I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room? Pam pam We would really appreciate it. Jim jim Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass. Dwight dwight Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy. Pam pam Now this is getting ridiculous. Phyllis phyllis Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk. Dwight dwight All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I'm not stopping for anyone. Meredith meredith I don't think I'm asking for too much. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace. Pam pam [Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it] Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And... frankly so does talking about it. So... wow... [Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles; Dwight stares shocked; Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look] Andy andy [standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding] What do you think? I spent all morning on it. Michael michael It is really special. Jim jim Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... no. It's great. Pam pam It's just a really important day for me. Michael michael Well, congrats. Jim jim Thanks. Michael michael Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day. Erin erin Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column. Jim jim So... you're going to provide them, then? Kevin kevin No. This is a fire cracker free wedding. Jim jim What the hell? Kevin kevin Come on. You've got to be kidding me. Dwight dwight Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding. Pam pam Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended. Jim jim Decent people everywhere will get offended. Angela angela Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned. Pam pam Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers. Angela angela That's nice. Jim jim You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding. Pam pam Really, Pam... Angela angela Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. [hugs Angela] Michael michael Ow! He pinched me! Angela angela No. Michael michael Next time we're all in this room Jim and I will be married. Pam pam We'll see. Dwight dwight Thank you, Dwight. Pam pam Good-bye. Jim jim See you later. [others say good-bye] Pam pam And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara. Michael michael What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter] Andy andy Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke. Michael michael No... I didn't steal your joke. Andy andy Yes. I said that yesterday. Michael michael But you can say that about anything. Dwight dwight Dwight... Michael michael What happens in accounting, stays in accounting. Dwight dwight Oh yeah. Kevin kevin No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke. Michael michael It's easy. That's what I'm saying. Dwight dwight This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls! Michael michael Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe. Michael michael I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family. Dwight dwight Get out of here. Michael michael Yes. Dwight dwight Oh, my God, Dwight. Michael michael For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster. Dwight dwight There's... a name. Michael michael Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike. Dwight dwight Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn. Michael michael Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately. Dwight dwight Ok. Michael michael She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike. Dwight dwight Is that all you have on her? Michael michael Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name. Dwight dwight You're an idiot. Michael michael People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but I'm going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair- [beeps again.] Ok. Ok. I'm going. [long beep] God. Kevin kevin [in Andy's car, Andy driving] Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know. Andy andy This is so much cooler. We feel like wer're in a limo and you're our driver. Kelly kelly Mmm-hmm. Erin? Andy andy Oh no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back. Erin erin Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom. Andy andy [in car] Hey, my aunt told me something neat. Pam pam Yeah? Jim jim She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points. Pam pam Oh, wow. That's cool. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever. Jim jim Oh. Pam pam Lousy Picture. Jim jim We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures. Pam pam [in car, Michael driving] Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep. Michael michael What? No way! Dwight dwight Those glasses are super dark. Michael michael Oh. God. Dwight dwight Alright. We need some tunes, I think. Michael michael You know what? I made you a cd... Dwight dwight You did? Michael michael Mmm-hmm. Dwight dwight That was nice of you. Michael michael This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room. Dwight dwight Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in. Michael michael You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the cd] "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of you're night in heaven-" [Michael turns off cd] Dwight dwight Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room? Michael michael Yeah. It's practical. Dwight dwight No. No. That's not how it works. Michael michael Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun. Jim jim Halpert... Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk And Beesly. Tonight we're in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite. Jim jim Great. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk I know. We're pretty excited, too. Jim jim Can we take a look at the suite now? Pam pam Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend? Pam pam Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs] Andy andy I don't like that. Jim jim I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please. Pam pam Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott. Michael michael One moment while I check. