I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals. Dwight dwight You're eating eight year old tomatoes? Kevin kevin They're still good for another week. Dwight dwight You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like. [Jim smiles] Meredith meredith I've got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes. [all laugh] Kevin kevin Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Dwight dwight I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses. Todd Packer todd-packer Still not seeing the problem here. Michael michael All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, game-over! Todd Packer todd-packer It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly. Michael michael [walks into conference room with Michael and Todd] Hi! Holly holly Hi. [Holly and Michael kiss] Michael michael You must be Todd. Holly holly [shaking Holly's hand] Whoa! I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston! Todd Packer todd-packer [laughs oddly] Very funny. Okay let's get started. Holly holly After you! Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, Michael! This'll be just us. Michael michael Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots. Michael michael All right. Holly holly And it also helps if you've had five shots. Michael michael I already have. Holly holly Whoa! Michael michael [to Michael] Why is Packer back? Jim jim Is Packer here? Michael michael Why's he talking to Holly? Dwight dwight [peering into conference room] Don't know, don't care. Michael michael [to Todd] Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves. Holly holly [excitedly] Oh! Todd Packer todd-packer [sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room] Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms. Michael michael Yes! Kevin kevin What!? Jim jim It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do! Todd Packer todd-packer Nice! We got burned! Kevin kevin You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out. Michael michael [seething] Holly, you approved this? Dwight dwight Yes I did, I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff. Holly holly You did approve it? Jim jim Yeah. Holly holly What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don't know what the word approved means. Kevin kevin I have very little patience for stupidity. Kevin kevin [walking in with Gabe behind her] Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower. Erin erin I'm such a klutz! Gabe gabe Yeah, it took the fire department forever to get there. [realizing there's a new computer at her desk. Gets very excited] Oh my God, where did this come from?! Who did this?! Erin erin I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! [laughs sheepishly] Right? Pam pam Thank you Pam. Erin erin Awwh, you're welcome. [they hug] My pleasure. Pam pam [Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing, Jim imitates her] Can I do something for ya? Jim jim I just helped someone out. It feels good. Pam pam Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so... Jim jim So you know the feeling. Pam pam Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute. Michael michael I didn't order anything. Dwight dwight And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die. Michael michael Well there's a lot of seats in the annex. Dwight dwight So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. [Jim looks appalled] Michael michael Thanks man, it'd mean a lot. Todd Packer todd-packer I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael. Dwight dwight well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name's carved under the desk. Todd Packer todd-packer No it is not. Dwight dwight Is too! Todd Packer todd-packer [Grunting as he crawls under Dwight's desk. Dwight follows] Let's look at this. Michael michael Check it out! Todd Packer todd-packer I don't wanna move desks! Dwight dwight Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk. Michael michael Do I have any say in this?! Jim jim No! Michael michael [grunting while humping Michael and Dwight] Don't even watch, Halpert! Todd Packer todd-packer [in the annex, moving into his new desk. Holds up a red tray with rocks on it] Hey, who's dirt box is this? Dwight dwight Oh, that's our Zen garden. Holly holly What do you grow in here, bullcrap? [puts the tray into the garbage] Dwight dwight [walking into the annex with Jim] Hey, um... Pam pam Hey, what's up guys? Holly holly Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair! Meredith meredith Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer? Jim jim Uhm. Holly holly He's seriously awful! Pam pam Michael's recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me! Holly holly That's how he gets you to take off his panties. Meredith meredith [Pam starts nodding in agreement] Why are you nodding? Jim jim United front... Pam pam Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him. Holly holly Right this isn't the U.S. Government. Ryan ryan What are you referencing? Kelly kelly [seems unsure] Everything... Everything. Ryan ryan Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done? Holly holly Well, I mean he humped Michael. Jim jim Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too. [all groan in disgust] Holly holly [looking at his computer, gasps] Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! [no one moves] Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. [watching a sailing video on his computer] They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. [computer is frozen, taps the top of it] This computer's a hunk of jjunk. Andy andy Hey sailor! Come watch it over here! [pats her new computer] Erin erin Where did you get this?! Andy andy Pam gave it to me! Erin erin This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! [to Pam, in a fake British accent] Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them? Andy andy You have a computer Andy. Pam pam Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So... Andy andy Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one. Pam pam Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but... Andy andy Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy. Pam pam So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now? Stanley stanley I'm not asking for one, I need it. Andy andy If you're just handing them out, I want one too. