It is six a.m. [DeAngelo yawns] and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars! Michael michael Yes, and this happens every...? DeAngelo deangelo Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. [DeAngelo laughs] Michael michael Well, you know, why don't we try it, and if it goes good it'll be part of my tradition. DeAngelo deangelo Why do you always say that? You're gonna love it. Michael michael [arriving at the first house] Alright let's go! [DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction] This way, this way! [Michael knocks on the door] Michael michael Thanks. DeAngelo deangelo Surprise! Michael michael Congratulations! DeAngelo deangelo Yep, okay... Jim jim You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards! Michael michael Okay. Jim jim [holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows] Here we go! Have Pam come down. Michael michael No she doesn't wa- She's not here. Jim jim What's going on? Pam pam Stay in bed! Jim jim [next house] Congratulations! Michael michael Have you lost your mind! Get off my property before I call the police! Stanley stanley We got it. Michael michael Uh, leave it at the door or...? DeAngelo deangelo Yeah that's fine. Michael michael [next house] Hey Toby! You suck! [throwing eggs at his house] Michael michael Is this an employee of ours? DeAngelo deangelo [giggles] Go go go go go go! Michael michael [arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house] I've never seen this place in the daylight. Michael michael It reminds me of Katrina. DeAngelo deangelo Here we go, alright got it? Set? [the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly] Hello? [turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house] Michael michael I'm so busted! Walk of shame! Meredith meredith Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar? DeAngelo deangelo Ahh, Nice! I got a Dundie nomination! Meredith meredith Yes you did. That's right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out. Michael michael No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins. [walks into her house] Let me fix you breakfast! Meredith meredith [whispers] I'm not going in there. DeAngelo deangelo [quietly shuts the door] Go. Michael michael [walking into the office] Good morning Erin. Michael michael Oh hey, didn't see you. Erin erin You have big plans for tonight? Michael michael I don't know, maybe volunteer at the shelter, or go to bed, or... I don't know. Maybe I'm going to the Dundies!! [Flashes her Nomination Certificate] Erin erin You are getting so funny! [Erin giggles] Very good. Michael michael The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on. Michael michael Anything can happen at the Dundies! [DeAngelo laughs] They're like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time! Michael michael Just a little announcement folks, remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair. Dwight dwight Black tie optional. Michael michael Every day is black tie optional! Dwight dwight A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies! Michael michael Nice! [rest of the office looks excited] Kevin kevin I love their breadsticks! Phyllis phyllis Oh, their breadsticks are like crack! Pam pam I love when people say like crack when they've obviously never done crack. Ryan ryan Well the breadsticks are like what then, Ryan, what can I use? Pam pam I don't know, something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking. Ryan ryan You're right, you're right. I'm a middle class broad. [Jim does his "Jim face"] Pam pam Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody's right. They're like breadsticks on steroids. Right? Michael michael Yeah that's great. Ryan ryan So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I'm going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. [Dwight looks suspecting] And that person is [he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll] DeAngelo! [all applaud] Michael michael Always the padawan, never the Jedi. Dwight dwight Thank you Michael, uh, but I will have to pass. DeAngelo deangelo Think of it as part of your training. Michael michael Not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower. Boy, okay... DeAngelo deangelo [smiling] Okay, well we'll work on it. Michael michael [whispers to Michael] Michael, I'm very, very bad. DeAngelo deangelo You are doing it. Michael michael [all in conference room] Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter. Michael michael Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter. Kevin kevin Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning. Michael michael That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a- DeAngelo deangelo [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys... Michael michael This did not happen. DeAngelo deangelo Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. [Ryan stands next to Michael up front] Ryan how are you today? Michael michael Why don't you ask my therapist, my mom certainly pays her enough. Ryan ryan [very excited] There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny. Michael michael Uhhh, you sir! [points to Jim] Are we having fun tonight? DeAngelo deangelo Having a great time. Jim jim Oh good! DeAngelo deangelo Thanks, yeah. Jim jim Where were you on September 