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement. Dwight dwight Mmm-hmm. Michael michael I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation? Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms. Michael michael Oh, ok. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745. Dwight dwight Yes. Schrute. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes? Dwight dwight Sure. No problem. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk Ok. Dwight dwight Here's your key, Mr. Schrute. Front Desk Clerk front-desk-clerk Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room. Michael michael No way. What if I meet someone? Dwight dwight I'm staying in your- Come on, Dwight. Michael michael No. No. Dwight dwight I would do the same for you. Michael michael You would? Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Really? Dwight dwight Yes... just go- Michael michael Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours. Dwight dwight Oh. Thank God. Michael michael Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you? Dwight dwight Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why. Michael michael Please? Dwight dwight If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay. Michael michael Mmm-hmm. Dwight dwight Ok. Michael michael Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael's hand] That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me. Dwight dwight I don't have a room? Michael michael No you do not. Dwight dwight Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.' Michael michael It worked. Dwight dwight Jerk. Michael michael When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet. Michael michael Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson. Stanley stanley Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight? Michael michael Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me. Stanley stanley Not in the same bed. In the other bed. Michael michael I got one queen size bed. Stanley stanley You... are... kidding me. Michael michael A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael. Stanley stanley I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight? Michael michael Oh. Gross. Erin erin Blow my brains out. Kelly kelly That's rude. Michael michael Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want. Toby toby You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it. Michael michael So, which one is Pam's grandma? Mr. Halpert william-halpert Oh, Mema? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles. Pam pam Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right? Jim jim No. Mr. Halpert william-halpert Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word. Michael michael Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott. Jim jim Oh. Mr. Halpert william-halpert How ya doin'? Michael michael Hi. Mr. Halpert william-halpert Nice to meet you. Michael michael Nice to meet you. Mr. Halpert william-halpert Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and- Michael michael Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think. Jim jim [talking quietly, trying not to move his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives. Michael michael Pretty sure everyone heard that. Jim jim Didn't move my lips. Michael michael Hey, Mema. Pam pam I wasn't sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you. Sylvia sylvia Oh. Thank you... but nobody's perfect. Pam pam Well... I wouldn't care to live if I thought that. Sylvia sylvia Mr. Beesly. How are ya? Jim jim I'd like you to meet Christy Kelly. Mr. Beesly william-beesly Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece? Jim jim [laughs] No no. She's my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table? Mr. Beesly william-beesly From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report. Dwight dwight Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter? Little Girl little-girl Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim... the bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt. Dwight dwight Ewwww! Kids kids That's right. It is ew. It is very ew. Dwight dwight Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor. Pam pam Pleased to meet you. Oscar oscar I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil? Penny penny She thought I was your boyfriend. Kevin kevin You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you? Oscar oscar Oscar, it was an honest mistake. Pam pam Him? Him? Oscar oscar Oscar, I would be proud to date you. Kevin kevin I'm sorry. Penny penny I'm not gay. I'm Kevin. Kevin kevin Nice to meet you, Kevin. Penny penny Yes. Kevin kevin You owe me and apology. Oscar oscar I'm so sorry. Penny penny Are you seeing anyone right now? Kevin kevin She has a boyfriend. He's out of town. Pam pam Cool. Kevin kevin [to a girl sitting next to him] I was the youngest VP in the company history. Ryan ryan More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories. Meredith meredith Um... also- Ryan ryan How did Meredith get put at the young people's table? Andy andy She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin. Kevin kevin What? You're kid- That's- You're- Andy andy Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here. Isabel isabel Head table, where I belong. Michael michael It's just for family. Dwight dwight Well, who's that one? Michael michael Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2. Dwight dwight What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight? Michael michael That's a very good record. Dwight dwight Alright, so I'll be like, 'You're so sweet guys and so kind'. Pete pete That's when I'll do the face, like- Tom tom Like, 'What? What?'