[driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work] Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! [man walks away] Que? QUE? Dwight dwight [speaking Spanish] Mexican Man mexican-man We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back. Mexican Man's Son mexican-mans-son [speaking Spanish] Mexican Man mexican-man We've lost friends. Mexican Man's Son mexican-mans-son [speaking Spanish] Mexican Man mexican-man We don't know what he does with them. Mexican Man's Son mexican-mans-son [speaking Spanish] Mexican Man mexican-man I don't want to talk about it anymore. Mexican Man's Son mexican-mans-son I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada. Dwight dwight Hola amigo. Nate nate Hola, tu es une buena worker? Dwight dwight Si, yo muy bueno worker. Nate nate Y el accento, donde are you from? Dwight dwight Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia. Nate nate You speak English? Dwight dwight Yes, I'm really good at English. Nate nate Ok, good. Me too, get in the car. Dwight dwight [quietly] Okay. Nate nate [nods to camera] Dwight dwight [seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot] Who's this guy by our cars? Angela angela That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about. Dwight dwight Yeah, I got stung up my dress. Phyllis phyllis Poor hornet. Dwight dwight [looking outside through the window] I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets... Dwight dwight But if he doesn't? Ryan ryan He'll die. Dwight dwight What? Kelly kelly Uhh, beg your pardon? Andy andy When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted? Dwight dwight [picks up blowtorch] Nate nate Is that a blow torch?! Kelly kelly No. No no no! [nos coming from all employees] Pam pam Interesting choice... Dwight dwight [Nate starts walking away from hornet's nest, puts down the blowtorch] Yes! Pam pam Very very smart. Andy andy Yeah, go away. [Kelly nodding] Pam pam [picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet's nest] Nate nate No! No no! Employees except Dwight employees-except-dwight A bat! Impressive... Dwight dwight Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow! [yelling all around the office] Andy andy [walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on] Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages? Michael michael [giggles] Terrific! Erin erin There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well. Michael michael [seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip] God! Wow! Phyllis phyllis [shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive. Michael michael That's no pimple Michael. Phyllis phyllis You mean cancer? Michael michael What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer. Pam pam It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town. Pam pam Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore. Meredith meredith It is? Michael michael Yup, just a cold sore. Meredith meredith Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it. Michael michael I know how you got it. [smug expression on his face] Kevin kevin How? Michael michael Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes. Kevin kevin What? Michael michael Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is. Pam pam I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is. Meredith meredith I never seen herpes on you. Kevin kevin Because it's on my genitals, genius. Meredith meredith You have a penis? Kevin kevin Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs? Andy andy Yeah! My last physical when I was forty. Michael michael That was like, ten years ago. Jim jim No! It was like four years ago! Michael michael Michael, you're at least forty six! Kevin kevin Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. [later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore] Michael michael Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is? Kelly kelly This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse. Angela angela You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance. Andy andy I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs. Kelly kelly I don't even wanna know these things! Oscar oscar [walking in] Hey guys! [Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room] Meredith meredith How did this happen, how did I get this? Michael michael Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it. Dwight dwight You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port. Michael michael What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por... Dwight dwight Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her. Michael michael You may have... Dwight dwight Oh my God! What if I did? Michael michael You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes. Dwight dwight Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her. Michael michael You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do. Dwight dwight There's no way I'm gonna do that. Michael michael Then I will. Dwight dwight [makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up] Michael michael No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge. Dwight dwight [on phone] Hello? Donna donna Hi Donna. It's Michael. Michael michael Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been? Donna donna I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me. Michael michael Oh no. Donna donna I can't even say it. H-I... Michael michael Oh my God. Donna donna ...R-P-E-E-S Michael michael Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes? Donna donna No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right? Michael michael Ummm, no. Donna donna Does your stupid husband have it? Michael michael No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested? Donna donna Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye! Michael michael So long Donna! [Michael hangs up] Dwight dwight Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please? Andy andy Not again... Stanley stanley What do you mean again? Andy andy You're always asking for our attention. Stanley stanley Maybe like a year ago... Andy andy