[entering office] Hey. So, we saw a new billboard. Jim jim Yeah? Pretty cool, huh? Andy andy What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager? Andy andy How'd it look? Andy andy You've seen it, right? Jim jim No. Andy andy Andy, somebody defaced it. Pam pam What? [Stanley enters office laughing] Morning, Stanley. Andy andy There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity. Jim jim Erin, how long did we order those billboards for? Andy andy Six months. Erin erin Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company. Andy andy [entering office] Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it. Meredith meredith Which one did you see? Andy andy Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it. Meredith meredith Okay, don't be gross. Jim jim [entering office] What's going on? Dwight dwight Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way. Pam pam Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me? Dwight dwight Yeah, Dwight. Andy andy No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! [running from building] No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! [stopping in front of defaced billboard] NOOOOOOOOO! Dwight dwight Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far. Dwight dwight Just give us the address. We'll look it up online. Ryan ryan It's simpler this way. Dwight dwight It's really not. Oscar oscar Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m. Andy andy I don't get the reason for this party. Kelly kelly Yeah, what's the reason? Phyllis phyllis What's the reason, Andy? What's the reason? Kelly kelly It's just a garden party. Sheesh. Andy andy You don't need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It's a garden party. You don't need a reason. Andy andy Few other super simple reminders - no burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl? Andy andy What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time? Darryl darryl I get it, I'm being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all... step it up. Andy andy Andy, we understand basic table manners, we're not children. Oscar oscar Yeah, it's just a picnic. Phyllis phyllis This is not a picnic, Phyllis, it's a garden party. Andy andy There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring. Darryl darryl Aw, ew, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules. Andy andy How is that better than a barbecue? Pam pam What's the dress code on this? Ryan ryan I'm glad you asked - Connecticut Casual. Andy andy Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business, i.e. this is what I'm wearing to your party. Stanley stanley Guys, my family just threw a garden party to celebrate my brother's promotion. It was a huge success. Check it out, there's a video online. Heartwarming impromptu father-son duet. Andy andy Yeah, Oscar, you showed me this. Kevin kevin I've seen this, that's not you. Darryl darryl Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage? Meredith meredith It's my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so... Check it out, that's my brother's boss. Look how psyched he is, he's having an awesome time. Andy andy Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party? Jim jim Yeah, of course. Ye... I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did. [groans from the group] Andy andy Why didn't you just say this was to impress Robert California? Phyllis phyllis I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy, how about you don't steal my business strategies, and I won't dress like my life is just one long brunch? Gabe gabe See you all there at 3 p.m., Connecticut Casual, remember your manners, and have a wonderful time. Andy andy And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you. Dwight dwight [pointing to computer monitor] So, we've typed in the address, now let's take a look at the street view. [picture of Dwight and Mose on a see-saw] Jim jim They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by. Dwight dwight Ah. Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea? Jim jim There's so much more to it than that. Dwight dwight I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. [holds up book, Throwing A Garden Party by James Trickington] Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. [laughs] Dwight dwight I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. [holds up same book] I've only sold one copy. Jim jim Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles? Angela angela Nope. Pam pam I've already gone up another cup size. The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick? Angela angela Cece was around 22 weeks, but Phillip was much earlier. Pam pam Phillip? Angela angela Oh, oh my gosh. Yes, but don't, don't say anything, okay? It's after my grandfather. Pam pam Phillip is the name that we're using. It's after my favorite cat. Angela angela [giggling] Oh, wow. Funny. It's after my grandfather. Pam pam It's after my cat. Angela angela [on the phone] Andrew, I've picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade. Robert robert Ooh, that sounds great. Andy andy Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade. Robert robert Sure. Andy andy You don't want to hear the other one. You love marmalade. Robert robert Uh, I'll hear the other one. Andy andy It's a basil plant. Robert robert You know, the marmalade sounds great. Andy andy I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she's very interested. Robert robert Then the basil will be fine. Andy andy Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. [hangs up] Robert robert Hey, where do I park? Toby toby I'm the valet. You have to give me your car. Mose mose Uh, you know what, I can go park it myself. Toby toby I'm the... I'm the valet. You have to give me your car. Mose mose It's probably okay... Toby