. And then we'll just give him a little punch in the back and- Pete pete A noogie? Tom tom You know what? Never too married for a noogie. Pete pete They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom. Michael michael Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine. Tom tom Smoking. Pete pete Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch. Tom tom A little mo' cardio. Pete pete That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider. Michael michael Knight Rider. Dwight dwight That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope. Michael michael No. Dwight dwight That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing] Michael michael Very smart. Dwight dwight And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh. Michael michael No. Jim jim Yeah. Go ahead. Michael michael Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming. Jim jim Douche. Pete pete Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick? Jim jim Like... a year. Pam pam I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses- Jim jim What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink? Sylvia sylvia Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- no. What we want- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant. Jim jim [clears throat] Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex- Michael michael They were living together? Sylvia sylvia Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation. Michael michael Michael. Jim jim When you c- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation. Michael michael Oh, my God. Please. Jim jim When you use something to block- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman- Michael michael Michael. Pam pam ...but it's different for the- ok. Ok. Michael michael Michael. Stop. Pam pam Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word. Michael michael Alright. Jim jim Jim. Michael michael To waiting. Jim jim [quiet and scattered] To waiting. Everyone everyone I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called "Bruno" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, 'How could they pick such a hotel?' Hmmm. Now I know. Sylvia sylvia Mema. Pam pam That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it. Michael michael I can't believe it was me. Jim jim I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me. Michael michael Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things? Jim jim I have not found that to be the case. Michael michael Hey, smooth guys. Pam pam I'm so sorry. Jim jim Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me. Michael michael Mema's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning. Pam pam Oh, my God. Are you serious? Jim jim There's gonna be a free room? Michael michael Hi, Mema. It's Michael. Michael michael Oh. You're that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse. Sylvia sylvia Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I? Michael michael I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody. Michael michael I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off. Sylvia sylvia Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. [turns off tv] Michael michael Oh. Thank you. Sylvia sylvia You're welcome. Michael michael It was that horrible Charlie Rose. Sylvia sylvia Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life. Michael michael People are like cats and dogs these days. Sylvia sylvia Exactly. Michael michael This used to be such a great country. Sylvia sylvia I know. Michael michael I don't know what happened to it. Sylvia sylvia They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema. Michael michael You mean, Sylvia. Sylvia sylvia Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio. Michael michael Partay. Room 639. Andy andy Yes! Kevin kevin Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models. Andy andy That sounds epic. Can we bring anything? Kevin kevin Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo! Andy andy No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down. Andy andy If I was girl, I would seriously reconsdier coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them to come. Andy andy And where do you think you're going? Angela angela I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit. Pam pam Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead? Angela angela I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while. Pam pam Mmm-hmm. Ok. I'll go with you. Come on. Angela angela [sighs] Nevermind. Pam pam Are you sure? Angela angela Yeah. Pam pam It'll be fun. Angela angela No. Pam pam What are you wearing? Michael michael What? It's a casual, social outfit. Dwight dwight Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight. Michael michael No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex. Dwight dwight Ok. [Dwight howls] That's not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. [both howl as they exit] Michael michael It's a good idea. Kevin kevin It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece. Oscar oscar Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice. Kevin kevin I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself. Dwight dwight Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm. Michael michael Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have? Isabel isabel Nine and three-quarters. Dwight dwight I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'. Dwight dwight [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar. Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Drop this one. Abort. Dwight dwight Why? Michael michael I found twins. Dwight dwight Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you. Michael michael Aren't they magnificent? Dwight dwight They're men, Dwight. Michael michael I love finding a good set of twins. Dwight dwight Something is wrong with you. Michael michael [everyone is dancing] Go Meredith. Nice moves. Erin erin You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, ok? Like this. Andy andy Lame! What else you got, Andy? Kelly kelly How about a little bit of this. Andy andy Oh yeah. What else you got? Erin erin What else you got? Kevin kevin Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams out in pain] Andy andy What else you got? Erin erin It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Pam's here. [knocks on Pam's door] Pam? [knocks again] Kevin kevin I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket. Andy andy What? Pam pam