet. Jim jim Cool, for your kids? Cathy cathy Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before. Jim jim Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan. Dwight dwight I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her. Dwight dwight I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel. Dwight dwight What does he like? Saleswoman saleswoman Power. Dwight dwight Okay, and this one is, "Huh. Don't see too many museums around here." Ryan ryan Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car. Dwight dwight Hey, are you okay? Erin erin I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming. Dwight dwight Who says none of us are diarrheal? Erin erin Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you. Jim jim Very funny, Jim. Dwight dwight Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, "For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?" and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something? Jim jim I'm gonna set your face on fire. Dwight dwight That's a good one. [a red sports car drives up] Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub? Jim jim Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod. Stanley stanley Yes. Jim jim You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins. Stanley stanley Loggins and Messina. Jim jim Did I say "Messina?" [tires screech] Stanley stanley Ahh! [laughs] Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet. Andy andy I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today. Creed creed It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... [drops pin] I thought that would be cooler. Andy andy I loved it. Darryl darryl Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet. Meredith meredith Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it. Andy andy Can we see that? Did you really find it? Oscar oscar Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. [chuckles, clicks tongue] In the trash. Andy andy Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail. Pam pam Oh great. [overlapping chatter] Everyone everyone We're screwed. Kelly kelly There. [phone rings] Pam pam Oh! There we go! Pam? Andy andy Yeah? Pam pam Can you get the phone? Andy andy Well I'm not the receptionist. Pam pam Mm, well, you used to be. Andy andy I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do. Pam pam Phone's ringing. Andy andy Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. [Andy and Pam silently argue] Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone! Kelly kelly Somebody! Answer the phone. Everyone everyone Andy, pick up the phone! Kelly kelly Get the damn phone. Stanley stanley You're the closest one to it. Meredith meredith Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. [ringing continues] Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service? Andy andy Man. Jim jim How was the drive? Cathy cathy Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast. Jim jim Life is short. "Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse." That's one of my mottoes. Stanley stanley I would love to hear the other mottos. Jim jim Quick query, Halpert. Todd Packer todd-packer No way. Jim jim Still queer? Todd Packer todd-packer Packer. Dwight dwight You can't put me down. Too strong! Todd Packer todd-packer Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch- Todd Packer todd-packer Psst. Say, "So who's leading this thing, anyway?" Nellie nellie So who's leading this thing, anyway? Ryan ryan Psst. Say, "I can't wait to meet him." Nellie nellie I can't wait to meet him. Ryan ryan Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader? Nellie nellie I- Ryan ryan You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, [points to her head] and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. [slow clap] I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. [points to Jim] After you decided I wasn't "a good fit-" Nellie nellie It was- Jim jim Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, "Yes!" So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like? Nellie nellie Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one. Cathy cathy No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic. Nellie nellie Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter. Cathy cathy Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it. Nellie nellie Yeah! Erin erin Let me just get the projector working. Nellie nellie Uh. [eats antacids] Dwight dwight You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote. Jim jim You didn't poison me, it's just stress. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim What is the antidote? Dwight dwight True love's kiss. Jim jim Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. [points to Ryan] You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon. Nellie nellie I'll do it! I always say, "You want something done right? Ask Dwight." Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. [reaches up, whimpers] Dwight dwight I can do it. Todd Packer todd-packer Mmm! [screams, pulls down screen] There we go. Dwight dwight [on phone] Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. [to Jim] What kind of poison did you use? Dwight dwight Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding. Jim jim Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. [sees chart on screen] Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed. Dwight dwight Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. [winks] Nellie nellie Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance? Emergency Operator emergency-operator Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot. Dwight dwight I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time. Todd Packer todd-packer Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual. Nellie nellie Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense. Todd Packer todd-packer You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter. Dwight dwight Did you say "masturbator?" Todd Packer todd-packer I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter. Dwight dwight Why are you sitting down like that? Nellie nellie Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over! Dwight dwight Wow. Are you that bored? Jim jim It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate. Stanley stanley Is that another motto? Jim jim It's whatever you want. [offers Jim the bottle] Stanley stanley Mmm. Jim jim Or do you only drink with your kids? Stanley stanley Ah, let's do it. [laughs] Oh, that's healthy. Jim jim I've spent so much of my life telling myself "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes. Jim jim We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm? Nellie nellie Yup. Tallahassee, let's go. Todd Packer todd-packer Jim, are you in? Erin erin Oh, I don't know. Jim jim Sounds like a hoot. I'm in. Stanley stanley All right, what the heck? Let's do it. Jim jim This is great. This is gonna be great. Todd Packer todd-packer I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt. Nellie nellie I'll be on top. It's the most important