toby Give me your car. Mose mose I think it's better that I... Toby toby Give me your car. Mose mose It's a finicky car... Toby toby Get out. Have a good time at the thing. Mose mose It's a little tricky, you might have to... take... [Mose speeds away] Toby toby MR. RYAN HOWARD! Dwight dwight Chapter 2 - Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present. Jim jim STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT! Dwight dwight How's it going over here, guys? Andy andy Andy, stop hovering, you're being really annoying. Oscar oscar Didn't mean to bother you, Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table. Andy andy Wow. Oscar oscar MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD! Dwight dwight So, you all work with Andy. Walter walter Well, technically FOR Andy. Andy andy Technically FOR Robert California. He's our CEO. Oscar oscar I thought you were the CEO. Ellen ellen I don't know how you got there. Andy andy You said you were running the company. Walter walter This branch, I'm the regional manager. Andy andy Yes, that makes more sense. Are you all regional managers? Walter walter Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves, which, as a matter of fact, they did, last week. They threw one for my baby brother who is totally amazing, but I couldn't care less. Andy andy Can I introduce you around now? Andy andy Uh, yeah, we don't have too long, we have theater tickets. Walter walter What are you going to see? Andy andy Money Ball. Walter Jr.'s choice. Walter walter What?? Andy andy Hey Bronard! Walter Jr. walter-jr I didn't know you were going to be here. Andy andy I wouldn't have missed it. Walter Jr. walter-jr Ahh! [bird steals her hat] Erin erin I'm Walter, Andy's younger brother. Walter Jr. walter-jr Oh, hey, how are you doing, I'm Jim. Jim jim Tuna, right? And this must be your lovely wife Pam [looking at Meredith]. Walter Jr. walter-jr No. Jim jim Hell no. She wishes. Meredith meredith No, no, no, no, no. No. Jim jim Sir, I need to be able to feed all the guests. Waiter waiter [mouthful of food] I understand. Kevin kevin Set that down. [grabs waitress] Present yourself. Dwight dwight Chapter 4 - One of the host's most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon. Jim jim LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA! Dwight dwight Hello Andy. Robert robert Welcome. Andy andy Thank you. Robert robert Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad. Andy andy Yes, hello, nice to meet you. Robert robert Pleasure. Walter walter Andy, where shall I put your basil plant? Robert robert Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade. Andy andy No, I'm certain you said basil. Robert robert This is not funny, man, let me down. Ryan ryan I think this thing is broken. Kevin kevin It's not broken, Kevin. This is how it works. Ryan ryan So pretty today. Andy andy It's getting chilly. Ellen ellen We really should be leaving. Walter walter Yeah, um, it would be weird if the boss man didn't make a toast, so, hang on. Everybody, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming, and to raise a glass to my amazing staff. Andy andy Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That's my favorite part about toasts, the reciprocity. Andy andy Let's hear from you guys, who do you want to toast? Andy andy Yeah, I'll say something. I think we should be acknowledging our boss, because none of us would be here without him. Robert California! [everyone toasts] Darryl darryl I can't believe I didn't think of toasting Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress? Gabe gabe I would like to toast someone who isn't here but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Phillip Lipton! Angela angela I also would like to toast Phillip Halpert, who is due even sooner. May he be a good namesake to my grandfather who I promised as a child long before tonight that I would one day name my son after him. To Phillip Halpert! Pam pam She just always has to copy anything I do! It's the Ford Taurus situation all over again! Angela angela I'd like to make a toast to the troops. All the troops. Both sides. Ryan ryan I think we should toast... Erin erin Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper. Dwight dwight Chapter 9 - The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party. Jim jim Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California. Kevin kevin I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California,... Gabe gabe You can't triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once. Andy andy I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy. Robert robert Yeah, yeah. Andy andy You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager, one day the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers. Robert robert To Robert California, from the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you... Gabe gabe Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr., please report to the stage! Andy andy I'm eating, Andy. Walter walter Ah, come on! Andy andy Okay. Okay. Walter walter Yes! Andy andy What do you want to do? Walter walter Well, how about one of our classic father/son duets? [starts playing guitar] Andy andy Oh, whoa, sure? Really? It's a little tricky. Walter walter [singing] Saying I love you is not the words... Andy andy It's too high. Walter walter Yeah? Andy andy It's high but it's not that high. Walter walter Right, it feels strange. Andy andy Just take it down a little. Walter walter Saying I love... Saying I love you... Andy andy Here, give it to me. Okay. Uh, something like... [singing] Saying I love you is... Walter walter ...not the words... {Andy} & {Walter} andy walter You don't come in yet. [singing] ...I want to hear from you, It's not that I want you... Walter walter ...not to say it but if you only knew... More