11th? DeAngelo deangelo No! God! [Jim looks at him oddly] Michael michael This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously. DeAngelo deangelo Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting. Andy andy No, no, no! This is the performance of your life! Michael michael Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting. Jim jim Jim, please no loopholes. Michael michael Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind? Darryl darryl This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask? Michael michael [laying down, Michael is sitting on DeAngelo's stomach bouncing up and down in Michael's office] Me mo. Me mo. DeAngelo deangelo Good. Good. Good! Michael michael Meee Mo, Mee! DeAngelo deangelo Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood. Michael michael When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them. DeAngelo deangelo [getting off his stomach] Too personal. I don't wanna hear about it. [picking up a portable tape player] Let's try this. Put these on. [DeAngelo puts the headphones in] I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can't- [DeAngelo winces] That's right, you're not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, [gives him a card] and make it sound perfect. Michael michael THE DUNDIES ARE-OW-ABOUT COMING TOGETHER! AND RECOGNIZING, THE ADOMINABILITY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT! [Jim comes and closes the door] DeAngelo deangelo Say it with an accent! Michael michael [bad Australian accent attempt] THE DUNDIES! DeAngelo deangelo [also in a poor Australian accent] The Dundies! Michael michael THE DUNDIES! DeAngelo deangelo [Jim and Pam are walking outside] I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me, and not just regular fries. Jim jim Yeah... [they see Erin eating in her car, and ducking when they see her. Pam knocks on her car window] Hey, Erin, everything okay? Pam pam Get away from the car, he's gonna see you. Erin erin Who's gonna see us? Jim jim [desperately] Just get in! Get in! Just get in! Erin erin Get in the car? [Jim and Pam get in the back seat] Jim jim Please! Sorry. Get in. [Jim and Pam are confused and worried] Sorry sorry sorry. Erin erin What's wrong? Pam pam I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time. It's just nice to have some time away from Gabe. Erin erin Why don't you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend? Pam pam I, really don't like spending time with him. Erin erin Don't you think it's better to tell him the truth now? You know, rather than waste more of his time? Pam pam I think I'm gonna go. Jim jim What? Pam pam I think you got this. Kay? [Erin nods] Alright. Feel better! Jim jim Thank you Jim. Erin erin I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me. Jim jim I can't just dump him Pam, I'm not like you, I can't be mean. Erin erin Wait, when am I...? You just have to be clear and firm. You know, just tell him you don't love him. Just be honest with him. [Erin nods] Pam pam [standing by the Louie Volpies entrance greeting people and giving them menus] Dwight dwight [walks in] Hi! Kevin kevin Appalling. [Meredith walks in] Eye sore. [Jim and Pam come in] Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds! Dwight dwight DeAngelo, Jo's on the phone for you. Erin erin Hello? DeAngelo deangelo [Michael dressed as Jo Bennett, using a bad Southern accent] DeAngelo! We're in serious horse manure here! The Dundies are tonight! And we ain't got no host! Jo jo Oh no! DeAngelo deangelo Luckily I have someone for you! Jo jo Billy Crystal? DeAngelo deangelo Better. Jo jo Neil Patrick Harris? DeAngelo deangelo He's in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! [everyone in the audience is laughing] Jo jo Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, [Russel Brand impression] Get Him to the Dundies! DeAngelo deangelo [in the office near the accountants] Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela? DeAngelo deangelo [Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he's a state senator. Angela angela [laughing] Audience audience Mmhmm. DeAngelo deangelo Oh wait, he can't help because that title has no meaning! Angela angela [laughing] Oscar oscar Try Jim DeAngelo, he'll be able to help. Oscar oscar Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott? DeAngelo deangelo [Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jim's actual hair, and he is wearing fake earrings, and speaking in a punk-ish deep voice] I totally don't know where Michael is, dude, hey you wanna listen to some records? Jim jim [shaking head at the camera] Jim jim No one is listening to me! And I'm running out of time! DeAngelo deangelo [Micheal dressed as Phyllis, pretending to knit] Well, what are you talking about? [cracking noise] Ohh! Ohh! [falls onto the ground] I've fallen and I can't get up! Phyllis phyllis Maybe I just need to look into my heart. [in the bathroom in front of the mirror] DeAngelo, where is Michael Scott. [his reflection in the mirror turns around to reveal that it is Michael] DeAngelo deangelo I'm here. [DeAngelo gasps and turns around] In a good way! I've been here the whole time. Michael michael The analytical part of me wants to examine it, but I know it has no content. Oscar oscar Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for you