[knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk] Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning. Dwight dwight Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR. Dwight dwight Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult. Dwight dwight No. No. No. You're way off on that one. Creed creed Oh yeah? Dwight dwight Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot. Oscar oscar Hey guys let's just all admit it. Ok? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever going to go back on it right? Jim jim That's right Jim. Dwight dwight Hey man. Darryl darryl [jumping up from an almost sitting position] Hey. Dwight dwight Taking a load off huh? Darryl darryl No. Putting a load on more like it. Dwight dwight Good luck with that. Darryl darryl Last thing I need is luck. [hunches down again] Dwight dwight [to Angela] Thank you so much. [hums] Dwight dwight [sees a pole poking out Dwight's pant leg] What are you up to? Oops look out! [grabs Dwight's wallet] Jim jim What are you doing? Give that back. Come on! Dwight dwight Prank! [throws money from Dwight's wallet on the floor] Jim jim Oh that's real creative. Dwight dwight You know what it's not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right? Jim jim I could, but I just don't feel like it loser. Dwight dwight Because you're sitting? Jim jim Standing. Dwight dwight Ok. Jim jim Don't! Dwight dwight Because you're sitting? Jim jim Standing. Dwight dwight You know I have to do this. Jim jim I know. [Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams] Dwight dwight [signing his name] Andrew... Baines... Bernard. Andy andy I think you could just do Andy Bernard. Jim jim Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it's like taking a test, but I know the answers. Andy andy [loudly knocking on the window] In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. [to Mrs. California] There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator? Robert robert What was that? Andy andy I don't know. He wasn't talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn't hire his wife. Jim jim That's why my foundation - The Dream for a Wish Foundation - is going to put them out of business. They're not going to know what hit them. Ryan ryan Everyone. I'd like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone. Robert robert Hello. Oh call me Susan please. Susan susan Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she's here today to see if there's a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager. Robert robert Hello nice to meet you. Susan susan Hey there. It's a pleasure. Andy andy Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she'll shine. Robert robert I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We're 100 percent staffed up. Andy andy Andy. Let's see if there's a good fit first. Then we'll talk. Robert robert Alright. Andy andy Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Dwight dwight You don't have to say it if you're doing it. Darryl darryl [laughs] Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics? Dwight dwight Uh weight lifting yeah. Darryl darryl Well today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look? Dwight dwight I'll take a look. Darryl darryl Your path from obesity begins right here! Dwight dwight I've been meaning to join a gym. [narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val] For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents. Darryl darryl Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash. Dwight dwight Alright! The DM Express is pulling out. Andy andy Well it was really nice to meet you Brian. Susan susan Actually Ryan. Ryan ryan Oh, Ryan. Susan susan Bitttch! Ryan ryan We will start here at Erinville. Andy andy Hi. Susan susan Hoo-hoo! Erin erin Reception. Your classic one-man operation. Andy andy Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries. Erin erin I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying. Andy andy Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn't you agree Andy? Robert robert I'll explore exploring it. Andy andy Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I'll just duck out and run the company for a while. Robert robert Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. [Jim laughs nervously] Alright have at it. Let 'er rip. What do you hate about this place? Andy andy Well it's sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection. Jim jim Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it. Dwight dwight Jim? Andy andy Well it's not that easy. It's kind of sometimes difficult. Jim jim It's the second easiest job in the world. [to camera] Being a mom. Dwight dwight I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that. Susan susan That is true. Dwight dwight You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute. Andy andy That's me. Dwight dwight Dwight why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals. Andy andy Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale [makes gun click noise]. Dwight dwight Well make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings [makes gun click noise back]. Susan susan Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? [montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan]. The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now. Andy andy Ready? What do you think? Dwight dwight Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5. Darryl darryl You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke [squats, grunts and lifts] Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station [tries and fails to tear a phone book in half]. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month... Dwight dwight Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym. Darryl darryl Darryl... [picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire] Dwight dwight Make a real gym. Darryl darryl I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping. Susan susan But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is. Andy andy Uh I could work in customer service. HR even. Susan susan Those are fully staffed as well. Andy andy Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands? Robert robert [laughing nervously] Yes. Andy andy I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do. Robert robert Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about- Andy andy Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there's no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don't we just let it go. Susan susan No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think. Robert robert There are lots of considerations. Andy andy I would be eternally grateful. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one. Robert robert Alright. Well then welcome aboard. Andy andy So what happens next? Susan susan We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. [phone rings] Hang on. Hello? Andy andy [on phone] Say hello grandma. Robert robert Hi gam-gam. Andy andy Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, "are you taking your medicine?" Robert robert Are you taking your med-meds? Andy andy Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. [Robert and Andy hang up phones] Robert robert You didn't say goodbye to your grandma. Susan susan We promised we'd never say goodbye. Andy andy Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion. Dwight dwight All I need is another gym. As if I don't have enough drama. Oscar oscar We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom. Phyllis phyllis Who's spotting who? Don't use the bike in the corner. That's Bruce's. Jeremy says... Oscar oscar Enough Oscar, enough. Angela angela Kelly? Dwight dwight I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet. Kelly kelly That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time. Dwight dwight Did you bring your passport with you? Toby toby Who walks around with their passport? Susan susan Well, I do. Always ready for adventure. Toby toby Have you had any? Susan susan No. Toby toby [sees Susan is busy in the annex] Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away. Andy andy Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her? Oscar oscar it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her. {Andy}/{Oscar} andy oscar How can we do that? She's simply wonderful. Kevin kevin This is all pathetic. Angela angela I am not asking, I am ordering. Andy andy How mean are we talking about? Oscar oscar It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable. Andy andy Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her. Erin erin Here you go. [gives Susan a tiny stapler] Erin erin Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer. Susan susan Well that's a sales desk. Erin erin Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know. Kevin kevin No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing. Jim jim That's Gerald. [hands phone to Jim] Oscar oscar Oh, wow. So cute. Jim jim Oh, that is so cute- Susan susan [grabs phone] Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle? Phyllis phyllis Yeah, he's in a ladle. Oscar oscar That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle? Erin erin He did it himself. Oscar oscar Is that ladle stainless or... Phyllis phyllis Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma. Oscar oscar Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. [Jim chuckles] Susan susan It's not that kind of ladle. Oscar oscar Very cute. [holds out the phone] Jim jim Aw, let me see- Susan susan [grabs phone] Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this. Oscar oscar I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert. Susan susan Your employees don't seem to be taking to me. Susan susan Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this. Robert robert [in robot voice] What is going on? Andy andy [chuckles] Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night. Robert robert Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you? Andy andy Do you not want me here? Susan susan Why would you say that? Andy andy It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either. Susan susan It's not that, exactly. Andy andy But it is something. Susan susan Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that. Andy andy Why would you not want me working here? Susan susan I don't know. [chuckles] Andy andy I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he? Susan susan Yes! The dude is an enigma. Andy andy Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he? Susan susan Ah... [stammers] Andy andy Got it. Susan susan What do you think you're doing? Dwight dwight Getting my sweat on. Darryl darryl I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds? Dwight dwight I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill. Darryl darryl I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was? Dwight dwight No. Darryl darryl Eight minutes! Dwight dwight Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow. Darryl darryl Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? [points] I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James! Dwight dwight It's Lejon Brames. Darryl darryl That's what I said. Dwight dwight You know, get it right. Darryl darryl I know. Dwight dwight [to Susan] Cameras... Andy andy [enters] Oh, still here. Terrific. Robert robert Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here. Susan susan Well that's a shame. Robert robert It just was one of those things- Andy andy Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine. Susan susan Where did this come from? Did Andy say that? Robert robert No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him. Susan susan What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person. Robert robert You sure about that? Susan susan Absolutely. Robert robert No games? Susan