[Elevator opens on Andy, who starts lip dub to the Isley Brothers "Nobody But Me", joined by the rest of the Office] None none [to Toby, who's filming] You fallin' behind. Stanley stanley [jumps in front of camera] Wuphf.com! Ryan ryan Ryan, we're doing the dance! Kelly kelly This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country. Ryan ryan [Bluetooth rings] You got Creed. Creed creed -and you jump in front of them. Ryan ryan You make it so hard to love you sometimes. Kelly kelly Still behind. Stanley stanley [closing door] I said I didn't want to be on the internet! Angela angela Go, go, go, go! Andy andy [performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing] Michael michael Streamers! [everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing] All all Hiya! Ha! [climbs on Phyllis' desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal] Dwight dwight Dwight! [Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk] Phyllis phyllis Are you crazy? Stanley stanley [song ends] Toby, how did we do? Andy andy Well, that was better. Toby toby Whoo! We did it! [everyone starts cheering] Andy andy I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did. Michael michael Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there. Andy andy Yes, of course. Erin erin And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher. Andy andy Who's the guy who invented the peanut? Erin erin Hey, guys. Gabe gabe Hey! Andy andy Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Gabe gabe Not at all. Andy andy I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. [he and Erin kiss] Gabe gabe I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite. Gabe gabe Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great. Erin erin Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe. Andy andy [goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it] Hey. What are you doing? Pam pam From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack. Dwight dwight Well, what if you're cold? Kevin kevin Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I'm too busy. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear. Jim jim [drinking from Camelback] Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration. Dwight dwight Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list. Dwight dwight This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, "Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?" And I'd be like, "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah," giving you the exact right answer. Kelly kelly Coffee Monkey's arrived. Luke luke The coffee's supposed to be here at 9. Oscar oscar Here you go, Big O. Tiny. [hands Kevin his coffee] Darryl Hannah. Luke luke It says decaf. You get me decaf? Darryl darryl Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back? Luke luke My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him. Darryl darryl New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father. Andy andy My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints. Luke luke That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael. Andy andy He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Ah! It's not cappuccino. Michael michael He messed yours up to. Oscar oscar He's got to go, Mike. Darryl darryl It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay? Michael michael Wow, that's a lot of keys. Jim jim The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man. Dwight dwight That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back. Jim jim Where? Dwight dwight I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. [pulls out stethoscope] Jim jim Give me that. Dwight dwight Yep. Wait, and this. [hands Dwight a hammer] Jim jim Yes. Dwight dwight Go get 'em. Jim jim What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life. Jim jim [Jim quietly takes Dwight's keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles] Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. [removes keys and throws them at Jim] Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim. Dwight dwight Sorry. Pam pam Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but... Jim jim It was really funny. Pam pam Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert. Jim jim I love you. Pam pam Luke? Luke! Phyllis phyllis What's up, Venus? Luke luke Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em. Phyllis phyllis Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe. Luke luke Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp. Meredith meredith You don't have to yell. Luke luke Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me. Michael michael What for? Luke luke To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great. Michael michael And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew. Michael michael Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest. Michael michael Don't bother Luke. Michael michael Why is there a circle with a line through it? Pam pam That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam? Michael michael Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke. Phyllis phyllis No, it... Yes, okay, right. [erases don't] All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. [writes "Don't" in front of symbol] Michael michael Don't don't bother Luke. Got it. Darryl darryl Come on. Okay, um... [draws a circle around "Don't" with a line through it] That's as clear as I can make it. Michael michael Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it. Phyllis phyllis Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us. Michael michael Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe? Dwight dwight That'd be hilarious. Uh, "Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em." Gabe gabe Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke. Michael michael How close? Dwight dwight Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you? Michael michael Yes. Of course. Dwight dwight Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related. Toby toby No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew. Michael michael What? All all Luke is my nephew. Michael michael Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew. Oscar oscar Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing. Michael michael What's wrong with a level playing field? Darryl darryl Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe. Michael michael Oh, man, so many points being made. Jim jim I couldn't care less about nepotism. But, I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat. Creed creed God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son. Michael michael That's a really tight argument. Erin erin Thank you. Michael michael But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus. Jim jim No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't? Michael michael This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible. Oscar oscar Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does! Michael michael I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you. Kelly kelly If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret? Oscar oscar Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "Wow, he is so great." And I was gonna say, "Well, it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is. Michael