Look at that. Michael michael Huh? Oscar oscar Nice! Michael michael I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning. Oscar oscar Okay. Pam pam She is a beaut! Michael michael Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself. Dwight dwight Yes, it is. Oscar oscar Oh, look at that. [pushing bike] Smooth roll. Michael michael Yeah. Oscar oscar You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike! Kevin kevin Yes. Oscar oscar His ass was on that seat? All right! Meredith meredith Nice. Kevin kevin No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses. Oscar oscar I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now. Kelly kelly [crashing sound] Michael! Pam pam Oh, god! Michael michael Oh... Oscar oscar Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. Michael michael Are you sure you once knew how to do this? Jim jim I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. [Pam and Jim begin wheeling him] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Michael michael [chanting] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! All all Yeah! Dwight dwight Come on, Michael! Yeah! Pam pam Just steer more now. Jim jim [crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car] Oh, my god! Michael michael Not the car! Pam pam No! No! Jim jim Ow! [grunts, stumbles to his feet] You never forget. Whoo! Michael michael How do I look? Dwight dwight Amazing. How do I look? Jim jim Normal. Ugly. Dwight dwight Well, I do the best with what I've got. Let's go. Jim jim Alright. Wait, wait, wait, wait for me! It's weird if I come in slightly after. Dwight dwight We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash. Dwight dwight He's not the Steve Nash. He's big though. He's kind of like...Scranton's Steve Nash. Jim jim Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand? It's condescending. Dwight dwight I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining. Jim jim And who is this "the" Steve Nash? Dwight dwight Phoenix Sun's point guard? Jim jim No. Dwight dwight No? Nothin'? Jim jim No, Mr. Jock Hipster. Dwight dwight Well, I'm neither of those things, so... Jim jim [reading Cornell magazine] Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God! Andy andy What? Is Dan okay? Phyllis phyllis No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook. Andy andy Yes. Phyllis phyllis "Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.'" Andy andy Oh, that's great news for your friend. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, yeah, it's great... Andy andy You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder. Phyllis phyllis I was the artsy, musical one. In Here Comes Treble I had four solos, Broccoli rob had three. Right? Uhh. Andy andy Go tell her we're here. You're good with receptionists. Dwight dwight Oh, ha ha ha. Dwight...[motions to lobby] Jim jim Crap. Dwight dwight Danny Cordray is the worst. Dwight dwight Well, by worst, you mean the best. Jim jim The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop, steals more clients from Dunder-Mifflin than anyone. Dwight dwight So, the situation is the worst. Jim jim Also, he slept with Pam. Dwight dwight No, he didn't. [Dwight mouthing "yes, he did"] Jim jim Tell 'em. Jim jim Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again. Pam pam What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled. Jim jim That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle. Pam pam Yeah, I thought you started it. Jim jim No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. [Jim nodding repeatedly] You know I have a kid with you, right? Pam pam Ahhh. Jim jim I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay? Dwight dwight Okay, great- Jim jim Watch this. Dwight dwight -I'm just gonna watch. Jim jim [speaking loudly] So anyway, she says, "that is the biggest penis I have ever seen." And I said, "I know. That's why I brought you to the Penis Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars." Well, hello Danny! Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey. Danny danny [shaking hands] How are ya? Jim jim Good to see you too. Danny danny What are you doing? Dwight dwight Oh, I'm just here for the coffee. Danny danny Like hell you are. Dwight dwight Dwight! Jim jim He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up! Dwight dwight Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello? Michael michael Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy? Jim jim Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up? Michael michael What? Angela angela You are busy! We're in a meeting! Oscar oscar It's Jim, Okay? Yes. Michael michael Listen, you gotta get over here, 'cause we're pitching Steve Nash and Danny Cordray is here. Jim jim You need the big guns, yes? Michael michael Yes. Jim jim What'd he say? What did he say? Dwight dwight The big gun thing. [Dwight grabs at phone] Stop! Jim jim I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. [hangs up] Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in. Michael michael You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager. Pam pam [laughing] No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me? Michael michael You don't? Pam pam No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right. Michael michael [knocking] Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute? Andy