I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital. Andy andy Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours. Pam pam Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here. Andy andy [on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital? Pam pam [over phone] What? Jim jim He tore his scrotum dancing. Pam pam [over phone] What? Jim jim He is in my room icing his balls. Pam pam [over phone] What? Jim jim Please stop saying what. Can you take him? Pam pam Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted. Jim jim Your brothers took you out drinking? Pam pam Uh... Jim jim [over phone] Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly. Michael michael That's Michael. You're out with Michael? Pam pam [over phone] And Dwight. Jim jim [over phone] Hey-O! Dwight dwight Pam, it just happened. Jim jim Okay, fine. I'll take him. Pam pam I love you. Okay, I gotta-I gotta go! Jim jim [over phone] I love you! [laughs] Michael michael Are you pushing me off the phone? Pam pam No. Let's talk for a long time. Jim jim Goodbye. [hangs up phone] Pam pam Mmm! It's after midnight. [points at Jim] Michael michael You're married. [hugs Jim] He's married! {Michael} and {Dwight} michael dwight Congratulations. Dwight dwight That's not how that works. Jim jim Oh my goodness. Dwight dwight Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back. Michael michael You'll have Pam to answer to. Dwight dwight She'll be sitting home saying, "Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons." [Dwight laughs] "And... and clip my toenails." Michael michael "Jim... hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV." Dwight dwight Now you sound like Kermit. Michael michael Are you sure this is the right way? Andy andy Nope. I, like you, have never been here before. Pam pam Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum. Andy andy Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before. Pam pam I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so- Andy andy My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job. Pam pam Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so- Andy andy [Pam swerves the car back and forth] Ow, ow! Andy andy [snickers] I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom. Andy andy Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night? Pam pam No. No that was real. Andy andy [folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket] Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy? Michael michael [Kevin rings bell at the front desk] Good morning. How can I help you? Hotel Employee hotel-employee I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet. Kevin kevin You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please. Hotel Employee hotel-employee Thank you. Kevin kevin [whispers to manager] Sir. It's the man with the shoes. Hotel Employee hotel-employee Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone. Hotel Manager hotel-manager They were stolen? Kevin kevin No. Destroyed. Hotel Manager hotel-manager What? Kevin kevin The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually. Hotel Manager hotel-manager But that was my only pair of shoes. Kevin kevin It became a safety issue, sir. Hotel Manager hotel-manager Well... well damn-it. Kevin kevin I can offer you a complimentary breakfast. Hotel Employee hotel-employee Okay. Kevin kevin [walking out of hotel room with a woman] You have everything? Dwight dwight Hmm-hmm. Isabel isabel Cell phone? Charger? Dwight dwight Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day. Isabel isabel It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel. Dwight dwight That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding? Isabel isabel You know it. Dwight dwight K. [they kiss] Isabel isabel Okay, get out of here. Dwight dwight Bye. Isabel isabel Okay. Dwight dwight [passes Isabel] Hey, good morning. [to Dwight] It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. [walks into hotel room] Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit. Michael michael [lays on bed] Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots. Dwight dwight [watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that? Michael michael I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You? Dwight dwight Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself. Michael michael Hey, what was she like? Dwight dwight She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger. Michael michael Brides side or grooms side? Or townie? Dwight dwight She was from Europe. Michael michael No kidding. Dwight dwight Uh-huh. Michael michael I bet she had hairy armpits. Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere. Dwight dwight Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me? Michael michael No. Dwight dwight She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe? Michael michael Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth. Dwight dwight No... you're crazy. Michael michael Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass. Dwight dwight She's- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It- it- Michael michael You should ask her out. Dwight dwight [stands up and walks away] I already have my European girlfriend. Michael michael If your hat hits me in the face one more time- Stanley stanley That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley's date] Phyllis phyllis [sees Kevin's toupee] Oh my God. Angela angela Oh... Oscar oscar Oscar. Angela. Kevin kevin Are you in a lot of pain? Erin erin Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um-I just have that side to me. Andy andy People say you cry all the time. Erin erin Well that's not- Andy andy Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me. Meredith meredith I wasn't telling you. Andy andy Is there still something there? Meredith meredith Excuse me? Andy andy It didn't get torn off? Meredith meredith No, it didn't-nothing got torn off. Who told you that? Andy andy I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married. Jim jim If you want to sit on this- [hands Andy her wrap] I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer. Erin erin