Seems recent. Stanley stanley No, that's... Andy andy Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions. Oscar oscar Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices. Andy andy Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention. Phyllis phyllis [agreement around the office] That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores. Stanley stanley It's the world's only international sport! [sits down] Andy andy [on phone] This is Holly. Holly holly No this is Holly. Michael michael No this is Holly. Holly holly No this is Holly. Michael michael No, this is Michael Scott. Holly holly Busted. So what can I do for you Holly. Michael michael I am calling because, there's a terrible crash! Holly holly Oh really? Was anyone killed? Michael michael A lot of people. Holly holly Any nuns? Michael michael Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa. Holly holly [Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs] Michael michael [singing] Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. [stops singing] Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break. Andy andy [still on phone with Holly] Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly We would have twins. [Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's "herpes"] Michael michael I don't think we'd have kids. Holly holly Mmhmm! Michael michael It was just for a few weeks! Holly holly Mhhmm! We would be married. Michael michael [sternly] Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know. Holly holly Do what? Michael michael You romanticize things. Holly holly I don't romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do'] No... Michael michael Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up. Holly holly He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation. Michael michael You made ourselves to be more than we were. Holly holly We were more than we were. Michael michael I don't know what you're getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory. Holly holly Ok, alright I gotta go. Michael michael Michael... [Michael hangs up] Holly holly [to the camera] He forgot to mention the herpes. Dwight dwight It didn't come up organically. Michael michael [to a client] ...to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. [Seeing Michael and Dwight] Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it'll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. [to client again] The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to... Jan jan How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you. Jan jan It's nice to see you doing so well. Michael michael Yeah I'm really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. [laughs] We're loving it, yeah. I'm kind of a supermom. Jan jan Bringing home the bacon. Michael michael Yeah. [singing] Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget... [laughs] I love that commercial. Jan jan I don't understand the reference. Dwight dwight Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call. Jan jan We had to come over right away, it's urgent. Michael has something to tell you. [Michael shushes him] Dwight dwight Are you gonna keep me in suspense? [Michael sighs] Jan jan [after long wait, to Dwight] Would you excuse us... Michael michael Ok I'm gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it. Dwight dwight He hasn't changed. Michael michael No, so what couldn't wait? Jan jan Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was? Michael michael Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem. Jan jan What? Michael michael You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I'm in. Jan jan So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia. [grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man] Andy andy Andy... Erin erin What, is it because he's black? Andy andy Nope, it's because it's genitalia. Jim jim Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. [Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out] Andy andy Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see? Jim jim It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's. Andy andy No! In the beginning we were not good. Jan jan Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin! Michael michael Well if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong! Jan jan Because we work together. Michael michael No, ok. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen! Jan jan Am I the princess? Michael michael No I'm the princess, and the queen. Jan jan [sighs] Ok, so I'm the guy at the station. Michael michael Mommy! Astrid astrid Assy! Awwhhh how was school? Jan jan It was cool. Astrid astrid [singing] What did you learn? Jan jan What did I learn? Astrid astrid You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers. Jan jan I have herpes. Michael michael I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong... Michael michael Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences? Andy andy It feels unbelievable! Kevin kevin [writing on board] Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels... Andy andy ...unbelievable. Kevin kevin The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing. Phyllis phyllis Express love, magical. Andy andy It feels amazing! Kevin kevin Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable? Andy andy Yes. Kevin kevin Then I will write it down. Andy andy The feeling of pure risk. Creed creed I actually had that down in the cons column, but... Andy andy It's thrilling. Creed creed Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk. Andy andy Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex? Erin erin Yes! Thank you! Such as? Andy andy Unplanned pregnancy. Erin erin Yes, unplanned pregnancy. Andy andy Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat? Kelly kelly Just admit that your baby was a mistake. Kevin kevin Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise. Pam pam Good! Jim jim I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros. Darryl darryl Thank you! {Jim} and {Pam} jim pam Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column. Andy