[phone rings, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up- gets back. Erin erin Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes. Jim jim [whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch? Jim jim [whispering] I can do it. Pam pam [whispering] What do you need from me? Dwight dwight Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs heartily] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken. Dwight dwight [mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office] Michael michael [changing the clock in Michael's car] Like clockwork. Dwight dwight [silently counting] Three, two, one... [Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly] Jim jim [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What's so funny? Michael michael You had to be there. Pam pam Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale. Michael michael See you later! Michael michael Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire] Yeah! Dwight dwight [at company picnic] All right, you ready for this? Jim jim Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right? Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh] Jim jim Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics. Pam pam Come on, who doesn't like a picnic? Jim jim Tell them what happened last year. Pam pam I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt. Jim jim No, no, that guy who hit on me. Pam pam Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance. Jim jim Yeah, you don't grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance. Pam pam Well... Jim jim I'm gonna say 30. Dwight dwight Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF. Rolf rolf Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent. Dwight dwight Woah. Homemade? Rolf rolf Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh] Dwight dwight Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks. Dwight dwight Michael, isn't that Holly? Kevin kevin We're just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know. Michael michael Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here. Holly holly Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right. Michael michael All right. Holly holly All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey. Michael michael Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend? Holly holly A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people. Michael michael Hey Michael. AJ aj Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless. Michael michael Lemonade sounds great. Holly holly Okay. Michael michael I'd love an iced tea, actually. AJ aj You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world. Michael michael I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: Michael michael Jim. Pam. Charles charles Hey, how are you? Jim jim Hey Charles. Pam pam Nice day, huh? Charles charles Yeah. Jim jim Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away] Charles charles I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore. Jim jim Do you want me to beat him up for you? Pam pam No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it. Jim jim Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right? Dwight dwight Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards. Jim jim Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row! Dwight dwight Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row? Andy andy Why? I don't understand. Dwight dwight If- Andy andy Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it. Dwight dwight Uh... [laughs sheepishly] Andy andy I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team. Dwight dwight That's... Andy andy Sly dog. Dwight dwight ... not what I meant. Andy andy Come on, folks! Dwight dwight What is up with you two, Holly? Michael michael Um, not much. Holly holly We're designing a house. AJ aj Cool. For who? Michael michael For us. AJ aj Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported. Michael michael I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs] Holly holly I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist. AJ aj All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse. Michael michael Okay, yeah. Holly holly You guys are really gonna do this? AJ aj You bet your fat ass we are. Michael michael Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin. Michael michael Yep, the old comedy team is back together again. Holly holly That's right. Michael michael [in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it! Holly holly Newspapers for sale! Michael michael [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger. Andy andy These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass. Man man Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way. Andy andy Thanks. Erin erin [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses] Kevin kevin Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on! Dwight dwight Are you blind?! Andy andy I could've gotten that, idiot! Dwight dwight Can you see things with your eyeballs?! Andy andy It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?! Dwight dwight We've been out here for a while. I don't need this. Phyllis phyllis [grunts in frustration] Dwight dwight [playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net. Dwight dwight So what? Woman woman Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone? Dwight dwight Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] What? Pam pam Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers. Pam pam [serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Well, look at that, we win! Pam pam Nice job, Beesly. Jim jim Yes! We advance to the next round! Dwight dwight Oh, Lord in heaven. Phyllis phyllis [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs] Stanley stanley I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry. Michael michael Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm? Holly holly [watching her eat] What? Michael michael Do you have a script for the sketch, or... Holly holly Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool? Michael michael Crystal cool. Holly holly [playing volleyball] Hit it Andy! Dwight dwight Bump! I bumped it! Andy andy Set! Kevin kevin Don't set it to yourself! Dwight dwight [Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah! Kevin kevin Ow, my ankle! Phyllis phyllis What happened? Dwight dwight I... twisted it. Phyllis phyllis You weren't even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub! Dwight dwight I can play. Angela angela Is there a... Meredith here? Rolf rolf Yeah! Man in! Meredith meredith Rolph, did you not hear me? Angela angela I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go! Rolf rolf We could do a movie... sort of thing. Michael michael [gasps] We could do Back to the Future. Holly holly Oh! Michael michael We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. [both laugh] Holly holly Could we get a Delorean? Michael michael Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community. Holly holly Oh! [to the theme of "Jaws"] Dun-der. Dun-der... Michael michael Dun-der. Dun-der... Holly holly Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh] Michael michael Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet. Holly holly No. No. Michael michael Oh. Holly holly We're circling it. Michael