than words is all you have to do to make it real... {Andy} & {Walter} andy walter Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin! Andy andy [holding up cell phone] It's either taping or calling. Erin erin What would you do if my heart was torn in two... {Andy} & {Walter} andy walter You know what, Walter Jr. is here. Why don't you come up and join us? Walter walter Dad, no. I'm just having a good time getting to know Andy's friends here. Walter Jr. walter-jr Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and you'll never be able to sing again. Woo! Meredith meredith [singing] May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true. And do unto others as you'd have done to you... {Walter} & {Walter Jr} walter walter-jr [applauds] Cheers! Alright! Cheers, cheers, cheers, get your own guitar. Andy andy If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. {Erin}'s Cell Phone erin Sorry. Erin erin I am so cold. Kelly kelly That's because you didn't bring a jacket. Ryan ryan My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer? Dwight dwight Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here. Robert robert Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking? Dwight dwight Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me? Robert robert I can get you exotic meats - hippo steaks, giraffe burgers... Dwight dwight We'll talk. [walks away] Robert robert It'll all be goat. Dwight dwight Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn't even my worst sales call. Andy andy [knocks] Hi. What was that display? Walter walter I don't know, I just thought if I could throw this great garden party and show you how respected I am that you'd be proud of me. Andy andy Andrew... Walter walter I know, I know that you're proud of me. Andy andy I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. How long are you going to go on needing my approval? You're a grown man, don't act like a little boy who needs... Walter walter I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too. Darryl darryl Guess we found Andy's rosebud. Oscar oscar Rosebud? Darryl darryl It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are. Oscar oscar I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was, it just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed. Darryl darryl Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree. Oscar oscar No. You're wrong. Darryl darryl Are you sure? Robert robert Yeah! I'm too hot anyway. Ryan ryan My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? I've never been there! Oh, ah, yes, that's nice. Thank you. Robert robert It was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food... Walter walter Sandwiches were dry. Ellen ellen Bye Tuna, bye Pam! Walter Jr. walter-jr Hey everybody, I'm gonna leave and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry. Andy andy Cheeseburger or hamburger. Darryl darryl Um, cheeseburger. Andy andy Narddog. [throws Andy a can] Oscar oscar Thanks, Oscar. Andy andy What are they doing? Pam pam Closing ceremonies. Jim jim Nice touch. Pam pam I think I left my wallet in your house. Jim jim Who cares. Dwight dwight Right here. Jim jim MR. JAMES HALPERT! Dwight dwight Keys, keys... Jim jim Stop forgetting things. Dwight dwight I didn't forget them, they're right here. Jim jim MR. JAMES HALPERT! Dwight dwight I'm so sorry, I think I forgot that thing... Jim jim What? Idiot. Dwight dwight Whoo. Jim jim MIS... MI... What are you doing? Dwight dwight Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office? Jim jim That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT! Dwight dwight I cannot believe how condescending Andy's being. Oscar oscar He gets condescending when he's nervous. Or when he's excited or sleepy. Not an easy person to be friends with. Darryl darryl Well I just hate being treated like some bum with no class. I'm a lady. I'm a mother. I'm a former boxer! Meredith meredith Hey guys, getting psyched for the party? Ryan? Can I count on you to wear an understated satirical outfit? Andy andy Can't wait. A folk colonialist gathering when unemployment's at 9%. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Ryan ryan Awesome. Andy andy Erin....the receptionist! Dwight dwight Oh, oh, oh, Kevin. I am reminded of a lame but useful saying I learned as a kid. What is the difference between Hors d'oeuvres and the animals on Noah's ark? Andy andy What? Kevin kevin With Hors d'oeuvres we only take one at a time. Andy andy Oh, OK. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a blonde? Kevin kevin Chapter seven: The host should always present something spectacular to draw the eye of his guests. Jim jim When all this is over, I'd like to actually go to one of Trickington's parties, they sound like a blast. Dwight dwight Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you...the Alamo! [reveals lump of ice] Dwight dwight Little Cici asleep? Angela angela Yeah, she just went down. Pam pam Such a precious little angel. Angela angela Aww. Pam pam Cecilia....and Phillip. Angela angela Yes, after my grandfather. Pam pam Phillip is wasted on you. Jim is never gonna take the time to call him Phillip! He doesn't even take the time to get a haircut. And Phil! Ugh! It's just something you do to a hole! Angela angela Well I'm having my baby first, so that's that. Pam pam You know what? It could go either way. My doctor said my hips are so dainty that I'll most definitely have a C-section, so I could go early. Angela angela You think your doctor's going to give you a C-section at six months? Pam pam Yeah! If I request it he will. And that is that. Angela angela My parents are used to a certain type of class. The people that I work with are a different type of class. One is not better than the other, it's just that maybe one's a little higher than the other? Andy andy