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis, no body is handing anything out. Andy andy See, this is what I'm talking about. Pam pam What are you gonna play mange on faster? Andy andy Sorry Andy. Pam pam Hey what's going on you guys? [walking into the kitchen with Holly, Dwight, and Kevin, with whom he fist bumps] Yeahh! Three muska-queers! Todd Packer todd-packer [giggling] Mean but good! Kevin kevin So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter. Holly holly I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom. [Holly is un-amused] Todd Packer todd-packer Well, some girls go through a phase. Holly holly Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book! Kevin kevin Since when did you learn how to read? Todd Packer todd-packer I do know how to read though! Kevin kevin Yeah. You know how to read... a menu! Todd Packer todd-packer [Todd leaves. Kevin laughs uncertainly] He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight. Kevin kevin Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer. Dwight dwight [walking through the office, notices Andy with Erin's computer set up at his desk] What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer! Pam pam It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched. Andy andy What? Erin is that true? Pam pam [nods] I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one. Erin erin Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away. Pam pam Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and- Andy andy I'm not freaking out, Andy. Pam pam -take a few breaths, and then I ask myself: Andy andy [to Jim] So you two are married to each other now, right? Todd Packer todd-packer Yeah. Jim jim That's sweet. How's the sex? Todd Packer todd-packer [continues working] Jim jim [walks towards Todd] Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate. Dwight dwight Why? Todd Packer todd-packer 'Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife. Dwight dwight That's a lot of reasons! [suspicious] Jim jim Drink it! Dwight dwight I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox. [winks] Todd Packer todd-packer [interrupts Dwight trying to force feed Todd] Can I talk to you a second? Jim jim So, this hot chocolate thing. Jim jim None of your business. Dwight dwight Well, you know you can't actually poison him. Jim jim It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this. Dwight dwight I really think we should join forces on this one. Jim jim Really. Dwight dwight What do we think, what would drive him crazy. Jim jim I know. Dwight dwight Here we go. Jim jim Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate. Dwight dwight You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them. Jim jim [mocking] Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff? Dwight dwight Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number. Jim jim Who is Justice Beaver? Dwight dwight He... It's a crime fighting beaver. Jim jim Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that? Dwight dwight Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred. Jim jim Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over. Dwight dwight Pam. Can I talk to you in private? Andy andy I don't know if there's really a private place in this office. Pam pam Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago. Andy andy [looking confused] You did that? Pam pam Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late. Andy andy Okay. [walks to conference room with Andy and stares at the sign up sheet with wonder] When did people sign- Pam pam Mind if I close the door? [after shutting door in the conference room] What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool. Andy andy Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me? Pam pam You humiliated me in front of every body! Andy andy Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace that one unless that computer breaks. Pam pam I mean, it's pretty broken already. Andy andy Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one. Pam pam [looks at her knowingly] Pretty sneaky sis. [knocking on conference room door] Andy andy [walking in] Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve. [Pam and Andy exit as Ryan and others holding saxophones walk in, Pam looks at the sign up sheet in awe] Ryan ryan [to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a packet of paper] Dwight dwight Yeah I couldn't cut it down. Jim jim They're all good. So good! Number three: Dwight dwight [Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don't get sick Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your programs! Andy andy [at Hank's with Michael, talking to Hank] And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that. [Hank smiles] Todd Packer todd-packer And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. [Hank looks irritated again] Michael michael Why? Todd Packer todd-packer I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin. Michael michael Holly said that? Todd Packer todd-packer Yeah. Michael michael She was laughing hysterically that whole time! Holly holly I guess you said something weird about your daughter? Michael michael She asked