It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you. Andy andy Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so- how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. [holds up painting] And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me. Michael michael I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs. Dwight dwight Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby. Penny penny Thank you weirdo. Pam pam everybody see Kristie's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom. Helene helene Okay, here I come. [walks out in her wedding dress] Pam pam Oh darling! You look beautiful. Helene helene Thanks mom. Pam pam Oh, I hope he deserves you. Helene helene He does. Pam pam Are you sure? Remember you don't have to do this. You don't. Helene helene Mom, you're totally projecting. You're being a drag. Penny penny Yes. Thank you, mom. Pam pam Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight. Isabel isabel Okay great. [Isabel kisses her cheek] Yeah, I'll see you in a second. [pauses] Wait, what? [tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears] Oh! Oh no! Pam pam [answers cell phone] Hey! Jim jim Can you come here please? Pam pam Is this allowed? Jim jim No. No, but I'm allowing it. Just come here. Pam pam [talking to a woman] That was an intelligent comment. Dwight dwight Hello stranger. How do I look? Isabel isabel Oh. Fine. Isabel, [holds out hand] nice to see you. What do you want? Dwight dwight Um... [shakes head] nothing. Anymore. Isabel isabel [turns back to other woman] So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene's and Filene's basement. Dwight dwight [to Isabel] Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy? Michael michael I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid. Isabel isabel Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go? Michael michael Hey. Pam pam Wow. You look- Jim jim Terrible. Pam pam So beautiful. [Pam's starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her] Hey- Jim jim My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels- Pam pam [takes her hand] Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty. Jim jim [sighs] Thank you. Pam pam And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right? Jim jim No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and- [Jim cuts off half his tie] Pam pam There. Now we're even. [Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss] Jim jim [sighs] Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. [Jim chuckles] And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. [sighs] This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people? Pam pam I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife. Phyllis phyllis Yes. Angela angela [to Kevin who is bouncing up and down] What are you doing? Oscar oscar I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee. Kevin kevin How long do you take to pee? Oscar oscar The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on. Kevin kevin [to Pam's mom] Hey. Hi. Do you-would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have- Michael michael Oh, yeah-[hands Michael a snack] Helene helene Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or- Michael michael No. Helene helene Oh... okay. Were you saving it? Michael michael Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just-I've had a very rough weekend. Helene helene I'm sorry. [puts food in his mouth] Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes. Michael michael Do you think they canceled the wedding? Erin erin Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party. Angela angela my weekend was bad so far. Michael michael Oh- Helene helene I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm. Michael michael Oh that sounds awful. Helene helene And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else. Michael michael Oh- Helene helene It is a terrible year for love. Michael michael Yeah. Guess it is. Helene helene I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen. Michael michael Excuse me, are you Michael Scott? Tom Halpert tom-halpert Um, yeah. Michael michael Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you. Tom tom Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back. Pete Halpert pete-halpert Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. [pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them] There you go. Use it in good health. Michael michael [laughing] Yes! {Tom} and {Pete} tom-halpert pete-halpert Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing? Meredith meredith Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster? Stanley stanley Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs? Kevin kevin No. Stanley stanley Who would want it? Kevin kevin Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes. Oscar oscar Toby. Dwight dwight What? Toby toby I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour. Dwight dwight [sighs] Toby toby [looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up] Come here you. Dwight dwight Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. [Jim and Pam walk in laughing] Toby toby Hey. What happened? Pam's Dad pams-dad Where were you guys? Do you know how long I've been waiting here? Ryan ryan Well we are here now, so let's just- Jim jim [walks up] Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look? Michael michael You look great. Jim jim You look great. Pam pam [looks at Jim's cut tie] Wear a tie much? Tom tom [music starts playing and people start dancing down the isle] I begged them not to. Penny penny Mm-hmm. Pam pam I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list. Penny penny Yes I did. Pam pam I'm sorry. Penny penny [smiles] Go ahead. I think it's your turn. Pam pam Wait, what happened? You're okay with this? Penny penny Yeah, I'm okay. Pam pam Okay then! [takes flower girl to dance down the isle] Penny penny Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube. Michael michael Saw it. Pam pam I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her. Jim jim What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel. Kevin kevin