The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients- Gabe gabe Oh my God, kill me! Kelly kelly Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay. Andy andy Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair- Gabe gabe [whispers to Jim] I'm gonna do it. Pam pam And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another- Gabe gabe Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness! Pam pam Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody! Jim jim I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary. Pam pam [after Angela gives her a stack of files]: I'm going into labor! Pam pam Or should I have corndogs. I mean- Phyllis phyllis I'm going into labor! Pam pam Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one- Ryan ryan I'm going into labor. Pam pam Here we go! Pam pam Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it. Andy andy Yeah. Kelly kelly It's not fair, you guys. Oscar oscar Pitiful. Kelly kelly It's stupid. Meredith meredith Never cry wolf. Andy andy Okay. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Oh. [liquid splatters] Erin erin Oh! Oh! Pam pam Oh! Oh my goodness! Everyone everyone Oh my God! Jim jim I'm really in labor! This is happening! Pam pam Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you! Jim jim Oh! Pam pam How do you feel? Jim jim Drive carefully! Erin erin Good luck! Oscar oscar Goodbye! Good luck! [empty bottle falls to the ground] Everyone everyone False alarm. Pam pam [on the phone] What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it's like a war out there. Andy andy I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle. Andy andy Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that? Andy andy It's right here in PA. Erin erin [gags, coughs] Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is- Andy andy Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg. Angela angela That sounds super inspiring! I'm in! Andy andy Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War. Dwight dwight Actually it is the northernmost. Oscar oscar Ha! Dwight dwight The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible. Dwight dwight Charge! Andy andy Well, this could be fun. I- Phyllis phyllis Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal? Andy andy What's the halal option? Ryan ryan Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese. Andy andy Out. Ryan ryan You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me? Andy andy I'm in. Erin erin I'm in too. Phyllis phyllis Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction. Dwight dwight Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge. Andy andy Yes! Kevin kevin [passes out hats] One for you. Andy andy Cool. Thanks. Erin erin And one for you. Andy andy Cool. Thanks. [puts his hat on Erin's head] Jim jim And- oh. You missed your head. [laughs and puts hat on Jim's head] There you go. Phyllis, think fast! Andy andy All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War. Andy andy You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV. Darryl darryl Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless? Phyllis phyllis It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it. Andy andy Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Everyone everyone All right, all right, all right. Andy andy Not food and stuff. Kevin kevin Here. Like it? Pam pam Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit. Kevin kevin I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies. Pam pam The fire pit is a no-brainer. Kevin kevin Oh, hi there. Robert robert Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again. Pam pam Where is everyone? Where is Andy? Robert robert Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg. Kelly kelly Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office. Robert robert Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon. Ryan ryan So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! [wakes her up] Excited! Robert robert [tries stapler/marker combo] Okay. Kevin kevin You guys... Andy andy J-j-j-ju... Darryl darryl Get excited! Andy andy Shh! Movie's almost over. Darryl darryl All right! We're here. Limitless can wait. Andy andy Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.' Gabe gabe Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back. Andy andy I got Source Code on the way back. Darryl darryl Ooh! All right! Everyone everyone Woo! Andy andy Whoa, where you going? Andy andy Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right? Jim jim Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists. Andy andy No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour. Jim jim Yeah, sign says "Begin tour here." Phyllis phyllis Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour. Andy andy After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch. Andy andy [to Dwight] Yeah, but I'm confused... Erin erin Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre... Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Erin erin ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms. Dwight dwight Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths. Erin erin Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. [laughs] I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written. Dwight dwight Dwight, what are you telling this girl? Oscar oscar The truth. Dwight dwight Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better. Oscar oscar Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said. Erin erin No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth. Dwight dwight Interesting. Erin erin Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed. Dwight dwight Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal? Oscar oscar Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this- Dwight dwight he's a historian. Oscar oscar Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war? Dwight dwight Yes, yes, yes! Oscar oscar Not by a long shot! Dwight dwight No! Erin erin Yes! Oscar oscar No, it was not! Dwight dwight Argh! Oscar oscar No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern? Dwight dwight What? Oscar oscar Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle! Dwight dwight Erin- Oscar oscar Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar. Dwight dwight Get out of here! Erin erin I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we? Robert robert May I go first? Ryan ryan Absolutely. Robert robert Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper. Ryan ryan This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with? Robert robert Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so- Ryan ryan That was bad. Robert robert If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister. Stanley stanley The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with. Robert robert In the African-American community- Stanley stanley No. Robert robert [murmurs] Thought it was worth a try. Stanley stanley That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought? Darryl darryl Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most- Park Ranger park-ranger Excuse me, I got a question for you. Dwight dwight Sure. Park Ranger park-ranger Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms? Dwight dwight Uh, I haven't heard of that one. Park Ranger park-ranger Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut? Dwight dwight I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding. Oscar oscar We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho! Andy andy [taps Gabe's shoulder] Are you Lincoln? Chelsea chelsea No, no, I'm- Gabe gabe Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it. Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture. Gabe gabe Okay, Quick. Gabe gabe Hey! Lincoln's starting. [light applause] Man man Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- [laughter] Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. [laughter] Gabe gabe Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it. Pam pam I am not. Robert robert Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Pam pam At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet. Pam pam Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is. Robert robert Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So... Kevin kevin Cookies. Cookie placement. Robert robert Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.' Kevin kevin Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? [everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs] There you go. Consensus. Robert robert Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy. Ryan ryan [as Lincoln] I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits. Gabe gabe No! Audience audience 'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... [scoffs] like, forget it. Kevin kevin Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants? Robert robert how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal. Stanley stanley That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. [laughs] Robert robert Thank you. Kevin kevin By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus? Jim jim Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought. Andy andy Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry. Jim jim Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride. Andy andy Hunger for hamburger. Darryl darryl Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl? Erin erin That's good. Darryl darryl Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? [holds up flag] I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars. Andy andy Only two hundred dollars? Jim jim We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left. Andy andy Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man. Darryl darryl Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo! Andy andy Spangler Springs is a mile this way. Andy andy Oh wow. So that's two miles if you incorporate the walk back. Jim jim Its... I mean come on. Andy andy I don't think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus. Phyllis phyllis Alright fine. You know what - I guess this place just hasn't rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I'm still going. And I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm not even going to look back. I'm just going to assume that you're with me. Andy andy [Andy looks back to find everyone sitting] You said you weren't going to look back. Dwight dwight And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared? Robert robert I don't know. Kevin kevin Right. I mean you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane. Robert robert Yes. I am an accountant. Kevin kevin Dwight - this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him. Oscar oscar Really? Dwight dwight Yeah. Oscar oscar Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms. Dwight dwight Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War. Archivist archivist You've heard about it? Oscar oscar YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on. Dwight dwight There you go. Archivist archivist Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front. Narrator narrator Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris. Soldier soldier Hallowed ground. Dwight dwight But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war. Narrator narrator [on film] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers - these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive... and well... fabulous. Amanda amanda Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up. Oscar oscar I've seen enough. Dwight dwight You're right. There should be a monument to this. Oscar oscar Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart. Kevin kevin [laughing] Kevin! Robert robert Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea. Ryan ryan What?!? No! Kevin kevin Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging. Robert robert It's really, really good Robert. Let me explain. Ryan ryan No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me. Kevin kevin Well what is the idea? Robert robert Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands. Kevin kevin You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. [patting Kevin on the back] That is 100 percent your idea. Ryan ryan Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time? Robert robert [making pencil imprint] Dammit. Andy andy Hey. Darryl darryl You guys came. Where's everyone else? Andy andy Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich. Darryl darryl Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders. Andy andy Yeah sorry everyone else didn't come. I think they're just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery. Jim jim Even without an audience you're still at it. Andy andy What are you talking about? Jim jim Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That's what you did with this trip. Andy andy Andy - this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It's just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you're our regional manager. And guess what man? You don't have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head. I'm wearing a very pink hat. I've been getting weird looks all day because I'm pretty sure "DM does GB" means something kinda sexual. But guess who's wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That's huge. Jim jim You don't like the hats? Andy andy They're terrible. Jim jim I hate myself. Darryl darryl They just didn't turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird. Andy andy [voiceover the three walking] The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that's good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really more like they're just people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah that's really probably a better analogy now that I think about it. Andy andy Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. [in Lincoln voice] Oh Mary this is wonderful... Ok Mary stop your scolding. I'll be quiet. [aside to the audience] I need her like I need a hole in the head! [scattered chuckles from the crowd] [Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head] BANG! Ooh [Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink "DM does GB" hat and runs off] Gabe gabe Haha! There he is. You mind lending a hand? I'm typing up a memo to share your ideas with the board. Robert robert I can do that. Kevin kevin Great....ok. Robert robert Your arm feels good on my back. Kevin kevin For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies. It's not my specialty. My specialty is pizza. But I'm flexible. Kevin kevin Charge! Andy andy Isn't Gettysburg like three hours away? Kelly kelly No. It's like two hours and forty-six minutes. Erin erin It's kind of a haul, so we should probably get going. And tuna, I made a special sandwich for you, guess which kind. Andy andy Tuna? Jim jim Yes! Tuna of the land. Turkey. With pesto. Andy andy And to drink? Jim jim Water. Andy andy Oh-ho, I am in. Jim jim I'm excited, I've actually never been to Gettysburg. Uh, my family was gonna go once, but then my brothers convinced me if was full of dead soldier zombies, so I freaked out and we turned the car around. But I'm older now, I can outrun a zombie. Jim jim Getting everyone on the bus, check. Giving everyone hats, check. Sexiest eastern European girls, uh, check. Andy andy Hey, Devil's Den is that way, we should check it out. That's where the snipers hid. Darryl darryl Please! Everyone and their mother goes to Devil's Den. It's the Olive Garden of Gettysburg. Andy andy Oh, I like Olive Garden. Phyllis phyllis Well, I meant that in a bad way. Obviously it tastes good, but it's not cool. Andy andy Where do all the cool kids go when they come to this consecrated ground? Jim jim That is what I'm showing you. Andy andy I know what you guys are all thinking right now: Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some confederate soldiers, but you know what? Joke's on you. It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully. Dwight dwight Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either. Dwight dwight Guys! Over here, we found the bus. Oscar oscar Open the door, Jim. Phyllis phyllis It's locked. Jim jim Are you sure? Yeah, it's locked. Phyllis phyllis It's not locked, gimme that... Dwight dwight That's weird, if it's not locked, why isn't it opening? Jim jim It's, it's latched closed. Dwight dwight Ok, you know what? Andy probably has the number for this guy. I'm gonna find him. Jim jim I'll come with you. Darryl darryl Ow! Ee! I sat on my sandwich. Phyllis phyllis And that's how the printing press was invented. Oscar oscar [enters office doing Michael Jackson impression] Everybody beat it. Don't beat it, stay where you are. Andy andy There you are. Dillinger Graphics said their shipment is late. Erin erin What did you say? Andy andy Nothing, I just- Erin erin What would you say? Andy andy That it'll be the first shipment out today. Erin erin That is exactly the right thing to say! Do it! Git-er-done! Phyllis, you just married Joe Order, you're new name is Phyllis Order [fill this order], get it? Andy andy I don't get it. Phyllis phyllis Jim, in regards to our high-five scheduled for four PM today, it has been moved up to now. Yes. Andy andy We didn't have one scheduled. Jim jim