co-host this evening, Michael Gary Scott. [Michael comes running up to stage as people applaud] Please remain standing for your other co-host, and new manager, DeAngelo Jeremitrius Vickers! [DeAngelo presents himself, and changes his mind and runs off] Was that part of the...? Dwight dwight [in the bathroom] DeAngelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there! Michael michael Go do it by yourself, get Ryan. DeAngelo deangelo No, Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It's sort of our perk! Michael michael This was not, part of the job description! DeAngelo deangelo Listen to me, you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for you, you're not even doing this for them! Michael michael Who am I doing this for? DeAngelo deangelo [slaps him] You're doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid's menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It's showtime. Get out there. Michael michael I can't. [Michael slaps him again] DeAngelo deangelo Say it. Michael michael Stop, hitting me. DeAngelo deangelo You can do it, just say it. Michael michael Hit me again. [Michael slaps him once more] DeAngelo deangelo Now hit me. [DeAngelo slaps him] One, two, three. Michael michael It's showtime. Together together Alright, here we go. Michael michael Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. [everyone laughs] Michael michael Fall asleep right after sex. Huh guys? DeAngelo deangelo Nope, go back to the script. Jim jim There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! [Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard] Michael michael Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh, Cece, if you're watching this at home it's way past your bedtime, by the way how'd this get televised? Jim jim Well done. Michael michael I don't know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I don't know, I don't know. Thank you! Jim jim Alright. [all applaud Jim] Michael michael You didn't think to mention me huh? Pam pam Didn't I? Jim jim Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. [Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her] I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer! Michael michael [jogs up and makes out with Michael, who is unwilling] Tell ya one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight! Whooo! Meredith meredith Excuse me, can I get a photo of the Best Mom and the Best Dad please? Dwight dwight I gotta go do this. Jim jim [annoyed] Why? Pam pam Big smiles folks! There they are. Dwight dwight Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, [Ryan stands up] Danny Cordray! [Ryan quickly sits] Danny couldn't be here tonight... Michael michael How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Uhm, I'm very relieved. How do you, how do you judge something like that? What is the criteria even? It's, it's so subjective. Ryan ryan Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. [Stanley looks angry] But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! [Stanley slowly walks over, angry] Come on up here you sick bastard. Michael michael I have diabetes too. You don't see me making a big deal about it. Phyllis phyllis They say he's going to be my right hand man, adlib masturbation joke. [realizing he wasn't supposed to read that directly off the cue card, speaks quietly] No, I hate this, I hate it so much. [loud again] Dwight Schrute! Please accept this promising Assistant Manager Dundie. [people clap as Dwight takes the microphone, he is obviously unenthused] Thank you, thank you so much. I would like to thank something that we, uh, take for granted in our daily lives. And that is the humble trashcan. [Creed nods] This is for you trashcan! [walks off and throws the Dundie into the trashcan] DeAngelo deangelo [the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin, who is coloring with crayons on the tablecloth] Who gave you those crayons? Manager manager I brought them from home! Do you have a red? Kevin kevin This is a cloth tablecloth! You can't color on it! Manager manager Oh really? [camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth. Kevin kevin You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? [manager looks up, angrily at Michael] Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! [Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage] Michael michael That is bull! [throws her Dundie] Meredith meredith Thank you, thank you! This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. [Gabe and Andy smile at her] People are right about the Dundies, they are magical. But, I don't feel it. And I think that's because I'm not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up. Erin erin What? Gabe gabe I'm not attracted to you. I just, I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, right Pam? [Pam looks very awkward] Thank you for hearing me. Erin erin [stands up and walks to stage, takes the microphone] Well, this is embarrassing, um, I'm obviously really angry at Erin. It's that quarter life crisis everyone's been talking about. [Jim is looking wide eyed, jaw dropped] Alright I'm gonna go. [Dwight plays cricket noises] Gabe gabe [escorts Erin off stage] There you go. Michael michael Damn that was cold. Darryl darryl It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat] Michael