[enters office, somersaults onto couch, kicks over painting and lamp] Parkour! Michael michael [rush into office, Andy climbs on reception desk, Dwight holds video camera] {Dwight} & {Andy} dwight andy Parkour! Andy andy [walking on Pam's desk, then Jim's desk] Extreme! Parkour! Dwight dwight This... is Parkour. [turns laptop to camera, shows Parkour instructional video] Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. [Michael is shown climbing/walking on various objects in office] The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital. Jim jim [stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films, Meredith is seen applying deodorant in women's bathroom] Dwight dwight [approaching elevator, as Michael films] Parkour! Parkour! {Dwight} & {Andy} dwight andy Andy! Leapfrog! [Andy leapfrogs Dwight] Dwight dwight Do me! Do me! Andy andy Yeah! [Dwight jumps on Andy's back, riding him like a horse] Parkour! Parkour! Dwight dwight Ow! Get off! Get off! Andy andy Okay. Dwight dwight [walking across cars in parking lot, Dwight filming] Parkour! Parkour! {Andy} & {Michael} andy michael [crouching beside car] Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera! [Michael feebly attempts to jump off car, gives double thumbs up to camera] Dwight dwight [standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy, looking down] Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time. Michael michael Here it is, here it is... truck, to refrigerators, to dumpster, [camera pans to refrigerator boxes, then dumpster] 360 onto the pallets, backflip gainer to the trash can. Andy andy [in unison] Yeah! Gainer! Woohoo! {Michael} & {Dwight} michael dwight [to Michael's camera] Hardcore Parkour! Andy andy Parkoooooour! Michael michael Let's do it! Dwight dwight [leaps from trailer, disappears into empty refrigerator box] Andy andy [look down, appearing shocked and concerned] {Michael} & {Dwight} michael dwight [inside refrigerator box, sounding injured] Parkour! Andy andy [on telephone] Good. Excellent. Thank you. Dwight dwight [hands Dwight a cup of water] There you go. Is there anything else I can do? Female Intern female-intern [chugs water, throws away cup] Yes. Umm... see those files behind Kevin's desk? Dwight dwight [nods] Mm hmm. Female Intern female-intern Go put them all in random order. Dwight dwight [confused] Mm-kay. Female Intern female-intern Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order. Dwight dwight This is the last day of our summer interns. It's been nice. We haven't had interns for a while, ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. [interns are shown gathered around Kelly's desk, one holding a box of tissues, as Kelly cries and wipes tears] He didn't do anything sexual. [female intern opens a jar of salsa for Michael] He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. [Meredith rubs her breasts into Maurie's back] It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program. Pam pam [to Oscar, motioning to male intern and female intern] Think she did him? Meredith meredith I bet there's something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday, and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer. Oscar oscar If they get married before I do, I'm going to kill myself. Kelly kelly [entering break room] Who's getting married? Michael michael Nobody. Pam pam If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm gonna start screaming. Michael michael It's Eric and Megan. Kelly kelly Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly. Michael michael They're not getting married. It's just talk. Phyllis phyllis Did everybody know about this but me? Michael michael There's nothing to know, it's just gossip. Phyllis phyllis [shaking head disgustedly] Okay... okay. [leaves room] Michael michael [talking head with Jim] We haven't told anyone I'm pregnant. Pam pam Well, with her being unmarried... knocked up by some guy, I mean the yakity-yaks in this office would have a field day. Jim jim Yeah, we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgum. Pam pam Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun? Jim jim Nope. Pam pam No shotgun... 'cause that changes everything. Jim jim Can't back out now, Halpert. Pam pam What are you gonna do about it? There's no shotgun, so... free at last, free at last! Jim jim No, keep it up. Pam pam [approaches Dwight's desk] You'll never guess what I know. Michael michael [typing] Okay, let me finish this thought. Dwight dwight Eric likes Megan. Michael michael [still typing] He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well. Dwight dwight [annoyed] How do you know this? Michael michael [still typing] People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. And... boom. [finishes typing, turns to face Michael] Okay, what is it, what can't I guess? Dwight dwight I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist? I should've known. Poopball? Michael michael [to Maurie, the Asian intern] Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said "The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle." Michael michael What are you talking about? Maurie maurie I'm talking about your group date with Megan and Eric. Michael michael At Tink's? Maurie maurie Yes Michael michael How'd you know about that? Maurie maurie Well... Michael michael Did Stanley tell you? Maurie maurie [confused] Stanley was on your group date? Michael