michael Hey! Ice cream afternoon! Erin erin Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Michael michael Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream? Kevin kevin Or enough for everyone? Pam pam No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips. Luke luke Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips. Oscar oscar Clutch cream run, bro. Andy andy Get whatever you want, on me. Pam pam You really think you can make it up to me with food? Jim jim I don't know. That usually works. Pam pam I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right. Pam pam I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew's car. Angela angela Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off! Michael michael Well, take a look. It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them. Phyllis phyllis All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store. Michael michael Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, "I don't own an Ebay store," so... Jim jim Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project. Michael michael Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday. Oscar oscar Let's just make this kid open this damn car. Stanley stanley Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots. Erin erin I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway. Michael michael You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A. Andy andy Wait a minute. Michael michael [breaks into the car] I'm in. Meredith meredith Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony. Michael michael Yep, here they are. Oscar oscar Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time. Phyllis phyllis This kid's costing us sales, Michael. Andy andy I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see. Erin erin No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit. Michael michael Why is this my problem, Michael? Jo jo Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you. Michael michael Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable. Gabe gabe Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won't fire the boy. Jo jo You don't have all the facts. Michael michael Which are? Jo jo I love him. Michael michael Oh, God. How far has it gone? Jo jo No. No. He's my nephew. Michael michael Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house. Jo jo Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool. Michael michael If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities. Jo jo I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump. Michael michael Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys. Jo jo Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other. Michael michael Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff. Kevin kevin Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses "Doors closed" the doors open. Or he presses "lobby" it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that? Pam pam Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board. Kevin kevin Dwight is about to get so Pammed. Pam pam Hey, did you SMS text message me? Dwight dwight Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on. Pam pam [as elevator doors won't shut] Okay, that's weird. Just hitting "door closed." What? Dwight dwight There we go. Pam pam Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! [elevator stops between floors] Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol. Dwight dwight Let's just calm down. Pam pam Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately. Dwight dwight I don't- Pam pam Use your talons! Pry 'em open! [starts to urinate in elevator corner] Dwight dwight Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God! Pam pam Well, don't look, freak! Dwight dwight Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds! Pam pam I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner! Dwight dwight You've gotta be kidding me. Pam pam Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! [Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead] Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it! Michael michael What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said. Luke luke Give me the pointer. Michael michael So you just want me to move it? You're being totally unclear here. I'm just gonna go ahead and move it. [points it at Angela's chest] Luke luke No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously. Michael michael All right, fine. Fine. I'll just go. Luke luke Okay. Michael michael I'm gone. Luke luke All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup- Michael michael Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye. Andy andy Michael, do something. Angela angela Sack up, man. Meredith meredith Okay, can I have that? Michael michael No. Luke luke Ok, I am going to count down from five. Michael michael Five, four... Both both I'm not kidding. Michael michael Three, two, one. Both both Give-okay. Alright, give it up. Michael michael No! Luke luke [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke! Michael michael What the? Luke luke That's what you're going to do, Luke! Michael michael What the hell was that? Luke luke I had to do that. Michael michael Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it! Luke luke All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment. Michael michael That was awesome! Kevin kevin Texas justice. Stanley stanley Yeah, your nephew is so lame. Kelly kelly He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean. Creed creed You follow him on Twitter? Jim jim Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him. Creed creed Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private? Gabe gabe Yes, of course. What is this in reference to? Michael michael Pam? Jim jim Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight. Pam pam I did not do this. Jim jim I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video. Pam pam This is impressive. Jim jim Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing. Pam pam Do they call you that? Jim jim They do call me that. Pam pam Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down. Jim jim Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor. Pam pam Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight? Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Great. Jim jim How ya doin'? Dwight dwight Pretty good. You must be almost out of water. Jim jim Stop drinking the water! Stop! Pam pam [Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked] No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah. Andy andy Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them. Michael michael [Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy] Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop! Andy andy Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling. Gabe gabe That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery. Michael michael Good. Well, that's the spirit. Gabe gabe I can do that. Michael michael And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors. Gabe gabe Okay. Wait, what? Michael michael Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael. Toby toby Is there another option? Michael michael The alternative is termination. [Michael stares off, considering termination...] Gabe gabe