andy Next stop is Helene. You're gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I'll remind you. Dwight dwight You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She... Michael michael Jan knows paper. Dwight dwight No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there. Michael michael Wait, what Holly said? Dwight dwight Yes, I don't... Michael michael Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes. Dwight dwight I know, I know. Michael michael Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay. Dwight dwight Got it. Michael michael TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW! Dwight dwight I'M TRYING! GOD! Michael michael [walks into park with Dwight] Hi stranger! Long time! Michael michael Who are you? Old Woman old-woman I'm Michael. We dated for a while. Michael michael I don't think so... Old Woman old-woman Michael? Helene helene Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene? Michael michael Come on old lady. Let's go. Dwight dwight What is happening? [Dwight shushes her] Old Woman old-woman Come on. Dwight dwight Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is? Andy andy Condoms. Darryl darryl Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence. Andy andy Ohh. Ok. I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski! [office laughs] Darryl darryl I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody? Andy andy Andy that's way too personal of a question. Pam pam Well someone could answer if they want to. [looks at Erin hopefully] Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. [Stanley laughs] Andy andy What? Andy andy Why would you choose a pencil Andy? Oscar oscar Well I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway. Andy andy Come on, give it a rest pencil dick. Meredith meredith I'm doing this for you Meredith! Andy andy I didn't want you it! Meredith meredith Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?! [throws pizza box at painting and leaves] Andy andy It'll go away in time just don't touch it. Helene helene Did I make more of what we had then what was really there? Michael michael What did you think we were? Helene helene Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you... Michael michael I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly. Helene helene Jerk. [walks off] Michael michael Michael! [attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.] Dwight dwight So this is the chef's kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers. Carrol carrol Real entertainers, like Billy Joel. Michael michael Michael. Carrol carrol Carroll, how are you? Michael michael I'm great! How are you? Carrol carrol I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her. Michael michael You didn't call my office and ask where I was? Carrol carrol No. Michael michael Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover. Carrol carrol Weird... Michael michael Yeah. Carrol carrol He sounds like a nice guy. Michael michael I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith. Andy andy This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up. Gabe gabe How is that relevant to anything? Andy andy I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, 'My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.' I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way. Gabe gabe The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no. Andy andy I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you. Gabe gabe Oh wow another living room! Michael michael It's a family room. Carrol carrol You put the TV here, you put the family over here. Michael michael Michael why are you here? Carrol carrol Someone told me that I romanticize relationships Michael michael You know, we all do that. Carrol carrol I have herpes. Michael michael What? Did you have that while we were together? Carrol carrol I just found out today. It's, uh, right there. Michael michael Oh! Oh, that's what you're talking about? Carrol carrol Mmhmm, I'm sorry. Michael michael Did the doctor check it out? Carrol carrol I'm between specialists right now. Michael michael Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date. Carrol carrol Well I believe in love at first sight. Michael michael Well so do I, but we didn't love each other at first either. I don't know what you were thinking! Carrol carrol I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous. Michael michael [walking downstairs] Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they? Dwight dwight No. Carrol carrol [Andy walks in Darryl's office] We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying? Darryl darryl No I'm just sweating. Andy andy I don't know who's got you upset but my advice is stop crying. Darryl darryl I'm not crying I'm just sweating. Andy andy Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self. Darryl darryl Ok. Andy andy Yeah. Darryl darryl I have no idea what his problem is, that's just my standard advice. It's good advice right? Darryl darryl [on answering machine] This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. [BEEP] Holly holly Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye. Michael michael What is this about? Oscar oscar Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall? Michael michael Yes! Oscar oscar You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease. Michael michael What? Oscar oscar Herpes duplex. Michael michael It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive. Dwight dwight I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you. Michael michael We were never lovers! Oscar oscar I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms... Dwight dwight Flower shops, fireworks celebrations... Michael michael Fence with a hole in it.. Dwight dwight Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park... Michael michael The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home. Dwight dwight An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving] Michael michael The democratic primaries, Dwight dwight Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams] Michael michael