michael Hmm... Holly holly [playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though! David Wallace david-wallace Yes we are! Charles charles You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces! Rolf rolf Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval] Dwight dwight It's true! Rolf rolf Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall. Toby toby Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious. Kendall kendall Really, really funny. Toby toby Really funny. Kendall kendall Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug] Dwight dwight Settle down gentlemen. Oscar oscar Good game! Pam pam Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song. David Wallace david-wallace [shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it's a sketch now. Michael michael Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause] David Wallace david-wallace And now, presenting... Michael michael SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter] Both both [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs] Michael michael Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire? Holly holly Yes, I am. Michael michael For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth? Holly holly Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College. Michael michael That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael] Holly holly [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!! Michael michael [now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you'll get in? Holly holly Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in. Michael michael I'm Robert Dunder. Holly holly I'm Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience's response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs] Michael michael Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth! Holly holly Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head. Michael michael That is correct! Holly holly Yes! Michael michael I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful. Stanley stanley The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush! Holly holly I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer! Michael michael That is correct! Holly holly [over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about? Man from Buffalo man-from-buffalo [pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?! Holly holly David Wallace told me!! Michael michael David, is this true? Woman from Buffalo woman-from-buffalo Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today... David Wallace david-wallace Are we losing our jobs or not, David? Man from Buffalo man-from-buffalo They didn't know? Holly holly [whispers] I guess not. Michael michael I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch. David Wallace david-wallace And? Woman from Buffalo woman-from-buffalo We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch. David Wallace david-wallace [over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. [Michael and Holly bow] Man from Buffalo man-from-buffalo How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic? David Wallace david-wallace Well... I didn't know they didn't know. Michael michael What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "oh, this would be really funny." David Wallace david-wallace Thank you. Michael michael Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?" David Wallace david-wallace Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts. Michael michael Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances. Meredith meredith Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever. Dwight dwight How do you figure? Pam pam Because if we don't play, then the other team wins. Dwight dwight Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked. Oscar oscar Let's do this. Pam pam [playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers] Andy andy Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I've been up for a while. Charles charles It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin] Kevin kevin Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you? Angela angela Here's an accounting question for you: Rolf rolf [hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah! Erin erin [running for the ball] I got it! Pam pam Pam! Dwight dwight [falls] Oof! Pam pam You all right? Jim jim Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine. Pam pam You sure? Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Hey, easy, easy... Jim jim Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at. Charles charles No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second. Pam pam I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David? Charles charles Yeah. David Wallace david-wallace All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player. Jim jim Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health. Charles charles No, uh- Jim jim Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go! Pam pam Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot. Charles charles [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em. Dwight dwight I guess that's it for you, Jim. Charles charles All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let's do this. Jim jim We'll be back! Pam pam Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] I'll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods] Dwight dwight Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo. Michael michael Hindsight. Holly holly Should've had hindsight. Michael michael How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing? Holly holly I think it went well. I think it was good. Michael michael There weren't any laughs. Holly holly No, it was a tough audience. Michael michael Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience. Holly holly Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them. Michael michael Well, I'm glad we did it. Holly holly Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch. Michael michael I can't wait. Holly holly [on the phone] Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something! Jim jim To be safe, we should do an x-ray. Nurse nurse How long will that take? Pam pam Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant... Nurse nurse I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to. Pam pam Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to." Nurse nurse What'd you think? Holly holly I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but... AJ aj Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch. Michael michael [laughs] Okay. So good to see you. Holly holly Good to see you. [they hug] AJ. Michael michael Michael. [they shake hands] AJ aj I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush. Michael michael Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs. David Wallace david-wallace Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay? Charles charles Okay. Fine. Dwight dwight All right! Come on. Charles charles Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four? Dwight dwight Dwight. Andy andy No, no, hear me out. Five? Six? Dwight dwight Dwight. David Wallace david-wallace Seven? Can I finish please? Dwight dwight Okay. David Wallace david-wallace Eight? Dwight dwight [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam] Jim jim