andy I'm very busy with time-sensitive work. Darryl darryl Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com. Andy andy If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What? Darryl darryl I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards. Andy andy Nah. I play for pleasure. Darryl darryl This is for pleasure. Andy andy I wouldn't enjoy that. Darryl darryl I'm willing to pay you. Andy andy Oh, yeah? Darryl darryl Yeah. Andy andy How much? Darryl darryl Sixty bucks a session. Andy andy That's crazy money. I'll take forty. Darryl darryl Yes! Andy andy There he is. Dwight dwight Oh, no, that's a male model. Michael michael No, that's him. Jim jim That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. Michael michael Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper. Danny danny Nice to meet you. Michael michael Three of you guys for one sale. Danny danny Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy? Michael michael Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right. Danny danny All right. Michael michael It's good to see you guys. Nice to meet you. Danny danny Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model. Michael michael He's ready for you. Receptionist receptionist Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two- Michael michael Nope, not doing that. Jim jim I've been in showtime mode since breakfast. Dwight dwight Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then. Michael michael Showtime! Jim jim It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go. Michael michael When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we- Michael michael Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company. Steve steve You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends. Michael michael That's very generous, but- Steve steve And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now. Michael michael He's not kidding. Dwight dwight Shake it, shake it! Michael michael Michael, I'm going with Danny. Steve steve Oh. Dwight dwight Thanks for coming in. Steve steve Okay. Thank you. Michael michael Thank you. Steve steve Thanks, Steve. Michael michael Jim talked too much. Dwight dwight No, I didn't. Jim jim Yes, you did. Dwight dwight Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done, we just got bested. [pounds the elevator button] Why is there a door close button if it doesn't even close the door? Michael michael How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned. Michael michael You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him? Michael michael We sell better? Stanley stanley Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave? Michael michael I would like to stay. This pertains to me. Stanley stanley Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay? Michael michael Why do you always assume I have diabetes? Stanley stanley I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis? Michael michael I could try to seduce him. Phyllis phyllis Oh, my god! Michael michael I know how we can learn his tricks. Dwight dwight What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy. Dwight dwight Is that your office? Jim jim Yes, Jim. And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office. We lure Danny to it and watch him sell. Dwight dwight Uh... Phyllis phyllis I'm outta here. Stanley stanley This is weird. Phyllis phyllis You know what this is? This is a stinger. Michael michael A what? Jim jim Like the movie. Michael michael I think you mean The Sting. Jim jim Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers. Michael michael Nope. Different movie. Jim jim The Sting. The Sting. Dwight dwight Your two o'clock. [Danny enters] Erin erin Thanks, hun. Meredith meredith Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and...that's it. That's really all we were looking for. Jim jim Danny Cordray. It's great to meet you. Danny danny Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you. Meredith meredith Meredith Van Helsing? Jim jim Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer. Dwight dwight Okay. But what is he more famous for? Jim jim Shhh! Hey! That's my mug. Michael michael You know this isn't real TV, right? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael [singing] Please Mr. President, if you wanna give hope a whirl, bring our troops home safe and sound, says this little girl. {Darryl} and {Andy} darryl andy [in falsetto] Please Mr. President- Andy andy One second, one second, one second. [stops playing] So, this song is from the point of view of a little girl? Darryl darryl Yeah. Andy andy But you're singing it. Darryl darryl Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto. Andy andy No, that's not a good idea. I don't see that as a very good song. Darryl darryl Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul. Andy andy Oh, I never sing with soul. Darryl darryl That's a lie. Andy andy I could sing it. Kevin kevin I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs. Andy andy But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan. Kevin kevin Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four- Andy andy I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind. It's a bit warm in here. Danny danny Hel-lo! Meredith meredith Oh, no, no. No. Don't- Michael michael People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire. Dwight dwight Testify. Michael michael Okay, he's not that good-looking. I don't understand why everybody's obsessed with this- Jim jim Yeah, he is that good-looking. Michael michael He's very, very handsome. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael That's a great set of shoulder's you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine? [phone rings] Sorry. Yeah? Meredith meredith Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him. Michael michael I'm sorry. [hangs up] You're here to sell me some paper. Meredith meredith Well, actually, uh... no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit. Danny danny What do you mean? Meredith meredith Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him. Michael michael [everyone finishes listening to song] Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar? Andy andy It's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid. Oscar oscar But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something? Andy andy Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl. Pam pam I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics. Andy andy I-I don't think they usually...skate to such...bad songs. Ryan ryan Rude. And not helpful. Andy andy Well, I really, really, really liked it. Creed creed Well, that...really bums me out. Andy andy You're welcome. Creed creed We should think of this as a first date. And I think it's going very well, how 'bout you? Danny danny Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me. Meredith meredith Ha ha, okay, there you go! [phone rings, Meredith answers] Danny danny Stay- Michael michael Shut up and let me do this! [hangs up] You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart? Meredith meredith I've never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not, huh? Danny danny Oh... Dwight dwight Well, we'll get this...[Meredith unbuttons] Danny danny Oh! Michael michael Oh, man! Dwight dwight So, what's your drink? You a vodka man? Me too. Meredith meredith We gotta get someone else in there right now. Jim jim You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and- Jim jim That sounds fake. Oscar oscar What do you mean? Jim jim I told you! You're an exec at Stark Industries, a corporation you inherited from your father- Dwight dwight Will you stop? Stop it, stop it. Here's the story-they need Meredith somewhere else asap, okay? Jim jim Okay. Oscar oscar So you're taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can. Jim jim All right. I can do that. Then what? Oscar oscar Then make him pitch to you. Dwight dwight Yes. Jim jim We gotta see what he's got. Dwight dwight Exactly. You can do this. Jim jim Okay, and remember-you're not gay. Dwight dwight Stop it! It's gonna be great. Jim jim Okay. Oscar oscar And listen if anything else happens, just...roll with it. Jim jim Meredith, I- Oscar oscar Oh, Manuel! This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English. Meredith meredith Hola. Que tal? Danny danny Como estas, senor? Oscar oscar Uh, Manuel, cleano el window. Meredith meredith Who else we got? Jim jim Okay. You're a young hotshot from Stark Industries. You've just bought this company. Meredith is fired. It's a whole new regime. He's gotta pitch to you now. Dwight dwight Okay. Stark Industries isn't real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me in- Ryan ryan Great. Sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you. Jim jim Don't let us down. Michael michael [points to Jim] Will do. [points to Michael] Won't do. Ryan ryan Yeah, sure. Danny danny You smell like a Scorpio. [Ryan enters] This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesn't speak English either. Esteban, el flooro. Meredith meredith You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space, and I hate when I see others do that, so- Danny danny Danny, I feel a real connection to you, and I gotta get real, I'm- Meredith meredith No, no, no.... Michael michael No, no, no, no... Jim jim I'm goin 'in! Michael michael Michael! No, Michael, stop it! No! Dwight dwight Stop, stop! Oh, my god! [enters office] Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop. Michael michael Michael Scott. Danny danny I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer- Michael michael Please to meet you- Meredith meredith Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever. Michael michael Hmm. Danny danny I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you. Michael michael But from where? Danny danny A surveillance room next to this one. Michael michael Okay, so you...set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique? Danny danny Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery. Michael michael Or...crazy. Danny danny Well- Michael michael I'm gonna go. Danny danny Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well. Michael michael No! Dwight dwight No, no, no, no. Jim jim Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! [knocking on wall] Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here. Danny danny No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks. Michael michael What do you mean, my tricks? There's no tricks, man. I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that! [opens door to leave] Danny danny