susan No games. Robert robert Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me. Susan susan Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest. Robert robert Andy? Susan susan Yes? Andy andy Why do you keep looking at my husband? Susan susan Andy, just answer the question. Robert robert No games? Andy andy No games. Robert robert Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen." [laughs] Andy andy You lying son of a bitch! Robert robert Tell my wife you're lying. Robert robert I am lying. I am a compulsive liar. Andy andy That's not true, is it? Susan susan No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there. Andy andy This is preposterous. Robert robert Robert... Susan susan Let's get Jim in here. [Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim] Where's Jim? Robert robert He just rolled out and crawled out. Erin erin Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this. Robert robert [to Hank who is closing the gate] Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. [runs] Jim jim [sees Jim's abandoned car] That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere. Robert robert [shoe falls while climbing ladder] Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. [grunts] Creed. I was never here, all right? Jim jim Okay. What about your friend? Creed creed Oh boy. Jim jim This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked. Dwight dwight Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say. Darryl darryl First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor. Dwight dwight Okay, I'm not doing that. Darryl darryl Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl! Dwight dwight I didn't know Darryl joined. Gabe gabe Looks that way. Darryl darryl Nice pelvic bowl. Deep. Gabe gabe Hello Jim. [Jim tries to escape] Robert robert [grabs Jim's leg] No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna! Andy andy So I think you know what we want to know. Robert robert Do I? Jim jim Yes. Robert robert [mutters] I know, I do. Jim jim Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness. Andy andy I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can... Jim jim For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here? Susan susan That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse. Jim jim [laughs] I think we've got ourselves an answer. Andy andy No. Robert robert That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day. Andy andy Perfect! Jim jim Jim... Susan susan Yes? Jim jim Answer the question, please. Susan susan [sighs] I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking. Jim jim All right. Thanks. Robert robert Yes. All right. Great. [leaves] Jim jim Uh... Andy andy Yeah. Robert robert Yep. Andy andy [Robert holds the door, she walks through] Thank you. [leaves] Susan susan [claps Andy's shoulder] Heh. Robert robert Andy. Susan susan Hey, Mrs. California. Andy andy Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today. Susan susan You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me. Andy andy Yeah, I thought we really hit it off. Susan susan Yeah. Andy andy Well, different circumstances. Susan susan Yeah. Andy andy Who knows? Susan susan Who knows? Andy andy Maybe after all this settles down... Susan susan Totally. Andy andy It's a date. Susan susan Hmm? Andy andy You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh? Dwight dwight This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy. Darryl darryl Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again! Dwight dwight Dwight, come back and spot me. Darryl darryl All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want? Dwight dwight To push this bar up. Darryl darryl No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal? Dwight dwight Help me! Darryl darryl What do you want!?! Dwight dwight To look good for Val! Darryl darryl Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen. Dwight dwight They say that if you can strengthen your core, it improves your sexual performance. So, you will find me on the Ab-Blaster. And then you will find me blasting...uh, a very nice young woman. Gabe gabe Gotta get in shape. I'm doing Ironman next month. And I want him to be attracted to me. Meredith meredith Hey, what are you listening to? Dwight dwight Steve Martin. [laughs, then falls] uh, I'm fine. [grunts] Gabe gabe Um, where's the shower? Erin erin There is no shower. Dwight dwight There isn't? Kathy kathy What does this look like, a shower store? Get lost. Dwight dwight You have got to be kidding me! No shower?! Oscar oscar Exercise lengthens life. Improves mood, boosts sex drive, and I've already covered the BM of it all. It's miraculous the effect that I will have on their lives. Dwight dwight So, Roberto Californio doesn't want to work with his wife. I get it. And, he wants to give his wife a job. Totally get it. What I am struggling with is the part of this that's impossible. Andy andy I love my wife. Robert robert This whole thing is making me very uncomfortable. I'm not getting between the boss and his wife so just ask me about something else. You know Stanley's tie is really the story of the day... Jim jim It's my birthday. Stanley stanley Ok, so that's a disaster. Luckily have a two-part plan. One, run. Two, hide. It's pretty smart, right? [walks into Vance Refrigeration office] Hi, how you doing? I'm Jim Halpert from across the hall. We are redoing our supply closet and I was wondering if I could take a look at yours for some ideas. Jim jim Let me just check with Bob. Bob's Secretary bobs-secretary You absolutely should. He said it was ok, so till you get him, I'll just be in, you know. [closes door behind him to supply closet] Jim jim [on phone] Bob? Jim just went into the closet. Bob's Secretary bobs-secretary Ugh! He's always one step ahead of us! How does he do that? Andy andy This is insulting! Susan susan This whole accusation is insulting. Come on. Robert robert