michael No, Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him, but he didn't wave back. Maurie maurie [laughs] Does anybody else know about this? Michael michael No. Maurie maurie [laughs, looks to camera excitedly] Michael michael There he goes. There he goes. [Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area] Michael michael So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything? Michael michael [stare blankly at Michael] {Dwight}, {Jim} & {Pam} dwight jim pam Nothing? Well I got a little somethin' somethin'. I don't know if I should say... Michael michael Just keep it to yourself then. Pam pam Stanly is having a midlife crisis. Michael michael Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio. Dwight dwight Well apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people. Michael michael Teri's out of town, Michael. Phyllis phyllis Who? Michael michael Teri, Stanley's wife. She's at an interior decorating expo in Philly. Stanley hates crowds, kids, and music. I think you should check your facts. Phyllis phyllis [starts to speak, says nothing, walks away] Michael michael [entering break room, to Maurie] You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up. Michael michael What are you talking about? Maurie maurie Stanley's wife is out of town. Michael michael He was with somebody. Maurie maurie He was definitely with somebody. Eric eric Oh, was he? Well who, his sister? Michael michael [chuckles] Eric eric [upset] I don't get it! Michael michael If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal. Eric eric Drugs? Michael michael Making out. Eric eric [fumbling for words] Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on. Michael michael [approaching Kelly's desk, whispering] Stanley is having an affir. Michael michael WHAT?? Kelly kelly I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody's attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, [Michael is seen whispering to Jim, then Pam] that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention. Michael michael [motioning to pad of paper with hangman game, spelling out "S_an_ey is chea_in_ _n _eri] That and that are the same letter. Michael michael Q. Kevin kevin No... no. He's holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. What's that letter, right there? Same letter here and here. What haven't you guessed? Michael michael T. Kevin kevin T! Yes! Yes! That is a "T", and there's another one right there. Just sound that out. You're almost there. Michael michael [opening blinds as Stanley walks past] Hey, Stanley! Where you goin', big guy? Up to no good? Michael michael I'm meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that? Stanley stanley No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody? Michael michael Goodbye. [walks away] Stanley stanley Pays five million dollars. Nudity required. Michael michael [approaching Michael] You have to stop this. Jim jim [giddy, whispering] Did you hear Stanley's having an affair? Michael michael I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people. Jim jim Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser... Michael michael Do you know if it's true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life. Jim jim [stares at Jim silently, then walks away] Michael michael [in parking lot, blocking path of Stanley's car] Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. [Stanley honks horn repeatedly] Stanley, are you having an affair? Michael michael [as Michael gets in car] That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that? Stanley stanley So It's not true. Okay, well... ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just... racial profiling gossip. Michael michael [hits steering wheel angrily] Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club. Stanley stanley [nodding] So stupid! Michael michael It's just that... Teri's been traveling a lot... Stanley stanley I know, I know. Michael michael And it's been lonely. Stanley stanley Oh, I bet. Michael michael Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill... I didn't... Stanley stanley Wait, hold, hold, hold... so it IS true? Michael michael Yeah, but Michael, I'm going to go break it off. That's where I'm headed right now. I swear. Stanley stanley Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool. Michael michael I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please. Stanley stanley [muttering] I'm not saying... a damn thing. Michael michael I'm counting on you, Michael. Stanley stanley [looking afraid] You can count on me. Michael michael [sighs] Stanley stanley [entering kitchen area] Oh, that smells good. Michael michael I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat. Kevin kevin Did you hear about Angela? That's pretty weird. Michael michael Yeah... what do you mean exactly? Kevin kevin Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno's on the turnpike. Michael michael Reeeeally. Kevin kevin Uh huh. [gestures to Kevin to keep it quiet] Alright? Michael michael How do you un-tell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including "Stanley is having an affair." It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit. Michael michael Kelly has an eating disorder? Erin erin Yeah. Michael michael She always eats my lunch. Erin erin Anorexia. She's an anorexatic. Michael michael We should do something. Erin