Wow. Late every day this week. Dwight dwight We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic... Pam pam Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building? Dwight dwight Is there really? Jim jim Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha [laughing maniacally] Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea. Dwight dwight Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers. Dwight dwight Aaah! Jim jim Aaah! Mose mose You remember my cousin Mose. Dwight dwight Welcome children. Mose mose Were you painting in the dark? Pam pam Wait. Is this your place Dwight? Jim jim Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour? Dwight dwight I don't really think we need... Pam pam Oh... lets take the tour Pam. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. [pause] I see you found out magical toy box Jim. Dwight dwight These are actually forks and knives from the break room. Jim jim Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork. Dwight dwight And a soy sauce packet. Pam pam Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed. Dwight dwight Don't beat yourself up. Jim jim We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success. Dwight dwight Who will be watching the children? Jim jim No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible. Dwight dwight Prove it. Jim jim What? Dwight dwight Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works. Jim jim Oh no, no, no. Dwight dwight But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good. Jim jim I promise you, that door locks! [Jim closes the door] Dwight dwight What's something that you... Toby toby This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it! Michael michael Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell. Michael michael Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here. Toby toby I know what you want to ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?" Michael michael We can do this with more privacy. Toby toby So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key. Michael michael Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall! Dwight dwight The mall itself or just the stores in the mall? Phyllis phyllis All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks! Dwight dwight America is one big mall. Ryan ryan Did something happen Dwight? Jim jim Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim. Dwight dwight Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board. Andy andy You don't want to know. Dwight dwight I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons. Toby toby I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid. Phyllis phyllis [on phone] Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes. Pam pam Pam? Jim jim I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok. Pam pam Everything is going to be ok. Jim jim Tell me I'm good at sales. Pam pam You're good... you're good at sales. Jim jim The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair. Pam pam Dwight? Andy andy What? Dwight dwight Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word? Andy andy Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients. Dwight dwight No you will not. Stanley stanley Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're "appearance"ists! Dwight dwight Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened? Jim jim Yeah, what happened Dwight? Pam pam Ok. Jim jim You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall... Dwight dwight So what happened? Pam pam I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms. Dwight dwight You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to "Pretty Woman" their asses. Kelly kelly We should start our own mall! Creed creed Yeah! Erin erin Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly. Jim jim What did I say? Kelly kelly I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out. Kelly kelly Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson. Jim jim No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you. Andy andy Ok Dwight dwight Alright. Jim jim Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? [removes cuff link] How about now? [removes other cuff link] How about now? [removes tie clip] How about now? Andy andy Uh... what was your favorite flavor of... Toby toby One hour. Michael michael What? Toby toby One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today. Michael michael Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk. Toby toby No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time. Michael michael Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly... Toby toby You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me? Michael michael Tell me! Toby toby I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere. Toby toby Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby. Michael michael Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl... Dwight dwight Pretty Woman. Andy andy Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...? Dwight dwight No, no. I want to hear you tell it. Jim jim Ok, Um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the "trappings" of extravagant wealth, but instead of going... Dwight dwight Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like," I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me." And the shop girl goes, "ok". And Julia Roberts goes," You girls work on commission, right?" And the girl is like,"Yeah", and Julia Roberts goes... Andy andy "Big mistake! Huge!" Kelly kelly I was telling that... I was telling that. Andy andy How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure. Stanley stanley Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments? Window Treatment Guy window-treatment-guy I don't know. Erin erin Is one of you the office administrator? Window Treatment Guy window-treatment-guy [hesitates] I am. I am the office administrator! Pam pam Can I show you a few samples? Window Treatment Guy window-treatment-guy Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all. Pam pam There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work. Pam pam Toby, can I really tell you anything? Michael michael Of course. Toby toby Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half. Michael michael Office Administrator. So when did this happen? Oscar oscar A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that? Pam pam Yeah, totally. Well, congrats! Oscar oscar Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right? Pam pam Totally, that's great. Oscar oscar I get paid $40,000 per year. Pam pam Great. Oscar oscar Maybe $50,000. Pam pam $50,000? Oscar oscar No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500. Pam pam That's great. Oscar oscar Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman. Jim jim A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes. Andy andy Is he still doing his boycott? Stanley stanley No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah? Jim jim You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo. Kelly kelly Agreed. Jim jim Really? Dwight dwight Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching. Oscar