Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community. Michael michael YAY! Kids kids Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha... [bumps into something] ... ha ha ha. Michael michael We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company. Jim jim I am going to scare these kids so bad. Michael michael This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. [Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona] Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim. Darryl darryl Black widow. Angela angela Lulu from The Fifth Element. Kelly kelly Nobody told me what people were, alright? So... label yourselves or take what you get. Darryl darryl I want to sell your blood! Creed creed That's really not the trend in vampires right now. Ryan ryan Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell. Darryl darryl I'm a hobo. Meredith meredith I asked for a list. [Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically] ...and a clown. Darryl darryl I'm Jigsaw, idiot. Dwight dwight You're not as scary as Book Face, over there. Darryl darryl Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face. Jim jim Ok, kids. You've all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy! Darryl darryl Yeah! [a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck - the kids scream] Kids kids Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright? Michael michael Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message? Michael michael It is the easy way out. You are not alone. Michael michael What the hell is wrong with you? Darryl darryl Who wants candy? Michael michael ...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival. Michael michael Wow. Jim jim Sounds like fun. You guys would love it. Michael michael I bet we would. Jim jim They have a TCBY booth. Michael michael Cool. Jim jim The same stuff you get downtown. Michael michael Mmm-hmm. Jim jim Do you like TCBY? Michael michael Who doesn't? Jim jim I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun Michael michael I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour. Erin erin Oh. Actually, it's just gonna be me. Jim jim They said the both of you. Erin erin That is a mistake. Jim jim You should give them a call. Check that out. Michael michael Alright. Let's clear this up. [on phone] Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem? Jim jim Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional? Michael michael Great. See ya' then. Jim jim Wha- what? Michael michael They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along. Jim jim Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand. Michael michael I absolutely don't understand, either. Jim jim I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright. Michael michael Alright. Jim jim Let me get your stroller. Michael michael Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right? Jim jim What are you gonna call him? Michael michael Dave. Jim jim No. What is his name? Michael michael Dave. Jim jim Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal. Michael michael Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone. Jim jim Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing? Michael michael Yes, it is. Jim jim ...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that. Michael michael No thanks. Jim jim They are into style. Michael michael Mmm-hmm. Jim jim They are into appearance. We are selling success. Michael michael ...and paper. Jim jim That's sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again] Michael michael Nope. No. Jim jim He's trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me. Jim jim Here we are outside- Pam pam WB! Andy andy - the Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park. Pam pam Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls. Andy andy The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them. Pam pam [singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202. Andy andy Here it is. [Andy is still singing] Suite 401. Pam pam Yeah. I was gonna sing that part. Andy andy I know. Now you don't have to. Pam pam Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401. Andy andy Alright. Hi. Any messages? Michael michael You're soaking wet. Erin erin Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning. Michael michael Wow. Sounds scary. Phyllis phyllis It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't. Michael michael Why isn't Jim wet? Angela angela I outran it. Jim jim I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing. Meredith meredith It rained. Michael michael Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa? Dwight dwight Nothing. Cocoa. Michael michael I'll just leave that suit in your office then. Jim jim Good. Yep. Michael michael Must be nice to have company on these cold calls. Secretary secretary We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam's tummy] Andy andy How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet? Secretary secretary [Andy shakes his head 'no'] Oh. No, no. [laughing] We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together. Pam pam [miffed] Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies. Andy andy [Michael is walking around in one of Jim's suits] Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond. Erin erin Ok. Thank you. Michael michael Did you say 'Koi pond'? Stanley stanley [phone rings] Yeah? Michael michael Michael, people are asking questions. Erin erin Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on? Michael michael Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond? Phyllis phyllis Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection. Michael michael Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond? Oscar oscar Mmm... it's like Michael said. It was some- something else. Jim jim It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing. Michael michael So you fell in? Angela angela No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in. Michael michael So a child had fallen in? Angela angela Not yet! Michael michael That is hilarious. [extends hand for a fist bump] Kevin kevin No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. [Stanley laughs] Michael michael Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out. Jim jim And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area. Pam pam Well that sounds like a really nice deal. Customer customer Sha-bow. Andy andy And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too. Customer customer Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not. Andy andy My mistake. Sorry. Customer customer It's ok. Pam pam Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine. Andy andy That- that's good for you. Customer customer Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes. Pam pam Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like. Andy andy Yeah. Pam pam You were way meaner to me than I was to you. Pam pam No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich. Andy andy You blew the sale, you idiot. Pam pam Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale. Andy andy Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together? Michael michael Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called. Erin erin Oh. He did? What did he say? Michael michael He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it. Erin erin Ok. Michael michael [whispers to Erin] I'm gonna kill you. Kevin kevin Michael, don't listen to them. Stanley stanley Thank you, Stanley. Michael michael You just ignore their carp. Stanley stanley Ok. Michael michael Michael? Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay. Dwight dwight Hey, boss, did you find Nemo? Creed creed I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story. Michael michael Don't you mean 'Koi Story'? Oscar oscar And when you fell in, did you flounder? Phyllis phyllis Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and - Dwight dwight I know what a flounder is. Michael michael I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good. Michael michael The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis? Michael michael Michael, you make fun of us every day. Phyllis phyllis Uh... Michael michael Yeah. Every single day. Kevin kevin You never said anything. Michael michael Uh, we have. Countless times. Meredith meredith Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!' Michael michael That's never the case. Angela angela We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on. Michael michael I don't want people making fun of my nose. Dwight dwight Your nose? Michael michael It's too small. Dwight dwight Alright. Michael michael Oh my. That is small. Oscar oscar Just, write it down, please. Dwight dwight Can you breathe okay? Oscar oscar What keeps your glasses on? Kelly kelly Hey! It's on the list, everybody. Dwight dwight No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance. Michael michael I don't want people making fun of my weight. Kevin kevin Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? [writes Huge Gut] Meredith? Michael michael I don't want to say it out loud. Meredith meredith Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away. Michael michael I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do? [she writes 'sex with a terrorist'] Meredith meredith Ok. Michael michael That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it. Andy andy Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple. Keena Gifford keena-gifford Well- Andy andy Oh- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you. Pam pam Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do. Keena Gifford keena-gifford Well, you know. Pam pam Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook- Andy andy He loves to eat. Pam pam I love to dance- Andy andy I love to watch him dance. Pam pam Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room- Andy andy And I'll just watch him. Pam pam And a baby on the way? You must be so excited. Keena Gifford keena-gifford Yes. Pam pam Yeah. We are thrilled. Andy andy Mmm-hmm. Pam pam In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey? Andy andy It was, sweetie. Pam pam Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet. Keena Gifford keena-gifford Yeah. On Clearview Avenue. Andy andy Yeah! Keena Gifford keena-gifford Yeah. Andy andy This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel. Angela angela So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal? Phyllis phyllis Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. [everyone shows remorse] Erin erin It's a fish. Michael michael They want you to pay for it. Erin erin It could've died of natural causes. So... Michael michael Well, they said you stepped on it's head. He did not suffer. Erin erin When is the funeral? Oscar oscar Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want? Michael michael $300. Erin erin What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm. Michael michael Oh, you're payin' way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy? Creed creed Ok. Great meeting, everybody. That's it. Jim jim No, no. Michael michael Thank you. [everyone begins to leave] Dwight dwight No. We are not done here. This- Michael michael One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick! Andy andy That's great! Keena Gifford keena-gifford Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me. Andy andy Yeah, well, that'll happen. Pam pam Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. [leans over and kisses Pam's belly] Andy andy Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting. Pam pam Message received, little soy bean. Andy andy I think you just gotta ride this one out, man. Jim jim No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'. Michael michael No, they don't. Jim jim Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail. Michael michael Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away. Jim jim I want to make fun of you right now. Michael michael Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball. Jim jim No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid. Michael michael See? Jim jim Oh, my God. Michael michael Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? [everyone starts laughing] Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to. Michael michael Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby? Phyllis phyllis Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem. Michael michael Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself. Dwight dwight It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. [Michael begins to lose his cool] Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. [realizing he's going downhill] Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice. Michael michael [watching Angela eat something] Enjoying your nut? Kevin kevin Kevin. Oscar oscar Why? Angela angela I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut. Kevin kevin I was. Angela angela Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over. Michael michael Mm... I'm, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so... Jim jim We'll stay late. Kevin kevin Well, that went pretty well. Andy andy Yeah, I guess. Pam pam We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it. Andy andy If I'm being completely honest, I could've done without the belly kiss. Pam pam You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much. Andy andy Yeah. Way too much. Pam pam Yeah. Andy andy I mean, what the hell was that? Pam pam What the heck was that? Andy andy When you cried? Pam pam Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy. Andy andy You're fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes? Pam pam No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right? Andy andy Hmm. Pam pam I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single. Andy andy Well, are you dating anyone? Pam pam What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool. Andy andy Ah. Pam pam You think I can do better? Andy andy Ah. Pam pam Gotta get my goin' out on. Andy andy Hey, let's watch this thing. Meredith meredith Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this. Jim jim How can we not watch this? Oscar oscar What happened to 'Do Not Mock'? Jim jim We're not mocking, we're watching. Phyllis phyllis That will inevitably lead to mocking. So... Jim jim Well, we'll deal with it as it comes. Phyllis phyllis Is this the tape of me falling? Michael michael Yes. Put the DVD in. Phyllis phyllis Open QuickTime. Kevin kevin It starts on it's own. Let it - Oscar oscar No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this. Kevin kevin Guys. Michael can't handle this and as your boss I'm saying we're not watching it. Jim jim No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you. Michael michael What are you doing? Jim jim It's alright. I can handle it. Michael michael No. Jim jim I am a grown-up, Jim. Michael michael Shh. It's on. Meredith meredith Here they come. [everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in] Boom! Kevin kevin Oh. Did - did you see that? Oscar oscar See what? Jim jim Why'd you stop it? Angela angela Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it. Jim jim Jim, you let Michael fall in. Oscar oscar Play it again. [everyone has the same reaction as before] He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in. Dwight dwight Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze. Jim jim I don't think you froze. Michael michael It's a killer new dance move. [re-enacts leaning back] Do you wanna talk in your office? Jim jim No. Angela angela I didn't ask you. [back to Michael] Would you like to talk? [walks away] Jim jim Judas. Dwight dwight Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But- Dwight dwight I should've grabbed you. I'm sorry. Look, I thought I could've done today's sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job. Jim jim Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me. Michael michael [as Jim enters the kitchen] Hey, what's up lifeguard? Meredith meredith Jim, I think I'm in your way. [leans back - they both exit] Oscar oscar Oscar's a douche. Michael michael [laughing] He's alright. Jim jim No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. [holds door open as they exit] Michael michael Thanks Michael. Jim jim You're welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh] Michael michael Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me? Pam pam Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them. Erin erin Ok. Pam pam Thanks. Erin erin Mmm-hmm. Pam pam How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales? Erin erin No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool. Pam pam Yeah, he is! Erin erin Yeah, he is. Pam pam He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met. Erin erin That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando. Pam pam Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is. Erin erin I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah. Pam pam