position. Dwight dwight Dude, I think you have appendicitis. Ryan ryan [tries to climb human pyramid] Ahh! Dwight dwight Dwight? Ryan ryan Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while? Jim jim Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit! Dwight dwight Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen. Todd Packer todd-packer [groans] Stop moving! Dwight dwight No one's moving! Jim jim Oh! [collapses] Dwight dwight Oh, oh! [general commotion] Everyone everyone Arrest Jim. He poisoned me. Dwight dwight Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning. Jim jim The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty. Jim jim You need an operation. You have appendicitis. Paramedic paramedic Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net. Ryan ryan How long will he be gone? Erin erin Two or three days. Paramedic paramedic Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen. Dwight dwight Drama queen, am I right? Todd Packer todd-packer [to phone] Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. [presses button] Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up. Dwight dwight That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting? Todd Packer todd-packer Whoa, are those mini pizzas? Pam pam Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck. Andy andy Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? [giggles] Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge. Kevin kevin Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through. Andy andy Oh [bleep] yeah. Darryl darryl Up high. Andy andy Yes sir. Thanks. Darryl darryl Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. [whispers to Kelly] I put out some new magazines, check it out. Andy andy Ah, Dwell. Creed creed I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. [phone rings] Oh, there's the phone! Andy andy I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in. Dwight dwight Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later. Erin erin Who's doing the presentations? Dwight dwight Packer's giving one. [Dwight growls] Jim'll probably give ours, I guess. Erin erin Damn it! Dwight dwight Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna- Erin erin -features a tech support area. Bring in your product, a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot. Huge for building loyalty. Todd Packer todd-packer Very good point. Nellie nellie Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting. Dwight dwight Dwight, are you all right? Nellie nellie I'm great. How are you? Dwight dwight What's our presentation about? Dwight dwight Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours. Jim jim I got the surgery, what else is there to do? Dwight dwight Do a hundred jumping jacks. Erin erin No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks. Dwight dwight I don't feel like it either! Erin erin [doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine- Erin erin I want that vice-presidency. Dwight dwight You haven't done any of the research. Jim jim "You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name." You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it. Dwight dwight Aw, let him do it. Stanley stanley Stanley, are you listening to music? Jim jim Yup. Stanley stanley All right, who's ready for the next presentation? Dwight dwight Ah, what is your topic? Nellie nellie What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is. Dwight dwight Retail consumer habits. Erin erin Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... [sighs] The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. [Erin makes the first slide appear] Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay. Dwight dwight Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean? Dwight dwight I can field this one. Ryan ryan No, sit down. "Seasonal." Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. [Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips] Thank you. [Dwight sticks his head in the bowl] Oh, God. Next slide. Dwight dwight Mail call! [sings] His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt. Andy andy Are those the lyrics? Kevin kevin Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions? Dwight dwight What are the three pillars of retail? Nellie nellie [whispers] Convenience. Erin erin Ingredients. Dwight dwight Service. Erin erin Burgers. Dwight dwight Building loyalty. Erin erin Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters. Dwight dwight Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight. Nellie nellie Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim? Dwight dwight You are bleeding through your shirt. Jim jim Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. [ties jacket around wound] Ah. Dwight dwight Hey, having fun? Pam pam Yes I am, as a matter of fact. Andy andy Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here? Pam pam I found my calling. Andy andy Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog. Darryl darryl Guys, I don't like this analogy. Pam pam [groans] Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? [points to pens in cup] Andy andy It's nice. Pam pam I mean... [Pam giggles] Andy andy How are you feeling? Nellie nellie Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle. Dwight dwight Can I see the wound? Nellie nellie [show her the wound] Oh God. Dwight dwight Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed. Nellie nellie You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass. Dwight dwight A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet. Nellie nellie That's right. Dwight dwight That is amazing. Todd, look at that. Nellie nellie Oh, yikes. Incoming- [tries to touch the wound] Todd Packer todd-packer Ah! Not so fast. Dwight dwight Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you [points to both] have a lot to offer. Nellie nellie It would be an honor, ma'am. Todd Packer todd-packer I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now. Dwight dwight I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix. Dwight dwight [answers the reception phone] Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew. Andy andy Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin? Donna Muraski donna-muraski Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks. Andy andy Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her. Donna Muraski donna-muraski I miss her too. Andy andy Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. [cheers, claps] Nellie nellie Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos- Wally Amos wally-amos What's under the cloth? Stanley stanley We'll get to that. Wally Amos wally-amos Cookies. Bet you anything it's cookies. Todd Packer todd-packer It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first. Wally Amos wally-amos Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! [everyone goes for the cookies] Nellie nellie Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I- Erin erin Is it oatmeal with no raisins? Wally Amos wally-amos I'm sorry to have wasted your time. Erin erin