You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me. Michael michael Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy. Danny danny So, you will? Michael michael [opening door again to leave] No! Danny danny Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same? Michael michael Get out of my way. Danny danny Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny? Michael michael I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now. Danny danny I know, I know. Michael michael I'm very upset! Danny danny Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same? Michael michael More freedom. Danny danny I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff? Michael michael Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny! Michael michael [bleep] me! Kelly kelly O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is? Michael michael Josh Duhamel. Kelly kelly Yeah, I can see that. Angela angela No. No. No. Somebody in this office. Michael michael He's like a better-looking Andy. Kevin kevin Thanks, Kevin. Andy andy No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me. Michael michael It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it. Oscar oscar Michael? Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Can I talk to you about something? Dwight dwight No, you may not. Michael michael It's about this very announcement you just made. Dwight dwight I said no. Michael michael Michael- Dwight dwight We're not- Michael michael Michael, I think you really want to talk to him. Jim jim Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. [pointing to Danny] Don't leave. Don't let him. Michael michael Gotcha. [they go into Michael's office] Erin erin You hired him? Jim jim Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same? Michael michael Stay the same. All all Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better. Michael michael It's not gonna get better; he's gonna steal all of our clients. Phyllis phyllis No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us. Michael michael Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats. Dwight dwight He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave. Michael michael Hmpf! Stanley stanley Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots. Dwight dwight Good-bye! Michael michael Song's about truth. Darryl darryl Yeah. Kevin kevin What's something you really care about? Darryl darryl Reverse snobbery. Andy andy More universal. Darryl darryl Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by. Andy andy [plays soft chords and sings] Couldn't get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away. Darryl darryl Oh, nice! Kevin kevin Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing! Andy andy Go ahead. Darryl darryl [singing] Which me am I gonna be today? Andy andy Which me am I gonna be today? Darryl darryl I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me? Andy andy Or the me that stinks. Kevin kevin Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour? Andy andy Oh, don't worry about it. Darryl darryl Wait. Seriously? Andy andy Yeah. Darryl darryl So we're just, like, jamming as friends? Andy andy One, two, three, hit it. Darryl darryl Closet full of mes- Andy andy Oh, you know...funny. Your wife and I went on a few dates. Danny danny Did ya? Jim jim Yeah. Way ,way, way back. Danny danny I'm just kidding. She told me about it. Jim jim Oh. She was not into me. Danny danny Oh. Jim jim Obviously. I don't even think she called me back. Danny danny You snubbed her. Dwight dwight Dwight, please. Jim jim Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray, okay? We all know that you probably thought that Pam was too "meh" or thin without being toned. But I wanna tell you something-she is one of the plain hearty women of Scranton that make this city great. And so what if she doesn't wear makeup? [Pam mouthing "I wear makeup"] We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you? Don't you! Dwight dwight Okay...that's different. Danny danny Oh, that's different, is it? Okay...thief. You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys? Oh, there in my pocket. False alarm. Okay. [awkward pause] So...you're gonna be workin' here? Dwight dwight Uh...I mean-yeah. Danny danny Welcome aboard. Dwight dwight Thank you. Danny danny Hey, crazy, um...so...that's it? You're just-you're fine? Jim jim It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home. [shakes Danny's hand] Dwight dwight Oh. Danny danny Pleasure. Dwight dwight Thanks. Danny danny This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer. Michael michael [singing and playing drums] Sun's in her eyes, tongue full of flies. Would you like to share my paaaaaaad? Kevin kevin Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love and I gave her the croak that meant I love you. All all I'll be your croak monsieur. Darryl darryl [falsetto] I'll be your croak madame. Andy andy Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs, but I'm here to tell you that I am a frog! Come and sit on my log, you little pollywog. Kevin kevin I find you absolutely ribbiting! Darryl darryl Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. All all Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Andy andy Croak! Kevin kevin Ribbit! Andy andy Scoopity-splash! Darryl darryl Nice. Kevin kevin