me, Michael! It would've been rude not to answer. Todd Packer todd-packer You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls. Michael michael Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers. Todd Packer todd-packer No it isn't. Michael michael You're right. I gotta watch my behavior. Todd Packer todd-packer Yeah, a little bit. Michael michael Don't give up on me. Todd Packer todd-packer I won't. Michael michael [Michael and Todd are walking into the office] Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here. Michael michael I got a lot of numbers here to put together. Kevin kevin Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed. Michael michael That's silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it. Kevin kevin Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines. Michael michael I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier. Todd Packer todd-packer Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show. Kevin kevin Kevin, do you accept the apology? Michael michael Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology. Kelly kelly Okay, go back to the annex. Michael michael This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin. Kelly kelly [muttering] Sometimes you over react. Ryan ryan Michael how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one. Oscar oscar Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius. Todd Packer todd-packer That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. [Andy looks confused and shrugs] Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves- Michael michael [cutting in] No! Don't! Angela angela I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us! Michael michael [in a car with Andy, by the dumpster you can see a new computer box] So listen, we have to really scuff this up. Pam pam No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I'm gonna make myself cry. Andy andy Andy, this is the deal we made. Pam pam [watching Pam scrap his computer] That's probably good. That's enough. Andy andy We should break this hinge maybe. Pam pam Let's not go crazy. Andy andy Well thanks, will do. Todd Packer todd-packer [using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. [Michael walks in on Jim and Dwight] Jim jim That sounds weird. Todd Packer todd-packer It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you! Jim jim [also In southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World. Dwight dwight [trying to stop him] Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you! Jim jim Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic! Dwight dwight Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here's the best part. I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I'm a huge boob nerd. Todd Packer todd-packer Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back! Dwight dwight What are you doing? Michael michael [trying to hide from Michael what they're doing, he picks up the phone and talks directly into it] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up] Jim jim I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why? Michael michael He's a jerk. Jim jim He took my desk. Dwight dwight Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida? Michael michael It wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas. Dwight dwight You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did. Michael michael No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing. Dwight dwight He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him. Michael michael Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan we're all happy about? [Michael leaves] Jim jim [plugging in new computer, acting to make people think he got a bad computer] Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer? Andy andy Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do! Pam pam Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse? Andy andy Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. [Darryl gives the camera an odd look] Pam pam All right, well thank you for my garbage computer. [Andy turns it on and looks amazed, clearly happy with it] Andy andy [walking into Michael's office] You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the "ass", in Tallahassee! Todd Packer todd-packer Yes, about that. Michael michael Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight! Todd Packer todd-packer Well... I don't know if that's a good idea. Michael michael Do you have a ball and chain? Todd Packer todd-packer No, nothing like that at all. Michael michael Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend, man. She's uptight. Todd Packer todd-packer Sorry? Michael michael I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local [spanks the air] talent. Todd Packer todd-packer [thinks a moment] Sounds great. Michael michael It's gonna be so good. Todd Packer todd-packer That is. [Jim sees them and looks happy] It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there. Michael michael I'm sorry about your friend. Holly holly Nah, he's an ass. Michael michael [Brooklyn accent] You ahh. Holly holly [imitating] You ahh. Michael michael What ah you wicked smaht? Holly holly No you ahh. Michael michael Who ahh? Holly holly [kisses her and speaks normally again] You ahh. Michael michael So this new computer you found in the warehouse. Darryl darryl Yep. Lucked out. Pam pam Yeah, you really did. 'Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse. Darryl darryl Yep, super lucky. Pam pam Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days. Darryl darryl [hesitating at the bribe] Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there. Pam pam Really? 'Cause I think maybe I saw five. Darryl darryl Three. [Daryl nods] Pam pam I'm full on corrupt! Pam pam