oscar Wait. Less matching to appear more rich? Dwight dwight The glasses are a little... [Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them] Ryan ryan I liked them. Pam pam I thought they were kind of cute. Kelly kelly Yeah, I liked them too. Ryan ryan I can't see. Dwight dwight Say stuff like, "Good morning, Good Afternoon". People appreciate that. Darryl darryl Wait, I see you every day. Can I say "Good month?" Dwight dwight I'm telling you how to do this man. Darryl darryl If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you. Andy andy Please and thank you go a long way. Angela angela Copy. Thank you. Dwight dwight Thank you. Angela angela Please. Dwight dwight [in a cockney accent] I think he's got it! Andy andy And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? [howls and growls like a werewolf] Michael michael Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories. Toby toby Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? [pause] Three hours. We're half way done. Michael michael Oh. Toby toby Hey, do you have a second? Pam pam Yeah. Gabe gabe Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over. Pam pam Right, of course! Gabe gabe And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you. Pam pam Thank you so much. Gabe gabe I just think somebody lost the paperwork. Pam pam Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate? Gabe gabe Yes. Absolutely. Right away. Pam pam You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking? Toby toby [fanfare] Andy andy We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute. Jim jim Go get 'em Dwight. Phyllis phyllis Wish us luck! Jim jim Thank you. Dwight dwight Dwight [snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can] Erin erin Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today. Erin erin We can play something more complicated if you like. Toby toby This is plenty complicated. Michael michael So you have played it before? Toby toby I've played it once or twice with Jeff. Michael michael Who's Jeff? Toby toby Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married. Michael michael So, her husband, your stepdad? Toby toby Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though. Michael michael Did you guys do much stuff together? Toby toby Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager. Michael michael It's working. I'm doing it! Toby toby [coughs for attention] Angela angela What? Dwight dwight My place tonight. Wear this. [motioning to his new outfit] Angela angela Do you have your card? Dwight dwight Yes. Don't forget the pipe. Angela angela Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park? Toby toby I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid. Michael michael Why? Toby toby I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better. Michael michael Dogs don't do that. Toby toby Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly. Michael michael I don't know. Toby toby When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so... Michael michael It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it? Toby toby Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok. Michael michael I'm just trying to help you Michael. Toby toby You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game? Michael michael I just want to... Toby toby You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry? Michael michael [tossing forms at Michael] Just fill them out any way you want. Toby toby Ok. Michael michael I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate. Toby toby You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [giving Toby two middle fingers] and call me in the morning. Michael michael Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... [Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.] Pam pam There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone. Pam pam So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation? Gabe gabe Yes. Toby toby That is not how it seems to me. Gabe gabe He seems fine. Toby toby You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior. Gabe gabe Heh. Toby toby I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard. Darryl darryl We can do that. Pam pam Right in here? Darryl darryl Easily. Pam pam I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem. Gabe gabe But of course! Pam pam Great. Gabe gabe The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator. Gabe gabe So weird that there is no paperwork. Pam pam At all. Gabe gabe Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America. Pam pam Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit... Gabe gabe Admit what? Pam pam I don't want to say it. Gabe gabe Say it. Pam pam Mm-hmm. Gabe gabe Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe. Pam pam Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment. Gabe gabe Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle. Pam pam Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis? Gabe gabe Sure. Anything else? Pam pam Nope. Gabe gabe I'll get it right away. Pam pam The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards. Pam pam Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it. Jim jim It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal. Dwight dwight Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that. Jim jim Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge. Dwight dwight That's it. Jim jim Let me know if I can help you with anything. Salesman salesman Excuse me sir. Dwight dwight Yes? Salesman salesman I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me. Dwight dwight I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that. Salesman salesman You work on commission, don't you? Dwight dwight Stop, stop, stop. Jim jim No, we don't. Salesman salesman Did you just say you remember him? Jim jim Of course, but he looks much less threatening now. Salesman salesman What does that mean? Jim jim We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back... Salesman salesman Good Morning! Dwight dwight If he were in accordance with our dress policy. Salesman salesman What? Dwight dwight But the blood stained hands... Salesman salesman It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi... Dwight dwight I'm very sorry. Salesman salesman Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir! Dwight dwight Lets just go. Jim jim You made a big mistake. Huge! Dwight dwight There it is. Alright. Jim jim Aaah! Dwight dwight That's pretty good. Jim jim After you. Andy andy [re-entering the store] I'll take the wizard! Dwight dwight Oh, ok! Salesman salesman You forged them! You forged the forms! Michael michael You filled them in and faxed them yourself! Toby toby Yes. Michael michael You remember that. Toby toby Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake. Michael michael Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose. Toby toby You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [mimicking Gabe] "I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!" [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it! Michael michael