michael Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Audience audience Hold on, hold on one second. [puts on the headphones and turns the volume up all the way] I WANNA, I WANNA, I FEEL TRULY BLESSED! UHHH, TO BE WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU! BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, FUNNY STORY, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, VOMITTING, AND VOMITTING IN THE MEN'S ROOM! DeAngelo deangelo Okay, okay. [trying to stop him from offending other people in his restaurant] Manager manager THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR MOST OF THE EVENING... DeAngelo deangelo [stopping Manager] DeAngelo is expressing himself. [manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo. Michael michael This is truly special, for me! And uh, anyway. It's so much lighter! DeAngelo deangelo Okay, we're done! That's it. Michael michael Michael, are we?! DeAngelo deangelo We're done. We're done! Michael michael [Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad] So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well... Michael michael Michael, we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going! Pam pam What? Michael michael I know I'm the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on. DeAngelo deangelo No, no. You're being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time. Michael michael Let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. [others nod in agreement] Pam pam So what you're saying is you kinda like it? [Phyllis impression] I've fallen and I can't get up! [normal again] That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good. Michael michael I don't know that we need to dissect it all now, but- Jim jim That got a big laugh. Michael michael That did. Pretty huge laugh. Jim jim [to Stanley, who is cracking up again] You were laughing right? Michael michael I was. Stanley stanley [with Dwight and Michael outside Michael's car] You know what, I have to go to the bathroom. DeAngelo deangelo We're really close. Michael michael I can just run over to the gas station. DeAngelo deangelo We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room? Dwight dwight That's true, we wouldn't get seats together. Michael michael Okay, fine I'll hold it. DeAngelo deangelo [in the car] You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well. Michael michael I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to. Dwight dwight Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award. Michael michael Gladly! I'd accept that award, because a bitch, is a female dog! Dwight dwight [as Michael pulls over and stops the car] Please don't stop so suddenly, the seatbelt is pressing on my bladder. Why are you even wearing a seatbelt, you're sitting in the backseat, baby. DeAngelo deangelo What is your problem?! Michael michael I just don't see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring. Dwight dwight Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful. Michael michael And next time, why don't you pick a co-host, that doesn't have microphone-a-phobia! Dwight dwight [very uncomfortable] Look, what ever you're going to do, how long is it going to take? Ballpark. 'Cause I just, I gotta make a decision here. [gets out and slams the door] DeAngelo deangelo He is in an all-out sprint. Michael michael [in conference room] Here... [Andy walks in] Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! [Andy walks up] Michael michael A lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael. Andy andy Oh, okay. [nods to him] Michael michael I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything. Andy andy [starts playing the tune to Seasons of Love while Andy sits down] Darryl darryl Oh my God, something's happening. Michael michael [singing] Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math. Andy andy Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here. All all In costumes! Pam pam And impressions! Jim jim In meetings. Toby toby And cups of coffee. {Erin} and {Kelly} erin kelly For birthdays! Kevin kevin More meetings and- Stanley stanley E-Mail forms you made us read. Women women Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times! All all You hit me with your car! Meredith meredith You helped me get off drugs! Ryan ryan I watch you when you sleep. Creed creed I forgive you for kissing me! Oscar oscar Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. All all Call, text or e-mail, or call. {Kelly} and {Erin} kelly erin [falsetto] Measure your life in love! DeAngelo deangelo Remember to call, remember to, call. Remember to call. All all [choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep]. Michael michael [recall to Dundies at Louie Volpies] Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh that's so mean! DeAngelo deangelo No it's not. Michael michael [Toby is shaking his head, no] It's his last Dundies. Oscar oscar You gotta play along man. Jim jim Come on Toby. Oscar oscar Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! [Toby comes up and take the mic] Michael michael I really disagree with this. I think it's kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That man's being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty any more. [Dwight plays a clip from the song Oh Yeah: Toby toby