erin Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess. Michael michael [to Kelly] I'm worried about Erin, because she's not a very good worker. I don't know how long she's gonna last here. Michael michael Really? Kelly kelly Yeah. So... and Andy is gay. Michael michael Andy Bernard?? Kelly kelly Mm hmm. Michael michael [whispering to Meredith] Did you hear Pam is pregnant? Michael michael Really? Meredith meredith Yeah! Michael michael She's gonna hate being a mom. Meredith meredith [making a cup of tea in kitchen area] Andy andy [looks at Andy and giggles] Kevin kevin What? Andy andy [still giggling] Tea. Kevin kevin So? Andy andy You would. Kevin kevin [laughing] I like tea! Andy andy [sarcastically] Oh, I bet you like it. Kevin kevin Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea! Andy andy Do you like it as much as you like mens' butts? Kevin kevin WHAT?? Andy andy Because you're gay. Kevin kevin [serious] Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school? Andy andy This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence... a little too weird. [chuckles nervously] Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. [long pause] But it makes you wonder. Andy andy [to Oscar in break room] Did you hear the rumor about me? That I'm gay? Andy andy [nodding] I did. Yes. Oscar oscar And? Andy andy What? Oscar oscar Do you think it's true? Do you think that I'm... gay? Andy andy Are you attracted to other men? Oscar oscar [scoffs and chuckles] No! But, let me kick you a scenario. I'm at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent, [long pause] I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it... felt like. Andy andy [stares at Andy incredulously] Oscar oscar Would I push him away? How hard? Like, what if he's like really aggressive? Andy andy If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still... need to get to you? Oscar oscar It's not real Brad Pitt, this is like, this is my fantasy. Or it's like, not a fantasy, it's just... it's just a scenario. Andy andy Wow. I wish... I wish I could help you. I don't... you might be gay. You might be gay. Oscar oscar What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me. Oscar oscar How far along is Pam? Phyllis phyllis A few months, that's why they're rushing the wedding. Meredith meredith [whispering] Guys, guys... you can't believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It's just... there's no stalking it. It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go. Michael michael [with everyone assembled in conference room] Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff... who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors. Michael michael [giving envelopes to interns] Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I've attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night. Dwight dwight Why would we call you at night? Eric eric [grabs card from Eric, crumples it, throws it to the ground] Well now you can't call me at all. Problem solved. Dwight dwight [to Eric] You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs. Jim jim Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. [interns do nothing] One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you [looks directly at Megan] will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be. Dwight dwight [eating cake with Kelly] I am so happy you're eating again. Erin erin [mouth full of cake] Me too! Kelly kelly [to Jim] Tuna, how come you never try to set me up? Andy andy Oh, I don't really do that. But Pam might have some friends, though. Jim jim Women friends? Andy andy Yep. Jim jim Not guy friends? Andy andy Are you... interested in her guy friends? Jim jim No. I mean, for the record, I prefer women. Andy andy Okay. Jim jim But off the record, I'm kinda confused. Andy andy Really. Jim jim Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, I feel like... Andy andy Well you gotta figure this out. Jim jim Yeah, right? Andy andy Yeah! Jim jim How? Andy andy You gotta have sex with a woman. Jim jim Right-o. Andy andy And a man. Jim jim Ohh... Andy andy And then compare. Jim jim Alright. [looks around uneasily] Well hey... Andy andy Yep. Jim jim Congratulations to you. Andy andy On what? Jim jim [chuckles] Come on... little baby Tuna. Little junior toro. Andy andy [looks around room nervously] Jim jim [to Pam] Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard? Angela angela What? Pam pam Want me to say it again? Angela angela Why did that come into your brain? Pam pam [grabs Pam by the arm] Can I talk to you for a second? Jim jim [whispering to Pam in corner of room] So, they know. Jim jim Who did you tell? Pam pam I didn't tell anyone! Who did you tell? Jim jim Nobody! Pam pam [approaching Jim and Pam] Hey, did one of you tell Stanley I have asthma? Because I don't, and if it gets out, they won't let me scuba. Creed creed If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward? Creed creed [to Andy] What? You think I'm the voice of the Taco Bell dog? Oscar oscar [to Phyllis and Stanley] What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin? Toby toby Hey, has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today? Jim jim [in unison] Yes. Everyone everyone [entering conference room] Yeah, yeah... you know what? Let's discredit these rumors. Michael michael Yeah, sure, but... who's been saying all that stuff? Jim jim That's not important, Jim, I just think we shouldn't listen to any of that crap. Michael michael Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this. Let's pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning. Pam pam I need to do mine first. Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me, working me with controls? Kevin kevin I heard that from... Andy. Creed creed I heard it from Erin. Andy andy I heard it from Michael. Erin erin [quietly leaves room] Michael michael [approaching Michael at elevators] Michael? [to others] He's over here! Pam pam [to Michael] Where are you going? Pam pam Nowhere. Michael michael Michael... [leads Michael to corner of vestibule, then whispers] You told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm? [Michael looks nervously to camera as elevator doors open] Dwight dwight Don't get on it. [Michael inches toward elevator] Pam pam Michael, don't. Jim jim Don't... get... on. Do not. Pam pam Michael... Jim jim Stay. Kevin kevin Step away. Pam pam Come on, boss. Creed creed [reluctantly exits elevator] Michael michael [to everyone, in conference room] Okay, I made it all up. Michael michael [sighs in unison] Everyone everyone Even the fact that I'm gay? Andy andy Yes. Michael michael [relieved] Yes! Andy andy But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model. Michael michael No. We heard that about Jim. Angela angela Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself. Michael michael How is that a bad rumor? Angela angela Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit. Michael michael Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, Stanley's affair, me being a spokesdog... Oscar oscar [pissed off] You told everyone I was having an affair? Stanley stanley Okay, okay... here's the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn't want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person. Michael michael Well then, what's the one true rumor? Kelly kelly We have a right to know. Phyllis phyllis Michael... am I gay? Andy andy [sighs] The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that... Michael michael [interrupting] That Pam's pregnant. Jim jim I knew it! Angela angela I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought "Oh, she has a new bra with padding." But then I thought "Pam doesn't need padding." It just didn't add up, Jim. Kevin kevin Okay. Thank you. Jim jim Congratulations! Phyllis phyllis That's really great, you guys. Erin erin Don't vaccinate it. Ryan ryan Who's the father? Dwight dwight Jim. Pam pam How far along? Creed creed Four months. Jim jim Who's the OB/GYN? Creed creed Stop. Don't. Just... Pam pam Alright, alright... you know, this is not the truth, and you can't fall on the sword this way. The real thing is that Stanley Hudson had an affair. Michael michael Nope. Jim jim Yes. Jim... Michael michael [arm around Pam] Thank you for trying to defend her. But actually, Pam is pregnant, and we can prove it. Jim jim Yes. Pam pam If everyone would like to see proof. Jim jim Okay. [leaves room] Pam pam Are we just gonna wait here? [Pam returns, displays sonogram] Kelly kelly [gasps, then cheers] Everyone everyone It's true! Kelly kelly Look at that! [grabs sonogram from Pam] That is the inside of your vagina! [Jim takes sonogram from Michael] Michael michael [talking head with Jim] It's clear why we were trying not to tell people. That's clear now. [Jim nods, looking at floor] Pam pam [to Jim and Pam] How long have you known about the pregnancy? Michael michael [look at each other uncertainly] {Jim} & {Pam} jim pam A week? A month? A year? Michael michael Michael, we only told our parents last week. Jim jim Did you pee on a stick? Michael michael I did. It was inconclusive. Jim jim You should've told me. Michael michael [exchanges looks with Jim] You're right. We should've realized that you are an equal part of this. Pam pam [phone rings, hits speaker button] Michael michael Michael, Teri Hudson returning your call. Erin erin [gasps] Michael michael [in disbelief] You called Stanley's wife? Pam pam Oh, oh... yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh... oh God. Michael michael Don't take it. Jim jim No, I have to take it, or it'll seem suspicious. Michael michael If you talk to her, you're gonna tell her about Stanley, and that's gonna seem more suspicious. Pam pam No, no, I can do this. Michael michael You can't do this. Jim jim Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over. Michael michael That sounds terrible. Jim jim Michael, please don't. Pam pam [picking up phone] Hey, what up, Cynthia? [lowers phone, looking terrified] Michael michael [gets up to leave room, Michael gestures for him to stay] Jim jim Hold on a second, Cynthia. Michael michael [hangs up Michael's phone, leaves room] Jim jim Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try. Michael michael [talking head with Eric and Megan] I learned that a company can describe their internship as "full of exciting experiences," even if that's a lie. There's no regulation. Maurie maurie I learned that half these people's email password is "password." Megan megan I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets. Eric eric I thought it was 500. Megan megan Oh... I guess I didn't learn anything. Eric eric I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you "Jet Li" all summer. Maurie maurie [raises hand] Julia Stiles. Megan megan [raises hand] Alan Thicke. Eric eric